Single Mother - Last name?

crystalcantsleep

I am new to the community and not overly familiar with all the acronyms so forgive me for the lack of colloquialisms. I am 6 months along with my first, a boy, and am currently separating from the father. I am a bit conflicted and could use some advice - should I use the father's last name, or mine? What is the more typical course of action?

To make it even more complicated, the father's name is a family name - he is the fourth (IV) and this baby technically should be the fifth (V). I had initially considered continuing the family name, but due to the separation (there will likely be no co-parenting in this situation) I have decided on another first name. Problem is, the name I have my heart set on only really flows nicely with HIS last name - and not at all with mine. Is it typical to use the last name of the father even when never married and when separated? Should I even want to, considering the circumstances? Would my baby grow up happier with my last name? Is it considered really bad to break the chain of a family name by naming the first born son something different? I am pretty torn up about this and could really use some help. Thank you in advance!

Gingermom15

I am a traditionalist in the sense that baby should *usually* have dad's last name, so I do understand your hesitation. Although I don't think it is always right to do so. 

If there will be no co-parenting and you will be raising this child alone your last name would likely be best. Think legally, Dr's. visits, insurances, schools, etc. 
Plus, sharing your last name will always give him a "place" to belong. If the father's contact is limited or none, why give him the last name of the man who is never there for him? 
Name flow is not a good enough reason to go against giving him your last name. 

saham07

I would give him your last name for sure

lm45678

saham07 said:

I would give him your last name for sure

Agree

kimikimi

I'd give him your last name and a first name of your choosing. If his father becomes more involved down the road he (the father) could always ask you to change your son's last name.  You could even let him know you'd be open to that someday. It's harder to change to yours down the road if he's absent.  My initial thought is that I wouldn't want to give my son a name that constantly reminds him of an absent father. It'd be painful if the father gave his full name & the fifth title to another son someday though. I can understand how tricky this is to figure out.  Do you think his family/parents will be involved in your son's life? If you have a good relationship with them and expect them to be active in their grandson's life then giving your son their last name/names might be meaningful. Sometimes the father isn't in the picture but his family is in a loving way.  That's a tough situation & I wish you and your son all the best! 

Gators&BoSox

I would give him your last name. As PP's have said, for legal purposes it would be easier and also you do have the option to change it if you find down the road you'd like to. If I were a child in this situation I wouldn't want to have the last name of a person I don't know and I would appreciate feeling that connection with the parent that is providing me with love and care.

fghmama6701

I would give him your last name. If you're not together, there's no reason to give your child the fathers name. Your name is just as good as his.

thatcma

I would agree that if there is no coparenting you should give him your last name.

Bringmemylongswordho

Absolutely give him your last name. 

And if you haven't,  talking to a lawyer about your situation might be good as well (child support,  custody,  parental rights, etc)

SnarkasaurusRex

Agree with PPs. If there is no coparenting, the he should absolutely have your last name. It will make things like school pick up, doctors visits, etc. much less of a headache. Also, since it sounds like he is not planning on being involved, I would have zero qualms with not continuing the family name...name him what you want.

Also agree that it's probably a good idea to speak with a lawyer and set some ground rules for custody, child support, etc. 

Latina211508

Giving him your last name is the best in my opinion. Especially since you mentioned there will likely be no co-parenting. I actually gave my son, my eldest my last name. My husband and I were not married when I had him. It was the best choice. When we got married I changed it to his. I don't feel like a child should automatically get his fathers last name just because of that simple fact. 

ellebee2

My mom was a single mom. I have her last name. 

karlimonster

My mom gave me her last name since my dad wasn't around, but I changed it as an adult. My father entered my life at 4 years old and I am much more connected with him, etc.

That said, I would still give your son your name and even go so far as to not put dad on the birth certificate. I issued passports for awhile and the headache and heartache I saw people going through as single parents makes me feel very strongly about leaving a parent off who will not be active in the child's life. Names can be changed if you change your mind 

Mamabeagle

I don't see any indication in the post about his involvement or lack thereof.

I wouldn't start a fight about it by entirely dropping the family name and his last name just because you aren't together anymore, and make the decision without ANY input from him...you need to both agree on a name, as it will be the first of many coparenting decisions. 

karlimonster

@Mamabeagle She indicated there will likely be no coparenting. I interpreted that as lack of involvement. 

Mamabeagle

karlimonster said:

@Mamabeagle She indicated there will likely be no coparenting. I interpreted that as lack of involvement. 

You're right! 

SmrBrd2012

ellebee2 said:

My mom was a single mom. I have her last name. 

Same. I'd 100% give baby my name if it were me.

KaLikeAWind

Your last name for sure. Should dad become involved in baby's life so much so that it becomes appropriate to have dad's last name, it's an easy process for you to change it. But, should you give dad's last name and then dad becomes a jerkface (in addition to being absent), it could become impossible to change the name to yours (needing his approval and sign-off on legal documents, etc). 
Also, I second speaking with a lawyer about this, and about whether or not to put dad's name on the birth certificate, and all the things PP mentioned above. You wouldn't want a small mistake or misstep to have far reaching impacts when it comes to dealings with the father. 

hey&june

If you will be the sole parent (as you indicated by saying no co-parenting), then absolutely give the baby your last name. My take on it is that this child will be part of YOUR family, not his, so he/she deserves your family's name. Giving the baby the name of someone not involved in his/her life just doesn't make sense to me.

delujm0

This is a totally personal choice...for me I'd probably go with my own last name...but I can offer some context.  I have an acquaintance who never knew his father, but had his father's last name.  He hated having a different last name than his mother, and when he got married he actually took his wife's last name because he hated his own and felt that it would be stupid for his wife to adopt a last name that he himself hated.

 

If, while you are pregnant, you feel that there is a better chance that you'll have sole responsibility for raising your baby than there is that the father will be in the picture, go with your last name.  if things change in the future, you can always change it.

neverblushed

If you're not married to the father, you're breaking up, and the father is basically saying he won't participate in parenting his child, then the baby should have your last name.

I say don't worry too much about "flow" unless it sounds really ridiculous.  If you love a first name you've picked and it goes okay with your last name, I say use it.

blush64

I do not believe children should have the father's last name even if you are together. A man's name is not more important than yours. You are not together you should give your child your name. 

Edit I wanted to be clear I believe it is fine if people choose to give the child the father's last name but that it is not because they should use it. It should be a joint decision if both people are involved amd of there is a disagreement the child should get both names.

WhimsyMom

I feel if the father is actively involved in helping raise your LO, then give him the last name. If not, and you know there will be no communication, give him your last name, and if LO is curious later in life, be open to educating him on who his father is, where he comes, from, heritage, etc. I was raised without my dad in the picture, and just for me, it was strange to me having a different last name than the rest of my family, not to mention the last name of who to me was a stranger Only you know what will be best for your situation though,

oneblessedmess

I'm usually a traditionalist when it comes to last names, but in your case since it sounds like his father won't be involved I think he should have your name. If the first name you like doesn't work with your last name then I'd pick another name, but I definitely would not name him [father's name] V.

theGDpaterfamilias

Were it just separation, I'd be for passing on his last name but if there will be no co-parenting whatsoever, as you've indicated, then I don't see any reason at all to name the baby a surname other than your own, his only parent.

TheMcC3

Welcome to the bump! Congrats on a healthy baby boy! I am sorry for the circumstances.

If you really, truly feel like the child's father will be bowing out of the child's life, then I advocate for using YOUR last name. However, if there is any chance that you might be able to salvage any relationship between father & son, perhaps a hyphenation would be in order? Alternatively, since you like the flow of his name, you could try First, Middle, His Last (as a second middle name) Your last.

You are under no obligation to continue the generational naming if you don't wish to, and there's no such thing a "bad luck" with any naming. 

Good luck, and God bless!

Lecool

If I were you, I'd give the baby my last name. You don't have to stick with the tradition of naming the baby after the father if you don't want to. My husband has his mom's last name, as she was a single parent, and he doesn't think of it as weird or anything - he actually thinks it would have been weird to have his dad's last name instead. Good luck!