Toddler Sleep Anxiety

pattymcgillin

Hello all, 

I am desperate for help.  Our 28 month old son is a terrible sleeper.  It all started when we upgraded to a toddler bed -- four months ago!!!  He refuses to stay in his bed.  At first we battled this by staying at the bedside with him until he fell asleep. Bad habit, I know!  We would stroke his head, sing to him, whatever it took to get him to fall asleep.  Then I would ever so quietly leave the room.  God forbid he woke up as I was leaving -- that's when the water works would start and we would have to start all over again.  I read all the books and consulted all the baby forums about this type of separation anxiety and have literally tried everything.  We did the quiet return, where you walk him back to bed every time he got up but that was hours of walking back and forth and he thought it was a game. Nothing is working.  For the past few weeks I have just placed a pillow and blanket next to him bed and I lay down on the floor next to him bed until he falls asleep.  I know this has made things worse cause now he has smartened up and refuses to sleep in his bed at all and wants to come into our bed... every night!! I am three months pregnant and exhausted! I need advise on things have worked for other moms in a similar situation. I am so close to CIO but that means locking him in his room and I'm really not comfortable with that.

valeriegp

My son is 34 months and also not a great sleeper. For a while he was okay, but for the last year it hasn't been good. I'll spare you the long story, but we tried everything except serious CIO. My son is currently sleeping (most nights) on a twin mattress on the floor in our bedroom. We still have to sit with him until he falls asleep, but he does sleep better this way.

Perhaps not a habit you want to start just before having another baby, but right now it is the only way we can all get a half-way decent night's sleep.

Good luck! 

Bigboobsmcgee

I personally think you need to start being more strict. It has come to that point IMO so if you have to leave him to cry then do it. No more sleeping next to his bed, no more letting him come to your bed. He knows he can do whatever he wants because you won't do anything about it (didn't mean for that to sound so mean!).

We moved my son to a twin bed around that age because we needed his crib for the new baby BUT if I wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't have put him in a bed that young. Your LO is young and it's hard having them in a bed at that age but this is the situation you are in and if you want him to start staying in bed and sleeping there then you need to get down to business and you need to be 100% consistent about it. He needs to know you won't cave in so even if you're tired and even if it takes a long time you have to stick with it.

valeriegp

If you didn't mean for it to sound mean perhaps you should have reworded rather than posted. 

You might be willing to let your child cry and scream for hours, but many of us are not willing to do that. It doesn't mean we are lax parents (I'm one of the strictest of my IRL peers), it just means that we understand that children this age cannot always handle the emotional demands of such a situation. Every kid is different. Additionally, there is plenty of research that doing that to your child can be harmful to their health. 

Not all kids are the same, and sometimes families have to do what they need to do so that everyone gets a good night's sleep and stays healthy. 

Bigboobsmcgee

valeriegp said:

If you didn't mean for it to sound mean perhaps you should have reworded rather than posted. 

You might be willing to let your child cry and scream for hours, but many of us are not willing to do that. It doesn't mean we are lax parents (I'm one of the strictest of my IRL peers), it just means that we understand that children this age cannot always handle the emotional demands of such a situation. Every kid is different. Additionally, there is plenty of research that doing that to your child can be harmful to their health. 

Not all kids are the same, and sometimes families have to do what they need to do so that everyone gets a good night's sleep and stays healthy. 

Geez, chill out, I was trying to help because she asked for help. My approach and suggestion was different from yours but why are you getting all pissed at me?! I find that parents with crappy sleepers tend to be SUPER defensive about anything sleep related and you definitely helped prove that to be true.

Also, what makes you think that I let my child "cry and scream for hours"?? That is laughable considering I have 2 kids, ages 3.5 and 1 and they have never cried for longer than 20 minutes. They are fabulous sleepers, loving and good natured kids. I don't think I've screwed them up. I give a lot of sleep advice to my BMB friends and IRL friends and they thank me over and over for my help. I like helping. It isn't my fault you are too sensitive for my posts and choose to lash out at me when I wasn't even talking to you.

I personally think a twin mattress on your floor and sitting beside your child (a child that is nearly 3!) until they fall asleep is a really bad habit to get into but you don't see me quoting your post and giving you a hard time, do you?

pattymcgillin

Ladies, ladies... phew.  This is one of the reasons I don't like posting to these types of sites.  Ugh. Anyway, I agree with both of you and I am at the point where I think this weekend I will get down to business and really put my foot down.  The reason we upgraded him to a toddler bed at the point that we did it at was because he was climbing out of his crib and I was really afraid he was going to hurt himself. If I was to do all over again I would have put a net at the top of the crib to keep him climbing because I agree that my LO (not everyone's) is too young to be in a toddler bed.  He says that he's scared and he prob just feels like he needs more protection.   

Your advise has helped.  I feel a little more strong and confident to handle this. 

Bigboobsmcgee

pattymcgillin said:

Ladies, ladies... phew.  This is one of the reasons I don't like posting to these types of sites.  Ugh. Anyway, I agree with both of you and I am at the point where I think this weekend I will get down to business and really put my foot down.  The reason we upgraded him to a toddler bed at the point that we did it at was because he was climbing out of his crib and I was really afraid he was going to hurt himself. If I was to do all over again I would have put a net at the top of the crib to keep him climbing because I agree that my LO (not everyone's) is too young to be in a toddler bed.  He says that he's scared and he prob just feels like he needs more protection.   

Your advise has helped.  I feel a little more strong and confident to handle this. 

Good!

One other thing that helped when I put my son in a twin bed was putting a pool noodle under the fitted sheet so he wouldn't roll off the bed and it was a small barrier for him. Just a thought.

tracij12

Hope you made some headway this weekend OP. We put DD1 in a toddler bed at about this age (maybe a few months earlier) because she was potty trained and we wanted to be sure she could get up at night to come in our room when she had to use the bathroom.

I did what you are doing for a few weeks and then couldn't take it any more. Not sure I'd have had the patience if I was pregnant so kudos to you for that.

I certainly don't have the silver bullet for this issue but for us it took a combination of time, consistency and my husbands stern voice .

We set a very specific routine - she could pick her bedtime story and 1 lullaby to sing and then we'd talk about what a "big day" she had the next day to get her excited for what was to come when she woke. Most nights she was still awake when I left the room. If she came out I would take her back in once. Second time she came out (or cried/yelled out) dad would go in.

I would say it was a 3 mo process getting her settled into an easier bedtime routine and she slept like a champ after that. (Until her little sister came 5 weeks ago and now we are dealing with some major bedtime regression....ugh!)

SLGILL1978

I am a big believer in transition babies (I still considered my toddler my baby) when they are ready. As long as my daughter goes to sleep or lays down, I don't really care where it is. We bed share. We are currently TTC#2 and if I get pregnant we would continue to bedshare then as well. I don't think it's a bad habit if you lay down with him until he falls asleep. That's what he needs at this moment. It's not like you'll be sleeping on his floor forever. Just generally speaking.

I am also not a believer in schedules unless they are school ages. By following my daughter's lead/cue since birth, her body has naturally developed in a loose "routine" that I can easily follow even now that she is 2.5 years. I just don't believe in forcing my child (regardless of age) on doing things that they may not be developmentally ready for. I don't think any babies/kids are "crappy" sleepers. Sleeping is developmental as well as self soothing. 

tracij12

@SLGILL1978 it's funny because I totally have the same philosophy about almost all aspects of parenting (I have an almost 4 yo and a 6 wk old) except sleep. I'm famous for telling my IRL mom friends who are tying to potty train to give it time because "you don't see many high schoolers still wearing diapers".
Not sure why exactly I feel differently about sleep but I will share that my sister has 3 girls - 9, 3 and 18 mo - and all of them still sleep in her room. Some of that is her choice, but seeing that definitely freaked me out a bit

SLGILL1978

tracij12 said:

@SLGILL1978 it's funny because I totally have the same philosophy about almost all aspects of parenting (I have an almost 4 yo and a 6 wk old) except sleep. I'm famous for telling my IRL mom friends who are tying to potty train to give it time because "you don't see many high schoolers still wearing diapers". Not sure why exactly I feel differently about sleep but I will share that my sister has 3 girls - 9, 3 and 18 mo - and all of them still sleep in her room. Some of that is her choice, but seeing that definitely freaked me out a bit

I also think it depends on the individual baby/child. For the first 6-7 weeks of my daughter's life, I did things I "thought" I was supposed to do. I was against using pacifier, co sleeping, etc. But in the end that's what my daughter needed. Once I let go of everything I thought I should do and just followed my daughter's lead, it was a lot less stressful and we were both much happier. There was a big difference in my daughter once I did that.