Parenting Time

j32444

So... I am at a loss. I know this board is not overly active. But i hope there are enough people let to give a little advise. Back story.. My ex and I have been divorced for nearly three years now. Prior to the divorce I was the primary care giver to our son as his father worked over 60 hours a week and chose never to be home. When he was home he was sleeping or out with his friends. After the divorce, due to his work schedule we decided that the parenting schedule that would work best for our son was for me to be the custodial parent and have primary custody. He is at his dads 8 nights a month, every Thursday and every other weekend. 

Now, DS will be started kindergarten this fall!! His father and I live an hour apart and he has stated that our parenting schedule will not work for him. He can not and will not drive DS to school every Friday morning. I do not want DS to loose parenting time with his dad but I also do not want to change our schedule to much. I know kids are resilient. His father would like me to have M-F and him have every weekend and then switch in the summer months. I am completely against this schedule. Another option is continuing every other weekend while in school and doing every other week during the summer. My concern about dong every other week is that his father absolutely refuses to communicate with me. He has stated multiple times that he does not wish to talk with me, he said if I need anything I need to communicate with his fiance. And he has lied to me on multiple occasions about issues revolving around custody. The only time he actually communicates with me is through mediation. He will never discuss and issue regarding our son outside of mediation. We had to go to court to talk about what school our son was going to go to because he refused to talk about it and we have joint legal custody and it was not in our custody agreement. It is petty things like that, that make me nervous about week on and week off parenting. He will miss out on soccer during the summer because his father will not take him. Nor will he enroll him in any type of summer camp or program where he lives. He will be babysat M-F while with him by an unlicensed sitter watching children out of her home. Sorry, I guess I am venting more now that asking for help. 

I would love to know what has worked for you. Which us living an hour apart and his dad not willing to travel, he has stated any M-F custody during the year is not an option. 

If you have made it this far, Thank you!

EverythingsBetterOutside

My situation is different, of course, but we do have a big distance between parents. First of all, not enrolling your son in summer camp and soccer is dad's right and something you and your son will just have to deal with. If the unlicensed childcare is critically important to you, you can try to get that in the custody documents, but that may not happen. At least it is an adult providing care... my stepchild's bio mom has left him unsupervised in a waiting room all day while she worked or with a 14 year old babysitter, again for 10 hours or so a day, but we don't find out about these things until much later.

Here's a suggestion for a schedule: school year- M-F and every 4th weekend with mom (you definitely want some non-school time with him, so dad can have 3 weekends and mom has 1 each month), spring break and Christmas or thanksgiving break with Dad. Summer- 2-6 weeks with Dad and reverse the weekends so 3 with Mom and every 4th is with Dad (nice to have it as one big chunk in a row, let's him settle in and feel at home at dads). Choose 4 or 5 weeks if you want to have the exact same amount of parenting time you have now. Also, when you stop the midweek night at dad's, you should add in a phone call or, preferably, Skype so he can keep up that relationship. For kids that young, 1-2 weeks is a long time to go without seeing and talking to a parent.

My math/logic- dad gets 96 nights per year right now. With 3/4 weekends, he would get 60 weekend nights in a school year, assuming 10 months of school. Add in 5 weekdays each for holidays and spring break, he's up to 70, so he should get 26 summer nights, which is 4-5 weeks of summer. Usually Christmas break is a week longer than thanksgiving, so you could 4 weeks of summer when at dad's for Christmas and 5 weeks when he's there for thanksgiving. Some schools have an extra week off in October or February, so if yours is like that, he can spend more time during the year with Dad and a week shorter in summer. 

midge519

If he won't communicate other than mediation take it there with a few different options (PP has really good ideas). They will help you set up a new order. You'll have to go through them anyway so to adjust the current one with school starting. In my CO we have it that all parties must take the children to their extracurricular activities. I'm the primary and if the kids want softball/baseball and a game falls on their day they have to make sure the kids are where they are to be. You could see if that can be put in, but remember if you request that they will probably also put that you have to agree on the activities so that could be an uphill battle 

izza2

j32444 said:

He is at his dads 8 nights a month, every Thursday and every other weekend. 

Now, DS will be started kindergarten this fall!! His father and I live an hour apart and he has stated that our parenting schedule will not work for him. He can not and will not drive DS to school every Friday morning. I do not want DS to lose parenting time with his dad but I also do not want to change our schedule to much. I know kids are resilient. His father would like me to have M-F and him have every weekend and then switch in the summer months. I am completely against this schedule. Another option is continuing every other weekend while in school and doing every other week during the summer. My concern about doing every other week is that his father absolutely refuses to communicate with me. He has stated multiple times that he does not wish to talk with me, he said if I need anything I need to communicate with his fiance. And he has lied to me on multiple occasions about issues revolving around custody. The only time he actually communicates with me is through mediation. He will never discuss and issue regarding our son outside of mediation. We had to go to court to talk about what school our son was going to go to because he refused to talk about it and we have joint legal custody and it was not in our custody agreement. It is petty things like that, that make me nervous about week on and week off parenting. He will miss out on soccer during the summer because his father will not take him. Nor will he enroll him in any type of summer camp or program where he lives. He will be babysat M-F while with him by an unlicensed sitter watching children out of her home. Sorry, I guess I am venting more now that asking for help. 

I would love to know what has worked for you. Which us living an hour apart and his dad not willing to travel, he has stated any M-F custody during the year is not an option. 

If you have made it this far, Thank you!

1st bolded: If you live an hour away, and I'm assuming you're putting DS in Kindergarten closer to you? Then, I can understand this and wouldn't expect him to do so. My DSS's bio-mum lives ~1.25 hrs away, and I wouldn't expect her to drop DSS off at school Monday morning. It's not feasible for the parent and definitely not for the child. So, scratch school-night visits.

2nd bolded: Why are you against the schedule your exH is asking for? It's the schedule we have with our DSS. DSS goes to his bio-mum's Friday night through Sunday evening and is back Sunday night for school the next morning. We don't have weekends with him, but we have him every week night after 3, so it's a fair enough trade. Most anything you want to do on a weekend you can do during the week as well. We've switched so we have every other weekend with DSS during the summer as well since he's in summer camp. Why are you against the schedule/why doesn't it appeal to you? Is he asking to have him M-F during the summer months? If so I can understand not wanting to do so, but otherwise I'm not sure..

3rd bolded: For that reason, I wouldn't do a whole week at his father's, unless you had an agreement that you will have whatever evening in the middle of the week or a couple of evenings to call and talk to your son.

4th: Is this a feasible/reasonable option? I'm the person who communicates with DSS's bio-mum about everything to do with DSS. H used to handle things when we first got together, but he did not enjoy talking to her and she was generally unpleasant toward him every time they did talk, so eventually I just handled it all. If he lies or just wants to handle things through mediation - then I would just handle everything through mediation. It saves both of you from having trouble later on.

5th: I wouldn't expect him to enroll DS in a summer program closer to him. I wouldn't expect DSS's bio-mum to enroll DSS in a program closer to where she is. It's an outrageous thing to expect or ask for, IMO. But, as for the "unlicensed sitter", if it's a bother then bring it up during a mediated meeting and have that hashed out as well as the visitation schedule once he starts school.



As for us, we have DSS during the week and his bio-mum has him on weekends. I drop him off Friday nights and she brings him back Sunday nights, or we meet half-way. During the summer we'll keep him every other weekend, and if I'm able to stay with having every other weekend off of work, I'll probably talk to her about us continuing that schedule or asking DSS where he'd like to go every other weekend and letting him choose.

loveallthings

I guess I don't understand why you're not willing to switch the schedule during the summer? You say you don't want your child to lose out on time with the father, but your post sounds very selfish, honestly. It sounds like you're concerned with what is best for yourself, not your child. I don't know what the problem is with your child being with a baby sitter who isn't "licensed". Did you have a license to become a parent when you gave birth? Do you expect your child's father to stay home and pluck money off the money tree? That isn't really a valid reason to not let your child go. 

If if I were you, I'd re-think the schedule, and compromise a little. Honestly, I can see why your ex doesn't want to deal with you.