Significant other

HowlCircus

Hey there I had an early miscarriage at the end of January and wasn't able to share until now. I was an emotional train wreck after it happened.My boyfriend who isn't one to share his feelings hasn't talked much about it unless I pry or forcefully bring it up. When I told him I was pregnant he was so excited! When we walked out of our house to leave for my fathers birthday dinner after I told him we saw our neighbor. She asked how our night was and he immediately replied "Great! We just found out Natalie's pregnant!!!" Which of course my jaw dropped because I didn't want to tell anyone until after an ultrasound. He also begged me to be able to tell his close friends until I gave in. He said he was too excited and had to tell someone. We had been trying but my friends and family didn't know that. We're unmarried so we weren't exactly announcing it wasn't an accident. I woke up spotting one morning. I got him out of bed and he calmed me down. I called my obgyn explained and she wanted me to come in immediately and seemed worried. I went into crying mode and called my mother to tell her what was going on. She came to the house and the 3 of us went to the doctors. During the ultrasound they saw nothing. My mom left the room and as I was putting my pants back on the bleeding got really bad. That's when he and I knew it wasn't going to be good news. They tested my blood anyways and confirmed that my levels were gone. After he was really good about helping around the house and hugging me a lot while I was crying on the couch. Once I had gotten out of the crying stage I asked him what he wanted to do. I had wanted to try again. I'm a Capricorn and I'm a very determined person. I wanted to focus all my energy on moving forward and trying to have a successful pregnancy. He said I think we should wait and that stuck in my like a knife to the stomach. I know he's scared of having to go through that again and seeing me like that. For me I felt lost and like he was giving up. After that he started coping with it poorly and some of our relationship issues we had moved past resurfaced. I became very sensitive. I can now cry at any baby image, pregnancy announcement, ect. I feel so determined to have a baby now and he doesn't want to. I feel like it's all I can think about now.


Has anyone had an issue with a significant other protesting trying again or even you feeling obsessed with getting pregnant again after your miscarriage?

Wishilivedinflorida

First, I wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. It's totally normal for you and SO to process grief differently. In fact, no two people will react the same way. In the grand scheme of things, especially grief, a month and half is not a long time to process a loss. You and SO may feel differently about TTC again now, but with time you will hopefully end up on the same page. The most important thing is to keep communicating and try to empathize with each other. What you are experiencing as a couple isn't abnormal by any means. However, you are saying that "past issues" are coming up. I'm not sure what these are, but I may suggest that you try to seek some relationship counseling or mentoring in order to help work through these issues and also your loss. If there are issues that need addressed, it would probably be beneficial to do so before TTC again. Hope this helps. *hugs*

HowlCircus

Thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to help. Communication is our biggest issue at this point. After everything he really shut down. We talked after I posted this. It was more me talking and him listening but I feel like it helped. He surprisingly is open to trying again. I told him I want him to focus on his communication issues before we try again. I don't want to have to go through this emotional roller coaster again if we ended up having another miscarriage. So I think we may end up going to counseling to smooth things back out. I guess you never expect to have to go through things like this. Hopefully in the end it will just make us a stronger couple.

BaylieGirl

I'm so sorry for your loss! Things have been tough for me with DH too. When we got pregnant we were "trying/not trying" and got surprisingly pregnant right away. DH was really supportive during the misscarrage. But now My baby fever kicked in and have no other desire than to get pregnant again ASAP. DH says he wants to too but when I tell him I'm in my fertile window or even talk about an OPK he freaks and isn't in the mood anymore. He's almost 40 and I feel like I'm having to explain the birds and the bees over and over to him every month. It makes me so frustrated bc if he really wanted to try again wouldn't he be giving it all he has, no pun intended. So I end up getting really passive aggressive and angry. I know I need to learn to work on my communication skills but find sometimes texting him TTC articles with snarky comments from the bedroom while he's watching the basketball on the couch are easier. I wish I had a guy friend that went through something like this and successfully had kids who could talk to him. Maybe he needs to hear from another dudes perspective?

HowlCircus

Thank you so much! I totally have severe baby fever after all of this. So I'm glad I'm not alone in that. I get angry about it too and say things like "well if you really had wanted one why all of a sudden do you not care". I think it's normal for us to be feeling frustrated. I feel like he really was upset and then felt like had to kind of hold it together for me so to speak. Now I think he's just hesitant to try again because he doesn't want to see me go through it this again. Which could be the case with your husband. I'm not sure how your husband is but maybe because of everything he's feeling like it lost the "fun" factor and now it's become somewhat of a stressful situation. I know when men are stressed it really effects their sex drive. I do agree it's hard when they don't know other men who have gone through this sort of a situation. In my case my boyfriend isn't one to seek help or talk to other men about what he's going through. Maybe if you like sending articles like I do try and find some positive ones from the male perspective on the subject. I'm such a pinterest addict I flood my boyfriend with articles on ways to eat healthy, improve your sperm, monitor my cycle, ect. haha. I feel like I kind of drove him a little crazy after I got out of my all day crying mode. I feel like once I'm more confident in his communication with me I'll make sure he is okay and trying again and then just monitor it by myself. I know he isn't a planner and I am so I'll have to be the one who monitors the window of baby making opportunity and when it's there be prepared with something cute to wear and hopefully get his mind back on the baby making track. I feel like calm communication is the most important thing so sharing how you feel is always very difficult but in the end it's the best thing you can do. Hope any of that helped. 

amberruka

@BaylieGirl right now my DH is exactly the same way. My hormone levels are better so we could, but he is terrified of doing anything until our first meeting with the endocrinologist....which unfortunately isn't until 5/27. I honestly don't think it was the loss as much, it just kills him to see me upset (as in the MC) and that is what he is freaking over. An exercise in patience, I suppose. Best of luck to you.

citygirl17

For me, this is what sucks the most about this whole experience.  DH and I were not trying / not preventing saying we'd be happy no matter what happens.  But as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I got on board right away.  Like, "of COURSE I want another baby!  Why was this even a question?"  This is making me want to really track cycles and try now as soon as we're cleared to.  DH says he'll do whatever I want to do, but I worry that he just is going along with what I want to make me happy.  It's sweet, but I want him to have an opinion too!

HowlCircus

Sorry you're here too @citygirl17. It's hard because your mind goes into immediate excitement and mommy mode then you have to deal with the pain of a loss. So I feel like our bodies and minds crave that nurturing aspect after. Also you really do want to have a baby. I agree though it's difficult because you want them to want it too. That's great that he's supportive with you. We as women I feel like want them to be as sure as we are though. 

fiorip

I'm sorry for what you're going through, what you describe sounds like a totally normal reaction for someone who is grieving. We all process it differently, give him time to heal and give yourself the time to regroup, get on the same page and try again.

Having baby fever can even affect conception, after my loss at 21 weeks I became obsessed with having another baby right away and I just wanted a child so much and I put so much pressure on  myself that I wasn't getting pregnant. I know it's a extremely hard thing to go through, let him mourn your child before trying again. 

HowlCircus

Thanks @fiorip I know I need to be patient for him and us but that's something I've always struggled with. I can be very persistent, determined, and impatient to the point I overwhelm people. I'm trying to focus my energy on something else to give it time but i still feel myself counting down. I need to get back into meditation before I drive my poor significant other crazy

nmd9168

I am so sorry for your loss. =( (my name is Natalie, too ) I guess my problem is that I am more the one who is really not into TTC, but my husband is. He's not obsessed but definitely is way more ready than I am and keeps discussing it with others. I'm giving myself time just because the experience was really traumatic for me. So your SO probably just needs some time too. I'm sure he'll be ready soon. Best of luck to you TTC. 

HowlCircus

Awh another Natalie! I don't come across them all that often. Yeah I think it effected him he just isn't opening up about it so it's been hard. Healing is really different for everyone. I'm sorry for your loss. Just remember to communicate with your husband why your hesitant but I think it's important to give each other hope. I know I needed from my SO other to say I'm not ready now but I'll come around or eventually. Hope you're doing well today @nmd9168