How to address DD's concern?

jellybean529

I've been dating my wonderful boyfriend for nine months, and my daughter (age 7 1/2) adores him, and he adores her as well. I feel incredibly lucky for this fact. Marriage is definitely on the table in the future, but the idea of that is causing some confusion for my daughter. (DD doesn't know of any plans, she just begs me all the time to marry my BF because she wants us to be a family, so she's making assumptions.)

Brief backstory: My ex-husband (DD's dad) and I separated when she was 5, right after she started Kindergarten (she's in 2nd grade now). He up and moved several states away for 18 months, only coming to see her a few times before moving back to our hometown in July of this year. XH and I share custody 50/50, but I think she still struggles in a big way with the fact that her dad left for so long and then suddenly returned. For example, she tells me she doesn't like it at dad's house, she misses me too much, she likes our home better, she wants things to go back to how they used to be, etc. She's in counseling and has made significant progress. XH and I are on relatively good terms for her sake.

Anyway, the current issue -- Last night, DD started crying because she doesn't want to be the only kid at school with "two last names" and because her future "sister" (in her mind, any kids that BF and I have will be girls) will have a different last name. I explained to her that if BF and I get married, her last name won't be changing, just mine (I have no desire to keep XH's name) and that she'll still have her dad's name. This upset her very much. She was adamant that wants to hyphenate when BF and I get married, and I know there's a snowball's chance in hell her dad would ever allow that to happen, which I tried to explain in an age-appropriate manner. I also let her know that this is all happening in the far-off future, so she doesn't need to concern herself with that yet.

How should I address this concern? 

blended10

Wow! Poor thing - I can understand she doesn't want to be "different" or separate - but I also understand the logistics are what they are. I would ask her counselor how to handle her concerns. I'm tempted to say "tell her names don't make a family, love does" or whatever but I'm not sure that's valid to a 7-yr-old.
Sorry I don't have better advice but hang in there mama!!

mommav83

My ds had a problem with me changing my name when I got married to my DH. He thought he would no longer be a part of the family and would get sent to his dad's. Poor kid. We just kept telling him over and over that no, he would stay with us and that changing my name doesn't change anything else and we will still love him. He was about the same age. Good luck and she'll get through it.