severe fear of pregnancy?!

mommatobe29

Anyone have severe fear of pregnancy?

Im 26 years old, born prematurely myself at 5.5 months gestation, thank god no major problems just bad eye sight. I just worry my prematurity will increase pregnancy risks.

I am thinking worst case scenerio with pregnancy, what if i develop this and that, what if i die in pregnancy or birth due to stroke or other complications like Amniotic fluid embolisim brought on by pregnancy? I get really anxious and im always talking to myself saying ill be fine but then i get feeling i won't be ok, or that is what i keep arguing with myself in my head. I also convinced myself my fears are premonitions even though i had dream of my dead grandma saying i got long life to live and pregnancy will be ok(i asked her in my dream), and i dream of me taking care of my "son".

Im a complete mess and dunno what to believe or do..,i want a baby really bad but so afraid at same time. My bf/husband says its deal breaker if i don't try to have baby with him. Everytime my anxiety is bad i try to just leave him but can't..so guess should just go against my fears and pray to god that i will accomplish child birth and be proud momma:)

Any advice from anyone that went through this? I am seeing therapist, i have been slaking in Stuff he asked me to do so i know probably why anxiety so bad right now

KaaaaaatieRN

Knottie73117180 said:

Anyone have severe fear of pregnancy?

Im 26 years old, born prematurely myself at 5.5 months gestation, thank god no major problems just bad eye sight. I just worry my prematurity will increase pregnancy risks.

I am thinking worst case scenerio with pregnancy, what if i develop this and that, what if i die in pregnancy or birth due to stroke or other complications like Amniotic fluid embolisim brought on by pregnancy? I get really anxious and im always talking to myself saying ill be fine but then i get feeling i won't be ok, or that is what i keep arguing with myself in my head. I also convinced myself my fears are premonitions even though i had dream of my dead grandma saying i got long life to live and pregnancy will be ok(i asked her in my dream), and i dream of me taking care of my "son".

Im a complete mess and dunno what to believe or do..,i want a baby really bad but so afraid at same time. My bf/husband says its deal breaker if i don't try to have baby with him. Everytime my anxiety is bad i try to just leave him but can't..so guess should just go against my fears and pray to god that i will accomplish child birth and be proud momma:)

Any advice from anyone that went through this? I am seeing therapist, i have been slaking in Stuff he asked me to do so i know probably why anxiety so bad right now

I think it would probably be best to not slack on the advice your therapist has given you. I don't think any of us have a "severe fear of pregnancy", as we are all actively trying to get conceive.

Everycol0r

Yes, this fear is very common. It definitely means you shouldn't be getting pregnant.

kbailes12

If you are this frightened, may I suggest reading the "Postpartum AMA" thread at the top of the page. 

StarbucksShip

Hello! I generally lurk (though recently there's been some awesome threads that made me want to contribute), but I can relate on being scared of pregnancy and labor. One of the reasons I lurk here is to get over said fear. The PP is right that most people on the board probably don't have anxiety or fear of pregnancy, but you could be interested in TTC while full of terror. I was there! In fact, we put off TTC for a while because my fear was so overwhelming. 

Anyway, I'll outline the process that works for me. However, like PP said: Listen to your therapist and their strategies. Or, maybe see someone else. Perhaps you're more likely to do your "homework" when you have a better rapport with the professional.

My process: I define anxiety as driven by fear of the unknown and uncontrollable. So I try to gather as much information as possible.  First, I identified what triggers my anxiety (hemorrhaging, tearing, maternal death, lack of consent, c-sections). Then I identified why I thought that way. Now, I'm reading a ton of books, listening to podcasts, and watching documentaries or TED Talks. Any and all takes on what pregnancy and birth are about. The more I know the more I understand my options and any potential consequences. And for the most part it's working. But everything I do is in tandem with my therapist.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to vent more. This board's topic might not be the best fit.

Amberry27

kbailes12 said:

If you are this frightened, may I suggest reading the "Postpartum AMA" thread at the top of the page. 

Girrrl I was fine until I read that thread. Now I have all the anxieties.

linny4

Knottie73117180 said:

Anyone have severe fear of pregnancy? Im 26 years old, born prematurely myself at 5.5 months gestation, thank god no major problems just bad eye sight. I just worry my prematurity will increase pregnancy risks. I am thinking worst case scenerio with pregnancy, what if i develop this and that, what if i die in pregnancy or birth due to stroke or other complications like Amniotic fluid embolisim brought on by pregnancy? I get really anxious and im always talking to myself saying ill be fine but then i get feeling i won't be ok, or that is what i keep arguing with myself in my head. I also convinced myself my fears are premonitions even though i had dream of my dead grandma saying i got long life to live and pregnancy will be ok(i asked her in my dream), and i dream of me taking care of my "son". Im a complete mess and dunno what to believe or do..,i want a baby really bad but so afraid at same time. My bf/husband says its deal breaker if i don't try to have baby with him. Everytime my anxiety is bad i try to just leave him but can't..so guess should just go against my fears and pray to god that i will accomplish child birth and be proud momma:) Any advice from anyone that went through this? I am seeing therapist, i have been slaking in Stuff he asked me to do so i know probably why anxiety so bad right now

QFP

I think it's normal to have some fear during pregnancy, especially if it is your first. However, this sounds a bit extreme and probably means you probably shouldn't be trying to get pregnant right now. You definitely should NOT be slacking on the advise of your therapist. I also think that if your bf/husband is threatening that it is a "deal breaker" and you have thoughts of leaving him already then the last thing you want to do is bring a baby into the situation. 

Also your mothers pregnancy with you has NO bearing on how your pregnancy will go when/if you decide to have a baby. Unless of course you have been diagnosed with a hereditary disease passed on by your mother that affects your fertility but I doubt that is the case here.  

Spalex

If you frequently have thoughts of leaving your SO then you definitely should not be trying to have a child with him. Listen to your therapist and do what he or she tells you to do. Good luck!

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado

Knottie73117180 said:

Anyone have severe fear of pregnancy? Im 26 years old, born prematurely myself at 5.5 months gestation, thank god no major problems just bad eye sight. I just worry my prematurity will increase pregnancy risks. I am thinking worst case scenerio with pregnancy, what if i develop this and that, what if i die in pregnancy or birth due to stroke or other complications like Amniotic fluid embolisim brought on by pregnancy? I get really anxious and im always talking to myself saying ill be fine but then i get feeling i won't be ok, or that is what i keep arguing with myself in my head. I also convinced myself my fears are premonitions even though i had dream of my dead grandma saying i got long life to live and pregnancy will be ok(i asked her in my dream), and i dream of me taking care of my "son". Im a complete mess and dunno what to believe or do..,i want a baby really bad but so afraid at same time. My bf/husband says its deal breaker if i don't try to have baby with him. Everytime my anxiety is bad i try to just leave him but can't..so guess should just go against my fears and pray to god that i will accomplish child birth and be proud momma:) Any advice from anyone that went through this? I am seeing therapist, i have been slaking in Stuff he asked me to do so i know probably why anxiety so bad right now

WTAF is happening... Also, OP, do you have a boyfriend AND a husband? Just had to ask.

CharlestonJ

All of the women here are actively trying to get pregnant or want to be pregnant in the future hence the name Trying to Conceive. 

I was also a preemie (born at 18 weeks weighing 2 lbs) and that does not hinder my desire for a child of my own. Medicine has advanced SO much in the past 30 years. 

In regards to your fears, talk to your therapist and do the activities they assign. They give them to you for a reason. You will not magically get over your anxiety by wishing it away. 

Forcing yourself to just get over it is not the answer. 

lisaevans1

Hi I agree with purrbucket! I have anxietys aldi about labour and pregnancy but that doesnt mean well maybe you shouldn't have one because people like us with anxieties will always be anxious there never will be a "so to speak right time" but we want a child and don't want to miss out so we are trying to do what we want but are scared more than the average person .. It's hard but I don't want to live with regret also

RogueDDG

@purrbucket I absolutely love TED Talks, there was a wonderful video about how to make anxiety your friend, our something to that effect, can't remember the name now, they have some amazing videos

firebaby688

You shouldn't be having a baby if it's really for someone else. You also shouldn't be trying to have a baby with someone that you're considering leaving. Think about all your anxieties and how they would work with a baby in the picture...

PibbleMom

Knottie73117180 said:

Anyone have severe fear of pregnancy? Im 26 years old, born prematurely myself at 5.5 months gestation, thank god no major problems just bad eye sight. I just worry my prematurity will increase pregnancy risks. I am thinking worst case scenerio with pregnancy, what if i develop this and that, what if i die in pregnancy or birth due to stroke or other complications like Amniotic fluid embolisim brought on by pregnancy? I get really anxious and im always talking to myself saying ill be fine but then i get feeling i won't be ok, or that is what i keep arguing with myself in my head. I also convinced myself my fears are premonitions even though i had dream of my dead grandma saying i got long life to live and pregnancy will be ok(i asked her in my dream), and i dream of me taking care of my "son". Im a complete mess and dunno what to believe or do..,i want a baby really bad but so afraid at same time. My bf/husband says its deal breaker if i don't try to have baby with him. Everytime my anxiety is bad i try to just leave him but can't..so guess should just go against my fears and pray to god that i will accomplish child birth and be proud momma Any advice from anyone that went through this? I am seeing therapist, i have been slaking in Stuff he asked me to do so i know probably why anxiety so bad right now

Having a baby will not fix a bad relationship. Please do not have a child until you have a partner who understands you, not threatens you. Adoption is always a viable option if you are that afraid of carrying a child or giving birth. Also, is he your bf or your husband? He can't be both, unless there are two people. If bf I would not suggest you make him your husband, as he obviously cannot hold up his end of "for better or for worse"

mommatobe29

Thanks everyone, ok let me clarify lol

My bf and i have been living together almost 4 years so we consider eachother basically husband and wife just not official yet(our families consider us their inlaw already), we been together just over 6 years. Apparently we be engaged sometime the end of the year i just don't know when

On breaking up part.. It only crossed my mind when i get really anxious about pregnancy and think i can't do it, so i think "maybe should leave him to be selfless and he can find someone not as afraid"... but then i can't through with it because i know i will be a mess and full of regret.

We talked about adoption, he rathers biological. We talked about someone else carrying cause i am a canidate i talked to someone but it is way to much money and they got to put you under to get your eggs and i hate surgery and freak out over that as well. So you see i can't win. we not planning on trying for another 2 years max but trying to get advice and help first. Trying get head straight before we even try get a house next year before everything else cause thats huge commitment too. I want to stay, i want everything everyone wants but my fear getting in away then i feel bad about myself.

I understand most women on here are less fearless (can't say no fear most people do experience it to some degree, i just go to the extreme lol) but was just hoping i come across someone like me.

shupertj09

So you're not really giving therapy a chance? You're not going to be TTC for two years? What can we do for you here exactly?

Edit: words are hard

mommatobe29

All i would like is Just advice and stories from people that went through same stuff as me and went through pregnancy

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado

Knottie73117180 said:

All i would like is Just advice and stories from people that went through same stuff as me and went through pregnancy

No one can make you feel ok about this. Perfectly honest, it just seems like this is not a good idea for you at this point in your life. You have a lot you need to figure out for yourself before you can actually be responsible for another human life.

StarbucksShip

lisaevans1 said:

Hi I agree with purrbucket! I have anxietys aldi about labour and pregnancy but that doesnt mean well maybe you shouldn't have one because people like us with anxieties will always be anxious there never will be a "so to speak right time" but we want a child and don't want to miss out so we are trying to do what we want but are scared more than the average person .. It's hard but I don't want to live with regret also

This! Every time I voice my concerns about my anxiety people say something like, "Well, maybe you shouldn't have kids" and I die a little inside. It's such a dismissive response and contextually implies there's no solution. For many people the anxiety could be the result of a disorder that needs to be managed. Or having a fear of one step in a process doesn't automatically make you unworthy of trying.

Knottie73117180 Almost everything you described was my husband and I. I was looking into desperately looking into alternatives, praying that somehow it wouldn't work, and yet at the same time if I thought about post-birth I was okay with it. Breastfeeding, the crying at night... that seemed okay and manageable. At a glance it sounds like you're in a similar mindset.

Knottie73117180 said:

All i would like is Just advice and stories from people that went through same stuff as me and went through pregnancy

However, I think any other woman who has birthed and had anxiety is going to say what has been said before: Get thee to your mental health provider. Most likely any story will be about seeking help (or about how she wishes she had). Ask your provider for a group therapy session, if possible.

It sounds like you're looking for validation for your fears, and while that's normal... you're also asking strangers who are not necessarily in the same emotional place as you to reveal some really intimate information.  If nothing else, lurk on a board with birth stories or seek out blogs where the writer has chosen to share that information first.

wanderingtx

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks everyone, ok let me clarify lol

My bf and i have been living together almost 4 years so we consider eachother basically husband and wife just not official yet(our families consider us their inlaw already), we been together just over 6 years. Apparently we be engaged sometime the end of the year i just don't know when

....

We talked about adoption, he rathers biological. We talked about someone else carrying cause i am a canidate i talked to someone but it is way to much money and they got to put you under to get your eggs and i hate surgery and freak out over that as well. So you see i can't win.

He's still your boyfriend, not your husband. Sorry. Referring to him as your bf/husband actually doesn't change anything. I have no issue with people having kids out of wedlock, but I don't think they should be deceptive about it. Be comfortable in your relationship and just call him your boyfriend. Congrats on the pre-engagement? Honestly the pressure he puts you under and how you said earlier that you try to "get away, but can't" is worrisome.

If you're two years out from TTC and already so scared that you are talking about getting a serogate, coming to an Internet forum will not help you. You need actual mental health treatment. I'm not saying this to be mean, I have seen a mental health professional since highschool and truly believe it can change your life. You have two years to work out your fears and find a way to live with your anxiety. Also maybe look into pre-marital counseling if you really want to spend the rest of your life with your bf. Good luck.

ETA: A lot of churches offer free or cheap marriage counseling. I really recommend looking into it if you are a member of a church.

MrsMccoy1018

As a NICu nurse I can say, "Sure those are all valid fears." but have you looked at how often any of those things happen? Premature Labor happens in about 12% of pregnancies. Your chances of carrying a child to term is far greater!
Also, survival rates of preemies are just incredible. They are the strongest little people you will ever meet.

Fear and anxiety are common with pregnancy. No one wants their precious little one to be born early or with any kind of defects. But I will say no matter what you will love that precious baby with all your heart and they will teach you more and make you stronger than you ever thought you could be.

24 weekers footprint. & trust me she put up a fight for this.

vampbride99

I don't have a fear of pregnancy, but I can say that I have worried about it at some point.  I do worry about some things, but I know if I allow myself to obsess over those things, I'll never have one!  I'd say to not slack on the things your therapist has asked of you.  I'm sure those things will help you. Once you really get into your therapy and can manage those feelings, I think you'll feel better about the situation.

mommatobe29

MrsMccoy1018 said:

As a NICu nurse I can say, "Sure those are all valid fears." but have you looked at how often any of those things happen? Premature Labor happens in about 12% of pregnancies. Your chances of carrying a child to term is far greater!
Also, survival rates of preemies are just incredible. They are the strongest little people you will ever meet.

Fear and anxiety are common with pregnancy. No one wants their precious little one to be born early or with any kind of defects. But I will say no matter what you will love that precious baby with all your heart and they will teach you more and make you stronger than you ever thought you could be.

24 weekers footprint. & trust me she put up a fight for this.

The weird thing is i have confidence my baby if or when i have one will be fine, im not to worried about that. I am worried about Amniotic fluid embolisim mainly and random blood clots that can happen while pregnant and cause the mother to die and baby.., I worry worst case scenerios which is death and i convinced myself my fear is real and a premonition

mommatobe29

tkarliem45 said:

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks everyone, ok let me clarify lol

My bf and i have been living together almost 4 years so we consider eachother basically husband and wife just not official yet(our families consider us their inlaw already), we been together just over 6 years. Apparently we be engaged sometime the end of the year i just don't know when

....

We talked about adoption, he rathers biological. We talked about someone else carrying cause i am a canidate i talked to someone but it is way to much money and they got to put you under to get your eggs and i hate surgery and freak out over that as well. So you see i can't win.

He's still your boyfriend, not your husband. Sorry. Referring to him as your bf/husband actually doesn't change anything. I have no issue with people having kids out of wedlock, but I don't think they should be deceptive about it. Be comfortable in your relationship and just call him your boyfriend. Congrats on the pre-engagement? Honestly the pressure he puts you under and how you said earlier that you try to "get away, but can't" is worrisome.

If you're two years out from TTC and already so scared that you are talking about getting a serogate, coming to an Internet forum will not help you. You need actual mental health treatment. I'm not saying this to be mean, I have seen a mental health professional since highschool and truly believe it can change your life. You have two years to work out your fears and find a way to live with your anxiety. Also maybe look into pre-marital counseling if you really want to spend the rest of your life with your bf. Good luck.

ETA: A lot of churches offer free or cheap marriage counseling. I really recommend looking into it if you are a member of a church.

thanks Yes he is still my boyfriend to be technical, but we are considered common law where i live so lately we have considered each other alittle more the bf/gf obviously, We are just not official yet. Marriage is about commitment and we have that and sticking together through thick and thin, the rest is sort of bull, just paper and rings.

Also marital counseling for what? We talk and open & honest with eachother. i said was thinking of breaking up just when i have my anxiety over pregnancy because i know its super important to him to have a baby..it is important to me..but if he said we don't have to have a baby i would be relieved but full of regret later i know i would. I can't break up with him though because i love him to much and no one knows me like him, I dated quite few guys he is the one...so guess ill have to just have a baby when ready, i would feel so bad if i stay and not give him a baby knowing how important it is to him.

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks everyone, ok let me clarify lol My bf and i have been living together almost 4 years so we consider eachother basically husband and wife just not official yet(our families consider us their inlaw already), we been together just over 6 years. Apparently we be engaged sometime the end of the year i just don't know when .... We talked about adoption, he rathers biological. We talked about someone else carrying cause i am a canidate i talked to someone but it is way to much money and they got to put you under to get your eggs and i hate surgery and freak out over that as well. So you see i can't win.

He's still your boyfriend, not your husband. Sorry. Referring to him as your bf/husband actually doesn't change anything. I have no issue with people having kids out of wedlock, but I don't think they should be deceptive about it. Be comfortable in your relationship and just call him your boyfriend. Congrats on the pre-engagement? Honestly the pressure he puts you under and how you said earlier that you try to "get away, but can't" is worrisome. If you're two years out from TTC and already so scared that you are talking about getting a serogate, coming to an Internet forum will not help you. You need actual mental health treatment. I'm not saying this to be mean, I have seen a mental health professional since highschool and truly believe it can change your life. You have two years to work out your fears and find a way to live with your anxiety. Also maybe look into pre-marital counseling if you really want to spend the rest of your life with your bf. Good luck. ETA: A lot of churches offer free or cheap marriage counseling. I really recommend looking into it if you are a member of a church.

thanks Yes he is still my boyfriend to be technical, but we are considered common law where i live so lately we have considered each other alittle more the bf/gf obviously, We are just not official yet. Marriage is about commitment and we have that and sticking together through thick and thin, the rest is sort of bull, just paper and rings. Also marital counseling for what? We talk and open & honest with eachother. i said was thinking of breaking up just when i have my anxiety over pregnancy because i know its super important to him to have a baby..it is important to me..but if he said we don't have to have a baby i would be relieved but full of regret later i know i would. I can't break up with him though because i love him to much and no one knows me like him, I dated quite few guys he is the one...so guess ill have to just have a baby when ready, i would feel so bad if i stay and not give him a baby knowing how important it is to him.

If you can go back and read everything you've posted here & still don't understand the answer to this question, I don't know that there's much anyone here can do to help you. But PLEASE please please do not have a child for someone else. Even when BOTH people really want a child, having a baby is a stress on even the happiest & most stable relationships. If you're doing it to make your boyfriend happy & your heart isn't 100% into it, you're only going to resent him for making you do something you don't fully want to do, and your baby will have been born with the JOB of making your boyfriend happy/ fixing your relationship. An infant's only job should be being an infant. Babies are amazing, but they don't save relationships. Quite the opposite.

I stand by my earlier comment that you have SO much to sort through in your own life before you can really be responsible for the life of another tiny person.

MrsMccoy1018

The weird thing is i have confidence my baby if or when i have one will be fine, im not to worried about that. I am worried about Amniotic fluid embolisim mainly and random blood clots that can happen while pregnant and cause the mother to die and baby.., I worry worst case scenerios which is death and i convinced myself my fear is real and a premonition



I know this may be pretty blunt butttttt you could literally die from a blood clot at any given time.

I really do feel for you though. I hope that you can work through this and overcome your fears.

KLake42

For what it's worth, I am *always* finding things to worry about.  Every day, my mind runs through ways that the people I love could die, including all the ways they could die in front of me.  Of course, in TTC, I think about all the worst case scenarios, and with an active imagination, there are a LOT of worst case scenarios.  

Constant fear and worry.

If you take your anxiety to the extreme and let yourself see ALL the ways things could go wrong, you may find some peace.  You have no control over whether a mack truck will plow you down this afternoon.  You can't control all the terrible things.

At least, I find some peace in that.  And my therapist helped me see that really, this is just something I do to myself, and the only real fear I have is about believing I deserve to be happy.  (Yes, cheesy, I know.  But it's true.)  So now I still have the active imagination, but it doesn't have any kind of grip on me.  I see the thought, and let it go.

Keep up with therapy, do the work, and you'll be able to get the perspective that will free you from this anxiety.

PrimRoseMama

I think you should wait on having a baby, work on your relationship issues & personal therapy for your fears.

It is not fair to you, your future offspring OR your partner to have a baby if you aren't 200% on board. The more details you give, the more worrisome it sounds.

Babies are amazing & beautiful. They are also taxing, frustrating & require so much more than you really know. If you get pregnant simply to "give your partner what he wants" as opposed to having a baby because you want to have a baby-- it will backfire.

Please take a break from TTC to get your ducks in a row.

PrimRoseMama

PS-- pregnancy & labor are incredibly short. It's the next 18-30 years that are hard. The fear of dying doesn't go away once you make it out of labor & delivery.

What if you die when the baby is a newborn?

Before they are teenagers?

Before they have kids of their own?

It's unreasonable to forgo doing something based on the what-if of dying. We could all die today or next week. :-??

I would more closely examine your hesitation with a trained therapist. I'm sure there is more to it than simple fear of pg & labor.

mommatobe29

MrsMccoy1018 said:

The weird thing is i have confidence my baby if or when i have one will be fine, im not to worried about that. I am worried about Amniotic fluid embolisim mainly and random blood clots that can happen while pregnant and cause the mother to die and baby.., I worry worst case scenerios which is death and i convinced myself my fear is real and a premonition

I know this may be pretty blunt butttttt you could literally die from a blood clot at any given time.

I really do feel for you though. I hope that you can work through this and overcome your fears.



Thanks for replys everyone:) apprieciate honesty and advice.
@MrsMccoy1018 i do realize that, But pregnancy increases the odds of that happening by like doubling the chances. At least thats what i heard/read ans learned in medical school too

mommatobe29

KLake42 said:

For what it's worth, I am *always* finding things to worry about.  Every day, my mind runs through ways that the people I love could die, including all the ways they could die in front of me.  Of course, in TTC, I think about all the worst case scenarios, and with an active imagination, there are a LOT of worst case scenarios.  

Constant fear and worry.

If you take your anxiety to the extreme and let yourself see ALL the ways things could go wrong, you may find some peace.  You have no control over whether a mack truck will plow you down this afternoon.  You can't control all the terrible things.

At least, I find some peace in that.  And my therapist helped me see that really, this is just something I do to myself, and the only real fear I have is about believing I deserve to be happy.  (Yes, cheesy, I know.  But it's true.)  So now I still have the active imagination, but it doesn't have any kind of grip on me.  I see the thought, and let it go.

Keep up with therapy, do the work, and you'll be able to get the perspective that will free you from this anxiety.

KLake42 said:

For what it's worth, I am *always* finding things to worry about.  Every day, my mind runs through ways that the people I love could die, including all the ways they could die in front of me.  Of course, in TTC, I think about all the worst case scenarios, and with an active imagination, there are a LOT of worst case scenarios.  

Constant fear and worry.

If you take your anxiety to the extreme and let yourself see ALL the ways things could go wrong, you may find some peace.  You have no control over whether a mack truck will plow you down this afternoon.  You can't control all the terrible things.

At least, I find some peace in that.  And my therapist helped me see that really, this is just something I do to myself, and the only real fear I have is about believing I deserve to be happy.  (Yes, cheesy, I know.  But it's true.)  So now I still have the active imagination, but it doesn't have any kind of grip on me.  I see the thought, and let it go.

Keep up with therapy, do the work, and you'll be able to get the perspective that will free you from this anxiety.

Thanks nice to know someone thinks like me too lol

mommatobe29

i think im afraid of pregnancy because of how much i do know that could go wrong because of medical school so freaks me out

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado

Knottie73117180 said:

i think im afraid of pregnancy because of how much i do know that could go wrong because of medical school so freaks me out

The nurse with the English degree says that ^^this is not a sentence.

dande2129

Knottie73117180 said:

tkarliem45 said:

Knottie73117180 said:

Thanks everyone, ok let me clarify lol

My bf and i have been living together almost 4 years so we consider eachother basically husband and wife just not official yet(our families consider us their inlaw already), we been together just over 6 years. Apparently we be engaged sometime the end of the year i just don't know when

....

We talked about adoption, he rathers biological. We talked about someone else carrying cause i am a canidate i talked to someone but it is way to much money and they got to put you under to get your eggs and i hate surgery and freak out over that as well. So you see i can't win.

He's still your boyfriend, not your husband. Sorry. Referring to him as your bf/husband actually doesn't change anything. I have no issue with people having kids out of wedlock, but I don't think they should be deceptive about it. Be comfortable in your relationship and just call him your boyfriend. Congrats on the pre-engagement? Honestly the pressure he puts you under and how you said earlier that you try to "get away, but can't" is worrisome.

If you're two years out from TTC and already so scared that you are talking about getting a serogate, coming to an Internet forum will not help you. You need actual mental health treatment. I'm not saying this to be mean, I have seen a mental health professional since highschool and truly believe it can change your life. You have two years to work out your fears and find a way to live with your anxiety. Also maybe look into pre-marital counseling if you really want to spend the rest of your life with your bf. Good luck.

ETA: A lot of churches offer free or cheap marriage counseling. I really recommend looking into it if you are a member of a church.

so guess ill have to just have a baby when ready, i would feel so bad if i stay and not give him a baby knowing how important it is to him.

It's great to have a plan. It's brave to address anxieties and fears head on, but what will you do if there is trouble TTC? Infertility issues, either yours, his or both?

You're banking on this all going according to your plan or, rather, his plan.

Is he going to threaten you or make you feel guilty for any issues that arise?

allieinbetween

BrooklynBroussard said:

Just lurking.

I'd just like to say that marriage is not just about the commitment you make to each other. That paper is not bull, it's meaningful in SO MANY WAYS. Ask the millions of people who can't legally marry people they are committed to. Or do some googling on what legal marriage entitles you to.

Yes, yes and yes. Marriage entitles you to so much more (legally and otherwise) versus a dating relationship. My MIL had to drive to a different state hours away so her and her partner of 17 years could get legally married and therefore be entitled to the benefits and rights that come along with it. 

If you're anxious about pregnancy but you're not trying at least for another 2 years, then I wouldn't stress about it just yet. Honestly, when I was first married the thought of babies scared the ever living s*** out of me, but I knew I wanted kids and was only afraid because I really wasn't ready. Instead I would focus on making sure before you marry your BF that you guys ensure you have common goals and ideas when it comes to the big stuff (financials, family, religion, etc). He'll be your partner when you guys have kids, so you need to make sure your relationship is 110% solid when you're both ready to start a family.

mommatobe29

allieinbetween said:

BrooklynBroussard said:

Just lurking.

I'd just like to say that marriage is not just about the commitment you make to each other. That paper is not bull, it's meaningful in SO MANY WAYS. Ask the millions of people who can't legally marry people they are committed to. Or do some googling on what legal marriage entitles you to.

Yes, yes and yes. Marriage entitles you to so much more (legally and otherwise) versus a dating relationship. My MIL had to drive to a different state hours away so her and her partner of 17 years could get legally married and therefore be entitled to the benefits and rights that come along with it. 

If you're anxious about pregnancy but you're not trying at least for another 2 years, then I wouldn't stress about it just yet. Honestly, when I was first married the thought of babies scared the ever living s*** out of me, but I knew I wanted kids and was only afraid because I really wasn't ready. Instead I would focus on making sure before you marry your BF that you guys ensure you have common goals and ideas when it comes to the big stuff (financials, family, religion, etc). He'll be your partner when you guys have kids, so you need to make sure your relationship is 110% solid when you're both ready to start a family.

Oh yeah i know there is legal benefits to getting married, which is great. we all have different opinions on marriage. My bf and i do want to get married but its not on our top priority right now, Besides the legal stuff, marriage is commitment & sticking with eachother good and bad. Some people need to have that ring and paper but we don't necessarily need that right away because we know how much we are commited/love eachother. We are considered common law anyways, i know thats not same as being married but pretty close, i mean i could always just go change my last name to his it be same thing or just tell everyone we are married. i am already on his health benefits as his spouse and if we were to have a baby and something happened like we broke up he still need to pay child support and if we get house together be even harder to leave eachother even if your not married (my cousins going through this right now) so in away it's like you married anyways according to government rules now even if your not officially married . I had relatives that just did that instead of spending money on a wedding, we always though they were married officially lol The point is its how you feel about eachother mainly and the commitment, the ring and paper is a bonus and the wedding is just a party if you can afford it.

I agree maybe should just calm down until we actually start ttc

missteacherlady16

Knottie73117180 said:

allieinbetween said:

BrooklynBroussard said:

Just lurking.

I'd just like to say that marriage is not just about the commitment you make to each other. That paper is not bull, it's meaningful in SO MANY WAYS. Ask the millions of people who can't legally marry people they are committed to. Or do some googling on what legal marriage entitles you to.

Yes, yes and yes. Marriage entitles you to so much more (legally and otherwise) versus a dating relationship. My MIL had to drive to a different state hours away so her and her partner of 17 years could get legally married and therefore be entitled to the benefits and rights that come along with it. 

If you're anxious about pregnancy but you're not trying at least for another 2 years, then I wouldn't stress about it just yet. Honestly, when I was first married the thought of babies scared the ever living s*** out of me, but I knew I wanted kids and was only afraid because I really wasn't ready. Instead I would focus on making sure before you marry your BF that you guys ensure you have common goals and ideas when it comes to the big stuff (financials, family, religion, etc). He'll be your partner when you guys have kids, so you need to make sure your relationship is 110% solid when you're both ready to start a family.

Oh yeah i know there is legal benefits to getting married, which is great. we all have different opinions on marriage. My bf and i do want to get married but its not on our top priority right now, Besides the legal stuff, marriage is commitment & sticking with eachother good and bad. Some people need to have that ring and paper but we don't necessarily need that right away because we know how much we are commited/love eachother. We are considered common law anyways, i know thats not same as being married but pretty close, i mean i could always just go change my last name to his it be same thing or just tell everyone we are married. i am already on his health benefits as his spouse and if we were to have a baby and something happened like we broke up he still need to pay child support and if we get house together be even harder to leave eachother even if your not married (my cousins going through this right now) so in away it's like you married anyways according to government rules now even if your not officially married . I had relatives that just did that instead of spending money on a wedding, we always though they were married officially lol The point is its how you feel about eachother mainly and the commitment, the ring and paper is a bonus and the wedding is just a party if you can afford it.

I agree maybe should just calm down until we actually start ttc




Hey there OP!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now! Just curious what state you live in? That's great that you're already on his health insurance!

I agree with PPs that a little counseling would be a good idea. A very good friend of mine is pursuing her PhD in psychology and maintains that therapy is good for everyone even if they don't have an obvious problem. There's a stigma around these types of things, but seeking therapy is nothing to be ashamed of!

Also as PPs said, nothing in live is guaranteed: your life, your boyfriends life, any future children. Although the millions of possible ways we could die is terrifying, you should be calmed by the fact that a lot of the fears you described are actually fairly rare.

If you're not TTC for two years yet, use this time to get your body and your boyfriends body ready. Eat well and exercise. It's not a promise of course, but still a good idea regardless.

BirdsofParadise86

OP, I don't mean to be rude but I have a hard time believing you made it into medical school with the grammar you've been using. So....please tell me what medical school you're (notice the proper use of "you're") attending so I can avoid doctors from that school. And for goodness sake, please use capital letters where necessary.
I just feel like your story is a bit off...

mommatobe29

missteacherlady16 said:

Knottie73117180 said:

allieinbetween said:

BrooklynBroussard said:

Just lurking.

I'd just like to say that marriage is not just about the commitment you make to each other. That paper is not bull, it's meaningful in SO MANY WAYS. Ask the millions of people who can't legally marry people they are committed to. Or do some googling on what legal marriage entitles you to.

Yes, yes and yes. Marriage entitles you to so much more (legally and otherwise) versus a dating relationship. My MIL had to drive to a different state hours away so her and her partner of 17 years could get legally married and therefore be entitled to the benefits and rights that come along with it. 

If you're anxious about pregnancy but you're not trying at least for another 2 years, then I wouldn't stress about it just yet. Honestly, when I was first married the thought of babies scared the ever living s*** out of me, but I knew I wanted kids and was only afraid because I really wasn't ready. Instead I would focus on making sure before you marry your BF that you guys ensure you have common goals and ideas when it comes to the big stuff (financials, family, religion, etc). He'll be your partner when you guys have kids, so you need to make sure your relationship is 110% solid when you're both ready to start a family.

Oh yeah i know there is legal benefits to getting married, which is great. we all have different opinions on marriage. My bf and i do want to get married but its not on our top priority right now, Besides the legal stuff, marriage is commitment & sticking with eachother good and bad. Some people need to have that ring and paper but we don't necessarily need that right away because we know how much we are commited/love eachother. We are considered common law anyways, i know thats not same as being married but pretty close, i mean i could always just go change my last name to his it be same thing or just tell everyone we are married. i am already on his health benefits as his spouse and if we were to have a baby and something happened like we broke up he still need to pay child support and if we get house together be even harder to leave eachother even if your not married (my cousins going through this right now) so in away it's like you married anyways according to government rules now even if your not officially married . I had relatives that just did that instead of spending money on a wedding, we always though they were married officially lol The point is its how you feel about eachother mainly and the commitment, the ring and paper is a bonus and the wedding is just a party if you can afford it.

I agree maybe should just calm down until we actually start ttc

Hey there OP!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now! Just curious what state you live in? That's great that you're already on his health insurance!

I agree with PPs that a little counseling would be a good idea. A very good friend of mine is pursuing her PhD in psychology and maintains that therapy is good for everyone even if they don't have an obvious problem. There's a stigma around these types of things, but seeking therapy is nothing to be ashamed of!

Also as PPs said, nothing in live is guaranteed: your life, your boyfriends life, any future children. Although the millions of possible ways we could die is terrifying, you should be calmed by the fact that a lot of the fears you described are actually fairly rare.

If you're not TTC for two years yet, use this time to get your body and your boyfriends body ready. Eat well and exercise. It's not a promise of course, but still a good idea regardless.
Thanks:) yes i agree ill need to calm down but some days worse the others ^ i live in Canada

@BirdsofParadise081614 Im not writing an essay so why in the hell do i need to be perfect in my post lmao i am actually medical office/assistant and yes! you do learn pretty much everything a nurse learns, only thing i do not know how to do is draw blood or do injectons:),

I seriously don't know why any this grammar stuff is irrelivant but okay then, you say you don't want to be rude but your being rude anyways? how does that make sense LOL i came here for advice and opinions with people like me not insults about why there is no capitals or spelling mistake? trolling? i think so lol

mommatobe29

thanks to you all that actually gave advice, guess some people got nothing better to do. I got advice/opinions i needed at the time, because i was feeling really low and depressed. now im feeling good again! i will be now closing this thread. Thanks again!

BirdsofParadise86

Knottie73117180 said:

missteacherlady16 said:

Knottie73117180 said:

allieinbetween said:

BrooklynBroussard said:

Just lurking.

I'd just like to say that marriage is not just about the commitment you make to each other. That paper is not bull, it's meaningful in SO MANY WAYS. Ask the millions of people who can't legally marry people they are committed to. Or do some googling on what legal marriage entitles you to.

Yes, yes and yes. Marriage entitles you to so much more (legally and otherwise) versus a dating relationship. My MIL had to drive to a different state hours away so her and her partner of 17 years could get legally married and therefore be entitled to the benefits and rights that come along with it. 

If you're anxious about pregnancy but you're not trying at least for another 2 years, then I wouldn't stress about it just yet. Honestly, when I was first married the thought of babies scared the ever living s*** out of me, but I knew I wanted kids and was only afraid because I really wasn't ready. Instead I would focus on making sure before you marry your BF that you guys ensure you have common goals and ideas when it comes to the big stuff (financials, family, religion, etc). He'll be your partner when you guys have kids, so you need to make sure your relationship is 110% solid when you're both ready to start a family.

Oh yeah i know there is legal benefits to getting married, which is great. we all have different opinions on marriage. My bf and i do want to get married but its not on our top priority right now, Besides the legal stuff, marriage is commitment & sticking with eachother good and bad. Some people need to have that ring and paper but we don't necessarily need that right away because we know how much we are commited/love eachother. We are considered common law anyways, i know thats not same as being married but pretty close, i mean i could always just go change my last name to his it be same thing or just tell everyone we are married. i am already on his health benefits as his spouse and if we were to have a baby and something happened like we broke up he still need to pay child support and if we get house together be even harder to leave eachother even if your not married (my cousins going through this right now) so in away it's like you married anyways according to government rules now even if your not officially married . I had relatives that just did that instead of spending money on a wedding, we always though they were married officially lol The point is its how you feel about eachother mainly and the commitment, the ring and paper is a bonus and the wedding is just a party if you can afford it.

I agree maybe should just calm down until we actually start ttc

Hey there OP!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now! Just curious what state you live in? That's great that you're already on his health insurance!

I agree with PPs that a little counseling would be a good idea. A very good friend of mine is pursuing her PhD in psychology and maintains that therapy is good for everyone even if they don't have an obvious problem. There's a stigma around these types of things, but seeking therapy is nothing to be ashamed of!

Also as PPs said, nothing in live is guaranteed: your life, your boyfriends life, any future children. Although the millions of possible ways we could die is terrifying, you should be calmed by the fact that a lot of the fears you described are actually fairly rare.

If you're not TTC for two years yet, use this time to get your body and your boyfriends body ready. Eat well and exercise. It's not a promise of course, but still a good idea regardless.

Thanks:) yes i agree ill need to calm down but some days worse the others ^ i live in Canada

@BirdsofParadise081614 Im not writing an essay so why in the hell do i need to be perfect in my post lmao i am actually medical office/assistant and yes! you do learn pretty much everything a nurse learns, only thing i do not know how to do is draw blood or do injectons:),

I seriously don't know why any this grammar stuff is irrelivant but okay then, i came here for advice and opinions with people like me not insults about why there is no capitals or spelling mistake? trolling? i think so lol

Seriously? I have to explain to you why grammar and spelling are RELEVANT (not irrelevant)?? It's important so that people can properly read and understand what you're trying to say. Imagine a language with no spelling and grammar rules.

Edit to add that I wasn't trying to be rude but you implied you're going to medical school which makes one assume you're training to be a doctor and I just found that hard to believe.