Terror before an ultrasound

bunfactory

Hello ladies. I mostly just lurk - but I really need to get this off my chest. I had two miscarriages several years ago and was VERY surprised in early December when I went in for a checkup because I thought I was depressed as I had lethargy, sharp food cravings (which I thought was emotional eating), and I was having cramps. Imagine my surprise when I was diagnosed with the BFP instead.

I am very happy. I immediately went on progesterone. I felt good, and then I had my first ultrasound on December 31st. Everything went great, but for the night and morning before I was a trembling mess. I cried for hours before the ultrasound. I wavered between praying and being convinced that it would be bad. Well, as I said, everything went great. Since then, I have been trying to live by the mantra "live happy". I want to enjoy this pregnancy, not live in fear.

Fast forward to today, and I am once again a mess. I have my genetic testing blood draw, glucose test, and ultrasound tomorrow. I am tense, sick to my stomach, emotional. I can feel all the emotions crashing down on me again. I have a therapist, but I won't see her until after the ultrasound.

Any recommendations? Does it ever get better? I thought after the first I would be better, but I am not. I am so scared and I just don't know what to do to bring my stress level down. This feels miserable.

lilp2015

I understand how you feel. I've also had 2 losses. I was going to the dr every week since I'm high risk. I was a nervous wreak every week. My dr prescribed me a low dose of Zoloft and it has helped so much. I am 16w3d have an appt this Wednesday. I haven't had one since 13weeks since all has been going well. I'm nervous but not as nervous as before the meds. I also failed my glucose test so now I start seeing a high risk dr next week for that. Im sure I will be more nervous for that appt. since I don't really know what to expect. Congrats!

bunfactory

Thank you! It is nice to hear someone else's perspective. I really felt overwhelmed last night, so I asked my husband (after football) if he would go to Babies'R'Us with me. I felt like doing something that showed faith in the pregnancy, and it did help. I haven't bought anything for this baby uet, but my friend who is pregnant got some great last minute gifts.
Also, on the way there my husband pointed out a big beautiful rainbow. It made me cry (damn you hormones!) Because they say the sticky baby after miscarriages is your rainbow baby, and the timing was just too perfect.
Lastly, I bought myself a coloring book, lol. I work hard not to distance myself from my emotions (hence, my therapy), but last night I needed a little breathing room. It felt good to get absorbed in something new.

rkrichey

My ob said that it wasn't uncommon to have ptsd like symptoms from recurrent miscarriages when you're pregnant again. I've had 3 losses and two rainbow babies. I'm now pregnant for the 6th time. Every time I go for an appointment I turn into a complete mess. I was shaking so much before one of my early ultrasounds the doctor had trouble doing it. I literally couldn't help it. I have good days and bad. The thought of losing this baby is never out of my mind. It's like a cloud hovering all the time. The only thing I can do is count down the days. There is no easier way for me to get through it. I wish I had better advice but this is just how I deal. Obviously not well. Lol

carrieandr

I've had two losses and went in for an u/s last week because of some pink spotting. I was in such a daze from the stress and fear, I couldn't focus and didn't see the heartbeat myself. I just took the tech's word for it. If I could go back, I would have done some deep breathing and relaxed a little so I could be mentally present for it. I wish I had focused enough to see the heartbeat, asked for the heartrate and how far along I was measuring. It would have given me more peace of mind afterward.

purplefan1

My first pregnancy was a loss and I was honestly getting on the board today to post something almost exactly like this topic. Im so glad I came across yours.

Since my first was a MMC and I had no signs or symptoms of anything being wrong, I have trouble trusting that this pregnancy is going well. But it has gone well so far. Saw the baby on an early ultrasound and measured 5+6. Was so nervous that for that appointment that my legs were shaking and the tech had to hold them still. Second appointment was at 10 weeks and my BP and pulse were so high they made me sit there and breathe awhile. And I thought I was getting another ultrasound and when I didn't I cried. I was so afraid that between then and my next appointment something would go wrong again and I wouldnt have been able to see the baby actually looking like a baby. Went in for my 14 weeks appointment much calmer assuming that if something is wrong, I would rather find out sooner than later. Appointment went great again, doctor encouraged me to start sharing the news. So we have told people and that has brought on a rush of new anxiety. I go for my anatomy scan next Monday (which is also my birthday) and I am again in fear that we will go in and something will be wrong. And I don't know what symptoms are normal, what's not normal, should I be worried, is this a good thing, etc. As of now I still don't feel like I am showing at all (16+5 today), but other symptoms encourage me to assume something is still happening down there. Sooooo excited to feel baby move eventually. Hoping that the small flutters I've occasionally felt are hinting at future movement.

Agree with you completely though. Some times I give in to my emotions and let myself cry, be worried, be scared, etc. Other times I tell myself I just have to keep moving. So yesterday we rearranged furniture and purged a lot of stuff and I've been on amazon building a baby registry. Still can't get too attached to things, but am hopeful at this point. My mom offered to buy something for the baby and I just asked that we wait until after the scan next week to make sure every thing is OK. This week is going to truly test my nerves though!!! I just want to pop in to the doc and do a quick Doppler to make sure heartbeat is good. But I know I need to practice patience, both now and for when my baby comes so I don't become a neurotic helicopter parent!! I just really really really want to see baby again. And we didn't do any testing. Doctor wasn't against it but also wasn't really encouraging it. Maybe if I had done the testing I would feel a bit more confident (or even more nervous!).

So thank you for your post. I hate that we are all experiencing this, but I am also so thankful to know I am not alone. I can't imagine going through pregnancy blissfully unaware of the scariness that can happen.

alitria

I have been in much the same circumstances with this pregnancy and while I am now 16 weeks tomorrow and things are going great, I still get nervous before an us/Doppler check.  It has gotten a little better over time and I am hopeful I'll continue to relax but once you've had that experience I think it changes you forever, in that you don't have the assumption that an us is always a happy, exciting event and you could get bad news. I have tried deep breathing and relaxation and all sorts of coping skills but the only thing that really helps and seeing that heartbeat on the screen.   

bunfactory

Thank you so much for sharing ladies! @rkrichey said it is PTSD-like, and I couldn't agree more. I am in therapy for PTSD, unrelated to the pregnancies, but the uncontrollable terror and feeling so overwhelmed in the moment are VERY reminiscent of some of my past episodes. Loss is so hard to deal with, and the loss of an unborn baby, to me, is the loss of the innocence of good health and being carefree in my pregnancy, or so optimistic that others can't stand it. I felt like so much died when the baby did.

@June2016BabyW, @CarrieandRoy, @alitria, & @rkrichey, thank you so much for sharing!

My appointment went well. I didn't do the testing today, which I didn't realize as I was in such a daze at the last appt when they discussed it. So, no tests, but I did get another ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat. Everything checked out perfect.

I am insulin resistant, and they have decided to treat me as if I have full blown gestational diabetes for the entirety of the pregnancy. Starting tomorrow I will pick myself 4 times a day. But if it keeps baby healthy, I am on board.

photogmommystacy

I could not be more with you guys right now. I've posted a bit about our very recent loss and almost immediate pregnancy again. I almost can't even think about anything else. We saw our tiny one and his/her heartbeat only last Thursday (early because I called them freaking out and they let me come in). So, what? 3/4 days ago? Then Saturday I had suuuuuuper mild cramps all day. Not even registering on the pain scale - just enough that I could feel them. And one tiny tiny tiny streak of blood one time. And now I'm so overwhelmed. I would love to take my mind off of it until my next appointment, but I almost literally can't.

Experiencing a loss like this truly does change you for good. .

Hugs hugs hugs and know you're not alone.

bunfactory

@stacykrager, I am so sorry for your loss. Such a rollercoaster for you! For me, it did help to do something that outwardly felt like I had faith in this pregnancy (telling close family, adding items to my hidden baby registry on Amazon, walking down the baby food aisle at the grocery store) even if inside it didn't match.

I hope you feel better and fx for all of us!

bgoodwin4

I have my 20 week scan tomorrow and am FREAKING out!!! I had one isolated spotting incident last week but don't feel the baby and don't have many symptoms (other than backaches). Hoping it all goes well but still preparing for the worst. Best of luck to all you Mommas!! Pregnancy is a wonderful terrifying experience. Esp after losses.

purplefan1

@bgoodwin4 hope your scan goes wonderful today!! Update us when it is done and let us know.

alitria

@stacykrager I know it only helps so much to hear but I had cramps all through my first trimester, and still do occasionally.  I'd say they were mild to moderate and they were definitely a cramping sensation, not gas or indigestion like they sometimes try to tell you.  That being said, I'm 16 weeks today with a baby that is looking great.  I think some people are just crampy since I had cramps with my son as well. 

peregrinefalconx

I basically had a freak out before every U/S--anxiety which eventually led to shaking and crying on the table. My husband was able to come with me for the first few, thank God. But eventually, I had to decide that things were going to be OK and I had to start operating as such. I am now 19w (this is my first) and I do say that feeling her little kicks for the last two weeks is greatly reassuring. So yes, it does get better. However, much of it is a mind game and an act of faith. I freak out about 75% less than I did even just a couple of weeks ago.

photogmommystacy

@bunfactory I would love love to do something to show I have faith. Maybe I will in the coming weeks . For now, even just talking to my husband about it is all I can do .

photogmommystacy

@alitria that actually does help tremendously . Pregnancy symptoms are such a joke. They can be a good sign, a bad sign, they can mean nothing at all. Everything means something but nothing really means anything. Sigh.

shalyncross

Im the same way. In a complete mess the day before an ultrasound or dr appointment. It's like I'm just waiting for the bad news. I try to feel happy about this prganancy, but all I feel is scared and nervous. Every ultrasound I've had so far I've cried at. Luckily everything is going well but I just can't shake the feeling. I'm sorry you ladies are going through this, but it makes me fell a little less crazy knowing I'm not the only one.

MamaBish

shalyncross said:

Im the same way. In a complete mess the day before an ultrasound or dr appointment. It's like I'm just waiting for the bad news. I try to feel happy about this prganancy, but all I feel is scared and nervous. Every ultrasound I've had so far I've cried at. Luckily everything is going well but I just can't shake the feeling. I'm sorry you ladies are going through this, but it makes me fell a little less crazy knowing I'm not the only one.

This is me too. I cry after every ultrasound and they say baby is moving (I don't even look until they say it). I didn't realize how stressed and tense i was but after my first scan, I bawled and peed on the table. The last one I managed to just cry but I don't think I will ever be just ok with getting a scan. It's so scary.

Hugs to everyone!

purplefan1

Going for my anatomy scan today in about 45 minutes. I've been doing pretty good with the wait this time but now that the day is actually here I'm super nervous. I also woke up and felt as though my bump was smaller (well, my blump was smaller) so I of course freaked out a little. Trying to keep my cool but definitely notice my heart rate keeps jumping up. Just so praying, wishing, and hoping for a good scan and a healthy baby. My last only got to 10 weeks (measured 8 1/2) but they didn't show me the ultrasound when they were scanning so I've never seen a baby of mine get this far. Wearing waterproof mascara. Assume I will cry just need it to be happy tears.

carrieandr

Good luck! I've got an u/s tomorrow at 12w3d. I'm really hoping this is the last one I'll be nervous for.

purplefan1

It was wonderful!!! So thankful for healthy baby!

FireInWonderland

@June2016BabyW Glad to hear your scan went well! Did you find out what it was or are you team green?

purplefan1

Thank you!!! Team green but it was honestly so hard for me to not ask! And I searched the sonos to try to find clues. I'm not good at patiently waiting but the tech was awesome and I've got nothing to go on!

mommaseal

Yay! Glad the ultrasound went well!!

FireInWonderland

That's awesome. H&H remainder of your pregnancy, and I hope you can hold onto this happy feeling!!!

bntfroggie

I honestly thought I was past the U/S anxiety, but I have one in 2wks for a growth scan.  I'm in a panic.  I will be almost 32wks at that point, I feel like the closer I get to the end the more in love I fall and how bad the pain would be if we lost her.

UponAStar16

Although none of us deserved that part of the pregnancy experience, it's a little comforting to know I'm not the only one terrified of this....I never really thought that ultrasound phobia would be the major issue but it is, I guess because the last time I had one turned what I was nervous/excited about into devastating. Going to be going for u/s in a few weeks so I hope all of your positive updates will help keep my nerves in check. Wishing we could all have what many fortunately experience as just a happy and exciting thing, but at least no one is alone here and hoping that over time we all continue to get good news and relief!

Boonhilde

I'm so sorry! I wish I could help better but all I have is a huge history of an anxiety disorder and what I've learned from that. 

Pressure points. Grab your wrist with your thumb over your veins and squeeze down on your thumb. They use this for sea sickness and nausea but it also helps a TREMENDOUS amount with anxiety. (At least with mine.) 

Distraction absolutely is the opposite of what I need during an episode, which leaves me not a lot of other options apart from reassurances. 

I hope that helps even the slightest bit.... Just remember that NO MATTER WHAT you're strong, awesome, will get through whatever comes your way, and there are always better times ahead.

(I'm sorry if that's oversimplifying a huge and complex and impossible situation to deal with.)

I too am a basket case during and before US. When I lie down and the technician takes their time to tell me my baby's okay, I want to scream at them. Maybe I should go in and start by saying, "Please verify the heartbeat and/or movement ASAP."

We'll get through this!

fmannino85

So happy to see you all have positive stories, regardless of the anxiety! I, too, am an anxiety ridden mess. I have my first OB appt Friday (5 days) and I have been sleeping terribly and can't cut the nerves. I bake as a hobby and even that doesn't help distract me. I don't have any pregnancy symptoms at this point (I'm 5w6d), except some mild mood swings, and there are days and moments I convince myself that I lost this baby, too (first pregnancy ended in MC at 6w5d). Sometimes praying helps ease my nerves, but not always. Wishing us all happy and healthy thoughts and pregnancies! 

indy_chic

I had my first ultrasound last week at 8 weeks. My husband was out of town but I wanted the peace of mind that the baby was ok. While in the reception area, it took all of my might to hold in my tears. My eyes were constantly filling,  my heart was racing. So many emotions. The last time I had an ultrasound  was just over 4 months ago, at 40 weeks, when we found out the demise of the pregnancy.    I am not anticipating they get any easier. As I progress further into the pregnancy Iam guessing my nerves will be getting the best of me.

UponAStar16

@indy_chic congratulations on another week, and on making it through your first ultrasound. I don't pretend to have advice about your awful experience months ago but wish you the best now! I'm sure as it gets close to the time your last pregnancy ended things will be triggered, so I hope before that time you'll have a chance to celebrate some of the milestones, and that after that time you'll have a healthy newborn!