Husband only does stuff when I ask

mrscasey306

I know this has been posted countless times but just need to vent to someone who doesn't know us personally , while we were in the hospital and when we came home my husband was AMAZING! , then we he went back to work it started to dwindle, I was doing everything because he had to work and was tired ..we worked out a schedule were he would take over in the evening so I could sleep then I'd get up for the night and take care of Olivia . Ever since its pulling teeth to get him to do his part without an argument . I'm terrified of how he is as his dad had no part in helping/raising him when he was little and I don't want our daughter looking back and saying daddy never did anything with me growing up like he does.. He doesn't see it and refuses to he thinks asking me if I need him to warm up a bottle for me is help . It's really straining our marriage I've tried outside sources talking to him but he just doesn't get it... I'm really resenting him because I hardly ever sleep and he just gets to decide oh hey I'm tired night! Have any of you dealt with this and how did you do it ..

adelems

Well, one thing I would like to help you feel better about is that how your husband is with an infant or newborn most likely will not reflect his relationship with your daughter as an older toddler/child. My husband is not good at all with helping out with newborns and infants but my daughter and him have the best relationship. It took until she would somewhere between a year and two years and they started connecting . Once she could interact and was more independent from me.

Second, first babies are the hardest. I know that's little comfort but it's just hard on the guys .. There's less of a hormonal emotional connection to the baby than there is for us.

Third, maybe try making a big deal out of when he does help. Like profusely thanking him and making a big happy fuss about it. A lot of times I find it helps to confirm a good behavior rather than harp or nag on a bad behavior. Basic psychological conditioning. it may really help if he feels like things are SOOOO much better when he does help .. You know? Just an idea

aprilk86

I'm sure it doesn't help but I'm ready to kill my husband! I watch him sleep ten hours straight while I care for our 4 week old on no sleep and then he naps during the day! I try to talk to him about it and ask if he understands and five minutes later he's asleep! I would try to leave for a few hours trick but I'm afraid because I once tried to nap but when I heard my baby cry i had to check and found my husband asleep with my son flailing I'm his arms so I scared

adelems

aprilk86 said:

I'm sure it doesn't help but I'm ready to kill my husband! I watch him sleep ten hours straight while I care for our 4 week old on no sleep and then he naps during the day! I try to talk to him about it and ask if he understands and five minutes later he's asleep! I would try to leave for a few hours trick but I'm afraid because I once tried to nap but when I heard my baby cry i had to check and found my husband asleep with my son flailing I'm his arms so I scared

Oh geeze. I would have lost my marbles on him .. [-X

mrscasey306

I just feel so alone in this.. And I don't think I should have to ask a 33 year old about to be 34 to help out with his child. And to praise good behavior he's not a dog or a child I don't feel I should have to pat his back for giving her a bottle...., it bothers me that his sleep is always more important I made a comment about putting the rock and play on his side of the bed and he just laughed it off .... And then he wonders why I never want to "do anything " with him and I explain it over and over I feel and he's just not getting it instead he's selfishly thinking how much sleep he's had and that he works all day. And I should nap when she does which is true but I have a fear of sids had in getting laundry and cleaning done so he can come home to a clean house with fresh clothes ! Least he could do is help....

KD32412

@mrscasey306 You are not alone. When we had our firstborn, I was in a similar situation. I thought I was going to die from lack of sleep, I was going nuts. I couldn't sleep because I was so worried she would stop breathing. I was EBF, so there was no opportunity for my husband to do some night feedings. One night I kinda snapped and started crying like a crazy person cause baby wouldn't stop fussing and I was soooo tired. My husband promptly took baby, told me to go to sleep and he would watch her. So my point is, maybe your husband thinks you've got everything under control. My husband thought I was fine until he saw me crack. Just talk to him and tell him, "please help me before I end up hurting you while you sleep..."

SharLovesAlex

Nope, not alone. While asking my husband to do things doesn't cause an argument, and as perfectly willing to do his part as he is, I find that since he works and the baby wakes us up 2 times a night some nights, he talks about how exhausted he is and usually falls asleep early or naps when he gets home from work. I have to nudge him 3-4 times to wake up with the baby to feed him so I can stay in bed. It frustrates me that he talks about how tired he is when I have no time to myself during the day, hardly enough time to eat a proper meal, shower, even pee. I'm nursing, which is exhausting in itself because he wants to nurse all day. It must be so easy to be a dad and not feel the immediate urge to jump out of bed and tend to the baby the moment you hear him stirring. Must be nice to just fall asleep on the couch knowing there is someone here that is taking care of the baby so you don't have to worry. Ugh! Don't know if it's hormones or what, but it upsets me. And like I said, he's always totally willing and gung-ho to do his part, but usually ends up falling asleep which leaves it up to me.

NLB2009

That's the thing that gets to me, too, that he can just sleep soundly through it. Like I have a really hard time napping during the day when baby is sleeping because I know I might have to jump up at a moment's notice. But DH sleeps so well because he knows I'll take care of it. And since he's back at work and I'm not yet, I do all the nighttime wakings too, and he still complains about being tired. At least he always thanks me for it but that doesn't make me less sleep deprived!

kfooy1

Oh my goodness it feels good that I'm not the only one that is feeling like this! My husband was super the first couple weeks and it has died off... I don't think that he gets just a small gesture like changing the diaper is so nice. It's like since I just do it why would he need to step in. He does watch my son two days a week while I work, but it s the other 5 days that I feel like he should also be helping with too. Also he complains that he is tried, while I want to fall over because I'm so tried from working and doing everything at night I want to scream! It's so hard to not to compare everything I do and little he does, because I know it won't make it better but just wish it was a little less skewed in the tasks. Venting is so helpful but all I can say is keeping your head up when you feel like the only doing everything is impossible! I wish there was 3 of me!!!

mrscasey306

@kfooy1 , defiantly always good to vent !! Just had ANOTHER talk about this with my husband this morning lol !

mamaskittles09

I can totally relate to you, except my husband doesn't do anything even when I ask! Because I'm on maternity leave its "my job." He claims.

roxybsktbll

mamaskittles09 said:

I can totally relate to you, except my husband doesn't do anything even when I ask! Because I'm on maternity leave its "my job." He claims.

That is not fair. The reason for maternity leave is for the mother to heal and bond with baby. That doesn't mean you don't need help, it means that you do!

noodlienoodles

mamaskittles09 said:

I can totally relate to you, except my husband doesn't do anything even when I ask! Because I'm on maternity leave its "my job." He claims.

That's just mean! I'm sorry.

akj166

The novelty has worn off in this house as well. He was so good the first couple weeks... Now like most of the comments above, is he needs a "thank you" for changing the baby's diaper or feeding her.

ursmile19

I'm glad to hear my husband is not the only one ... He says he he will help out when I go back to work ..we will see if thats true in the mean time it seems I'm the only one responsible for our son

SharLovesAlex

mamaskittles09 said:

I can totally relate to you, except my husband doesn't do anything even when I ask! Because I'm on maternity leave its "my job." He claims.

How unfair! I do feel at tinew like my husband thinks of this as my "job" while I'm home with him. I have been encouraging him to hold him more so the baby is used to him soothing him as well. But when he holds him, a minute later he wants to put him down! It's like "Oh, do you want to sit in your swing??" No! Of course not. It's so frustrating because it's so easy for them to leave it to us.

mamaskittles09

SharLovesAlex said:

mamaskittles09 said:

I can totally relate to you, except my husband doesn't do anything even when I ask! Because I'm on maternity leave its "my job." He claims.

How unfair! I do feel at tinew like my husband thinks of this as my "job" while I'm home with him. I have been encouraging him to hold him more so the baby is used to him soothing him as well. But when he holds him, a minute later he wants to put him down! It's like "Oh, do you want to sit in your swing??" No! Of course not. It's so frustrating because it's so easy for them to leave it to us.

I know!!! Obviously if they wanted to be in their swing, we would have put them there ourselves! Sometimes though, it's easier to just do things ourselves. While dealing with fussy baby I asked my husband to make her a bottle. He brought an ice cold bottle and the consistency looked wrong. He didn't put the right amount of scoops in! This isn't rocket science! Oh my word, I'm sorry for complaining so much on here guys, I'm normally a very positive person! Just starting to feel burned out.

mrscasey306

That's horrible @SharLovesAlex , I go back to work this coming Tuesday working with my terminally ill niece that I help care for and will have to get up probably 4:30 to get me and Olivia all situated and ready to be out the door by 5:45ish so this " night shift work " should get interesting lol