Delivery room problem

kajensen04

Hi Everyone!

I have a dilemma!!! I only want my husband in the delivery room, but my mother has other plans.

Here's a little background:

When I had my son 4 years ago I had the same plan, but when my hubby posted to FB we where at the hospital my mother showed up unannounced. I had already told her weeks before it was just going to be me & my husband for this special moment, but when the time came she acted like the conversation never happened. To make things worse she completely ruined the experience for me. 1) She talked about herself and her birth experiences the entire time. 2) When the contractions got really bad I lashed out at her for smothering me. To this day I will never live down how I was "such a bitch" to her when I was giving birth. 3) My husband was so uncomfortable. He felt like he could relax. And finally 4) as soon as I pushed the baby out she was gone because she was so exhausted from being in the hospital all day. She barely held the baby and didn't even say goodbye to me.

My relationship with my mother is very strained. We're not close and never really have been. So this is where I need help. How do I tell her I don't want her in the delivery room and mean it this time? She's already trying to guilt trip me into having the baby wear the outfit she picked to go home in. I don't know what to do!

archetypeblonde

Couldn't you just not tell her you're in labor at all, and let her know when you are ready for visitors?

kajensen04

I thought about that, but I know for sure my mother in law would spill the beans.

I feel like I'm screwed no matter how I handle the situation.

slm1620

Can you tell the nurses/staff that you don't want her in there? They may be willing to ask her to leave without you having to say a word.

deviduke412

You have 2 options: Tell no1 when you go into labor. That's what we are doing. Or, have the nurses be the bad guys and don't let her back. If you tell them you want no visitors until you give the ok, they will gladly enforce this for you. Just tell her no and be honest with her that you want this to be an experience for just you and hubby. If she doesn't listen, the nurses won't let her back.

drummondst

Agree with previous posters. It's a shame the medical team didn't kick her out last time! Don't let it happen again this time - it's your husbands job to make sure she doesn't get into the delivery suite! You might be a bit preoccupied...!

Thj417

Tell your hubs to stay off Facebook and not tell his mom until after baby arrives. It's your turn to have things your way. It's not like they can do anything anyway, you're the one doing all the work.

kat+1

Don't post it on Facebook or tell anyone. Just go have the baby then makes your calls.

We chose not to tell anyone I was in labour. I even lied to people who asked so that we could have the birth we wanted. I chose to call my mom and sisters after I laboured and knew birth was soon. Told them all that the nurses had been instructed to NOT let anyone in. So there was no point in coming they would be wasting their time if they tried to come.


This time I live 2000 Kms from my family and my mom said she was going to come stay with us to help with DS. Then said on the condition she be at the birth. I had to tell her that she was not going to be in the birth. She's pissed not coming at all and won't talk to me, but just like your mom my mom would cause issues during birth and I can't trust her to have me in mind during this time.

Stand strong and know once baby is here she will stop her petty crap.

nakoppel

I agree with PP, let the nurses and hospital staff be the bad guys. Tell them AS SOON AS YOU GET THERE no vistlrs except DH. Let them be your bouncers.

tarheelgirl8

Personally I disagree with the idea of not telling her you're in labor at all. We will be telling my family and if they want to sit in the waiting room at the hospital for hours that's up to them. Both of our parents live so close that I'll be encouraging them not to waste their time but it's up to them. My sister had complications during her birth, and god forbid the same thing happen with me, my mom would never forgive me for not telling her I was even there. Not that she can do anything to help, but still.

You and DH are adults, just be honest with her about it and stick to your guns. And like PP have said make sure the nurses know about the situation and have them help kick her out if needed. they'll be happy to play the bad guys. I'm sure it happens all the time.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

aleecats

I don't think it's fair that you have to deny yourself posting it if that's how you want to go about it. Your mother is a grown woman and should be able to see that and think "my daughter asked me not to be there I should respect that". Unfortunately I know that isn't how it happened, tell her this time you want no visitors and that you've informed your doctor and will inform the nursing staff upon arrival that you want no visitors until you give the okay and it will be heavily inforced. That will hopefully detour her from coming when she sees it since she'll already know even if she tries it won't work, and I would wait to post anything until you've informed the staff no one but DH that way she can't beat you there or get there before they know not to let her in!

Good luck!

ElleMF728

Tell the nurses you don't want anyone in the room except DH.  Problem solved.  I'll never understand why so many family members feel entitled to impose on such a private moment for Mom and Dad without an invite.  

cseley321

The nurses will handle it if you ask them to.  Don't change your routine on her behalf.  I just wouldn't announce labor starting until you've been admitted into the room.

candicejeff2013

Straight forward honesty is the best way. For me at least. Because when you "beat around the bush" it might be unclear to them whether or not you want them there. So until she knows what you want, maybe this is her way of showing support and love.

hjenkii

I wouldn't post to fb until you were super close to having her. Like about to have to start pushing. That way its not an issue.

lifesabeach85

I would cover all your bases. First, don't tell anyone you're going to the hospital. Next, tell the nurses no visitors. Finally, tell your mom that is the way it's going to be now. She may bitch about how you didn't tell her or let her in but, that is her being immature.

benmel31

I think you should just tell her no. There is not a chance that I would want anyone in the room besides my husband. She needs to be told that and respect it. Back this up by making sure the nurses don't allow her in the room. And if she does show up anyway, your DH needs to tell her to leave the room and wait in the waiting room.  

It sounds as though you do want her to see the baby after the birth. Tell her this if it will help her still feel a part of the experience.

hgarlick

I think if she's in the waiting room with everyone else they will help support your decision. Reinforcing that it's a private/special time for you and your husband. Then she's also hearing it from others, which could and help the whole point sink in a little better to her. Good luck!

hollyberri

I'm pretty sure you and I have the same mother, LOL. My plan is to have my mom in charge of occupying my 2 year old while we're in labor, and I have a back up plan if she's not able to get there in time (the back-up being more solid). 

Definitely make sure your birth plan says "The only people who can attend are..." so the hospital staff can refer to it and  say "Sorry ma'am, you are not on the list."

Personally, I am fortunate that my MIL is a calming force and my excuse for having her in there is in case my husband needs someone. She's attended a lot of births, including my last one, and it was really helpful for her to be there for us. Good luck Momma! I commiserate on so many levels!

emmacake08

Personally if I had any family member call me a bitch while birthing my own child, there would be no concern of that person's feelings by me anymore. I think a simple no you're not coming and if you show up, the nurses aren't letting you back. If she argues, remind her how many times she's called you a bitch just to drive the point home....

augboy

I was in the same boat you're in. Mine was gone right after I birthed my first 3, refused for it to happen this time. And then she constantly made fun of my vagina at get togethers for opening to birth a baby (yes I'm serious!). And she never comes around my kids. I had to get mean to her about the jokes after a while. So I didn't let anyone know the time I was going in or when I went in til after. This time I was a lot older and basically didnt care if anyone got mad because it's about me and my husband. He didn't want anyone there and I happily went along. It was so peaceful!!! And the time alone was amazing!! I wish I would've kept everyone out with every birth! And people will get over it. If they don't then they're selfish and immature. And you don't need that extra stress anyways. Btw i was going to let the nurses do my dirty work if my mother didn't get what I told her. She was very upset. And she didn't show up at all.

AshK1027

Don't let her know you're in labor or at the hospital. She can know once Baby is here. If you're planning on letting your MIL be around for labor/waiting, have DH explain that y'all want here there, but not to post about it or anything of the sort. Don't stress yourself. You clearly know what YOU want and you are entitled to the birth you're comfortable with.

AshleyM0125

My mom also did the whole showing up randomly thing. It made me so mad. I was induced and she knew I didn't want her in there (she was a little offended, but I explained to her that it was something DH and I had to do as a family). I was mostly worried about lashing out at her like you did (I would have been awful, I'm sure). She came wandering into the delivery room and DH and I just kind of looked at each other. I was only having mild contractions at the time, so I let her stay, but as soon as contractions started really hitting me, DH told her it was time to go. She wasn't happy about it, but she did comply. If your SO doesn't want to say anything, have the nurses do it. I had several of them tell me that they don't mind at all.

She did make a point to tell me how tired she was from being in the room all night and how exhausted my husband was, too. She said "I don't know if you realize, but he's been right there with you in the room the entire time." Really. I hadn't noticed the father of my child holding my hand and rubbing my back and being the only thing I could focus on for 28 hours.

I love my mom, but she is so frustrating sometimes. I just wonder if I will end up being like her towards my kids...

[-X

gella1

I had a similar situation when I had my son 4 years ago. This time around we told everyone that they are more than welcome to sit in the waiting room but the no visitors in l&d will be strictly enforced by my husband and the hospital staff. We also made sure that there will be no visitors until after our son gets to spend some time with his new sibling and we will text everyone when it is ok to come visit..
Hopefully with the help of the hospital staff and your husband you can have the l&d that you want and deserve.
Good luck!!

talisha1992

Since you've already told her that you want it to just be you and your husband I would make it clear to hospital staff that the only people you want in the room is you and him. It's harsh but hospital staff will not feel guilty telling your mother no. In the u.k here they are very blunt and whatever you request is honoured. Good luck

LEGALLYblonde86

Tell the nurses not to let her in and dontvpost on facebook. I had a similar situation 6 years ago when DD was born and mom still thinks its appropriate to tell people about the sights, sounds and smells of that day. This time I put her in charge of DD while im in labor so she cant just show up. Good luck

Kwest1007

augboy said:

I was in the same boat you're in. Mine was gone right after I birthed my first 3, refused for it to happen this time. And then she constantly made fun of my vagina at get togethers for opening to birth a baby (yes I'm serious!). And she never comes around my kids. I had to get mean to her about the jokes after a while. So I didn't let anyone know the time I was going in or when I went in til after. This time I was a lot older and basically didnt care if anyone got mad because it's about me and my husband. He didn't want anyone there and I happily went along. It was so peaceful!!! And the time alone was amazing!! I wish I would've kept everyone out with every birth! And people will get over it. If they don't then they're selfish and immature. And you don't need that extra stress anyways. Btw i was going to let the nurses do my dirty work if my mother didn't get what I told her. She was very upset. And she didn't show up at all.

That's horrible!! I think I'd disown my mom if she made fun of my vagina during birth!! Wth!