C-sections
1ProudMomma
member
My experience, sorry so long
1ProudMomma
member
in C-sections
So I don't have a question, but I wanted to share my experience and my feelings, and see if maybe someone out there could tell me they can relate, or at least that I am not crazy for how I feel. Sorry in advance for the long post. Here goes....
First let me start by saying how it took me almost 6 years to get pregnant. My previous ob lied and said there was a great chance I couldn't have kids on my own, she never did do any testing. My current ob had done a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis and flushed my tubes to make sure they were clear. Found nothing wrong. Finally I was prescribed clomid and first try I was pregnant!! Now it started off very fairy tale like, we found out on valentine's day ❤ and we got to see our "dot" within a week of finding out ☺ Now I was paranoid a lot in the beginning, I had a previous leep procedure years ago and was afraid I wouldn't be able to support the baby.
Now I was just over 37 weeks when I was in a car accident. The other driver t-boned my car, luckily she hit the passenger side and Noone was over there, but she totaled out my car. That was tuesday, by Thursday my water started leaking heavily and I was admitted to the hospital. My first 3 days were spent confined to a bed in a room that wasn't clean, and was not allowed to eat except for once in the morning. My hospital stay was not a pleasant one to say the least. They had me on pitocin, but I wouldn't go farther than 3 cm. The nurses said they couldn't believe I was sleeping through my contractions, but I wasn't feeling any pain, only tightness. So I'm not sure what labor pains feel like still.
By Sunday my ob had decided to do a c section. He was afraid if I went any longer me or the baby would develop an infection. I had planned on doing direct skin to skin with my daughter, and that went out the window with my c section. Now the whole time I was in the hospital, I was basically alone. My husband would come up for a bit, but would go home to take our dogs out, stayed home at night to sleep and worked in the mornings. The first 2 nights I wasn't allowed to keep the baby in my room at night. I didn't have anyone to help me if anything happened. I ended up with an infection that first night into the second morning. My daughter was treated as a precaution but ended up just fine luckily! I had told them I wanted to breast feed, and they never brought her to my room for any feedings.
Now right after I had her, my room was swamped with people the rest of the day, I barely got to hold my own daughter let alone try to do skin to skin! I was ok with it, well I had no choice really, but I almost immediately started to feel like I didn't have a baby. Don't get me wrong, I know she was mine, but I felt like I was missing out on that instant bond you are supposed to feel. For the first few weeks I felt like this, again, I love my daughter with all my heart, but I still feel like that special bond is missing.
The first 2 weeks I was home I slept on the couch because it was too painful to sleep flat, I had to put my legs over the arm of the couch. Now that also meant me keeping the baby downstairs with me when my husband went up to bed. My husband had no experience with babies prior to our daughter and he was too afraid to do anything with her except sit and hold her.
Now keep in mind, I was barely taking my pain meds because I was trying to breastfeed, which I failed at and feel guilty about as well, so I was in a lot of pain all the time. Now taking care of a baby on your own is hard, it's even harder when you have someone there that isn't any help. He tried, but it was mainly me taking care of the baby, still is. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything with my daughter, she is my little miracle!
I guess I'm still depressed about a lot of things. My Dr says I don't have post part depression, but sometimes I feel like I do. My daughter is my whole world, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, but I can't help but feel depressed sometimes. I'm so depressed about having a c section to begin with. I spent years waiting for it, I was even excited to be able to go through the pain! I couldn't wait to go through labor! I know I'm a little crazy for saying that, but when you spend years thinking it will never happen, you look forward to every aspect of it all. I was the happiest pregnant person I know! Having a child and still not knowing what labor feels like stinks. It makes me feel like I missed out on it.Then my supply never got to be enough and I had to stop trying because she wasn't pooping and we had to rule out the cause, that depresses me even more.
Now my daughter is a total mommy's girl, why wouldn't she be I do everything when it comes to her, but my mil in specific Tries to belittle my role in her life. She makes comments about how she watches her daddy, and says that she is going to be a daddy's girl, which that's fine if she does, but it's like she tries to make everything about her son. My husband is a great guy, bUT when it comes to taking care of his daughter, I don't think he could do it for a whole day.
I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not important, and I shouldn't care what his mother thinks. I don't even want her watching my daughter, she doesn't wipe her properly, she tightens her diapers so they leave marks on her and she steals from her diaper bag!
Anywho, enough about her lol I guess I'm just trying to figure out if anyone else has felt the way I do. Is it normal to feel like I am still missing that special bond? I am so sorry about the book, I really have nowhere to turn with any of this. Thanks in advance for any replies if any at all!
First let me start by saying how it took me almost 6 years to get pregnant. My previous ob lied and said there was a great chance I couldn't have kids on my own, she never did do any testing. My current ob had done a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis and flushed my tubes to make sure they were clear. Found nothing wrong. Finally I was prescribed clomid and first try I was pregnant!! Now it started off very fairy tale like, we found out on valentine's day ❤ and we got to see our "dot" within a week of finding out ☺ Now I was paranoid a lot in the beginning, I had a previous leep procedure years ago and was afraid I wouldn't be able to support the baby.
Now I was just over 37 weeks when I was in a car accident. The other driver t-boned my car, luckily she hit the passenger side and Noone was over there, but she totaled out my car. That was tuesday, by Thursday my water started leaking heavily and I was admitted to the hospital. My first 3 days were spent confined to a bed in a room that wasn't clean, and was not allowed to eat except for once in the morning. My hospital stay was not a pleasant one to say the least. They had me on pitocin, but I wouldn't go farther than 3 cm. The nurses said they couldn't believe I was sleeping through my contractions, but I wasn't feeling any pain, only tightness. So I'm not sure what labor pains feel like still.
By Sunday my ob had decided to do a c section. He was afraid if I went any longer me or the baby would develop an infection. I had planned on doing direct skin to skin with my daughter, and that went out the window with my c section. Now the whole time I was in the hospital, I was basically alone. My husband would come up for a bit, but would go home to take our dogs out, stayed home at night to sleep and worked in the mornings. The first 2 nights I wasn't allowed to keep the baby in my room at night. I didn't have anyone to help me if anything happened. I ended up with an infection that first night into the second morning. My daughter was treated as a precaution but ended up just fine luckily! I had told them I wanted to breast feed, and they never brought her to my room for any feedings.
Now right after I had her, my room was swamped with people the rest of the day, I barely got to hold my own daughter let alone try to do skin to skin! I was ok with it, well I had no choice really, but I almost immediately started to feel like I didn't have a baby. Don't get me wrong, I know she was mine, but I felt like I was missing out on that instant bond you are supposed to feel. For the first few weeks I felt like this, again, I love my daughter with all my heart, but I still feel like that special bond is missing.
The first 2 weeks I was home I slept on the couch because it was too painful to sleep flat, I had to put my legs over the arm of the couch. Now that also meant me keeping the baby downstairs with me when my husband went up to bed. My husband had no experience with babies prior to our daughter and he was too afraid to do anything with her except sit and hold her.
Now keep in mind, I was barely taking my pain meds because I was trying to breastfeed, which I failed at and feel guilty about as well, so I was in a lot of pain all the time. Now taking care of a baby on your own is hard, it's even harder when you have someone there that isn't any help. He tried, but it was mainly me taking care of the baby, still is. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything with my daughter, she is my little miracle!
I guess I'm still depressed about a lot of things. My Dr says I don't have post part depression, but sometimes I feel like I do. My daughter is my whole world, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, but I can't help but feel depressed sometimes. I'm so depressed about having a c section to begin with. I spent years waiting for it, I was even excited to be able to go through the pain! I couldn't wait to go through labor! I know I'm a little crazy for saying that, but when you spend years thinking it will never happen, you look forward to every aspect of it all. I was the happiest pregnant person I know! Having a child and still not knowing what labor feels like stinks. It makes me feel like I missed out on it.Then my supply never got to be enough and I had to stop trying because she wasn't pooping and we had to rule out the cause, that depresses me even more.
Now my daughter is a total mommy's girl, why wouldn't she be I do everything when it comes to her, but my mil in specific Tries to belittle my role in her life. She makes comments about how she watches her daddy, and says that she is going to be a daddy's girl, which that's fine if she does, but it's like she tries to make everything about her son. My husband is a great guy, bUT when it comes to taking care of his daughter, I don't think he could do it for a whole day.
I guess I'm just feeling like I'm not important, and I shouldn't care what his mother thinks. I don't even want her watching my daughter, she doesn't wipe her properly, she tightens her diapers so they leave marks on her and she steals from her diaper bag!
Anywho, enough about her lol I guess I'm just trying to figure out if anyone else has felt the way I do. Is it normal to feel like I am still missing that special bond? I am so sorry about the book, I really have nowhere to turn with any of this. Thanks in advance for any replies if any at all!
Re: My experience, sorry so long
During my pregnancy I had two goals that were very important to me...avoid a c-section so I could do immediate skin to skin and be able to breastfeed. I took a class while pregnant that talked about how it can be very easy to develop postpartum depression if your delivery doesn't turn out as planned, especially if you weren't mentally/emotionally OK with the possibility of your birth plan changing. I really tried to keep that in mind in case my birth plan had to change (mine really just involved wanting to do skin to skin immediately). I also really wanted my labor to start naturally instead of needing to be induced, just for the experience of it...but I also had to be induced. I came to terms with that, because really, my big goal (besides healthy baby) was to do immediate skin to skin. As things progressed, the doctor ended up recommending a c-section because she was sunny side up and looked like she wasn't going to come out on her own. At this point I had been drifting in and out of sleep for a day with the pain meds/epidural I received so I was barely able to keep my eyes open to look at my new baby. With the recovery of a c-section being pretty rough, I did have some tough moments of feeling stressed and depressed at the idea that I couldn't even take care of my LO by myself (couldn't walk up/down stairs with her, couldn't bend down to pick her up or put her down, couldn't get out of bed in a timely manner to get her if she was crying, couldn't properly bathe/shower by myself, etc). I know that was me being tough on myself, but it was all the pressure of the situation I'm sure.
I also had a bit of a battle with protecting the developing breastfeeding relationship my LO and me had (trying to have). It was taking her longer than the doctors wanted to get back to her birth weight, but instead of suggesting solutions/options that were breastfeeding friendly, their suggestions involved formula and using bottles so they could measure what she was taking in (and at that time I wasn't having luck with pumping). I felt like I was on my own with trying to protect our prospects of continued breastfeeding (very depressing). I ended up going to a lactation consultant who offered many solutions/options that promoted breastfeeding. I felt like I finally had an advocate.
I'm just over 7 months postpartum, and I really just try not to dwell on not getting that immediate skin to skin and being so sleepy that I could barely look at her. I could easily depress myself if I did think of it too much. It does cross my mind sometimes and I do catch myself when I start to go too far down that path.
Try to focus on the fact that you and your LO do have a strong relationship, so clearly how your delivery and time in the hospital turned out didn't have an impact on your relationship. Even if you weren't the only one taking care of her, I'm certain you'd still have a strong relationship. Speaking of relationships...I hope your husband treats you with respect and love. I say that because of what you said about him worries me. If you haven't yet, please make sure to clearly let him know if you want him to actually be a parent with you instead of having you do everything.
I know you had other issues, but you can still breastfeed while on pain meds. If your OB/nurses are aware that you want to breastfeed the meds are prescribed accordingly. I breastfed while on pain meds. Unfortunately, one of the biggest things in recovery is to stay on top of the pain. I too was horrible about that. Please know that you are not a failure because you couldn't breast feed. You are the most important person in your daughter's life. I think you need to have a discussion with MIL and have some clear boundaries. Let that Mama Bear out when it comes to your daughter!