Infertility

Coping with feelings of envy and jealousy

My hubby and I have been TTC for over 1 1/2 years. All tests have come back normal; therefore, we find ourselves in the dreaded unexplained infertility category. My emotions are all over the place and I'm doing my best to keep hopeful. I'm having a hard time going to my OBGYN and being surrounded by pregnant women. In the time that we've been trying, friends have gotten pregnant and have had babies! I swear everyday I get on Facebook someone else is announcing they're pregnant. I'm just having a really hard time controlling my jealousy and being happy for those that are pregnant and I feel horrible about it. How do you all cope with these feelings?
TTC #1 since August 2013
Unexplained/ Endo
Medicated IUIs # 1-3 BFN
IVF #1- BFN
FET #1- BFP; Ectopic pregnancy found at 7wks
FET #2- February 2017 BFP  Beta #1- 119 (8dp5dt) Beta #2- 475 (12dp5dt)

Re: Coping with feelings of envy and jealousy

  • Your feelings are completely normal. My DH and I have also been ttc for 1.5years and my facebook is constantly filled with updates, announcements and photos. I used to feel jealous and angry. I'm not sure how I got past it but I feel like if I'm happy for others, it will happen faster for me. It's not that I'm not happy for them, I want what they have. We also have unexplained with a mild male factor. Very frustrating. good luck!
  • Thanks so much for your response. Just nice to not feel alone!
    TTC #1 since August 2013
    Unexplained/ Endo
    Medicated IUIs # 1-3 BFN
    IVF #1- BFN
    FET #1- BFP; Ectopic pregnancy found at 7wks
    FET #2- February 2017 BFP  Beta #1- 119 (8dp5dt) Beta #2- 475 (12dp5dt)
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  • When we had been trying for about two years, my younger sister accidentally became pregnant and the father is not in the picture. When I first found out I cried for days. Now that my niece is here, I couldn't be happier than when I'm around her. I think that helped make me stronger and able to keep it together.
  • Same feelings here...it's though, especially when it just seems like everyone you knownis getting pregnant. We found out in January that my little sister got pregnant her first month of 'not preventing it'. She has a history of unstable relationships and has been with her boyfriend for a year. My husband and I have been together for almost nine, trying for close to two. It feels awful to say, but I just can't be happy for her. I'm happy for a number of friends and other family members...but that one just feels too unfair.
  • I'm with you ladies. One of my good friends got pregnant their first month of TTC. Another good friend accidentally got pregnant and initially she and her husband were upset because they hadn't wanted kids just yet. And you see all these women popping out babies that don't take care of their kids. Life is certainly unfair!
    TTC #1 since August 2013
    Unexplained/ Endo
    Medicated IUIs # 1-3 BFN
    IVF #1- BFN
    FET #1- BFP; Ectopic pregnancy found at 7wks
    FET #2- February 2017 BFP  Beta #1- 119 (8dp5dt) Beta #2- 475 (12dp5dt)
  • I feel you!  I have actually deleted my facebook account because I could not look at anymore pregnancy announcements!
  • It's not healthy to feel this way but it's understandable to an extent. I say it's not healthy because it first help you get pregnant any faster and these feelings make you actually feel worse about your own infertility. Just try to tell yourself that it's not your baby so no reason to be upset. Tell yourself all life is meant to be and your time will come too.
  • I completely understand. I lost my baby to a missed miscarriage at 4.5 months and have been unable to conceive since my doctor gave us the greenlight to try again. Last week my 20 year old stepson informed my husband and I that he has gotten his 19 year old girlfriend pregnant. I've been a mess ever since. It just seems so unjust that people who are not up to the challenge are able to have a baby and others of us are not. I'm struggling to understand a world where this is how it works. I already see them doing everything wrong (she's still smoking) and wonder why, when I did everything right, they get this and I don't.
  • I understand how you feel my husband and I have been trying for 2.5 years last year we finally went to an RE and we were diagnosed with severe MFI. I remember trying and my older sister got pregnant her children were 13 and 14 at the time and it was an accident while on BCP. I felt awful but then I felt worse for not being happy for her. I also had a few friends that got pregnant on accident. I do believe that children are brought into the world for a reason and I hope one day we have our own. But recently my DH and I said we will be okay if this doesn't work. We have cried and been depressed especially since all our friends have and both friends and family keep asking us when so we just started telling them we don't want kids so they would leave us alone. We haven't told anyone except a few close family members. I think if you start focusing on other things that make you happy it will help with the feelings of jealousy. It will happens when the time is right. But that's just me being hopeful I try to be optimistic but seeing BFN's all the time doesn't help. I think you should still check out an RE if you haven't done so, since OB GYN's are not as knowledgeable as an RE. an RE might give you other options.
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP


      Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thanks MKLEWIS2010. We are trying one more IUI with our OB GYN then moving on to an RE if needed.
    TTC #1 since August 2013
    Unexplained/ Endo
    Medicated IUIs # 1-3 BFN
    IVF #1- BFN
    FET #1- BFP; Ectopic pregnancy found at 7wks
    FET #2- February 2017 BFP  Beta #1- 119 (8dp5dt) Beta #2- 475 (12dp5dt)
  • I know that feeling, we tried for 2 1/2 , with a miscarriage in the middle of that. About a week after our miscarriage we were told that my SIL was accidentally pregnant and it would have been on our exact due date. It took me a really long time to get over that and even talk to her again. It's hard to feel happy when your thinking it should have been you! But I will say after trying for 2 1/2 years we got our baby, then our second, and now our third. I know it's hard to hear but the absolute best thing you can do is have hope and be positive. ;)
    image BabyFruit Ticker VOTE on my Name List
  • DH and I actually went to counselling over this exact thing! My therapist told me to "put love and blessings into the world and then love and blessings will come back to you"... Kind of cheesy but it helped me. She also recommended yoga which has been helping as well. You're not alone with these feelings-- I promise!!! :)
    Married since September 2014
    Me: 32, Addison's Disease causing premature ovarian failure
    DH: 32, Testicular cancer survivor
    *Gameday decision** IUI or IVF cycle #1 beginning January '15 postponed to February '15
    Change of plans-- Donor Egg Cycle beginning Dec '15
    Currently we have our little fur-baby Milo to keep us busy! 


  • I just ordered the book Ever Upward. Has anyone ever read it? I'm hoping it helps.
    TTC #1 since August 2013
    Unexplained/ Endo
    Medicated IUIs # 1-3 BFN
    IVF #1- BFN
    FET #1- BFP; Ectopic pregnancy found at 7wks
    FET #2- February 2017 BFP  Beta #1- 119 (8dp5dt) Beta #2- 475 (12dp5dt)
  • We tried for 5 years. Went to an RE- tried drugs, injections, IUI. Finally got pregnant and then miscarried at 13 weeks (literally right after we started telling people). Tried again for another year and then almost got divorced because having a baby consumed our relationship. It became the only reason we were intimate and unless I was ovulating, I didn't see the point in having sex. Last June, I called my RE and told him we were taking a break and he was very understanding. He recommended we look into IVF as our next option and to let him know when we were ready to try again. It was the best thing we ever did. We went back to being a couple and enjoying each other. We decided to look into adopting. It was just pure freedom to stop tracking my cycle, body temperatures, ovulation kits, etc. I literally had no clue when my period was due. Then one day, I got nauseous at work for no reason. It took me 2 days to get up the courage to take a pregnancy test (since so many had been negative so many times). It took me another 2 weeks to tell my DH that the test was positive. Don't lose hope.
  • I think it is ok to struggle with these feelings, at my OB office, not only were there many pregnant women, but where you had to wait to get your blood drawn had a wall plastered with baby pictures....very hard to stare at when you are dealing with infertility and want a baby of your own. I think that what some of the women had suggested are very important  tools to deal with these feelings. I stopped going on Facebook, literally every week someone was announcing a pregnancy. I would check it if someone posted directly to my page, but I will stop that now since last night when checking a post  the top of my news feed was the pregnancy announcement of a friend of mine in her early 40s with her second baby:(  Happy for her, sad to think about where I am at in my journey. So, cut out Facebook it will make a huge difference. Say no to the baby shower invites. My sister in law is pregnant. I sent a card and gift card and my regrets....it is not selfish, you just don't need to put yourself in that position. Enjoy the things you won't be able to when you are finally pregnant....have a glass of wine (or two!), eat sushi (my favorite!), do physical activities you can't when pregnant (my husband and I love Scuba diving!). Seek help when you need it. I have an amazing sister and best friend and even co-workers as a support, but I am also considering seeing a therapist as I feel sometimes this can become an obsession as some of the ladies mentioned above and can lead to depression. Wishing all you ladies the best of luck and fertile thoughts! I hope that this helps!
    ******TW*****
    Me 39 DH44
    Married 8/2/14
    TTC 9/14
    Dx: PCOS, blocked L fallopian tube, suspect poor egg quality
    MFI (low #, poor morphology)
    IVF #1 9/15 Failed
    IVF #2 12/15 Failed
    1st DE FET  5/16-BFN :(
    2nd DE FET 7/18-BFP :)
    8/17 Baby HR 140/min EDD 4/6/17
  • I feel for you and I can tell you it is totally normal and you shouldn't feel bad. I was the exact same way, since I started fertility treatment just over two years ago I pretty much stopped going to any kids events (unless immediate family), especially baby showers and baptisms...so my way of coping was to distance myself until I felt ready. I also became a master of 'changing subjects' and redirecting topics of conversations that involved pregnancy or babies lol. Sometime DH would say the funniest and weirdest things to people when they asked us why we didn't have kids...they probably thought we were nutts! Everyone copes differently but you just have to do what you feel is best and don't worry about what other people think. Take one day at a time and don't loose hope :) wishing you lots of luck and strength. Hang in there
  • All of your thoughts and suggestions have been so helpful and encouraging. After seeing another pregnancy announcement on Facebook today, I've decided to deactivate my account and take a break for now. I think because it's such a sensitive subject for me, I'm hyper aware of everyone's comments. It seems to be the one personal subject people have no problem asking about. It's so hard when I get the question, "when are you going to have kids". I have one coworker that everytime I feel sick or have a dr appointment will say, "you're pregnant!" I don't want to talk about it but also wish people wouldn't keep bringing the subject up. After that long ramble, I'm just trying to say that it's HARD!
    TTC #1 since August 2013
    Unexplained/ Endo
    Medicated IUIs # 1-3 BFN
    IVF #1- BFN
    FET #1- BFP; Ectopic pregnancy found at 7wks
    FET #2- February 2017 BFP  Beta #1- 119 (8dp5dt) Beta #2- 475 (12dp5dt)
  • @lilmissslp I completely agree. When people ask me when I'm having kids I started to have a blunt response. This lady at my job kept asking me also every time I wasn't feeling well. Even when I said I want to lose weight because diabetes runs in my family she responds gestational diabetes? I don't get it you don't want me to talk to you about my period but you have no problem questioning when I'm having kids. So I told her I don't want kids and that I'm too selfish to have them and she finally left me alone. She made comments to me before that she doesn't respect people who don't have kids! I never heard that before I always say don't judge someone because you have no idea what they are going through people need to mind their business!
    Me - 32 
    Husband - 32
    TTC #1 - since 10/16/2012 
    IVF#1 6/2015 BFN 
    FET 7/2015 - BFP


      Pregnancy Ticker
  • My husband and I suffered from infertility for 18 years do to low sperm. We started treatments in 2011. I swear every time I turned around somebody was announcing they was pregnant and being invited to baby showers. I also worked for OB clinic and it was painful to see women pregnant and not happy about it. I use to smile and put up a good front but was dying inside. I become so depress that the infertility treatments did not work for us, we stopped in Dec 2013. I wanted to see a therapist, my husband told me his faith was strong and that it will happen, so I left it up to the lord. I got pregnant naturally in Feb 2015 after 13 years of marriage and 5 years of dating. I'm still in shock. I know 1 year 1/2 seems like a long time but never give up. I waited over a decade and those tears I shed was replace with joy and hope. Be patience miracles are with the wait.

    I can certainly relate to this. While I do have one child with my ex husband, when I remarried eight years ago we wanted to start TTC right away. His first wife actually got pregnant by another man because they weren't able to conceive and lied and said it was his for the first two years. I knew when I marrief him that he had undiagnosed fertility issues but I told him that I would not do the same to him because I was not marrying him just to have a baby. To make a long story short, he was diagnosed with extreme MFI and was devastated. I told him that we knew something was wrong but we also know that our faith is strong and that the Lord has put this strong desire in our hearts for a reason. Still we have had such a hard time with others getting pregnant so easily, especially when it's someone who didn't want anymore children or got an abortion, etc.( my husbands brother has 9 children by various women and is not a good father to any of them). I also took issue with my ex husband and his new wife (former mistress) each time they got pregnant. Anyway, I know that when the time is right it will happen because I feel a peace about it now and, of course, most people think I am nuts because we have tried for nearly eight years and still have faith but that is the definition of faith, isn't it. It is the substance (an actual substance) of things HOPED for and the evidence of things NOT YET seen. So, I say, if you believe in the Lord and what he did on the cross, never lose faith no matter what anyone says. This lady here is proof that faith changes things! Thank you so much for your testimony :)
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