Marital issues since trying? anyone else

runner76

Since we started trying .. it will be two years in October  things have changed drastically. I mean we already had stress on us from family and financial issues but nothing prepared us for the stress of infertility. I had a miscarriage in Jan 15 and it just worse every day after that.. My h had issues performing which was so frustrating. Finally we found out I needed a tube blocked and now we are finally having our transfer in june.. but it has all put a toll on us. I gained 35 pounds which hasn't helped my self esteem or mood.  He is more distant. We are in counseling but we seem to be so angry at each other over every little thing now.  The other day he told me he thinks its because sex turned into making a baby and that was the one thing that made him feel close to me. I feel like trying just ruined everything..  why does sex have to play such a crucial role anyway? I mean if u take away sex and we are this way what does that say about us? ?

dragonfaerie

Unfortunately, marital conflict is a common side effect of infertility. You are taking the right steps going to counseling together, but it also may beneficial for both of you to see counselors separately. Physical contact is a huge love language for many people, and it can lose that sense of intimacy when it's all about making a baby. When your own self-esteem is suffering due to weight gain, it makes it even harder to be intimate. 
I would encourage you to look up the Five Love Languages book. If your DH feels that sex is his only real way of connecting with you, it may help to identify how you would like to be connected with and another way that he can feel loved.

ultratomato

I have had an experience but my brother has with your situation. They are in counseling and I think it's a good start to get back on track. Maybe take a break from all this and go on a vacation or do date nights. It's hard on both of you emotionally and physically. Hopefully you can work through this good Luck 

emgem819

@runner76 I'm sorry you are going through this right now.  I personally don't have the same situation but I listened to this podcast and found it helpful: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/beat-infertility/id999336048?mt=2&i=346834829.  It's about managing your relationship through infertility.  Maybe ask your dh to listen too?  I hope things get better.

Kp214

I am so sorry you are going through this, @runner76 .  DH and I recently had a long discussion on how our marriage has changed and realized the changes happened around the time we started ttc.  We also discussed some of the positive changes that occurred.  It's so difficult.  We are taking a break from ivf and want to use this time to build a stronger marriage while allowing some supplements to possibly have an effect.  I pray everything works out for you.

suchaglencoco

***children/loss mentioned***




I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're definitely not alone. We experienced a loss and then struggled to get pregnant again on our own. We eventually turned to ivf and suffered a twin loss. It was hell on our marriage. We saw a counselor for a while to really try and understand where the other was coming from and it helped us fully open up about our true feelings of hurt and resentment. It helped immensely, so I think you're doing the right thing.
After our twin loss, I physically and medically needed to take a break for my body to reset. For those months, we did not mention trying to get pregnant. We just went back to being a couple and it was amazing. We went on dates, flirted a lot and finally, had sex for fun! By the time our FET came around, we were a strong couple again. I did my medications, we knew our schedule, and that's all we really discussed. We wanted it to be a more calm, less stressful transfer to keep the pressure off. 
We were very blessed and ended up getting pregnant with both embryos, who are now 5 months old. I think the break was a good thing for my body and my mind. It allowed me to refocus and allowed us to really see each other again.
I wish you lots of luck! 

runner76

@emgem819 thank u for the podcasts   we listened,, I think he could understand more how I am feeling.. ty

dadezbombz

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this right now. It is not easy to be married, nevermind the added stress of infertility and the treatments, appointments, etc. I sometimes think that taking a break from the baby making process is healthy for your mind- and body. I am not suggesting you do so, however it could help. Just to rekindle your love for eachother. It is not like you don't love eachother (doesn't sound like it!) I really hope all goes well with you .

Griffin5413

runner76 - I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. I think anyone going through infertility can relate on some level because there is so much that we all deal with. Hoping you and DH can find a way to focus on what you really love about each other and why you started this process in the first place. It sounds like that podcast helped shed some light for him and hopefully things will get better!

emgem819

@runner76 glad to hear they helped!  I listened with my DH and I think it helped him understand as well.