Paranoia, Paranoia, Every Body's Coming to get me...Okay, not really...

BookNerd612

Soo...my husband and I are TTC, which has led me to do a ton of research and actually pay attention to things that my friends who have kids have been posting on Facebook.  Obviously, I understand that it's a good idea to find a good OB/GYN for the duration of your pregnancy and aftercare (I'm actually thinking of switching).  But I read these posts about OB's forcing women into C-Sections that they don't really need, not giving medicine when requested because the mother refused the first time it was offered, etc.  I'm getting knots in my stomach thinking about all the things that could do wrong and finding myself not enjoying the experience.  I'm not charting yet because we just started trying and I don't want all sex to turn into a job.  I'd like to keep things in the bedroom (and other parts of the house) fun.  Any suggestions before I pull my hair out?

letyourheartbeyourguide

Welcome! There are a lot of great resources on this board, so I'd suggest reading past threads to get some info and a feel for things.

A few things I'd suggest:

1. Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It's the health class / sex ed that every woman should have had, but didn't.

2. I know said you don't want to get into charting, but I'd suggest you reconsider. There's a pretty recent thread about "why I love charting" (or something similar) that has lots of reasons why it actually reduces stress rather than adding to it.

3. Don't worry too much yet about delivery. I've never had a baby, but I'm sure there are resources on the pregnancy boards to help with that when it's relevant.

Good luck!

WinchestertoPittsburgh

Hi! PP made great suggestions, I was even very against charting when we first started but once I figured it out, I can't imagine not utilizing the knowledge it will give you.

Also, if you're concerned about finding a good doctor, do some research online. Many MDs have reviews now online that you can read from previous patients, the bump has local boards where you can ask other members for recommendations, etc.

Quippery

Charting is actually pretty fun!

Also, I would recommend checking if your insurance covers a midwife instead of an OB. They tend to be much more naturally-minded. If you would rather go with an OB (even if you don't) DEFINITELY look into getting a doula.

I would try not to think too far ahead though. One thing at a time! You'll still have plenty of time to plan after you get your BFN.

lalala2004

I'm with you on the scary birth stories. I do want to give birth in a hospital, so it makes me think I probably want a doula. That way I know someone else will be advocating for me besides my husband. My cousin has expressed interest in being my doula, which would be cool to have someone I know/family. 

It's true that lots of things go wrong, but just as often, people have a perfectly normal birth where things go relatively smoothly. Babies are born every day, so I try not to think about all of the possibilities to much. 

It's good to be informed, but just because you know about the possibilities doesn't mean it will happen to you! 

We've done a few things to try to make TTC sex a little more exciting. The first night we were officially trying, we went on a date to our favorite restaurant and I got a little tipsy (he didn't, because that can put a damper on certain important things for sex!) We talked about why we fell in love, why we got married, and why we're so excited to have children with each other. It really took the pressure off to just talk about it in a fun and exciting way. It's a whole new stage in your lives. Yes, it's scary, but scary can be exciting!

I'd say, go above and beyond in trying to make sex exciting, fun and special. Whatever that means in your relationship. 

I prefer to think of charting as just being my thing and what's going on with my body. I may talk about it with my husband some, but it is a separate thing from sex in my mind. I want to have sex with my husband frequently because I want to do that, not because I want a baby. 

I know that was kind of long and convoluted, but I hope it helps!

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

Ask around about doctors. Talk to them about what you want before you decide on one. Don't worry about delivery yet, but know that many hospitals will allow you to submit a birthing plan that outlines what you do and don't want, from who is the room to medication requests to C-section.

You also might want to consider a midwife, who are sometimes more flexible on those things. And consider a doula. Her job is to advocate for you and what you want in delivery.

BookNerd612

Thank you!  I hadn't even thought about a doula or a midwife.  I have friends who are each.  I will definitely have to have a conversation with them!

lalalorelai

While I understand your point about charting, I think you might want to reconsider. I've only been charting for a month, but I have been totally empowered by it. I'm learning new things about my body and I feel more in tune with what's going on than I ever have before. It hasn't turned sex into a job at all!

Also, I second the recommendation of researching a midwife or a doula. I've had a few friends give birth recently and they all have used doulas and absolutely loved it. They said it was SO amazing having someone who knew what they were doing acting as kind of a representative of what they wanted to happen during their labor. It's something my cynical self would have scoffed at a few years ago, but I really think it's worth looking into.

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

OP I just want to add that I love your post title. Now I have that song in my head.

CUtiger09

I did lots of research online when looking for an OB and I asked some friends/family members about their experiences. One thing I really like about my new OB is that he met with me the first time in his office before the exam and asked questions. It made be feel better that he wanted to get to know me and I didn't feel like he was trying to rush me and get it over with. I hope you find someone that you are comfortable with.

As for charting, I felt that it is very helpful because I am not constantly wondering if I am late. I know when/if I ovulated and that lets me know when to expect my period.

I always worry about keeping sex fun, but I try to make an effort to initiate it even when I'm not in my FW just so DH doesn't feel used

Good luck and I hope your stay is short!

R0824H

I totally agree with the PP's about charting, DH & I just started TTC and thought it would be more fun to just wing it the first month... nope it's driving me nuts I wish I started charting right away so I can actually know for sure how many DPO I am so I can start testing ( I already have and let's face it BFN's are a little depressing).

Fertility friend is great and has tons of tutorials, plus the amount of knowledge these ladies have is incredible!

Welcome!!!!

BabyIntegers

Welcome! I also recommend charting temperatures. This is my first cycle doing it and I can say that it has been a lot healthier emotionally to do so. Chart stalking keeps the insanity at bay and you won't be pulling your hair out anymore. 

FF has educational courses that are extremely helpful. 

PrimRoseMama

Way cart before the horse. My OB + Midwife Team has never made me feel forced into anything.

FWIW, I had a med-free birth in 2011 & an epidural with DS in 2013 (after excruciating progress to 9cm, but DS wasn't descending).

I actually had a positive experience with my OB recommending the epi. I was exhausted & starting to freak out. The epi allowed DS to descend & it was extremely smooth sailing from that point on.

The KEY is finding an OB/midwife (in my case a combo) that you trust & feel comfortable with. Interview them. You can call the office & ask for an email of policies & procedures. Talk to other mothers in your area that seem to have your belief system.

This might be a UO, but I think this "omg big-pharma, doctors are out to screw you & rush you" Line can get overwhelming & overly pushy.

I love alternative medicine, natural therapies & unmedicated child birth. I'm a big ol'crunchy hippie about a lot (except vaccinations-- CDC schedule to the letter please).

I think you are arm-flailing unnecessarily.

Minnie1155

CUtiger09 said:

I did lots of research online when looking for an OB and I asked some friends/family members about their experiences. One thing I really like about my new OB is that he met with me the first time in his office before the exam and asked questions. It made be feel better that he wanted to get to know me and I didn't feel like he was trying to rush me and get it over with. I hope you find someone that you are comfortable with.

As for charting, I felt that it is very helpful because I am not constantly wondering if I am late. I know when/if I ovulated and that lets me know when to expect my period.

I always worry about keeping sex fun, but I try to make an effort to initiate it even when I'm not in my FW just so DH doesn't feel used

Good luck and I hope your stay is short!

This is exactly why I love charting! Before charting and realizing ovulate later in my cycle than I thought, every month I was thinking my period was late. It definitely didn't make sex into a job, in some ways i find it makes it less stressful knowing when it is just for fun.

BookNerd612

PrimRoseMama said:

Way cart before the horse. My OB + Midwife Team has never made me feel forced into anything.

FWIW, I had a med-free birth in 2011 & an epidural with DS in 2013 (after excruciating progress to 9cm, but DS wasn't descending).

I actually had a positive experience with my OB recommending the epi. I was exhausted & starting to freak out. The epi allowed DS to descend & it was extremely smooth sailing from that point on.

The KEY is finding an OB/midwife (in my case a combo) that you trust & feel comfortable with. Interview them. You can call the office & ask for an email of policies & procedures. Talk to other mothers in your area that seem to have your belief system.

This might be a UO, but I think this "omg big-pharma, doctors are out to screw you & rush you" Line can get overwhelming & overly pushy.

I love alternative medicine, natural therapies & unmedicated child birth. I'm a big ol'crunchy hippie about a lot (except vaccinations-- CDC schedule to the letter please).

I think you are arm-flailing unnecessarily.

I wouldn't call it unnecessary arm flailing. If that was the case, I wouldn't be on a community board. I would be going to the professionals. I was asking an opinion. I wanted to see if any other person trying to conceive was having the same feelings that I was and what they were doing to cope. I'm obviously not coping with it well and other people have eased my fears.

jtsabo

Minnie1155 said:

CUtiger09 said:

I did lots of research online when looking for an OB and I asked some friends/family members about their experiences. One thing I really like about my new OB is that he met with me the first time in his office before the exam and asked questions. It made be feel better that he wanted to get to know me and I didn't feel like he was trying to rush me and get it over with. I hope you find someone that you are comfortable with.

As for charting, I felt that it is very helpful because I am not constantly wondering if I am late. I know when/if I ovulated and that lets me know when to expect my period.

I always worry about keeping sex fun, but I try to make an effort to initiate it even when I'm not in my FW just so DH doesn't feel used

Good luck and I hope your stay is short!

This is exactly why I love charting! Before charting and realizing ovulate later in my cycle than I thought, every month I was thinking my period was late. It definitely didn't make sex into a job, in some ways i find it makes it less stressful knowing when it is just for fun.

Yeah totally agree with the less stress thing... My anecdotal, possibly tmi story is that recently, after being sick to death of BDing I had my first day that we didn't "have to", we both assumed we would be taking a break but found that we'd no sooner said we didn't have to then proceeded to rip each other's clothes off lol.

Previous months without charting meant that the whole month was filled with potentially "have to" BD so we were pretty much relieved by the time AF came and like "here we go again" when it stopped

PugsandKisses

BookNerd612 said:

PrimRoseMama said:

Way cart before the horse. My OB + Midwife Team has never made me feel forced into anything.

FWIW, I had a med-free birth in 2011 & an epidural with DS in 2013 (after excruciating progress to 9cm, but DS wasn't descending).

I actually had a positive experience with my OB recommending the epi. I was exhausted & starting to freak out. The epi allowed DS to descend & it was extremely smooth sailing from that point on.

The KEY is finding an OB/midwife (in my case a combo) that you trust & feel comfortable with. Interview them. You can call the office & ask for an email of policies & procedures. Talk to other mothers in your area that seem to have your belief system.

This might be a UO, but I think this "omg big-pharma, doctors are out to screw you & rush you" Line can get overwhelming & overly pushy.

I love alternative medicine, natural therapies & unmedicated child birth. I'm a big ol'crunchy hippie about a lot (except vaccinations-- CDC schedule to the letter please).

I think you are arm-flailing unnecessarily.

I wouldn't call it unnecessary arm flailing. If that was the case, I wouldn't be on a community board. I would be going to the professionals. I was asking an opinion. I wanted to see if any other person trying to conceive was having the same feelings that I was and what they were doing to cope. I'm obviously not coping with it well and other people have eased my fears.

She gave you ways to cope. Knowing that a doctor is not going to force you is coping. That those horror labor stories may not be true. She told you that, no, it did not happen to her.

When in labor, my Doctor gave me options. I had to agree to them. It is called consent. Research that, it will help so much more make sense.

When I was a labor nurse, my job was to be the patient's advocate.
I had no problem stopping a Dr. And I could never hold a patient's medical request to be cruel. Now, if there was a reason not to due to safety, I would explain the reason.

You know what would happen if we did all that horrible stuff that people love to say we did? We would not only lose our jobs, but our license.
Honestly, being a bitch to my patients was not worth the time or hassle. It would just have caused more work.

blackgirlmagic

I don't know where you and your DH are in your TTC journey but I would so temp/chart. I just finished my first cycle after BC and it was so relieving knowing when I O'd and when I would be out of the came because AF was coming. You do not always know when you will O and you will never know if you are "late" for AF. You will save some much money on HPT from POAS and stress. I want to get pregnant as soon as possible and I don't want to waste time just trying to get pregnant and then being frustrated at the end of the cycle not knowing anything. Also if you end up having trouble down the road you will then have some proof to show your doctor. Also it takes the stress of having sex everyday because you don't know when you O. With temping you can take the stress out of having sex and can have fun. When you get the hang of when your FW is you can have sex during that week and make that week different from your other time of having sex.
Overall so much less stress.

Everycol0r

Firstly, I'd like to say the above... Calm down!

Second, the majority of the community charts and temps (which I'm sure if you lurked, which I get the feeling you have somewhat, you'd know), so saying you don't want it to turn into a "job" is actually quite offensive. As if we, the persons who do chart and temp, are robots. There is no way to confirm ovulation without temping unless you are being seen consistently by a specialist performing an ultrasound. Does that sound like fun? It's not, let me tell you.

And I have to agree with @primrosemama, very much cart before the horse. You can't look so far ahead that you overlook what's happening today. There are a million stressers out there and I would very much suggest worrying about OBs when the time comes that you are KU. Just try to focus on the now, and worry about the then later.

And FWIW, my OB was fantastic.

hunnybunny17

Hello and good luck! I agree with PPs that charting is a stress reliever and not a stress inducer. It will give you great insight on when you ovulate and how long your luetal phase is. If you ovulate later than normal (and you know that from temping), you won't worry and stress about being "late" with a BFN. Knowledge is power. I don't know about the other ladies here, but for me I'm horniest in my FW so sex doesn't seem like a job. If DH isn't feeling it at the time, he's told me some things I can do to get him in the mood quickly.

PrimRoseMama

@PugsandKisses : another post proves why I love your pretty (and damn sexy logical) face! =D>

@booknerd612 : you post on a public message board with a diverse community, with various experiences then you are going to get a variety, yes?

Tippy05

I do think you're looking too far ahead (which is weird for me to say, because I'm always thinking 10 steps ahead of everybody else and worried about the 'what if's').   Just take a breath - one step at a time.

For now, I would focus your energy on learning about temping and charting and how empowering that can really be.

*** DS MENTIONED ***

I have 2 boys.  I went into my first pregnancy with a "birth plan".  I wanted to give birth vaginally and wanted to try to do it med free.  27 hours later I ended up with a c-section.  It was not what I had planned, it was not what I wanted, but it was what needed to happen.  I loved my Dr and we talked about every decision that was being made.  I never felt pushed or rushed or forced to make a decision I didn't want to.  My second labor was very different, but also ended in a c-section.  He was over 9lbs and I am pretty petite with a narrow pelvis so no amount of pushing would have gotten him out.  It's nice to have a hope for how things will go, but you have to be ready for everything and anything and have to be able to trust your doctor is making the right decision for you and your baby.  

So yes, is it important that you research your doctor or midwife or whatever.  Figure out what best suits your personality.  Talk to other moms in your area.  

I have this quite taped to my refrigerator and look at it every day.  Seriously, every day.

"We have a secret in this culture, and it's not that birth is painful but that women are strong" - Laura Stavoe

PugsandKisses

@Trippy05,

I like that quote, it is lovely.


Thanks @PrimRoseMama, I am blushing now.

MamaBish

Honestly, don't worry about your delivery experience just yet. Definitely cart before the horse as pp have mentioned. Once you do get pg, just focus on having a healthy baby. That's it. Everything else can and may go wrong, and that's ok as long as you and baby come out ok in the end. Finding an ob/midwife can be difficult, but really, they may not be the ones who actually end up delivering the baby anyway. A lot of times it's just whoever happens to be on call that day. And as long as you are vocal, the nurses will help you. Once you get pregnant, you have 9 months (ish) to research and prepare. And personally, going through labor not knowing a damn thing to expect (that is what happened to me - induced at 28 weeks due to fetal death), went ok. I had nothing prepared, no bag packed, I hadn't even read that chapter in the book yet, and I didn't have any idea what was actually going to happen. After that experience, it doesn't matter to me in the slightest how birth goes, as long as baby and I come out ok.

MNturnsVA

I would agree with everything everyone has said also.  The first month of TTC I didn't do anything really other than write down when I had my period.  The 2nd month I bought a BBT but I was lazy about using it.  The 3rd month, I took my temp everyday and used OPKS as well and was starting to pay attention more to CM.  Big difference in my overall mindset and approach to things and now that I've gone a whole cycle and am starting to go into month 4, I have a much better understanding of how things works.  Also, I took a HPT @ 9 DPO and got a BFN.  That was a downer for me and I knew that I was not going to retest for a few more days because I didn't want to go through that again.  My temps started to drop on 11 DPO  and then dropped even more on 12 DPO and AF was here by lunch time on 12 DPO.  Huge relief to not have to take another HPT to get a BFN at another point in the week.   I've shared some things with DH because he asks but I don't want to overly inform him or make him feel used.  We also though were more like weekend only sex people and since we started this journey I've been trying to put more effort in to please him overall because we had a big fight about it right before we started TTC. 

Ask fellow mom's in your area about their experiences with birth/dr's etc and I would also start talking to your GYN about it too. 

I had a chance to talk to mine at my annual which just happened to fall in the first month we were TTC.  I was due for more birth control and didn't need to get that refilled, so the timing just all worked out.  But if you have an opportunity like that, try to make a list of questions you have and bring them with you.  

Good luck!!

gravcass

I agree with pretty much all PPs
Charting is very much a stress reliever (I'm off on mine this month and it's driving me nuts)

Hubby and I rarely have sex (his choice not mine) so it's actually really nice to know when I need to push him a little more. I think I would wear him down if we had to BD every day until AF!

Also IMO knowing that BD time could create something makes the moment more special. (Of course he doesn't have to know the timing is perfect if it freaks him out to preform) but me knowing my timing is great makes me feel more connected to my partner.

Everycol0r

I just want to tell you all ladies thank you for your support & great advice/stories.

pinottoparenthood

Do you not already have an OB-GYN just from pap smears, etc.? Find someone that you love and trust... they're not going to turn on you in your moment of need :-P And also I think a lot of it is being your own advocate but also knowing when to trust the medical opinion of someone who knows way more than you do. I do think perhaps you're getting a little ahead of yourself, but it's never too early to find a great doctor. If you're not sold on your current one, ask around! And be sure to ask about the practice as well as the individual doctor, since often times your doctor may not be the one who delivers your child depending on when you go into labor and who is on call at that time.

We haven't been trying for very long either, but personally I like to know what's going on at all times so I am starting to chart and have already been using OPKs. However, I do NOT tell my husband when I think I am ovulating, and make a point to initiate sometimes at different times of the month so it's not like i'm just using him :-P Good luck!