when do the breakdowns end?

rachrobertson

I know everyone grieves differently. I am one day post d&c and feel I have been handling this loss fairly well, better than I ever thought I could handle losing a child. Anyway, my mom has our DD for the weekend so I can rest from my procedure and get my emotions in check so I can go back to being full time mommy after a loss. Yesterday, I watched movies all day to keep my mind off things and rest. I know I can't do that forever and I have cleaning to get done so I asked DH if he would help clean. I was cleaning the tub and he walked in and asked if I could wash a ball that DD had thrown in the toilet, then he asked me where I wanted the pacifier thermometer that DD had gotten out. I just lost it and started bawling. He hugged me and asked if I was sure I wanted to be cleaning and not taking my mind off things instead. Am I not supposed to have breakdowns?! I know I am going to have bad days and good days but I need to get to a point that simple day to day things don't cause a breakdown. DH seems to be processing his grief differently which makes it difficult for me, he only cried the day we found out we didn't have a heartbeat and has been his usual self since then. Sorry for the ramble, I just feel alone in that everyone else seems to be processing and moving on, but not me. Again, I know this is all still very raw and everyone is different, but when did you get to a point that you could go days without crying as opposed to hours?

valleric

I broke down almost every day for a couple week. Then about into the third week it was every couple days. It does get easier!

Toughchick823

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried on March 22nd but have been going to the doctors every week till my last appointment this last Monday. I still have days where the littlest things will make me breakdown into tears. My now hubby ( we just got married on the first) and I have always referred to us and our cat as a little family. Well yesterday we were laying in bed and the cat snuggled up with us and all my DH said was "family snuggles". That sent me into tears. Sometimes it doesn't have to be much of anything and I cry. We have good days and bad days. Emotions can be a little higher with Mother's Day too.

carrieandr

The day I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat I was in shock and felt drugged. The next few days I was really sad and cried on and off. Then it lessened to tearing up instead of crying, then that stopped happening every day. It improved for me pretty quickly. I think once I adjusted to the new reality, things got easier. And since I only actually knew I was pregnant for 5 weeks, the idea of not being pregnant felt normal-ish again pretty quickly. Not okay, but something I was familiar with.

I think my hormone levels dropped further about a week after my d&e, because I felt a little more emotional. Shortly after that, I started feeling more like myself and optimistic about trying again soon.

It's been 6 weeks since I found out I would mc, and 4 weeks since my d&e. It feels like it has been much longer, because I've come so far since those first days. When new people join the forum I feel so bad for them, because the early stage was so hard. I'm not that far ahead of you, but a little time made all the difference for me. Everyone grieves differently, but I hope you feel a little better each day, too.

thistle8677

I'm 4 weeks out from my d&c and since getting AF earlier this week I felt a major shift physically, mentally, and emotionally...everything felt a lot better, more positive, better able to cope in general. Being that it's mother's day I am struggling with some major waves of sadness, but I know this is kind of a special circumstance. Just let yourself feel what you feel, when you feel it. If it goes on too long, or gets more serious I would definitely call your Dr.

rachrobertson

One thing that has made this.more difficult is that we saw a healthy heartbeat at 9 weeks and thought we had made it past 12 weeks only to find out we hadn't made it past 10 weeks. I mentally accepted the loss and didn't have the hope that maybe they were wrong and we would go back to find a heartbeat, but all the milestones of pregnancy are etched in my head and I am dreading them. I knew we would find out the sex around fathers day and we were due the day before DH's birthday. I am not an optimistic person in general but I am really hopeful that we can get pregnant again and start making new milestones that will distract me from the 'could be' milestones. I am just a big ball of hurt, anxious, jealous, and hopeful which make for a very emotional lady. Thanks for reading my rambles and responding. Nobody in my family has experienced anything like this so they can only offer sympathy but can't relate.

valleric

Same for me. The could of beens are so hard! And no one close to me has had one before

whitneydpc

I had quite a few breakdowns after my first mc. I think it was harder because I saw a strong heartbeat at 7 1/2 weeks but then the baby died at 9 1/2 weeks.  Like you, I was so close to being able to announce the news, and I already had all the "milestones" (20 wk ultrasound, due date, maternity leave) etched into my memory, so that made it very difficult.  I cried a lot the first few weeks and even months later, I would have an occasional breakdown.  My second mc occured at just about 6 weeks, and I definitely experienced low grade depression for months afterwards, but I didn't have any breakdowns because it happened so early on that I hadn't even had my first dr. apt. yet.  

It will probably be hard for you on the milestones you mentioned above -- do whatever you can to take your mind off of them, and stay off social media (you will inevitably see other people announcing the sex of their baby the week you would have gone in for your ultrasound).  

Sorry you are going through this  

bntfroggie

The milestones are the worst.  I was in your same place 5 weeks ago.  I saw a healthy heartbeat at 9wks only to go back at 12wks and see that the baby only made it a couple more days from when we saw that little heart.  I will never forget my little one, but I am in a much better place then I was and I wasn't really angry until a few weeks ago, I was just sad, and just wanted my baby.  I still have sadness 5wks out from my D&C, I have such pain that I feel I carry around with me.  Now I'm waiting on AF, and for some reason I feel that getting that will open a new chapter, and close this one, and just because you've moved onto another chapter doesn't mean you've forgotten what you read, but you have learned valuable lessons that will be important parts of your life's story.

It does get better, and all of us are here for you.

kimey1

Wouldn't it be different for each person? I didn't burst out crying unti 9 days after. Tears prior to that was from pain, rather than sadness.

DH and I have been suppressing our emotions and carrying on with our days, but both he and I have been exhausted on days we spoke to the doc or went to the doc's office. We have moments we silently hug or kiss  - no words are necessary, I know when he hugs me thinking of what happened. Writing this out actually brings tears to my eyes.

I guess it's a different process for everyone, but it definitely takes time. Hang in there @rachrobertson and all... We're all still processing at our own pace!

gapeachrn

With my first I was sad for about a month. Then I got mg cycle, started running and focused on trying again. The holidays were still tough but it was getting better. Which can make you feel guilty sometimes.

This time has been more tough, but at the same time I feel like I know how to deal because of the first. This is my fourth week and it felt like Mother's day was a VERY hard day.

I get more upset now about not knowing what is next for us...

valleric

Tonight my husband and I babysat our one year old niece and it just made me sad for what could have been. Haven't seen her since it happened 3 weeks ago.

RyanVo

I miscarried on New Years Eve so it's been almost 6 months.  The breakdowns don't happen nearly as much as they used to.  But I would be lying to you if I still don't have moments where I am so sad and depressed. Usually they're triggered by something like a friend announcing their pregnancy or seeing how happy my sister and brother-in-law are with their 6-month old son.  But i can promise you that time heals.  

tpete12

My husband reacted very similar to yours. He cried the day we found out that we had lost baby and maybe shed a few tears in front of me since then. I cried every day for the first while and then it slowly became less and less. Don't get me wrong, I am just about a year into this journey and I still have melt downs. In fact I cried tonight because of it. It is one of the hardest things you will have to face, but you will find a way to get through - I promise. And as for your hubby, trust me, he is grieving. My husband finally admitted to me the other day that he cried a lot when he was by himself and that he just wanted to be strong for me.

nerdymama15

It is different for everyone.  I miscarried 02/28/15 and I did fine as far as breakdowns go after the first week.   Then milestones roll around and I'm a mess.  I just am starting to learn wihat my triggers are.  The week prior to AF is the worst (I guess due to hormones).  I broke down yesterday even.  

rachrobertson

Thanks for your responses. I have been doing well then I had a mini breakdown at work today when I was asked to give a medication that pregnant caregivers can't give. I ovulated this past weekend so maybe my hormones are ramping up for AF or may be just a bad day. Either way, it has put me in a mood for the rest of the day.

carrieandr

I've been feeling bummed yesterday and today. Not a breakdown, but not my usual optimistic self. I'm supposed to be TTC for the first time since the mc, but it's looking like I may not ovulate this month. Today is day 7 of flashing smileys on my Clearblue Advanced opk. (Two is average.) If I don't get a solid smiley in the next two days, I'm supposed to stop testing because it is unlikely it will happen. I knew there was no guarantee I'd get pregnant again the first time out of the gate, but I thought I'd at least get to try. I'm feeling like I was robbed of my pregnancy and I'm owed a new one. There should be a help desk where I can explain that I was already pregnant and we need to get this straightened out. I'll ask to see a manager if necessary.

Perhaps this is the bargaining stage of grieving.

valleric

I'm 5 1/2w post mc and I cry tear up 2/3 of days. I had a breakdown last night. I found out that one of my coworkers is pregnant and due 5 days after I was due!!

bntfroggie

I'm sorry @valleric that is very rough. Hang in there. Remember take your time and maybe talk to your coworker about what happened so that the baby conversations are less.

rachrobertson

@valleric that is rough. I have a coworker due in about a month and all she does is talk baby. She knows what I am dealing with too. If someone were due that close to my original due date though, I think I would have to say something. Who cares if you offend them, what she is doing is hurtful and offensive if she continues after having the knowledge of what you are dealing with. Like I told another coworker yesterday, I get that they are excited, but aren't there 500 other people they can talk to about baby and me not be one of them? Rant over. Have a good Friday everyone!

foliver82

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost mine at 11 weeks which was almost 2 weeks ago.
Every day is different for me.
My thoughts seem to go back to passing the baby at home in my own bathroom. Every time someone complains or asks me how I am I answer then in my own mind with "well let's see I just passed my 11 week along baby in the toilet" then I remember that they don't know what happened. And part of me doesn't want them to because then I will have to relive it again. Even going to the doctors the day after and having them so me what happened. It's total breakdown.
Father's Day today was tough, but we held it together for our DS. We took him to see Inside Out at the movies.
Total tearjerker at the end which was a nightmare for me since my hormones are still all over the place.
All I can say to you is that people cope and heal in their own way in their own time. It's one day at a time for me. Some days are ok and some aren't. If I feel I need to cry then I cry. I know that it's ok to not be ok and that being sad and angry are all a part of the process.
I hope you have someone to talk to. Going through this has brought my SO and I a million times closer. We talk about everything now. We go to each other when we are upset and are able to talk openly and honestly and comfort each other about our loss.
Take it day by day and your body and mind will heal as long as you let it. You will know what you need.
Hugs and thoughts and prayers for you and your family ❤️

jonesl12

I was fine after my d&c till the third day after and I lost it. That was 2 weeks ago and I finally feel normal again mentally and physically . Everybody is different for sure so hang in there it gets better in my opinion.

Skydance

It's been 10 days since my D&C and two weeks since I knew I mc'd. It does get better.. hang in there. I bawled my eyes out first two days alone, DH was travelling. I was weepy here and there next two days and a few days after my D&C. Luckily some close friends stayed with us for a week and we even took a holiday with them so that helped get my mind off things. Whatever helps you move on, do more of that. Hugs x

newfie69

It's been 4 weeks for me... And it does get easier. Trust me the first few days felt like a living nightmare. It took me 4 years to conceive then found out baby had something wrong and we chose to have a D&C .
Please believe me it does get easier....

foliver82

I'm 3.5 weeks post MC and I still have moments when I have little breakdowns. For instance, being at a 4th of July parade today and watching my son enjoy it somehow made me sad. Like the feeling that he's 6 and he's not a little boy anymore. It makes me sad that I may not be able to give him the little sister he's been asking me for. I feel horrible. I have a good relieving cry and then suck it up and get back to life.

queenklau

It has been 3 weeks since we found out we had a MMC. We just got back from an amazing trip in the caribbean with DH and family, I had a few breakdowns during the week-long trip. One in the shower with my husband and one random one walking around. I think when there are many babies/pregnant ladies around me or something reminds me of my angel baby, I get really sad. I agree it gets easier and I am functioning normally in my life, but the random episodes still happen to me. DH is my only witness, he usually just holds me until it passes, which is very comforting. I hope everyone else is doing better too.