How is everyone doing? Check-in 5/17

rainbowturtles

Just a reminder that anyone can start this weekly thread if it isn't already up I'm not in the right mindset to think of a GTKY so that's why I was waiting  

For the new people who joined this board in the last two weeks, we are all so sorry for your losses. This board is proof that you don't have to go through this alone!

How are you all doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with? Feel free to rant and vent, this is a safe space where we offer support and compassion

I wish none of us had to be here but at least we're in it together

chloe97

I will start! I'm home from work all week after my D&E last week. Best decision I made and definitely one that I wish I would've made with my 1st MC. The hormones are dropping, I'm not sleeping- all kinds of things are going through my head. I need to get my head on straight. Work can wait. I've been at my job 10 years and managed to bank 38 sick days(separate from vacation). They just announced another 3 weeks of paid maternity leave- now we are up to 9 paid and 7 we can use vacation/sick time for. So I felt like this was the right decision for me. 

I was not expecting all of my energy to come rushing back. It's amazing how much energy that baby was sucking from me. Its 11 am and I've managed to clean my house, file needed HR paperwork. I'm waiting on my laundry to finish then I'm going to get a mani/pedi and a therapy appointment later today. Tomorrow, I'm headed back home to see my parents. They wanted to come this week, but H and I needed privacy to deal with our grief and I don't have the emotional stamina right now to deal with their anxiety about being in a big city. They are both nearing 70 and every time they come visit, traffic and parking are always major issues. So it's much much better that I go to them.

Emotionally, right now I'm numb. I know this will come and go. Im considering trying to schedule an RE appointment, but I know that they are going to make me wait 1-2 months before RPL testing. Or does anyone know, can they do a CD 3 test the week after a D&C? Having a plan will help, but I know I need to learn patience right now. This is not my strong suit.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks so much to everyone for all the support I've gotten this week!

RiverSong15

Thanks for getting us started @rainbowturtles! I'm doing OK today, although last night was tough. I'm in a book club with a woman who is due 3 weeks before my first EDD. I only see her once a month, so it's painfully obvious how much more pregnant she is each time and I always think about where I should be. 

Aside from that, we pulled the trigger on testing and I went for my CD3 bloodwork today (16 vials!), which includes karyotyping. I also have an SHG scheduled for Friday. I haven't done the best job of communicating with H about my thoughts on testing, as I'm still torn on what results I'm hoping for or what we'll do once we get results back. I tend to bottle up my thoughts until I know what I want to do, and I need to be better about talking through my thoughts with him. He's been a saint about it though and didn't get angry. I love that man more every day, and I'm so thankful that if I have to walk this road that he's the one walking it with me.

Questions: for anyone that's done the RPL testing, was it common to not have an SA done or to get 7DPO progesterone? As far as I can see, those are the only two standard things missing my testing order. Those aren't time critical, but I'm curious if I need to bring it up with my OB over the next few weeks.

ETA: @chloe97 I'm glad you are happy with your decision and taking time for yourself. As for CD3 bloodwork, my doctors didn't even want to test my thyroid (which I'm on medication for), let alone any other hormones, until I got my first period. After a MC your hormones are crashing and in flux, and your results wouldn't be accurate. At least as far as FSH, AMH, LH, thyroid, prolactin, etc., are concerned.

If you want to get testing started, you could probably do the karyotyping now, and possibly the blood clotting and immune testing now (although def check with your OB). It will mean more trips to the lab and more needles, but it may be worth it if you feel like you need to be doing something. And I've heard karyotyping can take 2 weeks or more to come back, so there's that.

rainbowturtles

@chloe97 I'm so glad you're taking the time off that you need and deserve It's so awesome that your energy is so up today! And sounds like a good idea that you're waiting on the visit from the folks 

@RiverSong15 It's definitely hard watching others progressing through their pregnancies, knowing where we know we "should have/would have" been  That is so many vials!!! I have chronic illnesses and I think MY highest was only 10 and I thought that was a lot lol But really glad you're getting the testing even if you're not sure your feelings about it and the outcomes

I really wish I could answer both your questions about testing, ladies, but I'm stuck in the Canadian limbo where they won't test until 3 losses  The only testing they did for me was mostly immune type stuff as I'm RH negative and we didn't know DHs blood type at the time (turns out he's RH negative, too, yay!). 

Edit: one letter makes a big difference 

katiegeminimoon

This was my first loss (and first pregnancy) so I know nothing about all these tests. I wish I knew what they all were so I could follow all the conversations about them. I hope you ladies get answers soon though.

I am doing ok overall. I am ready to start trying again, but we have to wait another month because of disability benefits. I am struggling with other peoples pregnancies pretty hardcore. My SIL is pregnant and I cannot even bring myself to look at her. We saw her Sunday and I had to constantly work to stay away from her/not look at her. I HATE feeling like this and acting so hateful, I am not normally like this. I hope I can get over it soon.

rainbowturtles

@ktcakes87 I just found out one of my SILs is pg, too, and we have to visit DH's family and sisters this weekend and I know my insides are just gonna cringe when I see her and just hope there isn't a lot of talk about it or her symptoms, which sounds selfish but it is her fourth so I'm just hoping maybe it won't be the main topic of conversation . This is my 2nd mc and the 1st was 10yrs ago so I've done a LOTTT of acceptance work around other ppl's pregnancies but it's still hard and still some ppl's I can handle and others are harder. What has helped me A BIT is to not get frustrated or mad when I DO get upset or feel triggered by a baby bump or pregnancy but to sort of give myself permission to be upset and acknowledge it, like "yep it makes sense this is upsetting me and that's okay" and give yourself as much compassion as possible. I also realized I might never "get over it", there may never be a time I see a baby bump that DOESN'T make me at least think about my losses, and that's okay and normal, too.

I don't know if that helps at all, but honestly I'm so sorry for your loss and just let yourself grieve how you need to.

MrsBinPA

@chloe97 I had CD3 labs and RPL panel drawn at the same time by the RE as soon as I got my first period after my second loss.

@Riversong15 DH managed to get out of the SA because I had gotten pregnant twice in less than a year with the RE.  I did have 1 7dpo set of labs but when it was normal with 1 cycle they didn't do it again the next.

I am doing pretty well.  Ass kicked at work so haven't been posting much.   Just waiting for AF to start clomid again.  Concerned that my MC are still unexplained and most likely immune related.  Treatments just seem like a crap shoot.

BrightenMySky

@rainbowturtles thanks for getting this started. Not getting frustrated about having normal reactions like that is a really good way to think about things, I need to work on that. 

@chloe97 continuing to send you good thoughts. Really glad you are taking some time off from work. On the issue of seeing an RE, it seems unlikely that they would do bw before you get your period post loss, but if you want to have a sit down with an RE, that might be a good way to see if you like the particular doctor and get a plan set. That usually makes me feel good to have those kinds of talks, and it helps that I really like my RE. 

@ktcakes87 I am sorry for your loss. I identify with the feelings you're describing. It's so hard to look at pregnant women or new babies. I think for me it's the reminder of what I don't have that is so hard. 

@RiverSong15 that is a lot of blood! I had an HSG, not sure if that's what you are having or not (I had the one where they inject dye into the uterus, maybe you are doing a saline one?). Anyway, I can talk about my experience if it's the same one. My REs office suggested some ibuprofen an hour before, and I think that helped me. 

@MrsBinPA sorry work is getting you down. Hugs. 

I am generally exhausted. My dog is having some side effects from her cancer treatment, but hopefully they will be behind us soon. Just so worried about her, and then worried about my stress levels, and it's a bad cycle. Trying to figure out how to deal with a friend who is due a month after my EDD from my loss. She has had losses herself, so I want to be sympathetic, but I know seeing her will be hard, plus the things she has said to me both about fertility treatments and my loss have not been comforting to me, so I kind of just want to avoid. But that's not a long term solution. 

RiverSong15

@rainbowturtles and @ktcakes87 Sorry about the pregnant SILs. That sounds so hard to deal with.

@MrsBinPA thanks for sharing. Sounds like an SA may not be necessary, but I'll think about asking about the progesterone check. I'm sorry work has been so busy and that you dont have answers about the MCs.

@BrightenMySky I'm having the saline one done. From what I've read, the dye is used more often to check tubes, and saline is just for uterine abnormalities. I'm not jazzed about someone shooting liquid into my ute either way, but we'll see how it goes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your pup! I hope she feels better and beats her cancer.

rainbowturtles

@BrightenMySky I'm a HUGE dog lover (we have 3 *so far*) and it breaks my heart you and your pup are going through this  Feel free to share a pic if you're up to it

Does anyone know if my hormones could still be wonky post-mc even if I'm having normal periods? I'm just so so quick to tears about EVERYTHING. Maybe it could also be grief still? I'm trying not to stress about it, they're just tears, but at the same time I always try to make sense of things that don't feel normal to me 

BrightenMySky

Thank you @rainbowturtles I will definitely try to share a pict later.  And I think it's likely that hormones could still be out of whack in the first handful of cycles post-loss, but I also think that the grief post-loss lasts a while (not sure it ever fully goes away) and may affect you in unexpected ways.  Please be kind to yourself.  

dubcompanion

@rainbowturtles I concur with @BrightenMySky - So much impacts our emotional state following a miscarriage/loss, and we all deal so uniquely with it too. What we do have in common is that we cared about our baby and that we are doing the best we can day-to-day to get by. It's great that you post your thoughts and how you're feeling. It's a wonderful way to process it all.

@chloe97 So glad you get to have a full week off and that you can truly relax. I envy the energy you were able to get back so quickly.  It took me a couple months to get my mojo back. 

@BrightenMySky So sorry to hear about your puppy. Hope she's doing a little better today. 

Spartanrd4

I'm doing okay this week, I'm on a staycation with DH which helps. I realized that some people at work cause me a lot of stress because I don't feel very supported by some post loss. Life is too short and I have learned through this who really cares about me and who are my true friends...I don't have time for anyone else. Hope to do some gardening which is kind of a therapy for me.

I try not to think that I would be 20 weeks right now and half way through my pregnancy. It just sucks and there is nothing else to say. 

I did visit a friend's baby the other day and did a lot better than I thought I would.

I wish everyone a good week and lots of hugs! ❤

Sugargirl1019

I'm exhausted all the time, and have just wanted to cry pretty constantly. I'm very quiet, not talking, and people at work have noticed.

I'm at this weird place mentally where I really miss being pregnant and wish I had a reason to go looking at cribs and strollers.... And then feeling .. relieved that my life won't be changed like this and I have more time at work without having to decide if I'm leaving for good or not. That was a big stress for me.. But it feels wrong to be having these feelings of relief.

I'm still bleeding over 1 week later after my D&C. I was totally counting on 3 days of spotting and being done with it. No pain at all, but I was going through multiple pads a day 2 days ago. I want to have sex so bad with DH.. That's really hard (tehe that's whaybshe said). See?? I need it and it's not fair.

Glitter

Hey Everyone! Today is 3 weeks since mc and d&c. Since finding out it was triploidy and a partial molar, its been hard. I do blood work weekly, started bc which is making me sick ( I have to be on it because of the partial), and have so many emotions. I hate that Im not able to ttc right away but there is some good news, maybe. I might be able to ttc a little earlier than a year. My levels have dropped so well but still not at zero. They have to hold zero for I think 6 months before I can try again. Frustrating but It gives me time to figure things out, work on my emotional and physical health, and consult an RE. Im not up to speed on all the tests but Im pretty sure Im going to see one just to get peace of mind. Ive had 3 mc so Itd be nice.

 @chloe97  Im so glad your doing ok after your d&e. Its awesome you have the option to stay home, rest, and get to feeling better. I hope you have a good time visiting with your parents.

 @RiverSong15  and @ktcakes87  I know exactly how you feel. Its hard for me to be around pregnant women and even babies. I love seeing them, holding them but I cant help thinking about my own problems. It makes my heart hurt. Ive been trying to be supportive of friends. I just tell myself that I need to be happy for them and thankful for their healthy babies because I know how much happiness they have and will bring. Im working on getting better about talking about their pregnancies.

 @MrsBinPA I know waiting sucks. 

lin0442

I went to my 12 week scan yesterday, at 12w5d, and there wasn't a heartbeat, although the fetus was measuring almost on schedule so the demise had happened pretty recently. Things had looked good at the 8w scan, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.

It was pretty unambiguous, and I guess I'm grateful for the mercy of finding out now, as opposed to a few weeks after the scan. I was very excited, but I was being as cautious as I could until after this scan, so I suppose it's good that I protected myself a little. Me and my husband both feel pretty raw right now, but he has been so wonderful and supportive even if he's hurting too. 

I have my D&C scheduled for tomorrow and will get the karyotyping done. It won't really make me feel better- I think that will only be time- but it will be nice to have some closure. I was amazed at how kind and sensitive the OB and MFM offices were on such a horrible day. 

dubcompanion

@Glitter So sorry for your recent loss and that you'll need to be benched. Hoping you can find some answers in the meantime and to feel ready to TTC when it comes time. 

@lin0442 It's sad that we have to be so cautious for so long.. I also found out at my 12 week scan that the heartbeat had stopped. Mine had stopped developing around 10.5 weeks. At the 8 week appt, everything looked good as well. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband have each other to lean on during this rough time. So sorry for your loss and wishing you a smooth, quick recovery following the D&C. 

Sugargirl1019

@lin0442 I'm so sorry for your loss. This board is amazing for support.

Taggarab

@lin0442  So sorry to hear about your loss

BrightenMySky

@lin0442 sorry for your loss.  Hugs.

chloe97

@lin0442 I'm so sorry for your loss.

Im having a bad day today. I decided to visit my parents in my hometown and that was a bad decision. I had a panic attack upon arriving up here yesterday. I don't know why, I just felt like I'm going to die. My father battles numerous chronic health conditions, one flared up this week and so it's making very anxious. To top it off I went flower shopping with my mom and we were going to buy some flowers for me to plant in my flower box at home, when I remembered I can't keep anything alive- plants or babies. I lost it. I'm now laying in my childhood bed begging H to talk me down on the phone. I just want to lay next to him and have him calm me down but he's 5 hour away. I should not have made such an ambitious plan for this week off. My anxiety levels are out of control. I can't believe I go back to work on Monday.

rainbowturtles

Oh goodness @chloe97 I'm so so sorry you're having such a hard time I don't really know what to say other than feel free to vent more here and be kind to yourself  

BrightenMySky

@chloe97 I am sorry, we are here for you.  I was away from DH over the weekend (Saturday through Monday), and by Sunday night I was freaking out in my hotel room thinking about leaving on the next train I could make in the middle of the night.  Hugs.

roxgibbons

I'm so sorry @chloe97. I understand your anxiety and wanting to be close to your DH. It's so normal after everything you have gone through. I'm sorry things are tough right now. Just take care of yourself and do what feels right even if it means cutting your plans short. Hugs to you. 

Glitter

 @lin0442  so sorry hun. It is so sad that any of us deal with this but we will get through it. I hope everything goes well. 

@chloe97 oh no im so sorry you had such a hard time. Its hard to resume normalcy after everything youve went through. I also know what you mean, i needed my SO at all times it seemed. I hope you start feeling better. I know i say this like every day butttt if you need to chat just pm one of us. We are so lucky to have each other during this time. This board has made my hard time so much easier. 

dubcompanion

@chloe97 I know that words can't heal, only time can, but we're here for you and so sorry you have to go through all this. You are such a strong woman; in time, you'll come to find how strong you really are. Take care.  

BrightenMySky

Just wanted to share here that I got a fundraising mailer from the hospital where I had my d&c yesterday.  The letter was all about how many babies are born there, happy belated mothers day, etc.  I wrote back on the letter that I had a d&c there earlier this year, and yes, I did know someone born there, my own baby and too soon, so please do not send me more things like this.  Figured it was worth the stamp to get a little of that out, particularly since I did not find their staff particularly compassionate at the time of my surgery.  

RiverSong15

@chloe97 I'm so so sorry you're having a bad day. I certainly understand wanting to keep your H close. Hugs lady. As others have said, post here or send a PM if you need to talk.

@Brightenmysky How awful! I'm angry at that hospital for you. It's not that hard to keep records straight and show some compassion. Good for you for writing back!

RiverSong15

Well, had my saline sonogram done today, and everything looked normal. I'm very happy that nothing is wrong. It's just tough having no explanation for our losses, because if we don't know what's wrong, we can't fix it. Now it's just the long wait for my CD3 bloodwork and the parental karyotyping to come back. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

BrightenMySky

@RiverSong15 glad the saline sono was normal, but sorry for how frustrating it is not to have any explanation.

Glitter

@RiverSong15  how was the saline sono? Im scared and id love to know how your experience was. You can pm or post here, whatever you feel comfortable with. Also im glad it was normal but sorry no answers yet . waiting for answers is hard, i hope your wait goes quick.

RiverSong15

@Glitter It wasn't too bad. They used a speculum and inserted a thin catheter through my cervix. That was the worst part for me, but speculums are always uncomfortable for me during Pap smears. There was a little cramping as the catheter went through my cervix, but it wasn't bad. I didn't even really feel the saline. They then use a transvaginal ultrasound to see your uterus. My exam was honestly mostly uncomfortable and pinchy because they were using new equipment for them and couldn't figure out how to use it and what order things needed to go in. They were also training a new person, so they were talking through everything a lot. That extended the time I had the speculum inserted. I think a normal version of the procedure wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I did take 400mg of ibuprofen beforehand just in case.

chloe97

@RiverSong15 I'm not quite there yet, but I can definitely understand the need to have something wrong that's easy to fix so there's a solution. In my particular circumstance, I know for sure I had a bad egg with one and I'm pretty confident that the 1st was as well. Most miscarriages are chromosomally abnormal embryos, particularly if you are getting pregnant easily- it's more like your body is accepting the bad ones. A good friend of mine had 3 first trimesters losses in her early 30s- she also got pregnant very easily. She started Clomid and immediately had her rainbow. She just needed help ovulating a good egg. Hopefully they find nothing else concerning in your workup and an easy fix like Clomid does the trick for you.  

Wishilivedinflorida

@BrightenMySky that sounds awful. I too have had untimely mailers. My health plan sends a "Congrats on your pregnancy!" mailer. I've received it after my losses both times, around when I would be 11-12 weeks. I mean, I get their intention, but it just sucks.

@chloe97 I just wanted to send you extra hugs today.

@RiverSong15 I'm glad to hear your sono was normal, but also share in your frustration that there's nothing apparent to "fix." I haven't had as extensive of a workup as you, but I'm in the same boat thus far. I have read consistently that RPL moms only find something "wrong" about 50% of the time. It's not a very comforting statistic. I've never in my life hoped to have something wrong with me before. Such an odd feeling. Would you mind sharing the cost of the karyotyping when you get billed? I didn't ask for it because I'm worried about the cost and the likelihood of a normal result.

RiverSong15

Thanks @chloe97! It's such a tough place to be in, and I'm not sure where I stand yet either on all of this. It's just a giant muddle and I decided at the last minute this week that I just wanted more information about my body before I could make decisions. I hope you are doing OK today. 

@Wishilivedinflorida Thanks! Yeah, it's an odd place to be in mentally. I keep telling myself that it's a good thing if they find nothing wrong. The stats I've read show that oftentimes the best success rates after MC are with the women where nothing wrong was identified. It definitely messes with my mind, though, and I had a mini-anxiety attack at work after getting my blood draw.

I'll be happy to share costs once we're billed for it. It may or may not be covered by insurance - RPL is kinda sorta but not really an official IF diagnosis for my insurance company.... Vague enough for you? The plan documents I could find showed that parental karyotyping may be covered for both of us, but who knows? My insurance company is bitchy - they didn't even cover one of my ultrasounds to confirm a MC. H and I talked about it, and we decided that the peace of mind was worth pulling money out of savings, if needed. Sigh. It won't be easy pill to swallow though.

Wishilivedinflorida

@RiverSong15 I hear you on the vagueness. So far I've been just doing what has been recommended to me, and so far it hasn't been bad. I called my health plan and they said IF testing is 100% covered, whatever that means. Luckily my RPL panel only cost me $40, plus another couple bucks for a prolactin. If I don't get KU this cycle I'm going to ask for CD3 labs and maybe karyotyping. We are getting a new in-network OB group with an RE in town by this fall, so I'm hoping to see them, regardless if I'm KU or not, this year.

BrightenMySky

@Wishilivedinflorida I got materials from my insurance company about a week after my loss.  It did say in small print at the bottom that they were sorry if there had been a miscarriage recently.  So, at least there was that.

chloe97

Thanks for the well-wishes @RiverSong15 and @wishilivedinflorida. I'm hanging in there. I'm dealing with much more anxiety than last time, for some reason I've become deathly afraid that I have cancer. I just had a mammogram in Feb and an u/s that looked at my ovaries and I have no major stomach issues, so I've decided it's lymphoma or leukemia and have been obsessively checking my blood work results against Google. I literally have to have H hug me and reassure me that everything is okay constantly. My health is okay. This happened to me after my aunt died of breast cancer at 55 a few years ago. I was convinced I had cancer and it took a few months to feel normal, it did go away eventually, but it's scary and intense. 

I got a few referals for mental health counseling/medication from my health care systems prenatal/postnatal depression hotline. I'm going to start working on getting in to someone who specializes in what I'm going through. I really do not want to go back to work Monday. I just don't know how anyone could expect anything from me with my brain where it is. But maybe if I go back to work, I will be distracted? It's so hard!

RiverSong15

Hugs @chloe97. It's so funny you would mention a fear of cancer. I couldn't look at the ultrasound yesterday when they were looking at my ovaries because I kept thinking I have cancer. And one of my fears prior to the saline sonogram was that they'd find endometrial cancer. Not logical, and I needed H to talk me down too. For me, stress always manifests as health anxiety. Couple that with our two losses, and I'm convinced the universe will throw more crappy stuff at us.

Work was a welcome distraction for me, but I have had trouble meeting deadlines because how how down I am all the time. Work doesn't know about the MCs, so I haven't been able to ask for a lighter load. Could you maybe ask for lighter workload? Hugs lady. 

Glitter

@BrightenMySky wow, that would send me into crazy mode. Like others i also received some things from my insurance congratulating me, sending a check list and things like that. I also had a bad run in at my family practice, the nurse didnt even read my file. She was going through my meds and i said oh i dont need the prenatal anymore, so she gave me the why you need prenatals speech, i was like ummm im not pregnant anymore you moron. Like wth. Ppl amaze me. But I love that you sent it back, thats so great.

 @RiverSong15  yeah the speculum is always horrible to me. I dread exams, I have always felt pain/pressure and its really not fun. Im glad all in all it was tolerable. Sorry for tmi but at my ob whenever they do vaginal ultrasounds she lets me insert it myself. I truly appreciate this. My other ob office would just shove it in there and i was like omg hold on you crazy person lol. It sounds weird but I swear i felt better doing it myself, and the tech said she thinks it makes us more comfortable, i agree. The catheter sounds scary but i do think id like it done.