Happiness pre and post baby?

bluehokie

Hi all, my husband and I are TTC now, we have been off birth control for about 3 weeks. My husband never wanted kids but knows it's very important to me, and is willing to go through this major life change because he loves me. He's a very compassionate individual and I know he will be a wonderful father.

However, there are all of these horrible "studies" online that show that happiness level decreases after baby. I guess I am fearful for his overall contentment in life!

Is there any truth to these online studies? how has having a baby affected your happiness in life? (I know everyone loves their babies to bits, but I'm talking about personal satisfaction).

Thanks!

bmo88

Most of the studies I have read show that marital satisfaction decreases in the first year of having a child, even for the strongest couples. But that doesn't mean your relationship is ruined or that you will be headed for divorce. I think it is reflective of a major life change and the result of stress. Raising a child, especially in the first year/for new parents, can be very stressful. It will challenge you in ways you never though imaginable. How you handled it as a couple, working together, will impact your overall marriage. 

You and your husband may be just fine, though it may or may not be more difficult for him if his heart isn't really into wanting kids. It's great he is doing it to make you happy, but that's a risk in many ways. He could find out he really doesn't like having children, and come to resent it or be really dissatisfied. Or he could find out he really loves children and raising them. I guess you really won't know until you have a child.

[Deleted User]

This was also a concern of mine.  Even though we both want kids, and even though I think our relationship is very strong - I still worry.

The good parts of those studies show, however, that people who had kids were happier in old age than their childless counterparts! 

FemShep

Happiness is different as a parent. It's not staying out late, going to the latest restaurant, taking a cool vacation. It's not being able to sleep in when you feel like it, or go where you want when you want. It's not cooking a favorite meal even though it takes all day or spending weeks on end diving into a new hobby because it makes you happy.

Happiness as a parent is seeing a first smile. It's the tightest of hugs from little arms. It's knowing that you are the world to a little person, and wanting to give them the best life possible. It's holding your temper on two hours of sleep after your toddler threw their meal across the room. It's being experienced enough as a mom to have an extra shirt ready to wear when you see the spit up on your shoulder. It's seeing your kids become really cool people.

Happiness is different for different people, and at different times in their lives. Happiness will be different for you when you become a parent. You may be happier at times, less happy at others. I guarantee you'll be a heck of a lot more stressed.

If you, or your partner, have hesitation about becoming a parent, I'd suggest waiting. Being a parent is so hard, and will require strength, patience, and love. Better to wait and be sure than rush into something.

StarbucksShip

So this is something my husband and I talk about. We're not too worried as we're fairly good about communicating about annoyances, needs, or major problems. But, we've also probed our parents for an honest review of their own happiness. Because chances are we've learned to view parenthood through how they handled it. So if you don't put much stock into studies maybe some time interviewing your parents, aunts & uncles, and friends will help you define what your community feels about parenting.

On a more playful note, here's a good comic about parenthood and happiness (safe for work).

blondie87

This first year is hard because you are exhausted and trying to figure it all out, but like everything it's only as hard as you make it. Seeing your baby smile and coo and crawl, walk etc... helps you forget all of the crazy stuff. Just remember to make time for each other even if it's just a few minutes a day and try to have date nights when the baby gets older. Good luck!!!!

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

I wouldn't say it's less happiness it's just...different.  You find happiness and joy in things you didn't before and you start to see things through a child's eyes so going to the zoo is a totally different and happier experience.  And obviously if you found happiness in going out and doing a lot of childless activities, that changes too but you find it other ways.  And honestly, as the mother of a two year old, I never imaged someone pooping in the potty would make me feel elated

But seriously, does your relationship change, yes.  It's a major life change but if you're committed to it, you can do it.  And I'd argue that one of the new joys in my life I didn't have before is seeing my DH be a dad.

Designermomma

I always wanted kids but was annoyed by them in public places. (restaurants, movies, vacation) I even created a group in my neighborhood for people that didn't have kids. When I finally had one, it's like I flipped a switch and a light came on and now that's all I want to do is be with kids 24/7. The first time they say "mama" just melts your heart. The first year is rough with lack of sleep and lack of intimacy with your partner (because if hormones and lack if sleep) but if you go into it with those expectations and a strong partnership, it is well worth it. I could just listen to my baby giggle all day. My oldest son is the sweetest thing. He puts flowers in my cart at the store cause he wants me to have them. He wants to help mop the floor. I am defiantly happier with kids. Seeing them see things for the first time a learn and grow is inspirational. I have 2 now and seeing them interact is the most precious thing.