Family wants to be called as soon as labour starts and be at hospital

sacreds

My brother/SIL as well as my parents have asked numerous times to be contacted as soon as baby is signalling that it is time. My husband and i want to live part of the experience alone so we have agreed that we would only tell them once labour has progressed more. The thing is that they want to be in waiting room at hospital when all this is happening and they have no concept of privacy/intimacy. I dont want them walking in and out of my room freely to check up on me. My bro/SIL might get it if i explain myself more but my father keeps playing it down. He regularly shows up at my apartment unannounced and peeks through the windows before ringing the doorbell. Ive told him that its creepy and i want him to call before coming. It really upsets me. He just says "no no its ok im your father, i was just passing by". I cant believe the lack of consideration and disregard he has about what im saying. Its beyond annoying. Part of me doenst want him to find out im in labour til its done because of that. Because i cant trust that he wont be spying on me while im in labour but i also dont want to hurt his feelings or penalize my bro/SIL . I think if i exclude my parents, i have to not tell anyone becoz info will go thru grapevine. I dunno how you would handle this. Ina perfect world for me, my family would be in the waiting room in the last hour, minding their own business and eoukd only come see me and baby when we are ready to be seen. I would like their support in that way but i dont trust my wishes to be respected. Why doe sit have to be so complicated?

sacreds

makes sense.

the only thing that i feel bad about though is that 2 years ago my bro and SIL had their baby and i came to the hospital. i mean, in all fairness, they told me the baby was on the way and i waited til she was closer to giving birth to come. (they had been in hospital-labour for almost 2 days. 

when i came, i sat in waiting room and only went in once to say hello and give my well wishes and once everything was over and i was invited in to meet their baby.

back then i thought that it was ok since i was out of the way and also i was expressing support. I feel like if i tell them they cant come then i have double standards. i regret going to their birth because it doesnt make it right to tell them not to show up for this one.

FemShep

Birth is not quid pro quo. If you don't want someone to come, don't call them. Also, keep in mind that in every hospital I've ever heard of, people won't be allowed up into your room unless you permit it. And there's also generally a restriction on the number of visitors allowed at once. So I would tell them that while you will let them know when you are in labor, you ask that they not come to the hospital until you tell them you are ready for visitors because you will not be accepting any visitors until that point, and waiting rooms can get very uncomfortable.

PugsandKisses

Either call them but tell the nurses that you don't want visitors besides your DH or don't call.
You labor, your body, your rules.

laurasuzanne2006

Don't call

NoSugarCoating

I don't know about your hospital, but at mine, no one can come in and out of maternity as they please. It's a locked ward, and you can only be admitted by a nurse. So, if you call, but tell the nurses you don't want visitors, they'll have to remain in the visiting area. 

sacreds

Thanks!

bagged02gt

See what your hospitals policies are on visitors!  I was THRILLED to find out that, I'm only allowed my "coach, aka husband" and 1 other person (which will be my mom) in the delivery room.  Nobody else is allowed in there (not even brothers/sisters).  Once the baby is born, I stay there for 2hrs, perfect for bonding with my baby and my husband.  Then I'm moved to a post-partum room.  That's when I'm allowed visitors.

If your hospital doesn't have a policy like mine does..........then fake it and pretend they do LOL   That's what I would do. Besides, you could be in labor for like 40+ hours!  They don't need to be at the hospital for that!  They want to see the baby, not you hahahahahaha, so they can wait till he/she arrives to come to the hospital!

Elecin

Just from your explanation I would DEFINITELY NOT tell them when I am in labor.  Tell them when it's all over.  

lindseyc1983

I told my mom that it was just me and my DH in the room quite some time ago....however the other day, she inquired about how many people can be in the room when I go into labor. I told her that its just me and DH that's IT. She said 'well, I thought you'd change your mind.' NOPE this is me and him ...that's it ! She too wants to be call as SOON as I go into labor and I have the same fears as you do, that they will be there the entire time....peaking in...or trying to manipulate their way into to room. I said I would call them when I go into labor and keep them updated via phone/text as much as I possibly can....but they can SEE ME, BABY AND DH 2 HOURS AFTER BIRTH ! I'm sticking to it....she will just be more stress for me...and that i do NOT need. 

SnarkasaurusRex

NoSugarCoating said:

I don't know about your hospital, but at mine, no one can come in and out of maternity as they please. It's a locked ward, and you can only be admitted by a nurse. So, if you call, but tell the nurses you don't want visitors, they'll have to remain in the visiting area. 

My hospital is the same way, with Labor and Delivery being a secured area. I'm also only allowed 2 support people in the actual labor and delivery room (and I'm only going to have DH with me because my mom stresses me the hell out), and no one is allowed to come and visit until I'm moved to the postpartum recovery room, roughly an hour or so after birth. My hospital is very serious about giving new parents time to bond with their babies before they get flooded with visitors. I already told my parents and in-laws that we'll be keeping them in the loop, but there's no sense in rushing over since they won't be able to see him for a while anyway.

If you haven't already, check on what your hospital's policies are; you may be able to just deflect all of their 'wishes' to hospital policy. In any event, the nurses are usually more than happy to keep people out of your room for you. If I were you, I wouldn't call until it's time to push or the baby is already out.

PrimRoseMama

sunrise135 said:

I would not call, let it be you and your husband, as you wish. If they do not get the idea that you do not want them there, oh well. I would go as far as saying labor and delivery went very quick and there was no time to call anyone- thats just me though.

Yep. I'd not tell a soul.

MummyMegs

Don't call. Easy as that.

1) Your sis-in-law didn't say she DID NOT want visitors, and you were contacted. You came for a tasteful short visit. Yay! NOTHING is wrong with you not wanting that same experience and you owe nothing to anyone. Chances are, they understand!

2) I'd be so goddamned pissed if my parents were so disrespectful of my home, time, and wishes. He peeks through the windows? Tells you its OK because he's your father? Nope. Nope. I assume you maintain a pleasant relationship and visit regularly, so once again: You owe nothing to anyone. Keep that door locked and next time he knocks (especially when you have new baby)....don't answer, Don't open the door. Walk to another part of the house. Will it seem super awkward? Yes. Will you have a weird anxious feeling til he leaves? Yes. BUT. Do it 1x or 2x and he should stop. And if he has an issue, remind him you requested he call ahead for good reason: You have a new baby, this is your house, and you won't always have time for unexpected visits. It's nothing personal: Its just how your life and your house operates.

If I sound heartless, I'm not! But I do know boundaries are so, so important to maintain non-resentful relationships with family from experience (my MIL lives 3 doors down, mmkayyy!)! Good luck!!!

delujm0

Don't call until the baby is born. My in laws have an 8 hour drive to get here and we called when I was 6cm and had my epidural placed. They arrived about 3 hours after the baby was born, which was perfect. They stayed about 30 minutes and then went to our house, where they cared for our pets while we were at the hospital. I'm lucky though, they are very understanding of personal space.

My mom planned to not cone until we were home from the hospital, we called her at the same time as we called my in laws. She was a pain in the ass, calling and texting every 60-90 minutes to ask how it was going. I'm in pain lady, and a little busy, I'll call you when the kid is out for the love of god. She means well, but I'm happy she has a 10 hour drive to get here, and a job, so she couldn't come here early enough to be in town for the birth. I didn't want anyone but DH in the building.

acciocoffee

We have had similar issues with both sets of parents. They all want to be called right away, but I really don't want to have them all texting and calling for updates the entire time. As of now, we won't be calling until I am either about to start pushing within the next hour or until after she is born (and we have had plenty of snuggle time). Our families don't actually know this though. We have tried to talk to them about it, but they just keep interrupting us and telling us what to do instead. It really does come from a place of love and excitement for their new grandchild, but it can feel very disrespectful at times. I think at some point in time you just have to realize that you are parents now and you get to make the decisions for your child. Nobody else really has any right to say otherwise (unless the child is in danger). Also, contrary to popular belief, it's really not important when the grandparents see the new baby. It can be 10 minutes after the birth or 10 days. The grandparents don't need to bond with the new baby, the parents do. You only get to live those first few moments one time.

whale318

I day call and let them camp out in the waiting room. Then let your nurse know you'd rather not have visitors...let her be the bad guy and not let them come in!

FemNik214

Your father needs to be put in his place. There is no, "Oh, it's okay because, I'm your dad!" be firm, and if he doesn't call before coming over, ignore him. Besides you will more than likely go to the hospital SEVERAL times before it's the "real thing". Do they really want to be informed every single time? As for your SIL she has her own kid so she will not likely be sitting up there in the waiting room for you to push a baby out of your hoo-haa when you have a dependent short visits after the fact are the only way to do things.