pregnant coworker

lilmissslp

In the almost 3 years that we have been TTC I have seen many pregnancy announcements; however, this one is hitting me particularly hard. A coworker at the elementary school I work with and I went out last summer with a mutual friend for drinks and somehow kids came up and I shared that our journey hadn't been easy. Well when she didn't get pregnant right away, we started to talk more and more. I referred her to the OBGYN practice that I went to and she started to see a different dr. She was on clomid for 5 months then they found out there were some problems with her husband's sperm so they put him on clomid as well. Just 2 weeks ago she came to me really disappointed and said they met with her OB and he said that the next step would be IVF. So I referred her to my specialist. Well a couple days later she came to me and told me she was pregnant. I think half of it was just that I was so in shock. I am genuinely happy for her but it has been really hard on me. I thought I had someone to go through all this with. I'm also so jealous that it only took them a year and clomid to get their BFP. I know I'm being jealous and bitter but I just don't know how to move past it. I find myself avoiding her a little because I'm not ready to hear about it and I know I'll have a really hard time when she starts showing. How have you all coped with pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement and pregnant coworkers? Please no judgement...I know that I shouldn't feel this way but just can't seem to shake it.

2legbaby

I have two co-workers who just had their babies and one who is due in July....I can't say there is anything that makes it easier seeing them walk around with their big, swollen bellies except for reminding myself that one day it will be me and I will want everyone to be happy for me. One of the coworkers had a hard time conceiving her third, she is 41 I think, and when she started to have trouble my best friend suggested that I talk with her since we were going through the same thing....I hesitated because I was afraid of exactly what you had happen, and that I would be left in the land of the infertile while she went on to have her third child....I am so sorry for the shock and loss of a confidant. Hugs!

msirni0

It is really really hard. My sister told me something when I was having one of those tough TTC days that I hold to heart. I was feeling very sad and sorry for myself, and jealous of others who haven't had as hard of a journey as I have. I kept apologizing for how I was feeling and I felt extremely guilty. She told me to never apologize for how you are feeling. There is a reason for how you're feeling, and it doesn't need to be justified--it just is. Process the feeling without having an opinion of it so that you can then move on from it. So be kind to yourself. Also, be honest with your coworker. I would think that since she has had some trouble, she will understand if you tell her that while you are so happy for her, that you are having a little bit of trouble processing it from your end. If you need a little space until you can bring yourself to terms with it, then you need to take the space and I hope that she would understand.

lilmissslp

Thank you ladies! I feel better knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way. So glad I have 21 days left before summer vacation and I can have a break from the situation.I appreciate your advice.

Tulips29

It's hard to go through something like that. But I agree that you have every right to feel the way you do. You jealousy is not coming from a bad place, we all feel the same deep down. We want the same for ourselves and it's hard when we're surrounded by pregnant women who don't have the difficulties we do. I have 7 pregnant women at work and I handle all maternity leaves so I had to have the talk with each one them and each time I kept thinking when will it finally be me getting this talk. When I decided to confide in my best friend and tell her everything we were going through with fertility treatments, she told me she's pregnant with baby #2 same day. It was like a punch in the gut. Now she's almost at her due date and I'm still struggling. I think all we can do is hope for the best and that one day it will be us sharing those happy news with others. Hang in there, we're here for you! 

wifeinraleigh28

Ugh, I'm sorry and I totally understand how you feel.  I feel the same way when people announce their pregnancies and I feel like a horrible person for being so bitter.  I do find, however, that once the initial shock of it wears off, I start to feel so much better.  My advice is really just to give it time.  Once her pregnancy becomes "old news," hopefully you'll start to feel a bit better about it.  *hugs*

Stepmomttcmy1

Your feelings are your feelings and you shouldn't apologize for them. While I don't have any pregnant co workers(thank goodness), one of my Dh's co worker's wives just gave birth yesterday. It only hurts so much because they found out she was pregnant 1 week after my final failed IUI. I managed to only see her a few times and each time I cried after. I opted to not go to her baby shower since I don't really know her that well and my dh was annoyed I was "holding it against her that I wasn't pregnant". I had to be really honest with myself while working through my emotions and help my husband understand I was trying to protect myself from a situation I know I wouldn't handle well. It is something I need to deal with but until I know what my next steps are in my IF journey I need to take care of me.
  I am happy for them and they will be great parents. I just need to process my feelings in my own time and take care of me.
  Good luck. Feel how you feel and don't feel bad about it.

fivetimesnoluck

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're totally allowed to have these feelings. It's natural... And I agree with @wifeinraleigh28 that in my experience, the rub seems to ease with time. 

I also agree with the PP who suggested being honest with your friend about it being hard. She should understand and allow you whatever space you need. 

My coworker just delivered yesterday and she had announced her pregnancy in November while I was out for my last mc. It was hard to come back and learn that. And though we aren't super close, when the time was right I opened up to her about my trouble with RPL. Come to find out she was struggling with the diagnosis of cleft lip and we actually ended up comforting each other over the last few months. 

I hope you'll find peace, but until then feel all the things and allow yourself the room to do so without guilt. Big hugs. 

KLake42

It's okay to feel jealous.  It doesn't mean that you're not happy for her.  You can be happy for her, AND also feel entirely pissed off and jealous that it's not you.  We are complex creatures, and can feel a lot of things at once!  And it's normal to be bitter.

Embrace it.  Avoid her some if you can.  And most of all, don't feel guilty-- that will only make your feelings stronger. 

As you move through the feelings, you will probably feel them ease up some.  But there's no need to feel guilty.

Mike&Brandi

I will be honest. I know someone who struggled to get pregnant for 5 years. She finally did get pregnant and I couldn't help but still have jealousy. You feel like an awful person, but I've tried to learn when you're going through something like this it's normal. 

lilmissslp

Just as an update, she came to me the other day and is going through a miscarriage. The whole situation is awful 

BrightenMySky

That's very hard, I'm sorry.  I'll also add that I have found relating to friends IRL who have had IF issues and losses somewhat challenging.  While we go through a lot of the same things, our journeys are so different, that I am really sensitive to friends who assume that I must be feeling how they felt or how they think I feel.  In any case, please take care of yourself, especially if you are going to be supporting her as she goes through this loss.  Hugs.  

lilmissslp

Thank you @BrightenMySky. Everyone's journey is so different so it can be hard to relate at times. It is somewhat hard to support her because my grief and loss is in a different sense. 

lady_grey

I'm sorry @lilmissslp; that is a difficult situation.  I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes!!  

I have a friend at work who I previously sort of commiserated with (we talked about how its hard when you're trying and everyone around you gets pregnant), so I knew she was trying but she was definitely more at the beginning of her road (like ttc for 6mo).  Now I think she is pregnant (I sort of thought I saw a baby bump).  Ever since, I've totally been avoiding her.  I don't want her to tell me.  I just want to pretend its not happening.  Haha this is clearly not a healthy way of dealing with it but it's where i'm at!  

I like what everyone else said about not making yourself feel guilty for feeling that way... it is what it is.  You're allowed to be sad or jealous or resentful and not want to be around them for a bit.  

lilmissslp

@lady_grey I totally avoided my coworker too lol. It just felt easier to me. Every time I saw her, that's all I could think about. I'm sorry you may be in a similar situation. I hope you you find yourself pregnant soon!

lady_grey

Thank you @lilmissslp, I hope the same for you! 

BuzzBrad

I have totally avoided friends and co-workers while they were pregnant. Though I was incredibly happy for them emotionally I could not handle seeing or hanging out with them. At one point I deleted my Facebook account as it seemed like all I was seeing was baby announcements and happy couple conceiving left and right. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself and take a step back from it constantly being your face. I hope you get your BFP very soon!!!

lilmissslp

Thank you @BuzzBrad! I've deleted my FB account before and am thinking about doing it again. It seems daily that there is a pregnancy announcement. 

lablover78

I didn't delete my account because of my work page but I took it off my phone and don't go on the feed and it helped me for sure... I still get email notifications if someone tags me and I just click the link and go directly to the post. Thst way I'm not totally out of the loop Dealing with my emotions about other people's pregnancies has been one of my least favorite parts of this journey. However, with the help of a therapist I realized that I was feeling shame & guilt for having those feelings and it was making everything worse. Like others have said....it's ok and allow yourself to feel the feelings so they don't build up inside. GL!

zigzag8412

My husband always reminds me that the golden rule goes two ways.  "Treat others how you want to be treated" but also "Treat yourself how you treat others."  This is hard for me sometimes as I'm so much more likely to extend grace to others and be hard on myself.  Feelings are what they are and you can't judge yourself for them just like you shouldn't let them affect your judgement.  

I have a coworker who got pregnant on accident after DH and I had been trying for 8 months.  She was *not* happy about it.  It's hard working 10 feet away from her, but I've seen what bitterness does on the other end. Another friend who struggled ttc wouldn't come to get-togethers if a pregnant woman or woman with a baby was there. She wouldn't let you talk about it. She would just lament her path.  Now that she's pregnant, she won't shut up and so many of her friends have pulled away from her because of her hypocrisy.  I'm determined not to be that way.  So I work to validate my feelings myself or maybe with my husband or closest friend, then continue living, happy for those who have achieved what I desire.  One day I'll be there and I'll want people to be happy for me.  I try to be careful not to let my struggles steal others joys.  They deserve to be happy.  And so do I.  A quote I found recently that I love: "You're allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously."  Good luck friend!

Angelic789

Hi, ladies! I definitely can relate to being jealous with others pregnant. But thankfully it's the thing from the past now.
My dh and I were on fertility treatments for years before we finally got our baby boy. (It happened 18 May, DE IVF, shot#3, Ukrainian clinic Biotexcom). I was told I'd never have children at all... (And then after years we did it!) So I just used to hate all these women/girls who had tons of babies and didn't want them. I couldn't understand why they could have a baby and I who wanted one so badly couldn't get pregnant. I hated being around pregnant friends and those with children because it was unbearable. One of my sister in law has had 2 children since I was passing treatment options. And my nurse that was helping me with my fertility treatment and 2 of my friends were pregnant too!! I feel so uncomfortable now I used to be so...
Now I am grateful for my beautiful baby and wish very sticky baby dust to all you, lovely women. I hope with all my heart that you'll get your precious babies too!

GirlTraveler

Hi, I'm new here. 
I think you're absolutely entitled to those feelings, and shouldn't let anyone tell you that you aren't. 
I find myself on the opposite end of things, kinda. A woman I work with goes to the same clinic I do. We work in different divisions at work, but ran into each other there... otherwise, would've never known. We're Infertility Buddies now.  She's been at this a year longer than I have, and though I've never had a BFP, I find myself having nightmares about conceiving before she does. She's wonderful and would be elated for me if it happened, but I know she'd be sobbing on the inside. It's ridiculous how much I worry about it, especially since no BFP yet, but maybe normal? I just want her to have success so badly, and feel like it's her "turn" first. 
The mind is a goofy thing, I guess.