Personal experiences with a large age gap between children?

sldp123

Hello. I'm new to the community and recently married. I have a son from a previous marriage who turned 7 in June. DH and I are planning to start TTC in the next few months, but even if I am able to get pregnant right away, DS would be 8 or a few months older when new baby arrived. Knowing that it could take a year or more to become pregnant, he may even be 9 or older, which concerns me. I always pictured having 2 or 3 kids close in age, but of course life doesn't always work out the way we plan. 

Can anyone offer any thoughts about having children with a large age gap like this, or did anyone grow up with siblings with a similar age gap? Ideally, I would like to have two more children, who would be close in age, as I'm almost 34. But then I worry about my older DS feeling left out. Obviously, that's not something I need to worry about yet, since I'm not even pregnant with a second child yet, but I can't help thinking about these things. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

ska8471

I don't have children, but I do come from a large family of siblings. 

My oldest sister is almost 30 and my youngest just turned 18. I am 8 years older than my youngest sibling and I did feel a little bit like a baby sitter for a few of my teen years because my parents would leave us older two to babysit all summer (in retrospect, it wasn't that bad).  But now that we're all 18+ I don't really notice the age gap anymore.

I guess it wasn't a big deal growing up either, I recall playing with them when I was younger and they were toddlers and helping with homework, etc. as they got older. I don't recall any jealously or feeling left out because I was older, but I also had a lot of my own stuff going on in middle school/high school (girl scouts, sports, etc).

The older kids in my family were always taught that they were/are role models for the younger ones, so we kind of felt like we all had a role?  I think I just took on kind of a "mom" role, without realizing it until I was older. 

I did have a step-sibling a couple years younger than me, but I don't think the closeness in age really mattered much in our family.

I'm not sure that was in any way helpful, but I am sure if you have chats with the older son about a new baby/sibling and involve them in things throughout the pregnancy (we went to my moms ultrasounds, for example) and get them to help out and be involved when the baby's born then they won't as feel left out/will feel like they kind of have a role/place in the family. I don't think my parents did much more than that!

I understand your concerns about age gap, but I think you'll do a great job since you're already considering how a much younger sibling can impact your son. 

BlueBirdMB

Of all of my friends, the one who has always had the best relationship with her sibling is my one friend whose brother is 13 years older.  It's just the two of them and since she was little, they were extremely close and still are as adults.  I think a large age gap is great because the older child can truly appreciate the younger one.  My cousin just had a baby and her daughter was 6 years old.  She ADORES the baby.  It's adorable to see!

satuttle1014

I wouldn't be worried about the age gap, of course ideal for many is to have siblings close in age. I grew up with my brother who was 5 years older than me and sister was 7 years older than me. Your son will be the perfect age to babysit sooner When they are younger it may be different because they won't have the same friends, be in the same school, like the same things, etc but I don't think it was a bad thing. I still played with my siblings even with the age gap. I became super close with them when they went off to college because I did not see them all the time and was excited when they came home for break. 

My siblings were excited when I was born, they were 5 and 7 and would run into the nursery everyday asking if I was here yet. There will be a bond that develops and it may change throughout their years but as they get older I only see it getting better.

sldp123

Thank you, everyone! These comments make me feel better about the situation. 

BlueBirdMB

Honestly, if we decide to have another, there will be a large gap on purpose because I want time for the older child to have my full attention and I feel that they will have a better relationship with a larger age gap.  Plus built in babysitter!  College costs are spread out too... 

Ebony844

My oldest child is 20 and my youngest child is 17 months (I'm also pregnant with another baby due in August). I never had any problems with the large age gap; to be honest I'd rather have a large age gap than a small one. And as BlueBird said, you have your own babysitter and college fees aren't as stressful!

jenfarm3

I grew up with a very big age gap between my siblings and I. My dad had 5 kids with his first wife, and they started really young... I think they had their first when he was 15. He divorced and met my mom about 20 years later. My mom was previously told she wouldn't be able to have children after complications with a tubal pregnancy, etc. But when she met my dad, he already had 5 kids and that was fine. She like, 'OK, well, I guess I'll do the step mom thing.' But then I happened. Surprise!

The age gap between me and the youngest from the first group was at least 10 years. At least. (I don't know my siblings specific ages. By simple math, I know that my oldest sister is about 48, my youngest sister is probably about 40ish. I'm 28, so I guess it's about 12ish year difference?) I grew up, basically, as an only child. My other siblings were around very briefly when I was really young. I have pictures and some slight memory of one of my brothers living with us while he went to high school and I was 3 years old. 

That side of the family isn't close at all, so that didn't help anything, but yeah. The age gap was interesting. My sisters started having kids very young (they were crazy), and my oldest niece was born when I was only 6 months old. So my sister and mom were pregnant together. I have multiple nieces and nephews that were within about 5 years age difference for me. So, I almost grew up with my nieces and nephews being more siblings to me than my real siblings. SO WEIRD. Lol. 

My parents eventually divorced when I was in first grade and my dad moved back up to Washington (from Oregon). When I went up to spend summers and vacations with him, my sisters would babysit me and I'd hang out with my nieces and nephews. Haha. It was a trip to tell their friends "This is my aunt. She's my mom's sister." Blew all the other kids away. 

Idk. That's just my life. It's definitely a unique experience, but I see nothing wrong with it. People always find it funny or interesting when I share that bit about me. If anything, depending on how responsible your oldest is, they're an extra set of hands to help with the younger ones. And they can be a really great role model for your younger ones. 

vanessa11411

DD was 8 when I had DS. DD is from a previous relationship as well. I really loved that I had that large of a gap. She was my little helper. I involved her in as much stuff as possible so she wouldn't feel left out. She loves her brother. I always told her that my brother was a real jerk to me for my whole life and that siblings shouldn't treat each other like that. They have the relationship that I wish I would have had. 

Fast forward to now....DD is 11 and is a pre-teen and she loves her brother but they kinda do their own thing now. She's already at the "I don't want to hand out with you guys" stage. We're trying for one more and both DD and DS are really excited that they'll be getting another sibling.

Disneygeek77

I also come from a large family as I am the oldest of 7.  There is about a six year gap between 3 and 4 and I was actually 9 when number 4 was born.  I feel somewhat close to all of my siblings and age wasn't that much a difference.  I just related to them in different ways.  Some I played with more,  some I looked out for more, some I helped provide for or " co-parent" .

JenandJosh1310

My sister is 14 years younger than me. I loved having a baby around until we had to share a room haha. my parents "wouldnt hear" her cry and id be up trying to get her back to sleep. When she got bigger we had bunk beds until i moved out at 21. My mom used her as birth control (she told me this) and had me take her everywhere when i was in high school which i hated at the time- people thought she was mine and made all sorts of comments to me and i just was at that age where i wanted freedom. Ive told my mom her birth control idea backfired bc i never wanted kids bc of it (she doesnt know ive had a change of heart). I love her and its funny now to see what being a teenager is like nowadays but i used to resent her when i was younger. I have a friend in a sorta similar age gap sitation, more like 10 yrs, but she didnt have to watch her brother that much and just loved having a baby around bc it wasnt her responsibility.

patriciahomol

I have two older sisters, they are 11 and 12 years older than me. Now that I'm older I am extremely close with them. Growing up they were more like little moms to me and babysat me often. As I grew we became closer and have remained close. 

MrsRo731

PBorgstede91 said:

I have two older sisters, they are 11 and 12 years older than me. Now that I'm older I am extremely close with them. Growing up they were more like little moms to me and babysat me often. As I grew we became closer and have remained close. 

This is my situation, too, except my sister is 12 years older and my brother 14 years older. I'm extremely close with my sister and have been for awhile; I'm not quite as close with my brother, but I don't think the age gap has anything to do with that. Both of them had children a little later which means all of our kids are range from 18 months through 7 years. I always thought my kids would end up being so much younger than theirs but it didn't work out that way! I think whatever age gap there is, you will make it work and you will find lots of pros/cons. Good luck to you!

CrunchyMidwife

I am the 2nd oldest of eleven.
A 9month gap between me and my older brother
4 year gap
5 year gap
7 year gap
8 year gap(twins)
12 year gap(twins)
15 year gap
16 year gap (twins)
I can tell you, I love all of my siblings with all of my heart. I thought it was weird when my parents had the last three because I was so old! The pre-teen -13 age range was hard, I was kind of mean but once I matured more our relationships got even better.

jrecine

I'm the oldest of 5 children, and my youngest sister is 6 years old, so there's about a 13 year age gap between us. I actually loved having a younger sister that wanted to look up to me and do fun activities together.
However for my own children I do want them all fairly close in age.

aumielee

Thank you all so much for all of this information. I am currently pregnant, due in May, and my son will be 15. I was a single mother the first 12 years of my son's life, so I am still struggling with how well he will share his mom. But it is nice to hear that so many grew up in similar situations, and feel so close to their siblings. 

Tennis11785

I have two siblings: one is 12 years older and the other is 15 years old. Overall, I enjoy having siblings that were so much older than me and I'm really close to both of them.  Here were my main pros/cons.  

Cons

• When I was really little, I wished a had a sibling closer to my age to play with all the time. Especially on family trips.  But I had friends from school that I hung out with a lot and that worked/I was happy. 
  
• My oldest sibling and I went through a bit of a phase where it felt like she was being a second parent. Looking back, she was just looking out for me.  But when she busted me in HS cutting school and told my mom, I was PISSED. 

Pros

• When I was little, my older siblings were really cool about taking me to do fun stuff that my parents wouldn't necessarily do.  Plus, it was way cooler to go see a movie with my sister than it would be with my parent.  It was like "cooler" parental supervision. 
• My sister served as a great role model for me, introducing me to cool bands that my parents didn't know existed, giving me my first sip of alcohol in a controlled and safe environment, teaching me to drive, etc.  

maddaddam

I am the oldest of four kids. I have one brother who I share both parents with who is 2 years younger than me. Later, my mom remarried and had two more children - a brother 9 years younger than me and a sister 10 years younger.

FWIW, at least in our situation, the only two of us who are close are my youngest sister and I. I get along with my other two brothers just fine, and we have a good time at the occasional family get together, but we don't have anything in common and don't talk much.

amandagil

My SO is the oldest of 3. He is 28 his brother is 18 and his sister is 9.

Then my cousin is 16 and her sister just turned 5 I believe.

In both cases the dynamic seems a lot different. Each sibling kind of has the "only child" deal but also siblings to help them out when needed. Almost the best of both worlds.

But I know growing up no matter how much we fought it was kind of nice having my younger brother around sometimes. We could at least entertain each other

Kaytee1087

My situation is similar, except the age gap is a little smaller. My DD is 6, will turn 7 in June, and she is from a previous relationship so this will be my husband's first. I have an appointment to take out my Mirena next week.  My family tends to be pretty fertile (DD was an accident when I wasn't keeping up on my BC like I should have; my mom get pregnant with my brother and me right when they decided to try) but it'll be hard to say because everyone is so different.

DH has a half-sister who is 13 years older than him and another sister in between them who is 4 years older than him. We actually lived with his oldest sister in a duplex for a while and of the two she's my favorite. They get along great and even though she was kind of the "mom" to him when he was younger, I think that is why they have the bond they have. He remembers being loved and cared for by her, instead of with his middle sister they were always fighting and arguing because they were closer in age so in school and friends and cars and dumb stuff.

My coworker just a baby and her older DS is 10, so I think it's more common than we realize.

I too wish I could have had my little ones closer in age, but like you said life doesn't always work the way you plan. Here's hoping we get that BFP sooner than later!

YogaSandy

I don't like the "built in babysitter" answer. I am 10 years older than my sister. I had to babysit her and my brother (only 3 years younger) A LOT. I did get paid. But I hated the assumption that I would just have to do it whenever (unless of course I was working). That's not really fair. Dad worked shift work, mom had various things going on in the evenings. Now, it's not a big deal. Then I didn't even mind doing it, I just hated the assumption (wrong word but it's the best I've got) that I would.

I love both my siblings. My sister and I weren't really close because I moved away for university when she was 8. She's told my mom that she doesn't remember me living in the house. We're close now, but I have to admit, I don't really see her as an adult; I still see her as a little kid, probably because there was such an age difference.

maddaddam

YogaSandy said:

I don't like the "built in babysitter" answer. I am 10 years older than my sister. I had to babysit her and my brother (only 3 years younger) A LOT. I did get paid. But I hated the assumption that I would just have to do it whenever (unless of course I was working). That's not really fair. Dad worked shift work, mom had various things going on in the evenings. Now, it's not a big deal. Then I didn't even mind doing it, I just hated the assumption (wrong word but it's the best I've got) that I would.

I love both my siblings. My sister and I weren't really close because I moved away for university when she was 8. She's told my mom that she doesn't remember me living in the house. We're close now, but I have to admit, I don't really see her as an adult; I still see her as a little kid, probably because there was such an age difference.

Totally agree with the built in babysitter comment.

In contrast to this, I will just say that my youngest sister (10.5 yrs younger) and I are very good friends. We have a combination sister-daughter-niece type relationship, largely because we were a one parent household and I helped raise her, but I don't have trouble seeing her as an adult. In fact, I find that I am extraordinarily proud of the person she has become, and I love having her around as an adult now.

TingLeong

I grow up in a family where every children are taught to take care of themselves since young. idk...but in my family 5 years old are fine all by themselves if they're at home. usually left with some older siblings but they do their own activity most of the time and completely ignoring each others

MsMae79

I will be in the same boat, I have three children from my first marriage. Ages 9, 7 and 5. They are close in age but when we start to try for a baby all the kids will be much older! I am worried they won't be as close to these siblings :-(   

NYTino24

I am the oldest of 5 girls. Four of us were born within 4 years and the last sister is 8 years younger than me. I helped change her diapers and feed her bottles and baby food. I remember driving her to the mall, the ice cream shop, and even to go pick out toys with my babysitting money. I think it was when I went to college that the age difference was really noticeable. I was even her substitute teacher when she was in middle school! It wasn't a big deal, but I had to make an effort to try to bond with her once she wasn't my baby doll anymore. It did help that we were the same gender. There is nothing you can do about it now. Just encourage them to spend time together while they are young!

zizzabell523

I have a brother who's 7 years older than me and is my only sibling. Growing up, he was a great brother. Sure, we had our sibling squabbles, but what siblings don't? A couple of my fondest memories are playing legos (his castle and knights would attack my pink hotel village occasionally) and playing basketball in the back yard.

Once he hit high school though, the fun subsided. I don't think it had anything to do with the age gap, it was just my brother's teenage personality. Also, activities became a challenge, between my dance classes and recitals and his soccer/wrestling practices and games, Mom was running everywhere. She was a SAHM, I don't know if we could have gotten everywhere we needed to if she had worked. Then, he went off to college and I basically became an only child with an "uncle" who came home to do laundry every once in a while. I became very lonely and missed having a playmate. We've since lost connections (other than the occasional message on Facebook) and only see each other at major holidays, mainly due to being 400 miles apart.

This is just in my experience having a much older sibling. DH and I don't plan on having such a large age gap (his sister is 7 years older than him, too) based on our personal experiences. However, I do know of friends with large age gaps with their siblings and they get along great, even after high school! Just be prepared for the slump once your son moves out - it'll be rough on you, but remember it'll also be rough on your other child(ren), too.