Were you and your spouse ready to start trying at the same time?

mrsmtothek

My husband and I are on two different pages right now. He's dying to start a family, if he had his way we would've started as soon as we got married two years ago. Whereas for me, its been a constant struggle to wrap my head around the idea of being *ready*. I want children very much, but so much of the life-changing reality of having a baby makes me anxious, stressed out, and absolutely terrified we won't be prepared in every way. I was diagnosed with PCOS 2 months ago, which definitely made me feel more ready because of the potential problems we could face trying to conceive. I decided that they best way to approach all of this was to create a deadline, a time for us to stop being careful, which would leave me no choice other than to jump in the deep end of the pool. I chose the beginning of August. The deadline makes me feel like I'm coming to terms with everything, but also, I want to be able to enjoy a pregnant-free summer and just indulge. My husband just cannot understand where I'm coming from at all. He thinks I'm being selfish and ridiculous, that I'm not considering his feelings, what he wants, etc. Am I being selfish to want a "last hurrah" so to speak? I'm feeling just horrible and heartbroken to be disappointing my husband.

MWoodside

No, we were not on the same page at all any of the times we have TTC!  I am in the boat with your husband usually, always being the one to feel ready first.  My DH has baby fever this time though and I'm not yet ready so the tables have turned.  But historically, I've been ready WAY before (years) and he has pushed waiting.  It truly is so frustrating for the person who feels ready.  I, too, have PCOS so that was definitely a factor for me, but even before I knew that I was the one pushing it.

This time, I am in your boat, though.  I do want to enjoy this summer and discuss it more in the fall.  My reasons are a bit different just b/c I already have 2 kids so just in a different phase of life. 

Food for thought, I approach PCOS with a holistic approach as opposed to conventional medicine.  I am a root cause person so just going on clomid didn't appeal to me (and when I tried it it didn't go well) so what I have found that works is to take supplements that make my body have a regular cycle.  I am doing that now in preparation for when we TTC in the future.  So depending on how you are approaching your PCOS diagnosis and whether or not you cycle & ovulate on your own (I am not asking you to answer those questions here) it may be beneficial to begin addressing the PCOS so that when you truly feel ready your body is ready, too.

But to answer your larger question, parenthood is just life-changing in pretty much every way.  And so even though it was awful to have to wait for DH to feel ready and I felt really unheard, the fact of the matter is it will change both of your lifes so very much that you both have to be totally ready to TTC.  Ultimitely, you are the one carrying the baby through pregnancy.  And if you plan to BF, mama does most of the work early on after birth. And it's hard!  So, yes, you need to feel ready.

jnnfrrose6

We were the opposite of you (I was ready to start before him), but I respected his wishes to wait. It is unfair of him to make this hard on you. August isn't that far away anyways, but to claim you aren't considering his feelings when he is so clearly not considering yours by calling you selfish and ridiculous is wrong. FWIW, we had a "last hurrah" as well that included a trip abroad and it was great.

DanyTargaryen

He's being selfish putting pressure on you to start earlier than your ready. Especially considering you've picked a start date that is not too far off.

We were in the reverse situation as you. I've been ready for a couple years, MH was not. Any time I would bring up TTC he would say something about it still being a few years away in his mind. It was really starting to get to me and I realized that while it needed to be agreement between both of us to start trying, what he wanted was not more important than what I wanted. After finally admitting that to myself, this past October we sat down and had a long conversation about what he wanted and what I wanted - it ended with picking a planned TTC start date of this upcoming September.

For us that was a good middle of the road - I would have loved to start trying immediately, but he needed a bit more time. Now that September is getting closer, he's really excited about trying. Enough that we might push it up to July or August.

And I'm with you on the last hurrah. We're taking a trip to the Caribbean in September as an anniversary trip/"kick-off" to TTC. If we start TTC earlier and are lucky to be successful quickly, we'll still take the trip - I just won't be indulging in all those tasty rum drinks.

juliebeannn

DH and I are in the opposite situation -- I'm more ready than he is.  We were both very adamant about waiting to have kids but now as I approach 32 (DH 33), and our 4th wedding anniversary, I think it's time.  I'm still pretty anxious about the idea of bringing a child into this world, but I think we're both in a place where we can do it.  I was nervous to tell DH about it b/c I knew he would push off children as long as he could, not necessarily b/c he's not ready, but more b/c we're so comfortable right now and why mess with a good thing? Haha. 

So, a few weeks ago, I brought it up.  I have a weightlifting competition scheduled for 8/1, so I told him I'd like to start trying after that.  He was totally receptive and I think appreciated the fact that he'll (we'll) have a few months to savor our free-time.  Plus, we have a kitchen renovation starting in June, so I think we'd be in a better place to TTC after the dust has settled (literally and figuratively) from that.  I was thrilled that he didn't object and I'm actually getting really excited to TTC. 

Here's to having our last hurrah's ladies!

mickcole

Like most of the ladies here, my situation is the reverse of yours. I feel ready for TTC but DH's eyes turn into saucers most of the time when the topic comes up. He so enjoys his freedom and low level of responsibility right now. We did have a sit-down conversation about it last week, and even though his ideal timeline is farther into the future than mine, it's helpful to know exactly where we both stand. Now I'm not torturing myself with the unknown, which is scarier to me than anything else.

It sounds like you've been open and honest with him, and I think that's the best thing you can do. I'm sorry he's putting pressure on you. It's such a difficult thing when you're not in the same place as each other.

And no, you are NOT selfish. At the end of the day it's your body and your call. He should be respectful of that

beccabee92

I was definitely the one with baby fever in my marriage. My DH and I had agreed when we got engaged that we wanted children eventually. But we didn't have a specific timeline in mind. Just "eventually." I think my DH thought we would be well-established in our careers, have a big house and a dog, and a good nest egg saved up. For a while, I agreed with that, though the idea of being a mom hung in the back of my mind. 

Then, about a month ago, I literally woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I wanted kids much sooner! DH and I have been talking about it since then. I think he was a little freaked out that I wanted to change the plan, so to speak. We were on two totally different pages for about a week, and it was a little stressful. I definitely felt like I was disappointing him for not sticking to the timeline we had originally agreed on. Then, we finally sat down and looked at a calendar and our finances, and figured out a time to start TTC that would work for both of us. 

I'm sorry that your husband is putting so much pressure on you! Maybe just remind him that parenting requires compromise, and if he can't meet you in the middle now, how is he ever going to do it when you're raising babies? You are definitely not selfish. One of the most important decisions a couple makes it deciding when to have children. It should be a choice and an outcome that makes you both happy! 

Best of luck!  

peppers1227

While I don't have the issue with being on such different pages, I can completely relate to all your fears and anxieties! Those are my #1 fear about having a baby. Not nearly as afraid of pregnancy and labor compared to the huge change that affects every moment in your life, because priorities will never be the same after having a baby. I love children and want them desperately, but am still just afraid at the loss of "freedom". DH understands my fears but he doesn't seem to be quite as freaked out about them as me. It's funny too, because I have always been the one that wanted children MORE, but now I am the more afraid one! We are planning to TTC July/August this year, and I doubt I will be over my fears until we actually have the baby in arms and no longer care about the loss of "me" time like I do now!

violakat03

DH and I had a really long discussion before we jumped into TTC. We've been married 2 1/2 years and I've had baby fever for ... well, longer than that. But we were in a really awful financial and family situation until very recently and now we're finally to the point that we feel we are ready for a baby. There are still days I feel he's not completely on board and we have another chat about it and I've come to accept that he's just terrified at the idea of being a father but it's more the "omg how am I going to handle this" than "omg I'm not ready" and that he's also excited along with being terrified, and that's ok because I'm also both excited and terrified. 

So .. long story short, I was ready before he was, but I understood why we needed to wait. 

bbrianax

Nope, he's in the "thinking about it" stage and I'm in the "I'm ready" stage... Kind of stinks to be on two different pages.

Jennyl1414

My partner and I were on 2 different pages, I had wanted one for a while and he didn't. we both agreed we wanted to have one last big holiday before 'officially' trying. We booked the holiday and gave ourselves just under a year to come to terms with the aspect of trying. I think giving a deadline on when to start would give you both a chance to come to terms with it. My partner is a lot happier now he's had his holiday!! Lol x

FiancB

We go back and forth. Not long after we got married, H asked when I wanted to start trying and said he'd like to have started trying then, but I'm in school. So we tentatively agreed to try this fall so that I would have the baby over the summer when I'm done with school. 

So, I threw out the birth control last month and he got all freaked out. He didn't say no, but he wants me to dial back the baby talk and be a bit more discreet with the charting and he wanted me to keep taking it and I explained that I really wanted to make sure it would clear out of my system.

So we'll see if we actually end up TTC in the fall. He had that initial burst of baby rabies after hanging out with some friends' kids, so maybe we just need to do that more, lol. I think he just needs a little bit of time to let it settle in. I think it'll also help when I get my horse sold so that we have that income and less expenditures. 

mcmurray33

DH and I were on completely different pages.  I was feeling the pressure from my MIL the most.  DH def wanted to start TTC immediately.  He is one of those people that will deal with the consequences of a decision after the deed is done.  Nope!  Not me.  I want to think through the entire process start to finish and have a plan.  We got our finances under control,  DH had to get MIL under control, and after a couple of months I was ready.  So here we are TTC since April 2015. 

barefootbluejean204

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PibbleMom

Not even close. I was ready at "I do" he's taken about 18 mos longer but is finally on the same page. He just wishes we'd tried earlier... Lol

g8trkim

I don't think you're being selfish at all, but I do think you may be over thinking it a bit. Here's the deal... you're never totally ready. When it happens, it will be like "Whoa! I'm nervous. Are we ready for this?" But you are. It will be fine. I really don't think there's a wrong time or a perfect time. BTW you can still have fun and enjoy your summer when you're pregnant. I say go crazy and have some unprotected sex with your husband. And I do find it kind of sweet that he's so excited to start a family. You're ahead of a lot of people. Best of luck in whatever you decide!

vampbride99

My DH has been ready way before I have been. I wanted to finish school and get a better job before we started TTC.  I also wanted to make sure we had a place to live that was big enough to have a child live there and that we had a car.  Now that that's been taken care of, I'm starting to get the "baby fever" as they say lol, and I feel now much more ready that I felt a few years ago.  We agreed to start TTC in September this year so this summer will be our last hurrah haha.

I don't think you are being selfish for how you feel, rather I think he's being selfish for not considering your feelings.  At the end of the day, you will be the one carrying the baby and giving birth to them.  It's sweet that he's so ready, but you BOTH need to be ready for this.  You aren't letting him down just because you want a little bit more time.