So stressed and frustrated

lickastick

hi guys, I've hit my breaking point and I just need to vent!

It's my dream to be able to have a home birth, and DH and I have been preparing emotionally for and educating ourself for years to be able to make it a reality. What I didn't plan for was my insurance. I am coming to find out that doing a home birth will be at least 3x more expensive than a hospital or a birth center because of the way my insurance is. I've spent hours and hours over the past 2 weeks on the phone with insurance, doctors, midwives, and labs trying to figure out a way to make this happen. I am so frustrated because it feels like I am the only on advocating for me and I have to check every single code for every single test and visit to get any sort of information. I am super disappointed in my midwives because they have a totally blase attitude of "oh we don't really know about that, we can figure it all out someday." I feel like I am drowning and that there is no one on my side, and I can't help but wonder what is the message I am meant to learn from all of this. I am even questioning if the midwives are the right fit for me. There is very little option for home birth in my city so I only have about 4 practices to choose from, and these were the ones I liked the most. 

I've been so annoyed with DH, everything he does makes my skin crawl (hormones perhaps?) I still haven't told anyone yet about the pregnancy and I am so sad that I can't just enjoy being pregnant and that I have to fight so hard on this issue. 

On top of all of that I've been estranged from one of my BFF's since she found out she was pregnant with her second after 1 month of trying (I told this story on TTC <35 so some of you know it) Basically since she told me (in nov) she was pregnant she never texted or called me beyond me getting in touch with her, I haven't heard from her in a month. I took her BFP pretty hard but still asked her about the pregnancy and how she was doing and checked in on her, but she never once asked how I was doing. She knew we were TTC, and maybe she didn't know what to say to me, but I'm so hurt she never checked in because november and december were 2 of the hardest months I have ever experienced with depression from TTC. Getting a BFP didn't erase that I wanted her support, and that I wished she would have asked me how I was doing. It doesn't erase the difficulty of the journey. She doesn't know I'm pregnant and at this point I can't feel happy sharing that with her while I still feel hurt. 

I guess the hardest part about everything is feeling so alone and shouldering the burden (and the joy) completely to myself. 

Thanks for listening if you have hung in until this point! I don't know how I could have made it this far without you guys. 

Sporty1216

Oh, @createillumination -- I'm really sorry about all of this! I don't have much in the way of advice or help, but I do think it's a good time to reconsider your midwives if you feel like they are not advocating for you. I think that, sometimes, for those in the "business," what is so minumental
for us can seem routine or mundane. But you want your team to be your team--to be on your side, excited with you and for you, etc. Maybe give them another few weeks and if you still aren't happy, do another round of interviews. In some ways, you really know more now about what you want and need from a midwife team than you did the first time you interviewed them. And, I don't say this to minimize your dream of the home birth, but my experience with LO, where everything went sideways, has encouraged me to encourage others to maintain some flexibility with the birth plan. It will be beautiful--even if it turns out you can't make exactly what you wanted to happen happen (though I really hope you can!). 

Re: your DH and your BFF: I'm sorry about those situations too. Probably the annoyance with DH is at least partially hormones. I know it is for me. So I'm just creating and taking space where I need to and that has helped a lot. I'm also trying to be better about articulating my needs to him more clearly, but sometimes I don't do it well and just snap. Oops. 

As for your BFF, that's such a hard situation. I hope that you will be able to tell her about your pregnancy and that maybe the two of you can have a real heart to heart that will do some healing. 

Anyway. The first trimester is so hard. I'm sorry you have all of this going on too. So ready for second tri and cute bumps and the excitement of everyone knowing. Take care and know we are all here! So grateful for this little community. 

carrieandr

I agree with @Sporty1216 -- I want the best medical care possible right there if anything goes wrong. It kind of makes sense that it would cost more to insure a home birth because that would make things riskier. (I'm not sure if that is the reason, though.) But I'm sorry you're having trouble doing things the way you would like to.

As for your friend -- I'm friends with a girl who is very sensitive and is often hurt by things that others aren't aware of. I don't remember your November post. It may have been after my bfp. But just based on the info here, I'm wondering if she knows how hard and emotionally draining TTC has been for you. Just before my bfp, I told my sister I was bummed that some other people got bfp's and she was shocked and said I should be happy for them and TTC should be exciting and happy. (Ironically, she said acupuncture would fix that.) Despite the fact that I had been trying for almost a year and had two losses, she was surprised to hear that I wasn't happy and excited. I wonder if your friend realizes that. Or maybe she does realize that and she doesn't want her happiness to upset you. If you shared that you were pregnant too, I'm sure communication would increase.

The bottom line is, you can't decide what kind of friend someone else will be. My sensitive friend would love for me to call her a lot and be very attentive, but that isn't me. Friends don't always live up to our friendship requirements, but there really shouldn't be requirements.

lickastick

@Sporty1216 reading your response is helping me to confirm that I might be in the wrong place, this level of stress only tends to happen when I am going down the wrong path. Even just typing it out and hearing your reflection helps me to understand that even more. So thank you!

@carrieandroy you are right she doesn't know of my struggles and the only way to "fix" it is to communicate with her and I am the only one that can do that. 

emgee27

Agree with PPs on all the advice. Talking to your BFF and your DH about your feelings and what is going on may help to clear the air and help you get the support you need from them. Your BFF sounds like maybe she has self-imposed some walking-on-eggshells with you on the topic since she knew you were TTC but it's clear that is not what you want at all. Some people just feel awkward bridging the topic when they are on the other side of it and it might be unintentional since she doesn't know what else to do. Or maybe she is just too wrapped up in the baby stuff and needs a reminder that you need her right now. 

I'm sorry about the midwives and home birth stuff, that is super complicated.  Maybe examine the midwives group behavior carefully (I'm only saying this because it seems like you liked them at first) and see if their blasé attitudes exist most of the time or when it comes to insurance matters. I have found that when it comes to insurance, everyone passes the buck onto the patient because it's such a screwed up, obnoxious paperwork mine field. No one wants to deal with anything that is outside of the standard process. I know talking to insurance is surely stressful but the way the American system is set up, it really is our responsibility as the patient to know what our coverage is and to advocate for our healthcare. It really sucks. All the best 

lickastick

@emgee27 I was somewhat prepared for the insurance side of it, and it just plain sucks to have to be the only one to do the work but what can I do, ehhh? It's the midwives behavior that I was more surprised by and so I am already looking around and re-examining my options. I like how you phrased it that my BFF might need a reminder that I need her right now. Thanks!

emgee27

createillumination said:

@emgee27 I was somewhat prepared for the insurance side of it, and it just plain sucks to have to be the only one to do the work but what can I do, ehhh? It's the midwives behavior that I was more surprised by and so I am already looking around and re-examining my options. I like how you phrased it that my BFF might need a reminder that I need her right now. Thanks!

It really is so disappointing and sucks with insurance. My MIL has a fabulous specialist that she pays out of pocket to continue to see for her illness but whenever she brings him disability paperwork, he gets super irritated and treats her like she's putting him out! As if she's not the one who's sick and having to deal with disability bureaucracy to get some much-needed help. It makes me like him less, even though he's so knowledgeable about her rare illness.

Guarantee you'll feel better after venting to your BFF!

Sporty1216

It sounds like things are already looking up, @createillumination ! Based on what I know of you here, you are a positive and pro-active person and I'm sure these things will all get sorted out. They are big things and I find that, especially in the first trimester, big things feel even bigger because all I really think about or care about is getting my baby and me safely through the pregnancy. But when no one else knows about it, it really can feel like you are shouldering the entire world. 

We we told our family and some close friends this week after our good appointment on Monday. While that felt risky (we didn't tell as many people this early last time), it also felt SO freeing. Your first appointment is coming soon, right? Maybe you can feel more free to share with at least a few key people after that, If not before?

Hang in there! Thinking of you...

lickastick

@Sporty1216 for sure! I just had a long talk with a (sort of) new midwife that might be a better fit for me and maybe that is why this all happened. 

tiffanyhr

The more I learn about insurance, the angrier I get! It is so frustrating to deal with anyone from insurance, figuring out coverage, and getting things to go your way. Hoping it works out the way you want!

sorry to hear about your bff- always tough to be disappointed by someone you thought was a good friend. Definitely keep trying to make contact and hopefully she'll come around!

Wyattnash00

So much I want to say but haven't had a second to give you a decent response. I echo what PP's have said. Sadly insurance usually sucks and no one but you is going to want to deal with insurance.  I don't know if that has anything to do with your midwives or not.  But if it shows how laid back they are and you feel like this  means they won't advocate for you in the future, definitely look into other midwives.  Agree about the expense though, so many things can come up.


definitely talk to ur bff, so easy to not talk and let this further spiral when really you both miss each other.  


and men can be dumb;) I love my hubs to pieces but we spent a lot of time figuring out how to communicate, first when we got married and then after we had our son.  I would just assume he should know what I want, that never happens.  Asking is always best!



keep us posted:)

Glow360

You need different midwive agency who an work with your insurance, you should not have to do billing work, agency/ midwife job. It sounds like your rightfully overwhelmed, and your pregnant and this is amplified emotion. Your BFF new better and was smart to not bask in her pregnancy and she wouldn't know what to say but you should forgive her, invite her to lunch and share how hard things have been and tell her you really miss her and want her to be a part of your journey. Men well they are just dumb. I notice I get really overwhelmed easier and then get hot flashes and cry lol stress I can't handle even losing my keys or I'm a blubbering mess. Hang on, things will get better. Keep us posted. Hugs

Mamafesto

So sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. With respect to the home birth, I know how important it is to have the birthing experience that you want and I agree that if your midwives don't feel it's important enough to advocate for you, then maybe you should look elsewhere. I am a big home birth proponent and have looked at the studies and seen the documentaries that show home births reduce unnecessary interventions and associated complications. With DS, we thought about it (and in VT home births have to be covered to the same extent as hospital births), but honestly chose not to do it because we have a dog that sheds non-stop and I couldn't get the image of my baby emerging from the womb only to be covered in dog fur out of my head. Ha! So, we went for the next best thing, a birthing center staffed by midwives that has a "childbirth is a natural process" philosophy, a ridiculously low c-section rate compared to the national average and didn't even offer epidurals at the time. Their rooms look like a bedroom at home, each has a large shower with a handle for birthing (which I used during most of my labor), they're stocked with birthing balls and stools and they have a couple of birth tubs for those who want water births. I ended up having an incredibly positive experience there and in the end DP and I very much appreciated the catered meals and attention by the staff that we would not have gotten at home. I certainly am not trying to persuade you to change your mind, but just want you to know that if you cannot make the home birth happen due to cost, you may find there are birthing centers in your area that could provide you with a very similar experience.

As for your BFF, I agree with others that you just have to have the hard, honest conversation so she knows where you're coming from and how you're feeling. I often find the build up to these conversations is so much worse than the reality.

Good luck to you as navigate through these issues!

lickastick

@Mamafesto I chuckled so much thinking of a baby coming out and getting covered in dog hair. Ba! That's so awesome you had such a great birth experience, I love hearing every single story where women loved their birth experience no matter where it was. I toured my local birth center this week and it is perfectly lovely and I have had a lot of friends have great experiences there...it just won't be a home birth. DH and I are going to have to sit down and work out some budget issues so I can figure out the best way to move forward. 

emsmama15

@createillumination - I'm a nurse practitioner in the Newborn ICU, so I have an obvious and hardcore bias toward hospital birth.  BUT, I'm going to put that aside and just say this - you need to trust the person delivering your child, wherever and whoever that is.  They should be willing and able to have your back completely, whether that be in supporting you during labor or helping you figure out your insurance stuff.  A blasé attitude is not acceptable and you do not deserve that.  It makes me nervous they will be blasé about other things, possibly during your labor and birth.  Find someone else.  (I feel very strongly about this, I trust my OB implicitly and if I did not, I'd be out of there faster than fast!)  

BernieRae

@createillumination - sounds like you've gained some clarity Hope your talk with your friend goes well. Like others have said, it's the only way to really know what's going on.

 I love that there are some diverse views here on birthing options and I hope we continue to discuss them. When we started TTC I researched my insurance coverage and was intrigued by the option of working with midwives for prenatal care and a midwife assisted birth in the hospital. This is probably minor, but I just couldn't get over the thought of going through labor while hooked up to an IV. Soon after, I had to have (what still appears to be) random colorectal surgery and now I'll need to have a c-section to prevent further damage. I look on the bright side that at least I've had plenty of time for this reality to sink in. 

redheadbride15

I'd love to echo everything that @emsmama15 said. I could not agree more. I'm a pediatrician and I know the statistics well enough that personally, I would never consider a home birth. That being said I understand the appeal of it and fully respect those that make that choice as long as it is well-informed. Getting a "blase" attitude from your providers would be kind of a red flag in my book. If you do choose a home birth then I hope you would fully trust that your provider is well-versed in the process, knows the potential complications, and has a well laid-out plan for getting emergency attention in a timely manner even if the likelihood of needing it is low. Best wishes to you!

lickastick

emsmama15 I didn't know that you are a NP in the NICU, that must be one of the most amazing and heart wrenching jobs there is. I can only imagine what you have experienced in that position. I really respect what you conveyed and I love the fierceness behind the sentiment of fully trusting your provider because you are 100% right about that. That fierceness really has me asking myself who can I fully trust, with my life, with my babies life. I think I have come to to the conclusion that I don't trust these midwives in that way, I don't think they are the right providers for me. 

@redheadbride15 I agree with what you are saying completely. The weird thing is I don't feel like they are blase about the health and safety part of the whole process (they are some of the most experienced midwives in the county), but it still isn't right that they aren't addressing the concerns that are coming up for me now in a way where I feel supported. It's just really put me off them. 

@BernieRae I'm so sorry that an option has been taken off the table for you. Even though it is out of your control it can still hurt not to be able to choose. I really respect your attitude about it and I know a lot of woman that have had beautiful cesarian birth experiences. It's not a lesser experience, just a different one. 

Sporty1216

@BernieRae -- I'll echo what @createillumination said. thought it does stink to have the choice made for you, it can still be really beautiful.

I ended up needing to be induced due to high BP and fetal monitoring indicating that babe wasn't as active as he should have been. I had planned on an entirely natural birth and attempted that, in terms of pain relief, even with the induction. Well, I wasn't dialating very quickly and after a day of labor, was exhausted. I finally did an epidural and then when my BP dropped, baby didn't tolerate it well. We continued to try to get him here vaginally, but it just wasn't happening. Ultimately, for his safety and mine, we had to do a c-section. It was not what I had planned at all, but it was still amazing and I have some funny memories of our time in the OR and I got to have him held up to me within minutes of his birth. He sucked on my chin and cheek, so we got right to the business of nursing as soon as we got to recovery. 

This time we will do a planned c-section and my OB assured me that those tend to be easier on a person in terms of recovery, because your body isn't worn out from laboring first. 

Anyway. Long story short: if you ever want to talk about the c-section deal, feel free to be in touch!

lickastick

@Sporty1216 Thank you for sharing your story, it is beautiful!

redheadbride15

@Sporty1216 I love your birth story!

I'm trying not to have too much of an idea in my head about how I want my birth to be, because I know that's a recipe for potential disappointment. At the end of the day I don't think I have strong feelings about the process. It's only one day of my life. I just want it to be safe.

Ideally, I want my OB to practice evidence-based medicine, but as a physician I also realize that's not always possible because there just aren't good studies done on 90% of what we do, so there's a certain art involved in the process as well. I've been reviewing the primary medical literature around childbirth as much as I can (I have more to read still) but at the end of the day the data seems equivocal about the vast majority of interventions that are "controversial" (like fetal monitoring, use of c-sections for various indications, episiotomies). I just have to trust that my OB practice is up-to-date on everything, and that they use sound judgment. I think I am building that trust with them.

Sporty1216

I hope that was all ok to share--after I posted it I hoped it wasn't too far afield from our conversation topic here!  

but it I think the bottom line really is to trust your care providers and to be able to communicate with them honestly and freely. I feel like if my OB wasn't my OB, we'd be friends and that means so much to me. When I was having my son, she was home with her own kids and was on the phone with me in the hospital late in the night and came in after midnight to do the surgery. She promised me she would see me through the whole thing and she did. I have the same confidence in her this time and I hope for everyone to find that good match--whatever that looks like!

emsmama15

@createillumination - I really do love my job most days.  It can be the happiest and best place to work and can also be SO VERY SAD!  Right now, we seem to be at capacity of sad cases and it makes my heart hurt every day.  

@BernieRae - I know exactly how you're feeling.  I had a random finding on a brain MRI (done for migraines) of a congenital Chiari malformation, which I was assured would have zero impact on my life.  Fast forward a few years, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my OB calls me at home to drop the bomb that she's been discussing my case with the anesthesia team at the hospital I deliver at and none of them are comfortable with me having a spinal or epidural.  They want me to have a Neuro consult before they'll consider - make another doctor make the call.  So, I cried and cried and then headed off to the neurologist who dropped the bomb that the safest way for me to deliver is a c-section with general anesthesia.  UGH!  It broke my heart to be ASLEEP when I delivered my baby girl.  BUT, I had the most amazing team of friends and co-workers who took great care of my girl, videotaped the whole surgery (I told my OB I probably saw more of my baby's birth than most awake c-section mamas), followed her to the nursery with the video camera like paparazzi, etc.  It was an amazing experience and I had two weeks to make it the experience I wanted it to be.  It's all in your attitude and how you spin it in your head.  C-sections aren't the end of the world.  They're doing amazing things now.  Make sure to ask for skin to skin in the OR - we're doing that routinely with all babies (preterm and term) at our hospital.  They also have these clear drapes at my hospital so the mom can watch what's going on if that's something that interests you. You can still make it really special.  

Sporty1216

That's an incredible story, @emsmama15 ! What an amazing support system you have! And, now your daughter will also have that video to see!

BernieRae

Thank you for sharing your stories, @Sporty1216 and @emsmama15 ! I think down the line I will want to check in with each of you on c-section birth and recovery. I've been feeling a lot like you, @redheadbride15.  My expectations are not necessarily negative, I just haven't been expecting to feel great about it. Mostly because I have a low tolerance for being around "medical stuff". I have to look away when I get a blood draw! So that plastic curtain would not be my cup of tea. My husband (the critical care nurse) would LOVE it though. I feel like all will be ok because I know he will be focused and present for the baby during and after birth even if I'm not handling it ok! @emsmama15 I'm so glad that the professionals in the OR with you were friends and that you got to have a recording! It would be hard for me if my husband couldn't be there, and really hard for him too. But totally trusting your team and considering them friends...Sounds like an amazing group of people to welcome your daughter.

@createillumination - yes, this discussion has made a detour! Sorry about that! Although I guess that happens during discussions in real life too

carrieandr

I agree with @redheadbride15 I'm not planning ahead, I just want it to be safe. And I love that my dr has the same attitude. He said there's no need to decide if I want an epidural in advance. If I feel like I need it, he'll do it. And he said the stuff you see in the movies about women asking for it too late is not true. He said the only reason it would be too late is because the hard part is over. I love that he is very laid back, because I think it will make me calmer.

@sporty1216, I like the part about the baby sucking on your chin and cheek. Every now and then something will make actually meeting this little girl one day seem real. Reading that gave me that feeling.

lickastick

@BernieRae the discussion is exactly as it should be, I love everything we are discussing, it is so important to have these conversations.

@emsmama15 Wow! Just wow that you so much for sharing that with us. I really honor you and your experience and rising to the grace that you did.

I love the book birthing from within, it was one of those books that change my life. In it, the author talks about "facing your fears" of different ways of giving birth. She recommends sitting down and thinking/feeling what would happen in each scenario. ie.. birth without drugs, birth with drugs, c-section birth, emergency birth. So while I strive for a specific type of birth experience, I know that things can change in an instant and my path could lead me down any number of roads. I plan to research every type of birth and face any fears I have about birthing in those different ways. My hope in doing this is that if I give birth in a way that is different than "my plan" I won't feel disenchanted about the experience. 

Sporty1216

Can I just say I love this group so much? 'Cause I do. 

emsmama15

Me too @Sporty1216.  

Oh, and just as a side note, my husband was also allowed in, even with the general anesthesia, though not every anesthetist allows it.  

BernieRae

@emsmama15 - Awesome! Yep, my assumption was wrong