I did not have a birth plan, knew I wanted drugs, and even knew a c-section was a possibility for me (preeclampsia at 36 weeks; multiple induction attempts and i KNEW my body wasn't ready--0 dilation). And I STILL was left utterly broken.
Nothing prepared me for my c-section. After 24 hours of labor, my doctor deemed me as a "failure to progress." And I was in surgery 15 minutes later (even though my baby was in ZERO distress).
Same as you, the newness and excitement of a baby wore off after I got home. And in it's place came overwhelming sadness, guilt and utter disappointment. And even 9 months and several trauma therapy sessions later, here I sit in the middle of the night, crying and searching for answers I know I won't find.
I have so. Many. Questions. How can the birth of our children feel like the worst thing that's ever happened to us? What kind of mother feels that way? Am I as bonded to my baby as I could be, or am I biologically missing out on some sort of bond that only happens with natural births? Did I really NEED that c-section, or was I just a liability, someone they forced into a c-section and then tried to blame my pelvis as the culprit when labor failed? Will I ever be able to say the words "I gave birth" aloud without feeling like a liar? Am I a real woman?What were the first words I said to my baby? I can't even remember because of the drugs and the blinding headache that forced me to close my eyes.
The thoughts haunt me day and night, but mostly at night. They haunt me every time I see a picture of "that magical moment" another couple gets when it pops up in my newsfeed. The picture-perfect moment of a sweaty, smiley mom holding her slimy baby after her marathon labor and natural delivery, with dad beaming next to her with pride. That was supposed to be ME. The first pictures of my daughter and I are me with eyes closed, desperate to seek relief from my headache and not throw up.
I never, EVER thought I would feel this way. Many women I know have had c-sections, including my own mother who had three. I'd never thought there was anything weird or controversial about them; just another way to have a baby. These feelings came on so fast and so unexpected.
My dreams of another child have been shattered. I don't want to go through it again. I can't. And after researching VBACs, I don't know if that's even an option for me either.
For anyone who claims c-sections are the "easy way out" can fuck right off. There's NOTHING easy about lying there, terrified, as they're rooting around in your body. It's BARBARIC to me that people's hands are inside your body while you're lying there AWAKE. there's NOTHING easy about your husband getting to hold them first, and not even being able to turn and get a good look at them. For your baby to leave the room with your husband and you lie there alone, reeling over what the hell just happened. Nothing easy about feeling like you've been ripped in half whenever you stand. About the cocked heads and looks of pity people give you when they find out you've had a c-section. Nothing easy about lying in the hospital bed while you're husband gets to do everything for them while you watch helplessly. Nothing easy about getting home and running around taking care of a baby when you've literally just been opened up and sewn back together.
I keep thinking it will get better with time, but it doesn't. I know I'm not alone; many women feel the disappointment of a c-section. But knowing that doesn't help. And you're right: it also doesn't help when people say "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters!" NO. Having a healthy baby IS absolutely the MOST important thing. That's a given. But it's not ALL that matters. Birth is supposed to be an amazing experience; not terrifying and traumatic.
Im so grateful for my wonderful husband, who after seeing me cry time after time for 9 months, still acts like its the first time, every time. He wraps his arms around me and patiently tries to talk me through it.
I wish I knew how long it would take for these feelings to fade. I don't know if it appeases you all to know that I DIDNT have a birth plan, knew a c-section was a possibility, and yet I STILL fell into a deep depression over it. Birth plan or not: nothing can really prepare you for the harsh reality that is a c-section.
My scar is fading not, but my sadness is not. It's not fair that I have to see that scar every damn day and have a visual reminder of my failure for the rest of my life.
Our situations are different, yet the outcome is the same: we both were robbed of our first births, something we're promised is so beautiful and magical that we can never get back.
I can relate. I had my first c section in January 2014. I had a birth plan, an all natural non medicated birth plan. After 44 hours of labor and not progressing past 5cm I was taken for a c section. I cried and cried and cried. I felt like it's all I did. I was slipping into a depression. I did not feel like I bonded with my son. I gave up breastfeeding way early because it was all just too much, too overwhelming. I wanted my old life back, I wanted my husband back. I felt robbed of ever feeling like I gave birth and I felt totally defeated. I didn't know if I wanted to have anymore kids bc I couldn't bear the thought of doing that again, of feeling those raw emotions all over again. But then it happened. We got pregnant and were due just shy of the oldest turning 18 months. I knew a VBAC was a longshot, after all I never progressed past 5cm the first time. I still kept it as an option. People would tell me I was crazy for even entertaining the thought of being in labor that long again. But in my mind I wanted a "real" birth. Until it came time to do it again, then I wanted my baby here safely. I opted for a RCS with thousands of fears of depression flooding my mind again. Fortunately I can say the 2nd time was much much easier and a lot less stressful. Maybe bc I didn't have preconceived notions of a natural birth or non medicated interventions. I bonded with baby2 right away. I still have periods of angst over allowing those feelings to interfere with the bonding of me and my first son, who turned 2 yesterday. But I know it was part of the healing process. Hang in there mommas. Our bodies are amazing things and you have created a beautiful life, it doesn't matter how it was brought into this world. You are brave for going through such a major procedure to keep your LO safe!!!!
Your post brought tears to my eyes. You wrote EXACTLY what I feel, think and experience. I find there are two camps - Women who have had c-sections and think it's not that bad, and can't relate...and women who got to experience what we deem a successful birth.
Either way, I find myself looking for women to relate to with these thoughts.
I'm sorry, y'all, but this is too much for me. If you're experiencing grief after this long, please see a professional. I understand mourning the birth you didn't get to have, but to say it was a failure is just rubbing me the wrong way. In what way did you fail? Things didn't go according to plan? That's failure? I really don't mean to be snarky, but there's groups and professional help if you're feeling this down after so long.
I'm sorry, y'all, but this is too much for me. If you're experiencing grief after this long, please see a professional. I understand mourning the birth you didn't get to have, but to say it was a failure is just rubbing me the wrong way. In what way did you fail? Things didn't go according to plan? That's failure? I really don't mean to be snarky, but there's groups and professional help if you're feeling this down after so long.
This. I don't feel like a failure after pushing for so long to end in a C/S. I feel the exact opposite, that I tried. My child is alive and healthy, as am I. My C/S saved both our lives. I am just as bonded as other mothers. Pushing a child from my vagina does not mean I am more connected to my child. I can tell my children that I would do and have done everything for them, including surgery to bring them in the world safety. I am not a candidate for VBAC, and that was a sigh of relief. My labor was hell. My body was so swollen and bruised from pushing. My vagina hurt a lot longer than my C/S.
My 2nd birth was utterly amazing. It was a calm and happy time. Every one joked and smiled. Hearing my child cry make my heart swell, especially not have to have a NICU team work on her (unlike my first one) was amazing. I felt great and I was walking with in hours. My pain was almost nothing, I bled very little and I did so much better breastfeeding.
If you are seriously feeling like a failure, have guilt and they horrible negative feelings, you need help. Therapy is a gift. I did it due to putting my 1st through the trauma of pushing. And yes, there was trauma. And I DID IT. Therapy really helped me heal.
As L asking if the C/S is really needed, ACOG tends to say yes. If there is no progress after a certain point, there tends not to be. Make an appt with your OB to talk about what happened.
somestoryline
member
https://youtu.be/LLzTo17leQs
Re: in case your story is like mine
I did not have a birth plan, knew I wanted drugs, and even knew a c-section was a possibility for me (preeclampsia at 36 weeks; multiple induction attempts and i KNEW my body wasn't ready--0 dilation). And I STILL was left utterly broken.
Nothing prepared me for my c-section. After 24 hours of labor, my doctor deemed me as a "failure to progress." And I was in surgery 15 minutes later (even though my baby was in ZERO distress).
Same as you, the newness and excitement of a baby wore off after I got home. And in it's place came overwhelming sadness, guilt and utter disappointment. And even 9 months and several trauma therapy sessions later, here I sit in the middle of the night, crying and searching for answers I know I won't find.
I have so. Many. Questions. How can the birth of our children feel like the worst thing that's ever happened to us? What kind of mother feels that way? Am I as bonded to my baby as I could be, or am I biologically missing out on some sort of bond that only happens with natural births? Did I really NEED that c-section, or was I just a liability, someone they forced into a c-section and then tried to blame my pelvis as the culprit when labor failed? Will I ever be able to say the words "I gave birth" aloud without feeling like a liar? Am I a real woman?What were the first words I said to my baby? I can't even remember because of the drugs and the blinding headache that forced me to close my eyes.
The thoughts haunt me day and night, but mostly at night. They haunt me every time I see a picture of "that magical moment" another couple gets when it pops up in my newsfeed. The picture-perfect moment of a sweaty, smiley mom holding her slimy baby after her marathon labor and natural delivery, with dad beaming next to her with pride. That was supposed to be ME. The first pictures of my daughter and I are me with eyes closed, desperate to seek relief from my headache and not throw up.
I never, EVER thought I would feel this way. Many women I know have had c-sections, including my own mother who had three. I'd never thought there was anything weird or controversial about them; just another way to have a baby. These feelings came on so fast and so unexpected.
My dreams of another child have been shattered. I don't want to go through it again. I can't. And after researching VBACs, I don't know if that's even an option for me either.
For anyone who claims c-sections are the "easy way out" can fuck right off. There's NOTHING easy about lying there, terrified, as they're rooting around in your body. It's BARBARIC to me that people's hands are inside your body while you're lying there AWAKE. there's NOTHING easy about your husband getting to hold them first, and not even being able to turn and get a good look at them. For your baby to leave the room with your husband and you lie there alone, reeling over what the hell just happened. Nothing easy about feeling like you've been ripped in half whenever you stand. About the cocked heads and looks of pity people give you when they find out you've had a c-section. Nothing easy about lying in the hospital bed while you're husband gets to do everything for them while you watch helplessly. Nothing easy about getting home and running around taking care of a baby when you've literally just been opened up and sewn back together.
I keep thinking it will get better with time, but it doesn't. I know I'm not alone; many women feel the disappointment of a c-section. But knowing that doesn't help. And you're right: it also doesn't help when people say "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters!" NO. Having a healthy baby IS absolutely the MOST important thing. That's a given. But it's not ALL that matters. Birth is supposed to be an amazing experience; not terrifying and traumatic.
Im so grateful for my wonderful husband, who after seeing me cry time after time for 9 months, still acts like its the first time, every time. He wraps his arms around me and patiently tries to talk me through it.
I wish I knew how long it would take for these feelings to fade. I don't know if it appeases you all to know that I DIDNT have a birth plan, knew a c-section was a possibility, and yet I STILL fell into a deep depression over it. Birth plan or not: nothing can really prepare you for the harsh reality that is a c-section.
My scar is fading not, but my sadness is not. It's not fair that I have to see that scar every damn day and have a visual reminder of my failure for the rest of my life.
Our situations are different, yet the outcome is the same: we both were robbed of our first births, something we're promised is so beautiful and magical that we can never get back.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. You wrote EXACTLY what I feel, think and experience. I find there are two camps - Women who have had c-sections and think it's not that bad, and can't relate...and women who got to experience what we deem a successful birth.
Either way, I find myself looking for women to relate to with these thoughts.
PM me anytime. We all need to support each other.
My 2nd birth was utterly amazing. It was a calm and happy time. Every one joked and smiled. Hearing my child cry make my heart swell, especially not have to have a NICU team work on her (unlike my first one) was amazing. I felt great and I was walking with in hours. My pain was almost nothing, I bled very little and I did so much better breastfeeding.
If you are seriously feeling like a failure, have guilt and they horrible negative feelings, you need help. Therapy is a gift. I did it due to putting my 1st through the trauma of pushing. And yes, there was trauma. And I DID IT. Therapy really helped me heal.
As L asking if the C/S is really needed, ACOG tends to say yes. If there is no progress after a certain point, there tends not to be. Make an appt with your OB to talk about what happened.