Why is it still so hard

crob5685

At a party and some close friends just announced they are expecting. I am truly happy for them as I know they had been trying for a while, but we are at the same place where we were for my 30th birthday party which was the day I found out I was pregnant and where I told my husband. Feeling really emotional.

AL_TwinCities

I'm sorry, those milestone reminders are really tough. I am 15 months post-loss and I still have moments that are surprisingly hard (other people's pregnancy announcements are always tough). Hugs - do whatever you can to take care of yourself!

carrieandr

Right there with you, friend.  My cousin recently announced that she's pregnant.  She also posted an u/s photo on Facebook for April Fool's Day, a few days after I found out I was having a MMC.  So I wasn't terribly excited to hear that she's actually pregnant now.

I've given up on the idea that at some point this won't be hard.  I do think that once I'm successfully pregnant (maybe second trimester?) or actually have a baby, that I will feel better.  This will always be part of my past, but as long as I'm still waiting to have a baby, it will be a painful part of my present.

crob5685

Thanks ladies! It's so nice to have this board where I can talk to people about how I'm feeling and know that someone else understands. @CarrieandRoy yeah that April fools day thing is rough, don't blame you for not being thrilled haha.

kmmharrison

Within our group of friends, two couples already have one child and are expecting again. One couple tried for over a year and is now expecting triplets as a result of IVF. The other couple (our closest friends of the group) started trying for their second child the same month we started trying for our first. We got pregnant within days of each other. I lost my baby, but she is still pregnant. Being around her is tough because, even though I'm happy for them and this child will be out godchild, it's a constant reminder of where I would be in my pregnancy. Last night, we were all together. The one who is pregnant with triplets has no idea about my MC. She started talking to the other one about their pregnancies. I had to walk away. I just couldn't listen. Then I worried that maybe I seemed rude.
A few minutes later, after she left, the closer friend (who drove an hour to stay with me while DH had to work the night my MC started) told me that she is having some complications. I felt terrible for all the times I've had feelings of jealousy over her baby. Now I'm just praying her baby is ok.

kmmharrison

I agree with you ladies. It's so hard, and I never know what will trigger me feeling sad.

Every time I pray for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, I always pray for the ladies on this board to have the same. You have all helped me so much. FX we all get BFPs soon!

R0824H

I hear you, my coworker is pg and due the same time I would have been if I hadn't lost my first pregnancy...every day it's a little hard to watch her bump grow and hear the baby talk at break

crob5685

I'm sorry it is so hard for all of you ladies as well. Hugs to all!

Screamertree

So sorry for your loss.
We lost our son a little over a year ago, and it still stings going to baby showers, getting birth announcements, etc. I had to get used to that feeling early, as my sister in law was pregnant with their first while I was with our second, whom we lost at 13 weeks. It was so hard to be happy for them, even though I really really was, it just reminded me of what i had lost. We cremated our son, and I have a memorial necklace I wear always, and in some weird way, it helps to have that little bit of hime with me.

GoldenTMama

I'm so glad this TTCAL board is here. I agree with what everyone has said. It remains hard (and will always be with me) and I'm never sure what's going to trigger it. A friend of mine just had her baby a couple days ago and it was hard because my due date was the week before hers, so the milestones of her pregnancy and now her delivery has been hard for me. But I am so happy that she had a health baby boy. 

It helps to have these boards though. I get so much support from all of your posts. 

 FX for a BFP and sticky baby for us all soon!

allishally13

I completely get how you all feel, too. My sister, who already has twins, got pregnant a month after me. We would've been a month apart almost exactly, but I MC at 9 weeks. We were so excited to be pregnant at the same time

I love my sister and my nieces and nephew, but I also can't help but have my selfish moments of "it's not fair" and it's hard to hear her updates even though I don't want to miss out.

On top of everything, she found out she's having a girl and she was thinking of a really similar name to a name I've always told her I loved and wanted to use. I was heartbroken and had already been crying the past few days (ttcal is so emotionally hard), but I think she realized since she decided to make it the middle name instead.

kmmharrison

allishally13 said:

I completely get how you all feel, too. My sister, who already has twins, got pregnant a month after me. We would've been a month apart almost exactly, but I MC at 9 weeks. We were so excited to be pregnant at the same time

I love my sister and my nieces and nephew, but I also can't help but have my selfish moments of "it's not fair" and it's hard to hear her updates even though I don't want to miss out.

On top of everything, she found out she's having a girl and she was thinking of a really similar name to a name I've always told her I loved and wanted to use. I was heartbroken and had already been crying the past few days (ttcal is so emotionally hard), but I think she realized since she decided to make it the middle name instead.

I completely understand! My friend and I were so excited to be pregnant together. Visions of combo baby showers and shared birthday parties were already dancing in my head. Our EDDs were only 4 days apart. She was going to be the first to know. She would have figured it out when we saw each other because I wasn't going to be drinking, and our cycles were so close she would know it wasn't just to be cautious. But I MC before I saw her that weekend.

Now, when I talk to her, I try to always ask how things are going with the baby because I don't want her to feel guilty that she's pregnant and I'm not anymore, but I almost always cry after talking to her.

Some days I start asking "why me?" I think about how they didn't even start talking about trying for a second child until we said we were ready to try for our first. It's so unfair! Then I tell myself I'm just being a brat and I need to be happy for them. It's hard! Now that she's having complications I feel like a horrible person!

But y'all know what? It's not fair! I don't mean it's not fair they have one and we don't. I mean it's not fair we lost our babies. It's just not! So that's not a feeling we should feel guilty for having.

jennyg628

It sucks that we all have gone through this but it certainly does help having a forum like this to see that we are not alone and many of us are sharing the same thoughts and experiences. I wish for blessings and happy new beginnings for us all!

queenklau

Ugh! All of this ^^^^ I feel everything all you have mentioned. Sometime I feel guilty to feel like this, but I need to stop myself and also cut the world and SPECIALLY myself some slack...

One day at a time....

FireInWonderland

My husband is a surgery resident in the army, and the other residents are constantly having get togethers. Of course, with the exception of the couple who doesn't want kids, the couple who are both residents and the single couple, that leaves about 8 other couples with kids and out of those 5 are newborns - born this year. I can't not go to the functions with him, but they all know I lost a baby and the women with children avoid me. It's so uncomfortable and makes me resent them even more. That doesn't make sense in my head but when I see them I just feel that way. And my other friends with children are the very... Open friends. Every other Facebook post, snapchat, or text has a picture of or mentions their baby or pregnancy. It's all just so hard to see, and I keep wondering why we had to lose our baby. It's hard to be happy for people who avoid me now because I feel left out - like not having a baby got me kicked out of some exclusive club I didn't even realize I was in. But it's also hard to be happy for the friends who shove their kids or pregnancy in my face, knowing I lost mine and what it did to me when I found out. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and it starts a vicious cycle.

kmmharrison

@FireInWonderland, I can totally relate! I never know what will set me off. I just wish people would just act normal and forget they even know sometimes. It's hardest for me when my close friends or DH's sisters act all awkward about their kids to my face but then post eighty majillion pictures and videos of their kids on social media every day.
I have been much happier since I just hid them from my Facebook timeline and only visit their pages when I'd like to see their pictures.
I just want to tell them all, "Don't not share my nephews or your happiness about your children with me because you think I'll be sad. They are and will always be a part of my life. I surely don't want to miss out on special times because it might make me sad. And no, I can't predict what will make me sad. But also don't rub it in my face that you have kids. AND please! Do NOT make the holidays about the fact that we are the only ones in the family who don't have kids. We weren't even thinking about that until you brought it up! Just stop it! If you talk about something that upsets me, I will walk away. It's not that hard. Don't overthink it."

bbmorgan87

So sorry for your loss. I totally feel your pain. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks after 6 months of trying. My best friend just announced she's pregnant. I am very happy for her but it's also so sad for me to hear all the exciting things she gets to partake in

silentP

It really is difficult. And I feel like I'm never sure if something will trigger tears for me. I'm happy for people, but definitely guarded. I think it will get somewhat easier with time, and I have to keep telling myself that I don't know what they went through to get pregnant.

Staying off social media helps, but someone saw it fit to tell me last night that her young daughter is unexpectedly pregnant. But then she threw in right after, "Sorry for what happened to you. Just put it out of your mind." Ahh, okay, is that all I need to do?!

FireInWonderland

@kmmharrison - Right?! I hate it when people think they need to shield me from their kids. It's actually not the kids that end up being my trigger, it's the other moms. They seem to think that I am going to flip out on sight of their kids! But when they keep talking to me about how awesome their kids are and how horrible it is that I lost mine and what I'm missing out on, that's what does it. If they would just let it alone and try talking to me about things that aren't just their kids, I wouldn't be 'weird'. I don't want to take away from the excitement of someone having a child, but we were friends for a reason, right? Not just because I listened to you wax about little Jimmy's dislike of split peas... I've tried explaining it but it's like they think I'm pretending to be okay.