The EVIL mother-in-law

11altenale

Finally feeling better about my ever changing body and hormones I decided to take a belly bump picture and post it to social media. I thought I looked beautiful and I felt it! That is until my mother-in-law decided to text me to "just double checking you aren't having twins dear, your stomach is so large already". My doctor says I am a healthy weight and growing at an average rate. I understand her daughters are twigs and didn't have baby bellies until they were almost in their 3rd trimester but this was uncalled for. I know this is a rant, but also how do you guys deal with Debby downers like this?! I do not want to let anyone get to me like this again, my crazy hormones made me cry like a toddler!!

ladysaceb

@11altenale I'm sorry she felt the need to be a jerk.  Unfortunately people feel that they can say whatever they want to pregnant people.  I would probably call her out on it and just tell her that you are at a healthy weight per your doctor and some women just get bigger bumps sooner than others.  I may even go as far as to tell her just because you are carrying her grandchild does not give her a right to comment on your body/weight.

poetryandoceans

I agree that the comment was totally out of line and I agree, you have to call her on it. However, I wouldn't say that your doctor says you are a healthy weight, I would say "concerns about my weight and any other medical aspects of my pregnancy are discussions I will be having with my doctor, not you" or something along those lines. Don't set any kind of precedent of discussing your private medical info with her, because saying "my doctor says its okay" just addresses the weight issue, but leaves the door open for a million other conversations about your body or behaviour during this pregnancy. 

canavara

Even if she did feel like she had the right to be concerned with your health, weight, or the number of gestations you're carrying (which she doesn't!), it's totally inappropriate to have that conversation in a public venue and that should be pointed out in addition to what PPs have remarked.

Wholesome

I'm very straight up with my mother in-law.  She's grown to appreciate it because there are no worries of hidden or repressed feelings here.

I would simply tell her the facts and that she's being a butt-hole, but with better words... Something like this:

My doctor said my growth is right on track.  I realize that some people may not show as soon as others so it may be a surprise to those people.  Telling any pregnant woman that she looks bigger than she should is simply insensitive and rude.  If a pregnant woman has gained 50 pounds or has lost weight, there is no reason to cast doubt on the healthiness of her pregnancy unless you are her medical doctor.  I assure you, according to our doctor, we're doing just fine and are right on track for growth, thanks.

MaryNog

There really is something about pregnancy that makes people feel they can say anything they want. I'm really sorry that your mother in law felt the need to say that to you. Previous posters have great advice. Try to use this as an opportunity to set some barriers, or even to steel yourself against the unfortunate barrage of other nonsense that will come your way. You know that your baby is healthy and that you are doing all you can to take care of yourself during pregnancy. That's what matters.

Gogogirl16

So sorry you had to deal with this, I know how you feel.   I just had someone I work with comment how much bigger I am than another girl who is a week ahead of me.   She pointed out that the other girl isn't even showing. Some people are just rude and don't care if it's hurtful to say something about your size.  Try not to worry about it, no 2 pregnancies are alike so you not being just like another isn't bad!

BrennansMom2012

Sorry you have an evil MIL as well! They suck! Try not to let her get you down. If she's like mine the snide comments won't stop after pregnancy so like @MaryNog now is a great time to set boundaries! I like what other ladies have said but I also like the route of making her feel stupid for saying something in the first place by saying, "Thank you so much! I am so excited and happy that I'm finally feeling and looking great in this pregnancy! So happy that both baby and I are healthy and coming along perfectly! Have a great day!" My MIL HATES it when I don't indulge in her antics and it makes her look like the jackass she is...did I just write that? 

Edited because mobile bump tagging is a liar! lol 

colleenkevin

I'm so sorry your MIL was a jerk!  I agree with PP that if you are able to set some boundaries now, you will probably be better off in the long run.  I let some comments from my MIL roll off my back while I was pregnant and it only got worse when DD was born.

She criticized my decision to breastfeed, to continue breastfeeding past 6 months (she actually called me a cow...), to not buy special shoes to develop the baby's arches (what?!?!).  Baby led weaning was a nightmare with her insisting the baby would choke and die or never learn to eat with a spoon or starve because how did we know if she was eating enough (spoiler alert - she didn't choke, learned to use a spoon and fork before 18 months, and healthy babies don't starve themselves to death).  Sorry for the rant, but you can imagine how frustrating it can become.

Wholesome

I've been thinking about you today.  Try not to let haters get under your skin, they aren't worth the energy.  It sounds like maybe this is something that happens frequently and perhaps you've figured out your MIL's MO.  Negative people can be toxic to your life until you master them by accepting who they are, expecting their contributions to your life, and not let their crap get to you - get to the point where you can just roll your eyes, sigh and paste a smile on your face as you tactfully respond when necessary; haters feed on emotional reactions, it nourishes their souls.  You know what kind of person she is and what you can expect her to be, let yourself be pleasantly surprised if she does better occasionally instead of being crushed when she revels her true self routinely.  I swear it must take a ton of energy to be a classic hater but all haters have something in common if they hate you - they are below you.

Wholesome

 MaryNog said:

There really is something about pregnancy that makes people feel they can say anything they want.

This is so true!  So many people have to give their two cents on matters, educate you when unsolicited or compare you to themselves or others they know - it's almost like people feel the need to be dominant for some unknown reason.  *sigh*  So much stuff that blindsides us when we begin our motherhood journey.

Wholesome

colleenkevin said:

I'm so sorry your MIL was a jerk!  I agree with PP that if you are able to set some boundaries now, you will probably be better off in the long run.  I let some comments from my MIL roll off my back while I was pregnant and it only got worse when DD was born.

She criticized my decision to breastfeed, to continue breastfeeding past 6 months (she actually called me a cow...), to not buy special shoes to develop the baby's arches (what?!?!).  Baby led weaning was a nightmare with her insisting the baby would choke and die or never learn to eat with a spoon or starve because how did we know if she was eating enough (spoiler alert - she didn't choke, learned to use a spoon and fork before 18 months, and healthy babies don't starve themselves to death).  Sorry for the rant, but you can imagine how frustrating it can become.

I could have written this but for my own mother (my MIL didn't dare speak up because I've set boundaries but sometimes her facial expressions gave her away)!  Haha.  I've found a lot of older generations don't agree with advancement in science and parenting.  Son is 2.5 and still nurses before bedtime, I started food at 9 months with baby lead weaning, and the never-ending argument with my mom -- we are still rear facing in the car and will continue to do so until he maxes out the height/weight restrictions on our car seat (At the time, I got the one with the highest limitations too, haha).

colleenkevin

@Wholesome I have been lucky with my mom - she trusts me and Googles the things I tell her so she can learn more about how things are today.  She loves that her grandkids are getting the benefits of where we are with scientific research.  With MIL I have learned to keep the answers short, firm, and fact-based.  She is totally that grandma that takes it personally that we aren't doing things the way she did.  I think it's unfortunately a common thing for the older generation to feel like a rejection of their practices is a statement that they did things wrong

I find it really frustrating when people want to turn the carseats around so young!  I don't understand the fascination with forward-facing. MIL questioned why DD was still rear-facing and I was very firm in my response that she was not to forward face until she outgrew her seat, around 4-5 based on her current growth, because it is safer for children whose spines are not fully developed.  I'm sure it will come up again as she gets older and I plan to repeat the same thing.

katesmama0706

@wholesome @colleenkevin when I told my MIL that she goes "well then MY KIDS would have been rear facing until they were 10!". Well. Then mine might be too, if they're all petite like my daughter is! She didn't like that response. 

@11altenale sorry she's such a brat! I was tiny with my daughter and I got a lot of the opposite "you're starving your baby for vanity's sake" comments from my MIL when really women just carry differently! I can't say I ever really shut her down which I came to regret when she was born and MIL questioned everythinggggggg. It was worse when my SIL had a baby 6 weeks later who was the polar opposite of my baby, so obviously because my baby was petite and active and alert and hers was chunky and content to be held and sleep it was something I was doing wrong, because babies are never just different *sarcasm* 
I've spent the last year having to defend myself constantly so I really wish I had snapped in the beginning and gotten a head start on fighting her passive aggressive crap. 

MaryNog

Wholesome said:

 MaryNog said:

There really is something about pregnancy that makes people feel they can say anything they want.

This is so true!  So many people have to give their two cents on matters, educate you when unsolicited or compare you to themselves or others they know - it's almost like people feel the need to be dominant for some unknown reason.  *sigh*  So much stuff that blindsides us when we begin our motherhood journey.

I wonder if this happens because a baby affects everyone's lives, so people feel the need to interject their opinions and "help". 

So far I've been pretty lucky, but there have been a couple of instances that annoyed me greatly. Oddly enough it happened with my own parents, who are usually really respectful. My mom gave me some attitude for waiting until 13 weeks to tell her and the rest of the family about the pregnancy. She said that "bad things happen when you keep secrets". Wtf! Makes me want to wait even longer if we have a second kid!

Carly79

@MaryNog That's an interesting perspective. Wrong or right it's a way to look at it. I am very lucky, this is number 7 for my parents with 5 of them under the age of 4 and my sister, sil, and I are very different so they have been exposed to a lot of different views plus the "new" way of doing some things. My MIL on the other hand was good during pregnancy but definitely has required some education since the other two grandkids on that side are 16 and 18. Luckily, she's usually open to hearing my opinions and respects them and moves on. It's just some of the small comments that get under my skin here and there. I'm fortunate though so it's not worth complaining about most of the time. It rattles me when I hear stories like this where parental units say something so rude. @11altenale I love that you said you were to a point where you feel better about your changing body so don't let her shake you. Embrace your changing body and know that everyone changes differently and that's what makes pregnancy so amazing.

raeishavingababy

My MIL says the same thing! First of all, I was already overweight before I got pregnant. I actually wouldn't mind having twins and twins are in DH family (brothers, nephews, cousins) but I was barely through the first half of my first trimester when she was telling me I must be having twins because I'm already showing and then proceeded to tell me that she did not show when she was pregnant with the twins until she was 8 months

I love my MIL, but sometimes she lacks tact. 

Wholesome

I don't know if she's been back on the bump since she posted this.

katesmama0706

@Wholesome her profile says she was active today, hopefully she read through and got some good advice and commiseration. 

reenalamba

@wholesome...
wow dear
it was like I was in need of these words
or I can say advice. .
as I am also kind of pissed of from my bossy in laws. .
just can't stand them these daz