How to deal with people that didn't know

SmilesMcGee

My MC was a week ago at 5w5d. Not many people knew since it was so early. DH and I had been trying 5 months and were very excited. How is everyone dealing with your emotions around people that didn't know about the pregnancy? I'm finding myself sad at times and irritable all due to the loss and I'm sure hormones too.

MrsGargoyle

Be easy with yourself, and give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling. If you don't feel up to dealing with people who aren't in the loop, beg off your plans with them, or make the decision to tell them. You could choose to tell them the whole truth, that you were pregnant and lost your child, or you could choose to tell them only part of the truth, that you have gone through a rough time recently and aren't feeling like yourself. I am sorry for your loss.

AL_TwinCities

I had a MC at 6 weeks last summer and still struggle with this when people ask when DH and I will start a family (why do people think they can ask this!?!?!!). Sometimes I tell them, other times I just smile and say when the time is right. It is painful, but know you aren't alone. I find a small comfort in knowing this pain is not my experience alone - even if I don't know you all personally, it helps me to see that others have made it through this. I am spending time on the Trying to Get Pregnant board and it makes me happy to see women successfully conceiving after loss. I wish you all the best.

SmilesMcGee

Thanks ladies. I think what is really bugging me is my MIL. She isn't a fan of us expanding our family. We have 3 kids from both of our previous marriages. We really want one of our own, yet she feels 4 kids is too many. Needless to say, she is not in the know of our TTC. I have taken some time off work. Since we can't tell her why, she is extremely vocal about her discontent with my staying home for the time being.

MrsGargoyle

SmilesMcGee said:

Thanks ladies. I think what is really bugging me is my MIL. She isn't a fan of us expanding our family. We have 3 kids from both of our previous marriages. We really want one of our own, yet she feels 4 kids is too many. Needless to say, she is not in the know of our TTC. I have taken some time off work. Since we can't tell her why, she is extremely vocal about her discontent with my staying home for the time being.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can do with this one is to have your partner tell his mom to back off. This is your family, not hers. She has had a chance to voice her opinion, and has done so. Now it's time for her grown-up child to tell her that this isn't her choice, and that it's time to let it go and let the two of you make the choice that is right for your family, without interference and disapproval being pushed at you both.

GhanimaAtreides

@SmilesMcGee , I have found telling someone from each social circle really helps IF there's a reason to. Around the time I miscarried, one of the very nice older ladies from my Family Campers and RVers group tagged me and another woman to undertake a wildlife photo project since she knew we were pretty decent photographers, but the deadline was yesterday. I just sent her a very simple FB message explaining what happened and that I knew she'd understand I wasn't up for it, she was very apologetic, but I told her no need, since people didn't really know. Plus it is nice having someone in the know because later on, I'm kinda counting on her to run interference with some of the others in the group who've been not so pleasant pointing out that I haven't been myself lately.

I agree with @MrsGargoyle too. When it comes to MILs, they can be very nasty. That is, until there's another grandchild to hold and they suddenly want all the grandmother privileges. That would be the perfect time to clear the air between you two and request an apology. They really tend to warm up then. I know from experience.

kcmichel

I was 11w3d when diagnosed with missed miscarriage. It was all over at 12w4d - right around the time we were going to announce. Some people knew so it was good to be able to get it out to those close to me. Those who didn't know I pretty much did everything to avoid, not too hard for me since I'm a stay at home Mom right now. But even more distant family/friends popping up to say hi I just kept it short. I couldn't talk with them without feeling like I was going to burst with emotion.
It's been 2 weeks since then and I'm reaching a point where I can interact on a casual basis with nonchalant chit chat. It takes time, but it's okay to tske some time for yourself to sort everything out and start healing.
Sorry for your loss!

Aquarius923

I was almost 6 weeks with my MC 2 weeks ago. I had told a few people at my work because I have to work around dangerous chemicals and infectious materials. I told those people what happened and from there everyone seemed to find out.

If you feel like telling a few people go for it, otherwise I would just explain to them you are having a few difficult things happening in your life right now.