Venting to follow, beware it's long

ahilly26

I had a horrible experience today, one that I don't know how to get past. We lost our baby on November 9, 2015, it was my first pregnancy. We haven't told many people about our mc only my parents and my sisters. Today was my father-in-laws birthday (my DH's step-father). Backstory-I have always had a strained relationship with my MIL, most of it stemming from her jealousy of my parents. She thinks we spend more time with them but most of the time we spend is when we go to church together, which we invite MIL to but she declines to go. And it doesn't help that my MIL and my mother share the same birthday. This year was my mom's 60th so we went on a family vacation the week of her bday and DH came with us of course. We took my MIL out for her birthday the weekend after but he still felt slighted that we did not see her on her actual birthday. So we had a huge blow out fight today at my FIL's bday. We come in and they are unhappy that we are "late", although they never gave us a specific time to be there. I see my DH's cousin and make remark about how long it has been since I have seen him. Somehow MIL's birthday get's brought up and she starts making rude comments and getting upset about it all over again. This happened four months ago. I have really been struggling since my loss and have had severe depression and anxiety which I was on medication for prior to TTC. I have been off of my meds so when she begins trying to fight with me I have a severe anxiety attack and walk outside crying to get my meds that were in the car. DH follows to talk to me and MIL follows shortly after. She tells me very rudely that I don't need to cry. I try to explain that it was not because of her but because of some other things going on in my life and then she complains and starts yelling that I don't share my life with her. DH in a moment of frustration trying to get her off of my back tells her about our mc. She does not even bat an eye before she starts complaining about her birthday again. She didn't even say she was sorry!! Regardless of how she feels about me, that was her grandchild and her son's child. I can't bring myself to even begin to think about forgiving her. I am at a loss for words and I am so emotional. Any suggestions about how to move past this? I am already going through so much emotionally, like we all are, but now this on top of it? I hate the fact that she even knows. And she is not one to keep secrets so I'm sure it won't be long until she tells someone. I am just so angry.

queenklau

I am sorry for the loss of your first pregnancy. It is a very difficult time and even worse if some of your "support system" doesn't give you the help you need.

Your MIL seems to be a jealous and confrontational character, and the worst kind of person to be around during this vulnerable time. She probably feels like your tragedy is taking over her missed birthday. I don't think she realized this when she ignored your husbands' comment, she probably will need to think about it and accept what happened, afteralI, like you said, it is her grandchild.

I know you are not happy that your hubby told her about the loss, but now you can be honest and decline her invites until you feel strong enough to deal with her bs. It hasn't even been one month, it's ok to take a hiatus from gatherings, esp. those that will give you extra emotional baggage.

Take care of yourself now. Your DH seems very supportive, spend some time together. Do things this make you happy. ((Hugs))

ahilly26

I'm hoping that in the midst of the fight it didn't exactly register what he said, but she did make a comment right after that she would love to be a grandmother by us and then went right back to the subject of her birthday. I told DH that I was done with my MIL for a bit because my heart is still too raw from our mc to deal with anything else. Thankfully he is very supportive, so I'm just going to give it time.

Thank you for your response @klauerinaking, it gave me some perspective on the situation.

tinypikachu

I'm sorry this happened... and so close to your loss! I love that you said that your DH is being supportive as this shows that be has your back and you trust him to help you handle your MIL (a lot of women with problems like this don't feel supported by their husbands). I use the word "handle" because with a person like your MIL, this is what you have to do. Sometimes it's impossible to have relationships with persons that treat you like this and it's sometimes not worth trying, so what you have to do is learn to "handle" her so it doesn't get out of hand and, most importantly, doesn't bother you.

I have a very similar issue with my mother and what I'm doing is keeping her at a distance as much as possible. I try to see her and talk to her as little as possible. I didn't just disappear, though, I had a long talk about what needed to change and told her that I would distance myself from her if it didn't. Things didn't change, so I just got away and I'm doing everything I can to protect my inner peace from her. This is something your husband can do (if you feel things are getting out of hand), talk to her, without you there, and tell her what you both need from your relationship with her and what will have to happen if you don't get it. It's important to protect yourselves (and your future babies!) from drama and toxicity like this...

Mothers sometimes don't understand that their sons will get married and the wife is the new family and the new #1 girl, it's not momma anymore; and this causes issues of jealousy with the new family and arguments. If you feel like you are getting more hurt than uplifted from your relationship with her, stay away, protect your peace