How do I keep my pregnancy news from other friends dealing with infertility when asked point blank?

NenaMommy

We want to announce our pregnancy to our parents first. But we don't think they would be able to emotionally handle a loss, so we are waiting until we have passed the first trimester.  At that point we'll tell them, and after screening tests come back, we'll tell other friends and family.  But, there are two people who know in detail what we've been going through with fertility treatment (specifics of trying ovarian stimulation for a few cycles, then IUI, that I wasn't a candidate for IVF, etc..). One is local, and either she's figured it out, or I've been vague enough to ward off more questions.  The other friend is not local, and she'll be coming into town next week.  She's not staying with us, but we'll meet up and out of concern and care she'll want to know in detail how everything is going.  She asks often through e-mail/msg, etc..  And in her last message told me she dreamt I was 3-5 months pregnant! I replied "let's hope your dreams come true!".  How can I manage this situation? Is flat out lying my only choice? She has dealt with infertility herself for years, is in her mid-to-late forties so unlikely to conceive.  I want to handle this very carefully.  Telling her is absolutely not an option.  Despite the best intentions, I don't think she could keep it to herself. And I don't think it's fair for other people to know before my own mother does.

In general, I'm also already thinking of how I'll tell those in our lives who are or have struggled with infertility.  Because of our age group (me 40 - DH 45), we know many.

Thanks!

riveridgional

If you don't want to tell her, you can just try to be vague and making it seem as though you are on a break by saying that right now tou and DH are just enjoying not taking any medication or going to frequent doctor visits. Then, just redirect the conversation to how she's doing and what she's going through. Implying I was enjoying my "break" was what I was planning to tell people, but we caved and told everyone really early. It did help stave off telling my mother in law and my husband's side of the family until we could tell them in person.

If you decide you want to tell her, I would just try to think of how you would want someone to tell you. Maybe throw in at the end that you understand if she may need to distance herself and that she should know you are there for her whenever she needs to talk and you're rooting so hard for her! For me personally, when I found out someone else struggling with IF got their BFP, I was truly ecstatic for them and it gave me a lot of hope. Not everyone will react the same way, and it really could go either way. 

Congrats and good luck!

DSTtots4lyfe

I would suggest to be honest and say that you are at a place you just aren't comfortable talking about and not discuss it further. It could mean anything, pregnancy, loss, new Dx, transitioning to new procedure/care provider. That way you're not leaving them with a false impression or implying they can't now, just that you aren't able to share right now.

NenaMommy

Thank you!

NenaMommy

I'm happy to report back that my local friend never asked again. When I finally told her a while later, she said she had been "wondering", but wasn't sure and figured that with something so delicate (fertility treatment), it's best to wait for the other person to volunteer information. How awesome is that?

With the out of town friend, as it turned out, we couldn't meet up, and I e-mailed her before we did our public FB announcement (again - much later than my OP here).

Thanks again for the advice ladies.  I hope your pregnancies are going very well.

Cheers