Torn

cookies754

I'm a lurker but this has been weighing heavy on my heart lately. I'm 26 and my husband is 27. We have a house, stable jobs, and some savings in the bank. We both feel that we could be ready to start a family, but aren't completely sure. His side of the family has started to begin their families and it's making me want to TTC even more. One of the things that is holding me back is that I am in a completely different stage of my life than my friends. I am the only one married that has a house etc. while all my friends are still living the single life in the city. We have started to grow distant anyway, so I don't know if this is a deal breaker. I guess I am just looking to see if anyone else has been in this position. There have been so many questions floating through my head. Do you make new friends with babies? Will my friends and I still continue to grow distant? Should we wait until we're a little bit older and grow our savings even more? Thanks for any insight you have!

Sugarplum0217

Just because your current friends aren't ready, doesn't mean you are or aren't. Of course your set of friends will change drastically when you have a family. You will lose some, you will gain some. You won't have as much time or things in common with your single friends in the city. Only you and your husband will know when the time is right to start a family. Your friends and/or internet strangers cannot make that decision for you. If that's an issue for you, I suggest you take some time to mature before starting a family. Make a "pre-kids bucket list" and accomplish things if you chose, or make the decision for yourselves you are ready.

Xstatic3333

Well, I will say that I met one of my best friends when she was already a mom, so you can still meet new friends. I think it's natural to grow and change from some friends as time goes on, but that's just part of life. I don't have kids yet, and even now with my husband and job I've found I have less time to see my friends, but our relationships are just as close and we love it when we do get together.

Only you and your H can decide, but it does sound from your OP that you don't quite feel ready. Why not sit with your H and decide if there are any goals you'd like to hit first? Maybe a trip or a savings goal?

jnnfrrose6

My response from yesterday was deleted. Boo. Basically, your friends familial status should have no bearing on yours. If you and your partner are ready to start your family, then do it. Friends change. Lives change. You will make new friends if that's what you're worried about, or your friends will respect the changes you're making and do what they need to do to still stay close.

MNturnsVA

My hubby and I have been together for 8 years total and married for almost 2 of those years in Oct this year. I was ready as soon as we got married, but we have had some things come up, we bought a new house and we finally took our honeymoon, although it was delayed. 

I wouldn't let your friends lives influence you or anything other than are the 2 of you ready for it?  Its great you have stable and steady jobs and a home, so you've got those things out of the picture.  I would recommend doing any bucket list items for sure or taking any trips that you really want to do before baby for sure.  Other than that, I would agree that you will have friends come and go from your life baby or no baby.

One of my best friends of 9 years has kids and we still hang out.  We don't get together as often as I'd like, but my life is pretty busy without kids.  Her life is busy because of kids.  We also have different places and ideas on how and where we spend our $$.  She does happy hours frequently and dinners out with other friends and my DH and I are limited on our budget due to some other things we have going on in our lives.  So we unfortunately don't get together as often as I'd like, but we make the time at least every 3-4 months. I do think when I get prego, some aspects of our friendship will change, but again, people come and go and if they really matter, you'll both make and find time.

One of my other best friends of 5 years, we've been on the same journey.  Got engaged shortly after the other and married a few months apart.  She's 7 months prego now and my DH and I currently TTC. I do see us getting closer because of the journey we've been on thus far together.  

But again, you have to do what's best for you. Life after baby will certainly change.  But if travel is a big thing for you now, that doesn't mean you can't travel with baby.  It may alter travel plans, but doesn't make it impossible.  My DH thinks we'll be "anchored @ home" post baby.  I keep trying to tell him otherwise.  But we've done a lot of the big things on our "to do list" so we are as ready as we can be now, or for what we are trying to do and our goals.

There's an article somewhere on here I think that goes over things to do pre-baby.  I'm sure a google search would provide you with a resource or two as well.  And if that fails, make a list of things you want to do pre-baby and evaluate how realistic they are and how soon you can make them happen.

You are young!! Don't stress it too much! Do what's right for you guys and only you can know that!

cookies754

Thank you everyone!! You really gave me a lot to think about, especially making a pre-baby bucket list with H. @jnnfrrose6 I don't know how that happened! Mine was deleted as well.

Jlfoster0427

I'm in the same kinda boat. Most my friends still go to parties and stay out all night. I have been married for 3 years now and we are TTC in January regardless of everyone else.

cookies754

@Jlfoster0427 can we be friends?

Jlfoster0427

@cookies754 absolutely

Designermomma

Agree with PP. I was the first of my friends to get married (@21) and have kids (@30). I'm 36 and most of them still aren't even married yet so don't wait on them cause you could be waiting a long time! We have grown apart, most have moved and we are mostly Facebook Friends now but I made new friends with single people and married people with kids. People evolve. Defiantly second the bucket list as well. Go to Europe or something like that (TTC there even?) cause your life will be focused on being home with little ones for several years after having kiddos. You can still travel with them but it's harder.

HookEmNelson

My own personal experience - from being the first of my and husbands friends to get married and have a baby - it has worked out absolutely fine. We are the most stable ones out of the main group we started with and if we would have waited on everyone else, we would still be waiting. We have changed and made new friends with families. It has been lovely to be around stable people that just understand you.

Go for it and enjoy it!

jenfarm3

I totally understand your dilemma though I agree with everyone else. Don't hold your life up because of your friends. You may find yourself waiting way longer than you expected. And you even said, you're already starting to drift apart, is holding back really worth it? I'm sorry that you're already drifting apart, but it may show that they aren't the kind of friends that are worth holding your life up for. (On another note, no friends are worth that. Live YOUR life. The right friends will live it with you. )

I will be the first of my close friends here in Houston to start a family, unless our friends that got married just a few months before us beat us to the punch. I don't even know if they're trying yet though, I'm not as close with them as my other friends. My two girl friends that I hang out with all the time are both single and not even close to married and kids. It's scary to think of me putting that difference between us but I'm ready to move on with my life. If they're the kind of friends I want around, they'll grow with me. Kids or not. If not, well, I'll make new ones. Such is life. Making new friends with other moms will be easy, probably easier than making friends without kids. Babies/kids are a great ice breaker and awesome common ground. 

I've always been ahead of my friends on the life scale, I think. (Not to sound snooty.) I've just never really been big into the partying and dating scenes. I've always wanted to find a guy to marry, settle down with and start a family. And I finally have that. I'm so happy and excited for it.

Like @HookEmNelson said, Go for it and enjoy it! 

HookEmNelson

@cookies754 I'm glad you posted! ^^^^ Look at all of these new friends you have ^^^^ We are stable and planning to eventually TTC or are in the middle of it! Come on in and jump in anywhere!

cookies754

@HookEmNelson I am so glad that I posted! Reading all of your experiences has really been helpful and makes me feel a lot better. I think we ultimately decided to wait one more year to pad our savings account but the waiting is so so hard! I'm glad I have this board in the mean time! Thanks everyone!

HookEmNelson

Can I just say that I love your reasoning to wait a year. That, my friend, is just more proof that you have your life together and you know what your family needs. Your IRL friends obviously need to take notes!

cookies754

Thanks for the encouragement, @HookEmNelson. It would've been exciting to start TTC soon but every time I think about starting, I know I would prefer to give our future children the best home life possible. H and I are going to sit down and create our pre-baby bucket list soon and hopefully plan some really exciting things for the next year!