Irrational fear? TW...

MamaCoffin

So now that I've had test readings to lead to me to believe I might actually be in the game this month.... I'm freaking out. 

I've had the TWW before. This isn't my first rodeo. I know it's emotionally draining.... But this time around there's a new fear...

Actually getting two pink lines at the end of it. Obviously this is what we all want. This is why we are all here... But holy crap.... 

If the lines never turn pink I'll never run the risk again of hearing the words "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat".

Ugh. I'm sorry. I know this is heavy. But I'm genuinely struggling today. I know I'm not the only one. 

mylittleversailles

I'm so, so sorry. I'm not as far out as you, so I have no wisdom to share. I do know grief, though and the foggy, murky, terrifying place that follows. All I have are my deep, sincere condolences and a hope that once this moment passes you are able to feel safe and secure with your rainbow baby.

MamaCoffin

It's just weird. I want to have another baby. Desperately. But up to this point it's just been conversation. Preparation. Anticipation. Now that I have confirmed ovulation for the first time since my loss it's real. It's not just talk. This could actually happen. 

And whoa. Then what?

MamaCoffin

Another loss is obviously my biggest fear....  But I'll never get my rainbow baby if I don't try, right?

catiecatp

@jenmlangtake2 - I completely understand where you're coming from. I remember the first month we were TTC, before the MC happened, all of a sudden getting pregnant was a real possibility that had previously been hypothetical and in the future. I ovulated my first cycle - but things were and are strange relative to pre-MC - which is worrying to me because I'm a worrier. I'm still waiting on my ovulation for this cycle, but it should be soon-ish. 

silentP

I completely get this. I wish you nothing but the best, though, and a happy and healthy 9 months if you end up with a BFP. Try to take it day by day, minute by minute, even.

 For me, after two losses, it seems climbing Mt. Everest would be easier than staying pregnant and having a healthy baby in the end. 

dpjennifer

I know what you're saying.  Each cycle after MC it's exciting to talk about pregnancy and babies, but then when it comes the middle to end of the TWW it's torture because I really want those two pink lines, but I also am scared of having another MC, things going wrong, etc.  But then when AF comes or when I got my BFN I get really upset feeling I may have wished away that BFP I know I want.  Super emotional time!  Like you said, post-MC seems to make the emotional roller coaster worse.

@silentP I am so sorry for your losses.  I hope you can stay strong and positive and get your rainbow baby soon!

silentP

@dpjennifer thank you, same to you!

And I am sorry to dump on your post, @jenmlangtake2, that wasn't cool of me. You have every reason to believe you will go on to have a healthy pregnancy! I still feel you, though. I am anxious to get started but yet it feels freeing to not be trying because there is no possibility of that heartache again, like you said.

MamaCoffin

silentP said:

@dpjennifer thank you, same to you!

And I am sorry to dump on your post, @jenmlangtake2, that wasn't cool of me. You have every reason to believe you will go on to have a healthy pregnancy! I still feel you, though. I am anxious to get started but yet it feels freeing to not be trying because there is no possibility of that heartache again, like you said.

Girl, dump away. This place has been so good for me to just get crap off my chest. I welcome others doing the same!

Af2013nl

I I completely understand how you are feeling. The wish and hope for those two pink lines, but the fear and apprehension that goes with the what ifs. Wishing all your best for a healthy nine months and beyond.

NamelessAria

I think most, if not all, of us know just how you're feeling. I know the first "cycle" (does it count as a real cycle if it started with a MC and not a period?) I was having so many conflicting emotions. I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. Something precious had been cruelly taken from me by fate or to whatever or whomever you want to ascribe it. And while I could never have that baby back, I felt like being pregnant again with another precious baby would help lessen the depths of my despair.

But at the same time I felt somewhat guilty for feeling as if another pregnancy would help me move forward. It felt like a betrayal to the baby I lost. Like I somehow viewed my angel baby as "replaceable." 

And, of course, I was also absolutely terrified that if I got pregnant again that I wouldn't be quite ready yet to emotionally handle it. The first time I was pregnant before I knew anything was wrong and had every reason to believe I'd have a "normal" and healthy pregnancy, I was still absolutely terrified of something going wrong. I can only imagine how much that is amplified once you've been through a loss. I remember wondering if I got pregnant that first "cycle" if I'd be capable of feeling excitement and joy. Would I have enough emotional resources after my loss to deal with all the normal pregnancy anxiety and fear? I thought that I could, maybe. And I was willing to jump back into TTC and take my chances.

As it turns out, I didn't get pregnant that time. Or the next time. And probably not this time. But at least each cycle I feel more and more sure, even if the increments are small, that I can do it. I can handle it. I now feel like if I were to get pregnant I'd be recovered enough to be able to feel some of the joy and excitement I'm "supposed" to feel. And if, God forbid, another loss is in my future before I get my take-home rainbow baby then I fee like I've recovered enough that it wouldn't absolutely break me. I'd be heartbroken. I'd be back in all the soul-crushing despair I felt the first time. It would be difficult and horrible. I'd probably spend a day or two laying in bed crying and wondering why me. But I'd make it. And eventually I'd be ready to try again for my rainbow.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: I understand how you're feeling. And every cycle it does get a little bit better and easier. Maybe not much, but a tiny bit. Hopefully you get your BFP for your rainbow soon.

MamaCoffin

NamelessAria said:

I think most, if not all, of us know just how you're feeling. I know the first "cycle" (does it count as a real cycle if it started with a MC and not a period?) I was having so many conflicting emotions. I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. Something precious had been cruelly taken from me by fate or to whatever or whomever you want to ascribe it. And while I could never have that baby back, I felt like being pregnant again with another precious baby would help lessen the depths of my despair.

But at the same time I felt somewhat guilty for feeling as if another pregnancy would help me move forward. It felt like a betrayal to the baby I lost. Like I somehow viewed my angel baby as "replaceable." 

And, of course, I was also absolutely terrified that if I got pregnant again that I wouldn't be quite ready yet to emotionally handle it. The first time I was pregnant before I knew anything was wrong and had every reason to believe I'd have a "normal" and healthy pregnancy, I was still absolutely terrified of something going wrong. I can only imagine how much that is amplified once you've been through a loss. I remember wondering if I got pregnant that first "cycle" if I'd be capable of feeling excitement and joy. Would I have enough emotional resources after my loss to deal with all the normal pregnancy anxiety and fear? I thought that I could, maybe. And I was willing to jump back into TTC and take my chances.

As it turns out, I didn't get pregnant that time. Or the next time. And probably not this time. But at least each cycle I feel more and more sure, even if the increments are small, that I can do it. I can handle it. I now feel like if I were to get pregnant I'd be recovered enough to be able to feel some of the joy and excitement I'm "supposed" to feel. And if, God forbid, another loss is in my future before I get my take-home rainbow baby then I fee like I've recovered enough that it wouldn't absolutely break me. I'd be heartbroken. I'd be back in all the soul-crushing despair I felt the first time. It would be difficult and horrible. I'd probably spend a day or two laying in bed crying and wondering why me. But I'd make it. And eventually I'd be ready to try again for my rainbow.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: I understand how you're feeling. And every cycle it does get a little bit better and easier. Maybe not much, but a tiny bit. Hopefully you get your BFP for your rainbow soon.

Ugh you just made me cry. For real. Thank you for the beautiful words. Good luck to you in your journey too!! 

glamakitti

@NamelessAria perfectly written. 

It is a non stop roller coaster of anticipation, frustration and fear and disappointment. I miss the ignorance and naivety of myself; before my mc and before the ASD diagnosis for DS1.  How awful to be so afraid; this should be such a happy time for all of us looking to expand our families. I'm 7 days into my two presently. 

@jenmlangtake2 fx for your bfp.

BooksForMe23

Ditto!  If we do get our BFPs, then it's just the beginning of 9 months of being completely stressed out and worried.  And then 18+ years of being stressed out and worried, I guess.  

RiverSong15

I'm right there with you. I'm in my FW now, and last time, it was exciting to be TTC. Now, there's just sadness and fear. A BFP won't bring me excitement, just fear, and that adds some sadness into the mix too. Fun times all around, no matter what happens in two weeks...

m6agua

I totally get it. It sucks. For me each cycle post loss has gotten a little bit easier. I have been seeing a counselor. My next session is after I know for sure if it's a BFN or a BFP. That way I can talk it out no matter which way it goes. Both bring so much anxiety.

megsbrock

silentP said:

 For me, after two losses, it seems climbing Mt. Everest would be easier than staying pregnant and having a healthy baby in the end. 

This is EXACTLY how I feel.
ugh.

MamaCoffin

I think it's hard because before that first loss we feel invincible. "It can't happen to me". Then it does. And for some of you more than once. I quickly went from thinking nothing could go wrong to now fearing EVERYTHING. 

Reality sucks. 

RiverSong15

jenmlangtake2 said:

I think it's hard because before that first loss we feel invincible. "It can't happen to me". Then it does. And for some of you more than once. I quickly went from thinking nothing could go wrong to now fearing EVERYTHING. 

Reality sucks. 

I feared everything the first time around, and it still didn't save me from a MC. This is what I'm going to tell myself when I get a BFP - no amount of worrying will prevent another MC, but it WILL rob me of my joy and love for that baby, and my baby and I deserve to experience that joy and love.

MamaCoffin

RiverSong15 said:

jenmlangtake2 said:

I think it's hard because before that first loss we feel invincible. "It can't happen to me". Then it does. And for some of you more than once. I quickly went from thinking nothing could go wrong to now fearing EVERYTHING. 

Reality sucks. 

I feared everything the first time around, and it still didn't save me from a MC. This is what I'm going to tell myself when I get a BFP - no amount of worrying will prevent another MC, but it WILL rob me of my joy and love for that baby, and my baby and I deserve to experience that joy and love.

Oh perspective. Thank you. I needed a little of that. 

fivetimesnoluck

BooksForMe23 said:

Ditto!  If we do get our BFPs, then it's just the beginning of 9 months of being completely stressed out and worried.  And then 18+ years of being stressed out and worried, I guess.  

Get out of my head!!

My husband and I have had this conversation more than once. We always have such anxiety over the TWW, then the next month is also tense (I've never made it past 9 wks), but if we ever get to the second tri, then what?! It will just be compounded! Then when we actually have a baby... whoa.

Let's just say I feel like we will be well-prepared for the constant vigilance I assume most parents have. We have to make conscious effort to not let fear rule. Yoga and acupuncture help me, but even with that, it still creeps in sometimes.  xo