Need Support with Mother's Day Coming Up.....Possible Trigger

MrsFL2015

Is anyone else dreading Mother's Day?  We're grouped into "teams" at work and today the conversation turned to what everyone was planning to do on Mother's Day with their children and families.   It made me dread the day.  My mom lives in another state and DH's mom passed away several years ago.  We don't have any plans with family or anything.  I know last year I was so sad.   

I think the concept of Mother's Day is awesome and I'm sending my mom a great gift; however, it's just an awkward day  I don't even like to leave the house because it seems like every year I get bombarded with questions and comments about being a mom or my plans to become one.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive about the day?   How do you plan to cope with the day?  

virginiaham

MrsFL2015 said:

Is anyone else dreading Mother's Day?  We're grouped into "teams" at work and today the conversation turned to what everyone was planning to do on Mother's Day with their children and families.   It made me dread the day.  My mom lives in another state and DH's mom passed away several years ago.  We don't have any plans with family or anything.  I know last year I was so sad, especially when I went to the grocery store and they were giving away flowers to mothers.  The cashier (a woman) handed me one and asked if I was a mother.  Of course, I stood their awkwardly with the flower saying "no".   

I think the concept of Mother's Day is awesome and I'm sending my mom a great gift; however, it's just an awkward day  I don't even like to leave the house because it seems like every year I get bombarded with questions and comments about being a mom or my plans to become one.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive about the day?   Maybe I feel this way because I feel like being a mom isn't going to happen for me.   

Just wanted to say, you aren't alone.  *eta I'm also dreading it.  I agree with you, I think the idea behind Mother's Day is beautiful, but there is a whole host of women and men (myself included) who in one way or another, have not had the experience with mothers or motherhood that they wanted:  **TWs here** whether longing for motherhood, TTC, IF, pregnancy or child loss, parent death, abusive relationships with a mother figure.  Not that you can compare any of those, but it's a painful day for a lot of people, and in general that tends to slip through the cracks except with those most mindful to it.  (& the ladies here are definitely mindful to it.)

LadyMillil

I'm dreading it. I thought I'd be pregnant last year on Mothers Day and to not only still be TTC, but also facing a several months break from IF treatment, combined with the fact that BSC sis has gotten pregnant and had a baby in the time I've been TTC and will be an insensitive AW about it makes me wish it didn't exist.

ChaoticWolf

No. Just... No. To this whole thread just no.

NurseMarie9

Yep...I am still trying to get pregnant, therefore I'm not a mother. I'm well aware that I don't get to celebrate the day in that way and it sucks.  Thanks for the reminder though. 

MrsFL2015

Sorry, I'm not trying to offend anyone.  I feel like I'm suppose to be happy for others on this day and I just can't.  Then, I feel guilty because I feel like I'm being bitter and negative when the day is suppose to be positive.  I hate the day so much I don't even plan to leave the house.  

I guess I'm just looking for support from others.  I don't discuss my TTC struggles with anyone in my real life (other than DH) and just needed to vent my feelings to someone....somewhere!  It's actually been bothering me for weeks but really hit me today.  Like I said, I don't have anyone to talk to about this outside of this forum.  I figured others could use some support too.  

I'll add a Trigger Warning to the title....sorry about that!   

NamelessAria

Needless to say I'm not looking forward to mother's day. **TW?** I don't know what would actually be worse: to have everyone act like it doesn't apply to me at all or to have people acknowledge that it sorta kinda does.

PepperAT

I wasn't thinking of that, but now that you mention it...

furbabymom2007

Yes, we we all want to be moms.  It's sad.  Let's all talk about how sad we are because that wil fix things. 

housewifehobbyist

There's definitely a twinge of sadness because I thought I'd have a baby or at least be pregnant by this Mother's Day, but it's nothing a little wine can't fix.  

izza2

MrsFL2015 said:

Is anyone else dreading Mother's Day?  We're grouped into "teams" at work and today the conversation turned to what everyone was planning to do on Mother's Day with their children and families.   It made me dread the day.  My mom lives in another state and DH's mom passed away several years ago.  We don't have any plans with family or anything.  I know last year I was so sad.   

I think the concept of Mother's Day is awesome and I'm sending my mom a great gift; however, it's just an awkward day  I don't even like to leave the house because it seems like every year I get bombarded with questions and comments about being a mom or my plans to become one.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive about the day?   How do you plan to cope with the day?  

TTC is hard, and if you've experienced a loss or IF or you've been TTC for quite a few months -- Mother's Day can be a tough go. A lot of us go in to TTC with the high-school-health-class thought that it'll be easy and within a month or two we'll be happily pregnant and ready to expand our family! And, unfortunately, it's just not the case for most women.

I personally do not have struggles with Mother's Day, because even being a step-mum, I still view it as my own mother's "holiday", just like I give a small gift to my husband on Father's Day - but it's still my father's "holiday". But, I can empathize where you're coming from, and while I can't say it will get better any time soon - I can say that if it's a tough day for you, then try to distract yourself and find something to take your mind off things. If you need to stay in, then stay in. Buy junk food and rent some movies and have a day to yourself.

On the other hand, if people still bombard you with questions, then you have every right to say that you're not comfortable discussing the topic.


ETA2: And adding a TW that it talks about loss, and obviously IF.
ETA: And this was shared elsewhere and I feel that everyone needs to read it and soak it in. It may not entirely apply in this case, but, it's a good thing to read regardless:
https://waitingforbabybird.com/2015/05/08/from-the-heart-of-an-infertile-a-letter-to-mamas-on-mothers-day/

MonaLisaRalphio

@izza2 that letter is lovely, but she lost me at the apostrophe in "mama's."

letyourheartbeyourguide

**TW loss mentioned**

@MrsFL2015 I'm also dreading Mother's Day. I have had two losses and it does bring to the forefront that I would either be celebrating it with a three month old or be 20 weeks pregnant by now, yet loss moms are generally overlooked on the holiday. And beyond loss/IF, I know Mother's Day can be a really complicated and painful holiday for many people. 

I haven't been posting here much lately, so I apologize if coping strategies for Mother's Day have already been discussed. If not, I do think it's useful to discuss both how to practice good self-care if you think the day will be triggering and also how to be supportive of loss moms and those facing IF (whether here or IRL). 

I plan on posting this on Facebook: "I'd like to wish a happy Mother's Day to all my friends celebrating with your children or your moms. I'd also like to send my love and support to all my friends struggling today - those of you who wish you could be celebrating with your mother but either time or distance or loss makes that impossible, those of you who are waiting and wishing more than anything to become mothers, and those of you who have lost children or pregnancies and who are so often overlooked on this holiday. I'll be thinking of you and I hope you are able to find some peace today."

skiingstark

.....TW MC.....

Yep, dreading it... my due date was May 18th.... so I should have been almost a mother by this point. Getting all excited and getting everything ready to go for my baby..... it is going to be hard.

Luckily I already have something planned to distract myself. I am going Larping for the weekend, so I will be out in the woods with other nerds killing monsters. Yeah! 

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

**TW Child in siggy**

I can only imagine what it feels like on Mothers' Day when you're struggling to conceive, but I do know what it feels like to have Fathers' Day come after your dad has died, or to go to weddings and see father/daughter dances that you never got to have.  So I guess you just find a way to cope and even distract yourself.  Do something to take your mind off the fact that people are celebrating a day or milestone you can't and lean on the people you can, whether it's a spouse, friend who might relate or even just the ladies on the Bump. 

Also I have to disagree with the sarcasm that talking will fix things.  Some people find that talking does fix things.  It's why support groups and the field of psychology even exist.  Just because it's something you don't want to do or feel you'd benefit from doesn't mean it's not of value to others. Everyone's life experience is different.

MrsBinPA

*TW Losses Mentioned**

I am beyond dreading it.  I should have a 6 month old & be celebrating my first real M-Day, or be in my third tri, or telling our family that we are expecting and actually almost out of the first tri.  The whole RPL thing is terrible.   

DH is feeling bummed too and has managed to convince the families that it's just too hard for me this year. I am very thankful for this.  I plan to stay home with my fur babies and get drunk on all the mimosas.  I probably won't be able to bear to look at Facebook for days either.

HLD3194

I have very mixed emotions as well. I have an almost 2 year old and am beyond grateful for her, but I should be half way with my #2 and obviously that didn't work out. I plan on staying away from all social media that day and just enjoying my time with my DD. It's hard not to dwell on what could of been or what should be. My H works Sunday too so I'll need to find lots to do to stay busy and distracted. I think the weather is suppose to be nice so maybe a nice long walk or lots of outside sun to brighten my spirits.  Good luck to everyone and let me know if you have any other ideas for staying busy. I mean I guess I could always do laundry or clean the house

kiki75

I'm more concerned about my mom facing the 10th Mother's Day without her mom and only one out of the three of us kids will be home for it. I live hundreds of miles away, H will be gone, and I'll be spending the day treating myself. Fancy lunch for one? Yes, please! Movie? If I feel like it. Manicure? Maybe so. Netflix watchathon? Perhaps. Depends on what I feel like. 

For all of you,

KristoKekerooni

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

virginiaham

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

**TW** After an early loss I don't count, then, I guess.  I'll try to remember that on Sunday.

[Deleted User]

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

Daaaaaamn that was cold.

I will humbly assert that people can feel whatever feelings that are true to them.  I think any woman who wants to be a mother but struggles to get pregnant for however long it might be can feel however she wants to feel about it.

I think it's weird to tell someone there is a certain timeline they need to follow for sadness.

"well it's the 10 month mark, I guess I'm allowed to cry about this now".

Heck I have only tried for one cycle and I felt sad when I saw a negative test.  Would I be more sad in 9 more months?  Yeah probably.  But that doesn't mean I CAN'T be sad about it right now too.  Telling a woman how she should be feeling about not being able to conceive rubs me the wrong way.

It's also strange that you're telling OP to chill - she doesn't seem that worked up to me.  

ETA:  Also, I think talking about it DOES help.  That's why therapy is a thing.  I think enough people have chimed in that they also aren't excited about the day either so it's not exactly an unpopular opinion.  It's worth talking about.  It's worth discussing how we can stop ourselves from wallowing away in depression and instead give ourselves some self love and support ourselves, our SOs, and each other.

LadyMillil

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

Glad we're now having the pain Olympics and that our feelings don't matter. Do I think the unedited OP was a little overly dramatic? Yes. Are OP's feelings valid? Yes. Since when did empathy become a lost art?

mylove071407

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

Damn that was cold.   I work in mental health and everyone is entitled to feel the way they want.  No feeling is right or wrong.  
ETA:  Who knows about IF/Pregnancy loss week other than people who have actually experienced it?  It wasn't anything I knew about until I started TTC...This post annoys me on so many levels.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

And TTGP isn't all about YOU. There's no reason to invalidate people's feelings. If you don't like the post or her making it, you can quietly exit.  How about a little empathy?

ReesaAnne16

I think mother's day can be hard for any number of reasons.
For years, mother's day was hard for me because I was longing to be a mother and DH wasn't ready for kids yet. This year, mother's day will be hard because we HAVE been TTC for year unsuccessfully.

Rather than dwelling on those things, I'm going to choose to celebrate my own mom. I'm SO blessed to have my mom in my life still, even after 2 rounds of cancer tried to take her from us 12 years ago. 

And this year, I know mother's day will be especially hard on her; she lost her mom this year  
My effort and energy this year will be poured into supporting my mom through her loss, and celebrating our relationship, instead of throwing a pity party for myself. 

nlwz123

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

What an incredibly insensitive thing for you to say.  Can you please explain to the rest of us why someone is not allowed to be upset when they are trying to conceive, so far have not succeeded and it's mother's day (or any other day for that matter)?  No one is "taking over mother's day."  Good lord.  Also, since when do you have to be TTC for 'X' amount of months for it to be 'so painful?'  

Also, "let the mommies shine.  It's their time. Not yours."  HELLO, that's the whole point.

Spartanrd4

**TW** I have similar feelings because of my recent loss and that I should of been 19 weeks pregnant on that day. Some things/days are just triggering and you should be able to feel any way you want- we are all human after all. I am not throwing myself a pity party, this TTC journey can be a hard road for all of us but talking it out like this has definitely helped me in so many ways. No one should be afraid to put their feelings out there in fear people will knock them down. Very rude @kristoB. 

izza2

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

Are you freaking kidding me?

I have a lot of choice words that I would like to use, but I'm so far done with how some of the people have chosen to respond to this thread, and this is the icing on the cake -- all I'm going to say, is that you need to get over yourself.
To tell someone with a loss that mother's day is not about them. Get a clue. If you don't feel that way, fine. But don't tell loss-moms that they can't mourn their loss on a day they should be celebrating with their baby in their arms or in their womb. Don't tell someone who's been TTC for however long; whether it be 9 months or 9 years, that they can't feel sad that they're not a mother yet. We all handle things differently. But don't be a bitch because you don't agree with how hard a holiday affects someone.

MonaLisaRalphio

KristoB said:

I just wanted to say what I am thinking OP. Mother's day isn't about you. Sorry. It's not. Yes, I know it's sad because you want to be a mommy. Well, all of us do. I get that it can kind of rub you the wrong way since it's a painful reminder. Trust me, I get it. But come on. It's not about you. It's about honoring mothers. There is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. Let the mommies shine. It's their time. Not yours. 
I might add, based on your profile, you haven't even been trying for very long. I know it's a tough road, but really, you haven't been trying long enough for it to be so painful you can't leave the house. Maybe if you've been trying for several years like some of us. 7 years like my sister. Or if you've had miscarriages like some of us and struggle to decide whether you count as a "mother." 
Just, chill OP. this isn't about you. 

Yikes, @KristoB, you know I love you, but I think this goes too far.  Any time something turns into the Pain Olympics, that's a clue that things have gotten out of hand.  I might humbly suggest that you perhaps have stronger feelings about this subject than you think.  You've been through a lot, and it really sucks, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, but your struggle as to whether you "count" as a mother doesn't have any bearing on whether another woman "counts," whether she's struggling, or whether she should be allowed to struggle.

KristoKekerooni

Well clearly ya'll didn't read what I wrote. I never said she could feel what she feels I also never said you shouldn't feel a loss. I never said that early pregnancy loss doesn't make you a mother. 
I wasn't being cold. I am stating that it's about moms. Everyone gets all upset when people get excited about mother's and I think that's wrong. I'm saying there is a time when people in this boat are recognized so the idea about being swept to the side and forgotten isn't really true. 
I'm not saying you have to have an IF diagnoses or have been trying forever to feel sad. You can feel sad about it taking a month or whatever. That's valid, I think it 's just a little early to start complaining and moping about it. That's my opinion. I am not being cold. I know it sucks that there isn't a baby in the picture.
I am certainly not saying anything about loss mom's not being moms. Not. At. All. I've had three. I'm not being insensitive, what I was saying is that it's hard to feel like a mother when you don't have a baby to hold. I struggled (and still do) with whether it's right or not to label myself as a "mother."
I'm giving my opinion like the OP asked. it doesn't have to be the same as yours, but I stand by it. Feel what you want, think what you want, talk about what you want. This was a discussion and I added my input. I wasn't attacking anyone or intending to be hurtful. 

KristoKekerooni

I feel like need to clarify, because I feel really bad at how this all came out. I was in a rush because I was leaving for lunch, and it all got way compounded because I wasn't able to respond after the first person responded because I was out. 
I really am not trying to invalidate anyone's feelings. At all. I just wanted to give an honest outlook on my feelings-that I think sometimes people make it out to be too big of a deal. I wasn't trying to make it look like anyone's pain is more than another's. I really wasn't. It all came out super wrong and I can see how it was read and the way you guys taken it. It's so much more out of hand now because I feel a bit defensive. 
I really didn't mean to sound insensitive, I really do care about people and I care that so many wonderful women have struggled and I get how it's a trigger. I just hate how moms feel obligated to tiptoe around feelings or downplay the day. Being a mom is tough, I am sure. They deserve this day 100%. 
So again, super sorry at the way it all came out. I really didn't mean for it to come out the way it sounded. 

[Deleted User]

KristoB said:

Well clearly ya'll didn't read what I wrote. I never said she could feel what she feels I also never said you shouldn't feel a loss. I never said that early pregnancy loss doesn't make you a mother. 
I wasn't being cold. I am stating that it's about moms. Everyone gets all upset when people get excited about mother's and I think that's wrong. I'm saying there is a time when people in this boat are recognized so the idea about being swept to the side and forgotten isn't really true. 
I'm not saying you have to have an IF diagnoses or have been trying forever to feel sad. You can feel sad about it taking a month or whatever. That's valid, I think it 's just a little early to start complaining and moping about it. That's my opinion. I am not being cold. I know it sucks that there isn't a baby in the picture.
I am certainly not saying anything about loss mom's not being moms. Not. At. All. I've had three. I'm not being insensitive, what I was saying is that it's hard to feel like a mother when you don't have a baby to hold. I struggled (and still do) with whether it's right or not to label myself as a "mother."
I'm giving my opinion like the OP asked. it doesn't have to be the same as yours, but I stand by it. Feel what you want, think what you want, talk about what you want. This was a discussion and I added my input. I wasn't attacking anyone or intending to be hurtful. 

1) I mean you definitely did try to tell OP that she wasn't trying long enough to be sad about it yet.  So I don't know why you are now denying that.

2) I don't think that's what this thread was about at all.

3) See, you did it again.  You basically just said she shouldn't voice her emotions or feelings - suggesting that what she is feeling isn't valid.  

4) Except that when many people say that post of yours is cold... maybe it is.

MelissaM090

@KristoB I think I know what you're saying, even though your delivery may have come out harsher than intended.

This is the first Mother's Day since I've been TTC. I was hoping to be pregnant at this time, and back in February / March I had this whole cute plan of buying 'Grandma' Mother's Day cards for both my mom and DH's mom and announcing it that way. That's not happening and I'm disappointed by that.

All I can do THIS year is hope that next year is different for me, but instead of focusing on my disappointment, I'm going to focus on MY mom and how awesome she is and have a great day with her. I know it's harder for people who don't have a great relationship with their own mom, but maybe focus your attention on another strong mother in your life? Grandmother's, aunts, sisters, friends, etc. Fingers crossed it'll all be our turn to be honoured soon enough.

Edited - I made it sound like I was already pregnant when I meant to say 'TTC'. Freudian slip?

[Deleted User]

KristoB said:

I feel like need to clarify, because I feel really bad at how this all came out. I was in a rush because I was leaving for lunch, and it all got way compounded because I wasn't able to respond after the first person responded because I was out. 
I really am not trying to invalidate anyone's feelings. At all. I just wanted to give an honest outlook on my feelings-that I think sometimes people make it out to be too big of a deal. I wasn't trying to make it look like anyone's pain is more than another's. I really wasn't. It all came out super wrong and I can see how it was read and the way you guys taken it. It's so much more out of hand now because I feel a bit defensive. 
I really didn't mean to sound insensitive, I really do care about people and I care that so many wonderful women have struggled and I get how it's a trigger. I just hate how moms feel obligated to tiptoe around feelings or downplay the day. Being a mom is tough, I am sure. They deserve this day 100%. 
So again, super sorry at the way it all came out. I really didn't mean for it to come out the way it sounded. 

No one here ever suggested that moms do not deserve this day, or that moms should tiptoe around anything.  

I really perceived this thread more like "Hey this makes me sad.  What can we do to make this feel less shitty?"

cabu14

Just here to say mothers day bothers me for an entirely different reason.. So I hadn't thought about it this way.  It wont really get me down while ttc I don't think.

I want to add that this is not a contest.. I have not been trying for very long and am hurt and feel that some people veiw me as less than because of this. I have a hard time sharing about days that are hard ttc because I get the impression that I will get a similar reaction this person did.  Maybe I will feel differently a year down the road but it is all relative to what I know right now.  I have had tragedy in my life just like everyone else here. It's just different.  I will not feel sorry for being sad about a bfn no matter what day it is no matter what cycle or month. . I cannot help feeling that way. I'm human and by nature I'm going to have bad days.  Wether or not they stack up to your bad days has nothing to do with it. 

[Deleted User]

cabu14 said:

Just here to say mothers day bothers me for an entirely different reason.. So I hadn't thought about it this way.  It wont really get me down while ttc I don't think.

I want to add that this is not a contest.. I have not been trying for very long and am hurt and feel that some people veiw me as less than because of this. I have a hard time sharing about days that are hard ttc because I get the impression that I will get a similar reaction this person did.  Maybe I will feel differently a year down the road but it is all relative to what I know right now.  I have had tragedy in my life just like everyone else here. It's just different.  I will not feel sorry for being sad about a bfn no matter what day it is no matter what cycle or month. . I cannot help feeling that way. I'm human and by nature I'm going to have bad days.  Wether or not they stack up to your bad days has nothing to do with it. 

I was talking to my sister yesterday and I was being pretty cautious about expressing how upset I was over my first BFN.  She was TTC for 2.5 years.  She told me to stop being so cautious - that any woman who wants to be pregnant and is not pregnant gets to be sad about it regardless of time spent trying.

It's not about competing for pain.  

gardeniagirlknits

*Tw all over the place*

@KristoB   once upon a time I was a very angry person.  Angry because of a cancer diagnosis.  Angry because my own parents were abusive alcoholics.  Angry because I was having to let go of my career so we could pick up and move across the country for DH's career.  Angry because everyone around me was Managing to get ku and have their babies AND celebrate their babies birthdays even...  All while I was STILL ttc. Angry angry angry.  So I invalidated the feelings of everyone around me and refused to support the people in my life that were enduring hard times because these were the PAIN OLYMPICS right?!  And they had no right to feel because there was no way they were as angry and sad as me!!!!!! Sound familiar?!!!!!  That period of my life?!  It didn't last too long...  Because I learned very quickly that doing this would result in feeling more alone that I already felt.  I realized I was causing pain to others.  So I apologized to those I hurt and now try to validate the feelings of others and encourage them to open up to me so I can support them,  no matter WHAT is making them sad.  Guess what?! It feels so much better.  I hope you learn this sooner rather than later.  We are all In this human experience together.  

Andplusalso  Focusing on the mothers in your life is a healthy coping mechanism for a day that might be hard for you... But WHO ARE YOU  to judge others for coping in a different,  also healthy, way?! It is perfectly healthy to spend the day acknowledging loss,  whether it be loss Of a dream, fetus, Baby,  child or mother. It is perfectly healthy to spend a tough/triggering day reaching out for support and sharing ideas for self care.

  I hope that one day,  someone who has experienced pain "more"  (whatever that means)  than you have,  validates your feelings,  regardless of how "silly" (no such thing),  and lifts you up.  I hope that experience brings your full circle and you realize what it means to have compassion.  

ChaoticWolf

See this is why I said no. But ya'll didn't listen.



Now after trying to contain it all day, I'm officially tearing up at my desk. 

houseofsetters

I tried to, and should have, avoided this thread (hellooo, TW!), but since I'm here now, I'll respond to OP.

I'm with @virginiaham that Mother's Day can be difficult for many people for many reasons. I think it's healthy to acknowledge that and cope in whatever way is healthiest for you.

I've been dealing with TTC related depression, so I've been trying really hard to not linger too long in negativity because it really, really gets me down. And Mother's Day this year has had me in a funk. So, my plan for Sunday is for H and I to skip church, go out to breakfast, and then wander around some antique stores and generally do whatever we want, just the two of us. I'm actually pretty excited about some quality time with H, and a little R&R.

I'll be thinking of all of you this weekend!! 

kiki75

@PaukMeKiande Sorry this thread has got you down. 

Sorry to everyone who is grappling with Mother's Day in one way or another. For those who had crappy moms, for those who lost theirs, for those who will be away from their moms, and for those who hoped to be gestating at this point, or to be holding children they will not be able to hold. 

Everyone is entitled to have a spectrum of feelings about holidays such as this one. It's definitely a triggering day for a lot of people in a lot of ways. The only thing that people aren't entitled to is to using their feelings and experiences as an excuse to invalidate others or to make them feel bad. Example: Leaning on your partner and friends for support is good. Being rude to people who got pregnant on accident is not good.

This is a time to be empathetic and kind both to yourself and to others. 
. 

FiancB

KristoB said:

here is a whole week (month?) dedicated to IF/pregnancy loss. So we do have a time of recognition. to take over Mother's day with moping is kinda wrong. 

Yeah and that week is totally full of fun cards, brunch, gifts and nice phone calls from people you love and everybody in the country knows exactly when it is and acknowledges it. 

Sometimes a poster will compare their issues with something ridiculous. Like when someone tries to rationalize a late period as being a CP or if someone compares disappointment with their baby's sex with loss, that absolutely is ridiculous and deserves a flaming, but nothing of that sort happened here. This kind of thing probably comes up here every year and that's fine. As shown in this thread, a lot of people have a hard time with it for a lot of different reasons. I've never loved it because I don't have a great relationship with my mom. 

*Previous/current pregnancy and loss mention*

While being pregnant at the moment helps, I still can't help but feel sad that this baby should be kicking the shit out of me at this point but instead it's an inch long and not out of the woods yet. Heck, even when TTA I couldn't help but be a bit bummed, because I didn't want to be TTA. 

I fully recognize that there are other people that go through much worse than me. While I've had a loss, there's others that have had later losses, multiple losses, or struggle with IF on top of it. Still, if I were ranting about it and someone came along and said I shouldn't be that upset because I only had one loss, well that would be ridiculous and I wouldn't take too kindly to it. 

There's been quite a bit of queen bee-itis around here lately. Not specifically from you, but from a number of "new regs". I'd encourage everyone to think about whether they're being reasonably snarky, or if they're being bitchy for the sake of being bitchy, or trying to out-bitch each other for love tits over even pretty reasonable posts from anyone that isn't well known. 'Cause I've been around for over a year and a lot of you are pretty dang fresh meat yourselves. It's always been snarky, some groups more so than others, but this business of flaming everyone who dares start a new thread for any reason is getting ridiculous. 

White knighting done,

*sig warning*