TTCAL and Your Mental Health

mylittleversailles

It can be hard to talk about mental health issues under the best of circumstances. How are you taking care of your mental health? Do you feel you have enough support? 

I went to an emergency doctor's appointment at the end of May, as I felt I might have been slipping into a serious depressive episode. May is a pressure packed month for me and the further I am from it, the less weight I feel on my shoulders, but that doesn't mean I don't need to take steps to protect myself. I saw a very compassionate and proactive resident family doctor and she signed me up for The Reproductive Life Stages Program at the Women's College Hospital, which provides temporary care in dealing with all aspects of reproductive life (loss, pregnancy, postpartum, infertility etc). I had my intake with the nurse over the phone yesterday and she explained to me that I'll have an appointment available to me as soon as possible and that if/when I do get pregnant again, they'll fast track me to help deal with all the anxiety that comes with PGAL. The program is also open to my husband. I'm grateful for this, especially with my EDD coming up. I feel as though I have another piece of armour in my arsenal to get through this and hopefully to the other side, where ever that is going to end up being.

iceandsnowflakes29

I suffer from anxiety. Big time. After my loss, it got so bad I didn't want to leave the house. I was having constant panic attacks and by the time I got to my PCP for help, my blood pressure was 160/40. I've never had high blood pressure in my life.  

I started prozac. He was going to give me something fast acting but, I didn't want it. My dad was a pill head and I'm always paranoid of addiction. 


I don't really get depressed. It's like it comes out in the form of anxiety. And I don't even have to be actively thinking about the things that make me anxious - I can be just laying on the couch and then suddenly have an attack. 

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but, I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. 

mylittleversailles

@iceandsnowflakes29 That's the thing! My problems have always come in the form of extreme anxiety. When we lived in Montreal, I almost left the house (once a week with DH for groceries). I wouldn't even check the mailbox right outside the door. I used a very strong benzo during the miscarriage. That combined with narcotics kept me alive that week. Surprisingly, my anxiety is totally under control these days.

The anhedonia that settled in last month really scared the crap out of me because it was a totally new beast. 

BornReady

I work in mental health so it is something I talk about and think about all the time. I will say that of all the difficult and challenging things I have been through in life, TTC/Infertility and Loss have really impacted me the most. For me I have to really focus on managing my thoughts and challenging the things that I know are irrational. I have to actively practice self-care and use my support network for venting, crying, etc.I am also seeking out a new counselor to have specifically for this so my DH doesn't always have to be on the receiving end as much as he has been.

For me this manifests as a few things. I obsessively count my age and the ages of my family and hopefully future child. Sort of like, "I will be this old when", "My parents will be this old when", "Will my parents be alive when". It's easily my darkest place. Just a little trauma induced OCD behaviors.

Otherwise, I feel tremendous guilt for not starting to TTC right after we got married and until after graduate school. I feel really foolish about that even though it has set me up with a job I love and allowed DH and I to have a really solid foundation to survive as parents and through secondary infertility. 

Overall, I feel like I do pretty well day to day, and most days I am totally fine. It's the occasional few days when I get triggered or slip down a rabbit hole of those irrational thoughts that bring me down. 


A fake buddha quote for us all! And pretty much sums up my feelings of guilt/shame about this process. I've decided to turn it around that my life lesson is to live in the now and don't wait for perfect timing. 

lilylover27

I am so glad you posted about this, it is very important to have a safe space where we can voice our fears and anxieties. I have always been labeled as a "worrier" by my friends and family but it has never been life hindering. As soon as I got that BFP is all changed. Of course I was happy to get it but then minutes later the anxiety of doing everything right and possibly loosing the pregnancy took over. I literally googled everything, bad I know I know, but I couldn't help myself. Then my worst fear happened, a MMC, and I believe that is when I broke down. DH has said recently now that I am a little more leveled out that he was seriously concerned about me because I was being fake happy around other friends and family and completely breaking down in front of him. The depressive feeling has eased a little but I am still racked with anxiety and guilt like some of you mentioned. We didn't want to start TTC until we got a house and now I feel like maybe we should of tried earlier. I also have anxiety of course about TTC but about things completely unrelated. I have never been a good flier but I have seriously considered and wished for something to come up so I don't have to fly to my best friends wedding in July! I am literally even hoping for appendix or some serious but not deadly illness, I know that sounds nuts and I am not sure where it came from but that's what's happening.

It is all a little frustrating and I am sure when/if I get that next BFP I will be more anxious then before. I may try to find support groups around my area for if/when that time comes.

iceandsnowflakes29

@BornReady FWIW I started TTC when I was 21 yrs old, newlywed, and still in college and I still battled fertility issues. I would literally go get an IUI then go straight back to campus. A younger age really didn't help me. So, don't give yourself a hard time about waiting .  

I hope that doesn't come off wrong. I just don't think it is always age. I know the statistics but, my friend's 35 year old sister was way more fertile than I was at 21. 

Jeeze this all sounds bad. What I'm getting at is don't do that yourself. 

chloe97

I suffer from anxiety and it's manifested itself in pretty severe hypochondria after my 2nd loss. People are so weird with hypochondria, they scoff at it as something that is made up in my head to get attention, believe me I'd rather be doing anything else than noticing every little symptom my body has and going to multiple doctors appointments a week. The dog has helped calm it down, but I'm still having some breakdowns here and there.

I'm jealous of your program to help you deal with anxiety during PGAL @reneeannemm. My doctor did her best to get me for ultrasounds during my last pregnancy, but I really could use come handholding. I had pretty severe PTSD and I'm sure I will have it worse with the next pregnancy!

Cmckenzie

My degree is in Psychology: crisis and trauma counseling. I see the issues I am having and know that they are normal, but I can't feel "normal." I more recently started having anxiety attacks and do suffer from major depression ( a lower form of depression). As a mental health professional I would tell people to talk to a professional, and use medication if necessary. I would teach them different self care methods, but its my own issues that I am having a hard time dealing with. I know what I am suppose to do, I just struggle in opening up and doing it.... Some counselor I am.

MooFish2364

Like most here I regret not TTC sooner. DH and I wanted to wait until we were married and done with grad school. Then DH wanted to wait until he went back to work full time which he did not long after he finished grad school. I still regret not trying right away. If I knew that an entire year would go by without a live baby I could have started right after we got married. 

I also noticed an increase in my anxiety after my loss. Well I should say I started having anxiety after my loss. Sure, there were times when I had some anxiety but for the first few months after my loss it was really bad and I didn't have any coping skills because I had never had it before. But it seems to be getting better and better over time. But I still worry about ever being able to get pregnant again and if I will ever have a healthy baby. It has gotten even worse since I had my birthday a few weeks ago and I'm getting closer to when we first started TTC. I should have my baby by now and it totally sucks. 

I thought about going to see someone for a while. Especially when I found out my cat was dying two months after my mmc. It probably would have helped me out. I still might go see someone. Especially if this whole TTC thing drags out much longer.

SnobunnieMel

I have been struggling with depression that seems to get worse with each of our losses this year. Our third seems to have hit me much harder than the second, mostly because we were so much more optomistic for it and the loss hit me like a cannon ball. I started acupuncture after the second which helped me some but I think I'm past the level is can manage. 

I find ins myself avoiding every pregnant person, which is almost everyone I work with. It's isolating me even more. I have to work so hard to keep myself together and happy for my patients  at work that I get home and I crash every day. I'm exhausted and don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. 

One of the reasons we picked the RE practice we did is they put a huge emphasis on emotional health throughout the infertility process. They specifically ask what your stress level due to infertility is and have an in house psychologist. I plan on making an appointment with her after I see my RE again next month. I am constantly so worried that if I have another loss I won't be able to bear it anymore. The fear of it is crippling and makes me question trying again. The fear of not trying and lossing my DH over that is even worse. I am glad their office has someone trained in the stress of infertility and RPL to see. 

Taggarab

I am also in the mental health field and sometimes I think I put so much pressure on myself to work it out because I feel like I should be able to handle it all since I know so much about depression and anxiety. Obviously this is not the case, but I struggle with it. I blame myself and my body for getting things wrong and implanting in my tube instead of my uterus. And now there's the pressure that I want to have great timing every month because I don't have the same chances every month depending on which ovary happens to release the egg. What if my right ovary is dominant and now I have no tube over there? What if I have another ectopic and lose my other tube? These are the things that go through my head and I know they aren't healthy and I know there's nothing I could have done, but I still feel like I'm on a carousel going around and around. 

****TW****

I am so lucky to have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old son, but this also makes self care more difficult because I cannot just go and do the things I would have done before I had children. I have to be very intentional about it and work around DHs schedule for when he can be home with our son while also making sure he gets the down time he needs. It has been a real roller coaster and today I am feeling pretty good, but tomorrow could be another story. 

My my hope is that none of us will ever be ashamed to face our feelings and disclose them to others. We all deal in different ways and that is ok. 

TScalei

@reneeannemm - Thank you for starting this thread because I think it is so important and the program that they have for you sounds amazing.
@Bornready - I do the same thing with ages of myself and my parents. It just feels like an enormous pressure on me to get KU asap bec life is passing me by. My DH and I also delayed ttc bec he was finishing up nursing school and then we were delayed even further since he had failed a semester. So I feel the guilt in that area too @MooFish2364 . It just kills me since we know so many of our friends have gotten accidentally KU and were not ready for a baby.  I feel like I am being punished for trying to be responsible and wait till we are ready.
@SnobunnieMel - Im so sorry you have to had to go through this 3 times.I want to avoid pregnant people and people with babies too. Which is basically our whole social life, lol.

I would say day to day I am going okay. But I am definitely suffering from depression and have a more negative outlook on life in general which is the complete opposite of how I usually feel. I feel like this whole ttc/mmc/ttcal process which has been over a year now has just been really, really hard on me. I feel like I am living under a cloud and won't be truly happy again until this is all over.  Its hard too bec DH works the second shift M-F so I am by myself all night - its rough being along with your thoughts sometimes! My mom has been a big support and reading has helped me too stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I also feel calmer and less anxious when I take long breaks from social media.

dubcompanion

I keep putting off seeking professional help. I suffer from severe anxiety and the phone call alone is daunting, much less going into the office. I do think that a therapist would greatly help so that I have someone to talk to the longer we go TTCAL with no BFP. Also, once I'm pregnant again, I'm sure my anxiety will be through the roof. Just thinking about it I know I will be.

For example, I was talking to my mom on the phone today. My sister is turning 50 in August and she lives several states away (it's a 9-hour drive one way). My mom asked if I would be available for a road trip that week to visit her. The first thoughts on my mind were a) What if I'm ovulating that week? and b) What if I'm pregnant by then? My DH wouldn't be able to accompany us, because we are already taking time off for a trip that weekend, and he has a retail job. So getting weekends off are a big deal. And I need to travel with my DH. I don't like to travel without him. I'd drive all night to get back home if it meant I didn't spend a night apart from him. Oddly, I'm okay if he needs to be away for a night or two (I'm not a huge fan, but it doesn't make me as anxious). But that's only because I'm at least home and feel safe there. 

I ended up having an important dentist appointment that day anyway to get bridgework done. (BIG relief to have a valid reason to not go.) But in the time I was frantically searching my schedule and trying to tell me my mom to hold on while I checked to see if I was free, I was, in the meantime, trying to tell myself to breathe. The thought of traveling, sans DH for a week and possibly pregnant, was suffocating. But I knew if I told my mom that that was why I didn't want to go, she'd have reamed me for it. (Although surprisingly - later in the convo when I sheepishly admitted my anxiety to travel without him - she was understanding. Ever since my loss, she seems to have made more of an effort to be accommodating of my emotional state.)

Anyway, long story short... I'm doing okay this summer, but I take things day by day. Because I take things day by day, I don't always do what I need to (i.e. find a therapist) because the task is intimidating. What if I don't like them? What if they tell me I don't really have a problem and I am just a typical person in grief? What if I talk and realize my fears are silly and I'm embarrassed to have sought help? All of these keep me from seeking counseling. I keep thinking I don't really need it. But then situations like today happen, and they happen frequently enough, and I realize that maybe I could be better at coping. 

brooklyngirl18

TW- child mentioned

@Taggarab your post hits home for me. I too, have a child at home (19 months) and I sometimes feel like I never really grieved properly because all my time and energy goes to him. It makes me feel incredibly lucky to have him but I also am wracked with these thoughts that he might be an only child. That is a thought that never crossed my mind until my loss. I always planned on more than 1 child and the thought that i didn't fully appreciate all the baby stuff assuming I would have another, takes my breath away. I also had an ectopic pregnancy and my dr said if I have another ectopic then he suggests I go straight to IVF. My insurance doesn't cover IVF and it would take us a long time to save up enough for it so i worry about that constantly.

I'm not the type to really openly discuss my feelings, only with DH, so I am so grateful to this group. I have learned so much from you and wish only the best for everyone here. We all deserve a rainbow.

dubcompanion

@Cmckenzie I am a SPED teacher and some of my students have a range of emotional/behavioral disorders that require social skill instruction. Whenever I work with students with severe anxiety, we talk at length about coping skills and how to think through a problem at hand. Yet here I am, with my own severe anxiety, and I at times feel like a failure. I can't even handle my own issues; how am I able to directly teach about dealing with them?

iceandsnowflakes29

Since we are on the subject of mental health, does anyone get pregnancy loss nightmares? 

Eta, that is one thing I can't control and do not know how to cope with. I had to wait to miscarry, meaning I knew it would happen, it wasn't a surprise, and during that wait all I dreamed about were awful vivid nightmares of losing a baby. Like on repeat. I still occasionally get them. 

dubcompanion

@iceandsnowflakes29 This probably doesn't completely relate to what you're looking for, but it's the closest I have... I'll share anyway...

I haven't had a vivid dream in weeks. Just this morning (after finally getting some shut-eye after overanalyzing my BBT drop), I had a dream that a beautiful fish came out of the kitchen faucet. I rushed to keep it under water and found a bowl. I poured water into a bowl and put the fish in it. It promptly died, because I didn't have the drops solution that makes the water pH friendly for it. I was so upset, because the fish was so beautiful and the moment I saw it, I really wanted to keep it and take care of it.

So, again, that might not be what you're looking for... But I found it interesting that I'd dreamt that after worrying that I was going to have a short LP phase this cycle and my chances of pregnancy were for naught (I was later reassured a bit in the TWW thread). 

SnobunnieMel

@iceandsnowflakes29 I have been having terrible nightmares which is new after this third loss. Lots of dreams with a baby that I'm some traumatic way or another I lose in a more physical sense or gets taken or I have to watch horrible things happen to. I am also having horrible nightmares about seeing DH remarried with someone and there are lots of kids and the new wife is a smug ass bitch. 

The dreams are the worst. I'm already under extreme stress at work and with TTCAL and sleep deprivation doesn't help 

iceandsnowflakes29

@dubcompanion I pm'ed you. I was afraid to share it publicly because it's pretty out there and so was my reaction. 

dubcompanion

@SnobunnieMel I've had those dreams too where my DH has found a woman who is able to give him the children he wants. He didn't really date before me, but there was a girl he was sort of with (in that innocent high school type way) back in 10th grade. We are still FB friends with her, and her second baby was born on the same day as our intended EDD. Needless to say, that wrecked me and played in my dreams a bit.

mylittleversailles

I'm really glad to see some dialogue. It's hard to talk about. I'm knocked down with a sinus headache at the moment, so I'll have to participate in more depth when I'm feeling better. My love to each and everyone of you, though.

I had vivid miscarriage nightmares from the day I got my bfp. They stopped after I saw the midwife, but we found out there was no heartbeat less than a week after that appointment. I have not had nightmares since then, though but they have plagued me through most of my life because of various other traumas.

ladipale

My anxiety is crazy. It was bad while oh- I started Zoloft during my first tri BC I was so freaked out. And has been awful.last few weeks since work has slowed down and I don't have things to keep.me busy. Like @chloe97 - I'm a hypochondriac and I hate it. I frequently break down and think "I don't want to be like this! I don't want to.be worried about everything my body is doing" but it's not like a switch I can turn on and off. Sucks. I've had a therapist for years which has been helpful the last few months for sure!

AliciaGoose

I both love and hate hearing all of your stories. It's amazing that this conversation has been started because it's something so common and yet so seldomly spoken about. My heart breaks for each and every person here. I find I can relate in some way to each and every one of your stories, and I think you are all so amazing and strong for sharing.

@SnobunnieMel I've had a couple of loss dreams. In one I was just told I would never be able to have children. I woke up crying feeling like it was some kind of terrible prediction of the future. I still get upset when I think about it and worry that the universe is somehow trying to tell me that it won't happen for me. In another I have a baby but everything is just out of my hands and people are doing things that I find unsafe and I can't stop them. I'm so so sorry you are having so many of these dreams. I can only imagine that it makes the stress and anxiety so much worse because I feel the same after the couple that I have had. 

In general, my anxiety has weirdly been better since my loss. I was REALLY terrified during my entire pregnancy that I was going to lose the baby. I don't really want to say it was because I had some kind of intuition that things weren't right, because that would give my anxious mind too much credit. But in the short month that I knew I was pregnant, my anxiety sky rocketed in a way that I hadn't felt in over two years. My mom actually wanted me to talk to someone while I was pregnant because she was worried it would only get worse when I actually gave birth and had to start worrying about all the ways something terrible could happen then as well. She basically said that in any non-anxious person, pregnancy is an anxiety ridden experience, and so is parenting, and so for someone who already struggles with OCD and anxiety, pregnancy and parenthood just amplify it. I never got around to seeing someone before my loss, but I plan to start seeing someone immediately if / when I get my next BFP. This way I can attack the anxiety head on. I am assuming the anxiety I will feel when PGAL will trump the anxiety I felt last time, and that's not something I want to mess with at all. Taking care of my own mental health I know will be crucial in order to be a good parent for the rest of my life. 

I also tend to do better emotionally when I am busy, and being a teacher that makes summertime challenging. So far I am handling the free time pretty well, but if at any point I feel overwhelmed I already have a therapist I have talked to picked out and ready to go if I feel I need it. I saw her last year when my anxiety picked up a bit and she was incredibly helpful. 

dubcompanion

@AliciaGoose That's very true about having summers off. I do best when I'm busy, and after my miscarriage, going off to teach was a nice distraction from my grief. I told only a few teachers so that I had someone around if I needed support at school but not so many that I felt like people were tiptoeing around me. Thus, work felt like a safe place to go where I could go about my day and also feel protected from potentially insensitive comments about having kids or pregnancy. 

My anxiety fared a little better shortly after the loss. The worst had happened so I kind of took a "fuck it" type of attitude. Now as I'm nearing the seventh month of TTCAL, anxiety is ramping up again because I can't help but worry about when it'll finally happen again. And God forbid, if I lose yet another pregnancy, will I be forever stuck in this pattern of 6+ months of trying, only to miscarry? 

Wishilivedinflorida

I'm so glad this thread is here. Loss definitely puts you in a weird place, to say the least.

@reneeannmm I'm so glad you have such a wonderful resource at your disposal. I hope it provides you with support when you need it.

I concur with a lot of you on the anxiety thing, and can even relate to @chloe97 with the whole hypochondria thing. Perhaps its because I work in medicine and I see worst case scenarios all the time, but sometimes I wonder if my multiple losses happened because underneath it all there is something very wrong with me (like cancer or something equally as bad). I also before TTC had maybe one or two full blown panic attacks per year, and they have continued. I've had one that I can recall in the middle of all of this. We were starting to watch The Martian and I couldn't even get through the first scene. Needless to say, we haven't revisited that movie again.

It's interesting this topic came up because I've had multiple missed calls from my health plan. I finally got time to call back today and when I asked what the reason for calling was, she replied that it's a "friendly 2nd trimester check-in." I explained that surely my health plan would not make this mistake, as I lost that pregnancy back in MARCH...she apologized profusely and then proceeded to ask if I was depressed. It was a very awkward conversation. Though I appreciate the inquiry regarding my mental health, it was done so poorly. Basically I frankly told the lady that though I'm a pretty resilient person, the next poor soul that this phone call happens to may not be. I told her it is unacceptable that a pregnancy ending in loss not be noted by the health plan over three months later. She said it's a problem they are aware of, but she's not sure how they are solving it. It was a weird punch in the gut today to realize I should be 4 and 1/2 months along by now and I'm not.

I am really afraid of being pregnant a third time. I'm keeping myself together now while TTC, but I have a feeling I'll probably fall apart once I get another BFP. Statistics aren't so good when you've had more than one loss before and no living children. I may pursue some counseling when that happens, because in my head I'm already planning to endure a third loss and having to go to an RE. 

AliciaGoose

@dubcompanion I unfortunately had the opposite experience with school after my miscarriage. It happened at the end of the year when I was already burnt out and stressed. School ended up being a trigger for me. In the beginning I cried on the way there everyday, and during my prep periods, and my duty period (study hall). 7 people that I worked with knew about it (2 administrators, and 5 other teachers). Two are my close friends so I told them in the beginning. Two were my office mates and I had to clue them in when I was missing a lot of days. And one is the teacher I share study hall with and shared with because I kept disappearing during study hall. The administrators I had to clue in when I knew I was going to miss a decent amount of days. One of my office mates was incredibly helpful. She checked in on me regularly, cried with me, signed in for me when my eyes were red and I didn't want to talk through the hallways. Even if I had a good weekend I would inevitably cry Monday morning on my way in. My supervisor scolded me a bit one day because I have a case of calculators and some were missing (really not a huge deal in the long run) and I started bawling because I was already so on edge and hormonal and emotional that I couldn't control myself. I can't tell you how many classes I taught after I had just finished sobbing just praying that my kids wouldn't pick up on the fact that something was wrong. It was honestly horrible. It wasn't anxiety, just intense sadness. I was happy to say goodbye to the year. I have been in a much better place since it ended. So now I'm hoping the summer anxiety doesn't come because I would like to have the summer to heal emotionally before I have to go back!

Also I am so sorry you are having those feelings in terms of time lines. TTCAL really is a huge mind F for lack of a better term. I am nervous to start TTC again for that very reason - namely that everything is so uncertain. Not only not knowing when I'll get pregnant again or if I'll get pregnant again, but obviously worrying about the outcome as well. 

MooFish2364

I have also had vivid dreams and I have a lot throughout my life. Like a lot of you, I have also worried that somehow my dreams were predicting the future somehow and that caused me a lot of sadness and anxiety.

FWIW My mom is one of those people who is super into dreams and dream interpretations and she told me when I was younger that when we have those kind of scary/sad/vivid dreams that they are "fear release" dreams. Kind of like your minds way of living out your worst fears so that you can begin to realize that even if it did happen in real life that you would survive. I like to think those dreams aren't predicting the future...just your minds way of releasing all of the fear that you have. 

TScalei

@Wishilivedinflorida - ugh I'm so sorry that phone call happened to you. It's so awful that what was probably a clerical mistake could trigger horrible sadness for someone.
@dubcompanion - the timing thing gets me too. It took us 8 months to get pregnant the first time. I just don't know how much longer I can be in this cycle of ttc, mmc, ttcal.

dubcompanion

@AliciaGoose I'm so sorry that it all hit you right at the end of the school year. A loss would indeed be incredibly overwhelming right then. Because you never had students asking you if something was wrong, you either did a good job at hiding your emotions or you had students who were respectful and let you have your space. (I'm thinking it's the latter, because kids are quite perceptive - in which case that is a really nice group of kids! ) It sounds like overall you had good support from other staff too. Being chided by your supervisor is no fun, and your reaction to it was completely understandable. I hope he/she was able to remember what really mattered and didn't give you too much of a hard time after that for a few missing calculators (also agree that's really not that big of a deal and really not even your fault.)

My miscarriage happened in mid-December, and I opted to go in the remaining days prior to break. There was one day where I walked into work in the middle of a meltdown and had to leave for the day. Luckily, the P was understanding, and my coworkers were supportive of it. It had been exactly a week since the D&C. I think those who knew were a bit surprised I'd bothered to come in at all that week. I'm a person who needs routine when dealing with grief. Thus, while I welcomed Christmas break, it was also a hard one. I was eager to get back to school in January. (It didn't help that my DH had his gallbladder removed the day after my D&C, so we both spent the end of 2015 feeling like we literally got punched in the gut and in the face.

I'm really trying hard to not put so much pressure on my ovaries and DH's sperm. But at the same time, if I'm not KU by summer's end, it'll mean eight months of TTCAL and no luck, AND having to start a stressful new school year with the same old fears and anxiety that I'd ended the previous school year with.  Woo.

I hope you get to enjoy your summer and have time to heal. Thanks a billion times for recommending Harvest Moon! I don't mean to bring that up in yet another thread (::cue everyone's eyeroll:: lol) but fun, new activities like that do help to enjoy the free time I have now and help distract from wallowing, turnip by turnip!

dubcompanion

@MooFish2364 I really like your mom's interpretations of dreams, and she's probably quite right. Even though we wake up from nightmares wondering what the hell is wrong with our subconscious state sometimes, it really is the mind playing through the worst case scenario and realizing that we'd be able to survive it if we absolutely had to, which in a way, is comforting. 

@TScalei The longer the process takes, the longer I realize I'm no longer so new at the TTC business. As it is, we are heading into our 16th month since pulling the goalie, and I don't feel enthusiastic or hopeful like I did TTC prior to our loss. FX we come out with rainbow babies after strolling through this dark tunnel of unknowingness for so long. 

roper2617

The thing that caught me by surprise after my mc was the anxiety. For days I couldn't leave my house. 

Shortly after my mc I did meet with a therapist that is/was available through my work place. She also used to be my supervisor, so perhaps awkward for some. But when you're a counsellor in a small town you take what you can get. There are some days I feel that I need to get this stronger-than-before anxiety under control, but it's hard when you have conflicts of interest with all other counsellors/therapists in town.

I try to make self care a priority. Reading helps me get out of my own head, so I try to do that. Running (okay fine...jogging, at turtle pace) and working out proved to be so helpful too. But then I stopped, and lo and behold my anxiety is back! I also make sure I say no to things that may be too triggering.

@reneeannemm Thank you for starting this thread! What an amazing program you have available, it sounds so great!

@cmackenzie14 It's hard to counsel ourselves. I intellectually understand why I'm having anxiety and doing the behaviours I do, but sometimes I have a hard time taking my own advice. 

@MooFish2364  I like your moms fear release theory. 

@dubcompanion I hear you on all your worries about seeing a therapist. To answer your what if questions: you get a new one. You are worth having a therapist that is able to understand and support you well. Sometimes people don't click, and that's perfectly okay, but you can't stay with someone you're not comfortable with. (Well technically you can, but it'll probably be detrimental). 

@Wishilivedinflorida Wow,I can not believe that phone call happened. That's so unacceptable. 

Edit: typing is hard and autocorrect is funny

dubcompanion

Thank you @roper2617 I needed to hear that.

AliciaGoose

@dubcompanion I'm so glad you had a good support system at work as well. I know what you mean about routine. I don't actually know that I would have been much better off if I did take more time from work. Honestly I think I took a total of 3.5 days (they were sporadic because I was going through a natural MC and only took 1.5 days for Dr appointments, and the other two when I thought for whatever reason I would be in pain or unable to handle the day) and each day that I took I felt incredibly guilty for not being there. Especially because I teach an honors class and it was the end of the year and I had things I needed to finish up before finals. So I think it was kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't kind of situations. I was going to be upset no matter where I was.

I think at least one of my classes realized I was upset one day but they didn't really push or do anything. They are very respectful kids actually. I had a pretty good group. They pried a little at first when I was absent so many sporadic days (when I basically missed only days for my wedding the entire rest of the year) but I just told them I was sick and that was it.

Luckily my supervisor was ok about it. He didn't mention the calculators again even at the end of the year when I handed them in short 3 (they're graphing calculators so they are relatively expensive). I don't think he anticipated me crying about calculators because they aren't a big deal, so he was a little uncomfortable. But I think he later realized it wasn't actually about them (because it wasn't, that's just what pushed me over the edge).

Also you are totally welcome about harvest moon! I am so so glad you are enjoying it. It's not everyone's cup of tea but when I heard the other games you are into I figured it would be worthwhile for you!

I am also really nervous about the new year starting, not because I will have been TTCAL for that long, but more because I'm terrified of a repeat loss and having to deal with it during the school year again. Or just dealing with 1st tri in a hopefully successful pregnancy. I have a lot of fears about those two things and how they will affect me
both emotionally and professionally. 

dubcompanion

@AliciaGoose I took off 3.5 days off also (It helped there was a snow day the Monday after my D&C). I TOTALLY get the damned if you do, damned if you don't type situation! As you know, I teach SPED, so I have several kids on behavior plans. When I'm absent, I'm not always sure who is subbing for me. One of my kids has made subs cry (though he and I get along well). Fortunately, a seasoned sub was in my place for the times I was absent, and she knows my students well. I was extremely grateful for that. But yeah. The other MS SPED teacher and I joke that when we are sick, we decide exactly how sick we are before calling in - because being gone takes as much work as just going to work and toughening the illness out.

I had a few students question me too why I was gone. Luckily, the ones who typically pry into my personal life already knew my DH was to have surgery, so within a day, all of them just assumed I'd been taking care of him. Also, since I teach-one-to-one with kids, I really had to keep my emotions in check. They're an arms-length away from me when I work with them, and my kids on behavior plans are ridiculously perceptive of others' emotions. Fortunately, I've built my rapport with each of them by cracking jokes and being silly, so that actually really helped mask my sadness. I think the best distraction for me was just that - being able to laugh with my students. They'll never know how much they've helped me on hard days. 

Your fears of having to go through another loss during the school year or even just trying to get through a successful first trimester (and a healthy pregnancy in general) are totally reasonable, and they're among mine as well. With all of us voicing our anxieties, I really, really wish there was a magic saying or a way to alleviate them so I could help comfort. I'm so, so thankful we have this outlet to share our thoughts and to know we've got each other to lean on for support. 

And now I'm going to try to figure out this blueprint business on Harvest Moon and also my first harvest festival!

CTRMommyof4

I already have depression and anxiety, this last 6 months has been absolute sheer living hell for me. It's very very difficult to NOT be depressed when all I want is a baby and now finding out that this will be our last, should we even be able to have one. 

Taggarab

@Wishilivedinflorida I am so sorry about that phone call. I can unfortunately completely relate to those feelings. When I had my surgery, they had me recover and spend the night on the L&D floor to be monitored by my Dr. Luckily I was still kind of in shock at the time so that didn't affect me until later, but I got a call from a nurse a week after discharge saying she was just calling to see how mom and baby we're doing. I had just really started trying to deal with all the emotions going along with losing my baby as well what seemed like half of my fertility. I was literally speechless for a few seconds before mumbling something about being in there for a different reason. I think the nurse was mortified, but I swear that they need to be more careful about these things. I had my MIL in the car with me and wasn't about to break down in front of her so I had to hold it together for about 2 hours until I was alone. 

Also, unrelated to that story, I met one of my friends brother and his wife the other day. Wife is pregnant and due Sept 11. My EDD was Sept 17 and seeing her still hit me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it seems like I have come so far and dealt with my emotions, but then other times I just feel so raw and bitter inside. I had a sweet little life in me that I didn't even know about until 3 days before he/she was taken from me and it seems so terribly unfair. 

Cmckenzie

dubcompanion- sorry is still cant figure out how to do the @soandso thing.  I understand what you mean. I am teaching my clients about how to cope, we actually did grief and loss not to long ago, and I am teaching them different methods of positive coping skills and how to get away from negative coping skills. The whole time I felt like a fraud. I hate looking at facebook, but then I feel the need to see if anyone is having a baby. I don't really enjoy going out. I have anxiety attacks when my emotions get out of control. They say only people with issues choose fields like ours.. maybe they were right?

 

mylittleversailles

@dubcompanion @AliciaGoose OK but I'm getting Harvest Moon like right now

I took allergy meds which make me really dopey (v sensitive to all medication) so I'm still just glad we can have this conversation and hopefully later more full thoughts will form.

dubcompanion

@Cmckenzie I think a lot of people who understand mental health disorders (either because they have one or knows someone close to them who does) go into fields like ours because they want to help. It also provides them means to continue working through whatever they or the person close to them has.

When I'm in a good place - i.e. calm, centered, overall content with life - it can almost be harder to work with students with anxiety or depressive disorders. I just have a harder time seeing their perspective on things and have to restrain myself from saying useless, non-helpful things like "You're fine" or "It's not a big deal." (Sometimes their issues really aren't a big deal but the underlying problem is the trigger and the origin of their emotions, not what set them off.)

So when I am anxious or not in a good place emotionally, it can be easier for me to empathize, which helps to offer more sincere guidance and understanding. Because I'm not formally trained in counseling - just the instruction and management of emotional/behavior disorders - it's sometimes harder for me to remove myself from it. One of my students' parents divorced during the school year, and she has high-functioning autism. The uprooting from her childhood home and having to say goodbye to her beloved pets were among the many hardships I talked her through. I remember one distinct conversation we had, shortly after my loss, where she was crying in my room and saying it wasn't fair. She didn't ask for any of this. And I just cried right along with her. 

ladipale

@dubcompanion - I'm the same way with teaching. My anxiety got insane once my quarter ended and its summer. I just went to a conference and now its bad again because of all my down time. It sucks. 

dubcompanion

@ladipale I hope you are able to enjoy your break some before another crazy school year starts. (I know, easier said than done.) Hugs to you.