Putting myself out here...*LONG*

mrsjknitter1019

FTM to a 5 week old little boy and feeling some major PPD. It's been festering since he was born because he had complications when he was born at 38w3d (umbilical cord wrapped around neck, arterial tear near belly button causing a hematoma and a blood clot in his cord, plus lungs full of fluid and breathing complications). He was taken to a NICU at a separate hospital an hour away and stayed there for a week between the aforementioned issues and some jaundice problems. I often wonder if I might have done something during the pregnancy to cause that stuff to happen, because it resulted in lack of movement, which caused me to go in to the hospital, be monitored, have an induction attempted, and have to go for an urgent C section.

He came home on his 1 week "birthday" and things really got real for me emotionally, with all the sleep deprivation. My husband and I worked out ahead of time that we would tag team during the night to try and get him down back to sleep, but if we absolutely couldn't get him down, I would let him sleep since he works and I'm a SAHM and go down to the living room with the baby and watch Netflix or something until the baby would fall asleep. This is working out for us mostly, but I don't like how often it's happening (this is probably the 6th time in 5 weeks he's been home?). I feel terrible when I can't get him to go back to sleep or to stay down for a nap - definite feelings of inadequacy.

My husband didn't return to work until 2 weeks after the baby was born. That entire first week the baby was home, I had severe anxiety about being left alone with the baby - not because I wanted to hurt him, but because I had 0 experience with newborns before having one of my own and wasn't sure how I would handle everything by myself. To this day, I still have this anxiety. My husband has experience with babies, so he knows what he's doing, and when I try to do what he teaches me, individually we don't get the same results and it is incredibly frustrating and I end up having to walk away from a crying, screaming baby and feeling like a complete failure as a mother.

I think the biggest thing that made all of these feelings come to light is something from my own childhood...I didn't have my mother growing up and I can't imagine my son not having me. My mother divorced my father when I was 3 and after a nasty custody battle, she basically gave up and said to my dad that he "could take me for a while." "A while" turned into basically my entire life, minus a couple of occasions. She popped up one Christmas when I was 9 and made a bunch of promises about a husky puppy and coming out to Alaska to see her, and she left behind an address and phone number I could contact her at. This will be an important detail later. She disappeared again not long after the Christmas visit and it took me finding her email address at 17 years old and contacting her to get her to talk to me. She proceeded to tell me that the reason she cut communication after the Christmas visit was because my dad was a drunk (true) and that every time she would try to call, he would argue with her, and she would rather have no communication with me than to keep arguing with him before talking to me. Nice, right?

I (stupidly) kept talking to her even after that, and went out to Alaska that summer for a week to see her and (get this) meet my at the time 3 year old half sister. It's been 9 years since that visit. We kept up communication until the following January ('07) and then once again, she disappeared. I sent email after email for months wondering if she was okay, but never heard a word. To this day, she and her entire side of "my family" are on Facebook and have not reached out to me at all in the past several years. I figure if they're not going to bother, why should I risk keeping on hurting myself over and over again over people who obviously don't care? Oh, and she still has custody of my half sister...who is 12...and she gave me up at 3. The stuff with my "mother" used to not bother me until I became a mom myself - and then and now I wonder how on earth a "mother" can essentially abandon her child. As sad and depressed as I feel, I couldn't ever imagine leaving my child even if my husband and I divorced.

If you got through all of this, thank you for reading. Just needed to get it out in the open.

jerseygirl227

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there.

Don't blame yourself for the complications surrounding your LO's birth.  Things happen.  

I understand how frustrating it can be.  I hate when I can't get my LO (two weeks old tomorrow) to stop crying or to go back to sleep.  It makes me feel bad.  But, it doesn't mean we aren't good moms.  It just means we're learning.  So are our LOs.  

Can't really offer you any advice on the situation with your mom.    I'm sorry she hurt you like that.

Please talk to your OBGYN about PP anxiety.  Maybe he/she can help.  And hang in there.  

ashleymritchie

I still had this group favorited because I struggled with PPD for the first 7 weeks. Now, my daughter is 14 weeks and I haven't felt that way since. I will tell you that it DOES get better! Everything in the beginning is really difficult. My daughter was born 2 weeks early and I had a c section as well. I think not being able to have that immediate bonding experience is one thing that made it hard for me. I live in Nicaragua and my husband wasn't even allowed to go in with me! I didn't see her right after she was born because she also had the cord around her neck. I understand not having that time to bond so I can't imagine how you felt being away for a week!

But..you will bond! It happens at different times for everyone. That's really what I think causes the PPD and solves it as well. When m

nikiaPSU

As someone who had a crazy upbringing as well, the thing I can suggest is to use your childhood pain to your advantage. You be there for your son, show him how to love and be loved, give him (and yourself) all of you. My DS is almost 6 weeks and I'm just now getting the hang of things. His father and I don't live together so it's hard being by myself. I take the littlest victory and celebrate it, they will turn into larger victories, I promise.
Also please mention this to your doctor. I didn't want to but after putting my sons needs before mine, I decided to take the Zoloft she prescribed. Hang in there *hugs*

wlbmom2013

struggled with ppd for almost 7 months before I sought out help. Please, for you and more importantly, your son, seek help through your ob/gyn! It made a world of difference! Now, my story

My son was born at 34 weeks and had to stay in the NICU as well. I felt horrible, some how I felt responsible for his early arrival, even though the doctors tried to assure me that I didnt. I had a premature rupture of membranes (my water broke). It was so stressful! I was failing at breastfeeding (I could only pump very little and had to supplement ) and had even more depression because of that. I blamed myself even though I was doing everything I could to pump (pumping every 3 hours for at least 30 min, regardless of how tired/hungry/exhausted, etc I was. We finally went home a week later. I had a very over bearing family that constantly wanted to come visit and just couldn't tell them no. I got very little sleep (maybe a few 10-15 min naps a day for a total of maybe 2 hours A DAY!). I thought I had to do it all, be it all, and be the best at everything.

I didn't share my depression or anxiety with anyone, not even my husband. I didn't want to burden him with it because he was the one working 12-16 hours a day to support us. I didn't share it with my mom because my mom doesn't believe in depression. I felt ashamed. I was worried if I told someone, I would be considered unfit and they would try to take my baby. I felt so sucluded. I felt horrible! I remember going to my son's 4 month check up and the Dr gave me a form of questions (about ppd) and I remember LYING on the forms.

I will stop with that part of the story. ...

I finally got help! It's the best decision I ever made. I went for my yearly checkup and broke down and cried in the doctors office. He prescribed me Celexa and it helped so much. It helps with depression and anxiety. I am now off of it and currently expecting #2 in Dec. I will not hesitate and put myself through that again.

It gets better and it gets easier. I promise!

Love and hugs!

melanier26

My son is only just over 2 weeks old but I can relate on some level to a lot of what you said. We spent 5 nights in the NICU and now that we're home I'm having some issues with breastfeeding and have to supplement with formula a couple of times per day. One of the things my son had been hospitalized for was dehydration so having to supplement is important for him, but makes me feel like I fall short as a mom. With all of the other emotions I have going on and after hearing my son cry from being poked and prodded with so many needles any time he cries and I can't seem to fix things for him right away I get so upset. I'm just trying to hang in there and know that eventually things will get better. I hope they do for you too.