Just need to vent a little

cammlyn · September 2015

I am officially a crazy lady... I am honestly contemplating going to the ER with abdominal cramps ( they are not cramps like I had with my mmc in may just twinges that are making me very anxious) just so I would be able to get an ultrasound to see that my baby is okay. I understand this is not ethical and I will not be doing it and I feel like a crazy person even thinking about it.

Number two I just keep watching ultrasounds on youtube.. and listening to youtube videos of home fetal Dopplers. I have even been on Amazon and put one in my cart knowing good and well that at 5w5d I would not be able to hear any thing at all.

I have anxiety every time I feel a little discharge.. sorry tmi... I am paranoid that it is blood. So much that I have to drop what ever I am doing and just go to the bathroom to check everything out.

I am having gas pain, as a nurse I know that it is gas pain... but I overthink it and try and remember what I felt back in May and then I get so mad at myself because I cant remember. I I have worked so hard to block out those memories that it is all foggy.

Also I am super horny... I just want to have sex with my husband but I can't because after sex was when I started bleeding last time and I can not risk that... knowing that we could not have prevented it it is almost like I can't enjoy sex because I am worried that it will bring on a miscarriage again.

In summary.... I feel like a crazy lady over here... just sitting and waiting for 2 more weeks until and ultrasound... taking my progesterone... hoping I am doing enough to help our baby hold on and just stay put..

MandyMost · September 2015

I also frantically check to see if I'm bleeding, and assume anything I feel is blood! Even though I haven't bleed even a spot since my last period, i just can't get it out of my head.

For me, the worst part is that my first miscarriage we discovered was not viable on the u/s at about 7 weeks. I didn't have any signs at the time, that I was aware of, that things weren't going well. Now I'm 6w1d along, and I just have no reason to believe that my first u/s will be any different than the last time. I feel like I'm just waiting to find out it's not viable.

I had a chemical pregnancy in between the current one, and the first one with the 7 week miscarrage. And right before I took a test and got the bfp this time we got some bloodwork back on my husband that a chromosome abnormality is the reasons for the miscarriages. There's a chance we could have a normal pregnancy, but I believe it is a small chance.

cammlyn · September 2015

So many thoughts and good vibes headed your way. I had bleeding last time from about 5w4d until the the us at 8 weeks that showed fetal death at 7ish weeks. So I just feel like I am headed down the same road even though I have had no bleeding no spotting or anything.

campbaby76 · September 2015

Our brains are powerful things!!! I have the same thoughts. My defense is to have something each week to plan for and look forward to. This weekend a football game. Next weekend friends coming into town, the next my nieces bday party. I feel like if I can think about and be excited about other things it kind of takes me outside of my own head. Hugs ladies! It's so so so hard.

cammlyn · September 2015

My head is my worst enemy. It just won't stop.

cmerribury · September 2015

Oh honey. I feel your pain. Everything you said. Everything. Sending lots of thoughts and good wishes to you.

cammlyn · September 2015

@cmerribury you have no idea to know how much it means to just know that you are not alone. Maybe we are not crazy after all

spatter1 · September 2015

Ditto to what @cmerribury said! I relate to every single thing you said @cammlyn . Any time I feel a little discharge I freak out even thought I've had zero bleeding and also had none with my MMC. Last week I was so crampy I was practically giving myself panic attacks. I've had very few symptoms and while I should probably just be grateful, instead I'm paranoid that not puking and my boobs not tripling in size means something's wrong! I'm also terrified to have sex with my husband. If something bad happens after I'm afraid I'll be scarred for life.

I think most if not all of us can relate very closely to how you feel so even though it is horrible, we aren't alone!

The wait for the first us was the hardest part for me so far. I hope time speeds up for you so you can get at least a little relief!!!

cammlyn · September 2015

@spatter1 thank you so much. The support here really is what gets me by day to day. I work at a hospital so I have around 4 days off a week and when it falls like a long strech off the days drag by.

I am trying to take the off days and pretty much do nothing but lay around and do lite house work.

I would really just love to have sex with my husband lol

On the plus side tonight I am nauseous and feel like I could blow chunks at anytime and as bad as I feel it is an ease of anxiety for a little while

PlainJane8350 · September 2015

If you're worried, then I think it's perfectly fine to call your doctor and ask for a quick ultrasound. I'd run in when my doctor wasn't in. It was dead, so the nurse would sneak me in for a quick ultrasound. Just be honest and explain your anxiety. I went to L&D once and they strapped monitors to my stomach, but disappointingly no ultrasound.

cammlyn · September 2015

I asked for a peace of mind ultrasound and he said everything was going prefect he really wanted to wait until 7 weeks. Which I understand but it is just a long 2 weeks of nothing but worry.

cmerribury · September 2015

@cammlyn it may be because he's worried that there won't be much to see yet (sometimes you can't even see the heartbeat until well into the 6th week) and that this may cause you more stress. it's so hard to wait, but you are not alone. feel free to post here all the time for support! i'm going nuts right now waiting for my panorama results to come back (should have been in yesterday)...i'm so edgy and stressed. i've been trying to read and watch funny things on tv to keep my mind off of it, but it doesn't always work. hang in there, you're doing well, mama!

cammlyn · September 2015

Yeah logically I know that and accept that but it still does not ease my anxiety lol I would but so much happier of this nausea would turn into throwing my toe nails up all day lol how sick and twisted is that.

Katieelliott0501 · September 2015

Sending you lots of good vibes! Some days are really tough. I freak out about something or another constantly, but am trying to find little things to get excited about. Today, it was a catalogue that came in the mail with the cutest baby clothes and it made me forget all my worries for once today!!

BKNJN · September 2015

@cammlyn I think we are all a little crazy! Loss will do that to a person!!

Take deep breaths and know you aren't alone. I cringe at nearly everything that could potentially go wrong. I'm so glad we have this board to share how it's going. Thinking of you!

Oh, and speaking of wanted an ultrasound, I switched providers (my old one wasn't working out anyway) so that I could get another new ultrasound at 10 weeks. I just needed to hear and see the heartbeat again.

cammlyn · September 2015

I thought about that but I really don't want to swap groups I love my OB. He is amazing and really tolerates my "I'm a nurse I know just enough to panic" attitude lol

christianmom83 · October 2015

@cammlyn you are not alone my friend. @BKNJN is right! Experiencing a loss does this to a person! I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind everyday with all the anxiousness I feel. Just take it one day at a time and choose to believe that the baby is perfect and all is going to be just fine. There is power in our words! I know it's hard though.