Intro...today sucks (long)

FairDrea

Well, I don't know really how to begin this. It's sureal that I'm here, or at least it feels that way to me. 

I'll start off by saying I have two living children, both daughters, both wonderful, healthy and able to drive mommy nuts in a heartbeat. 

On October 9th (the actual due date of my first child) we would have added a third to our family. For anyone who's sensitive, you may not want to read this but I need to get this the heck out before it consumes me. 

Our third pregnancy was not planned. Roughly a month and a half ago I stood in the staff bathroom at work, staring down at a pregnancy test and having the air rush out of me in one huge, surprised rush because it was positive. I went in for a follow up as I usually do - get the blood work done to confirm. The next morning while I was trying to pull my girls off one another before they hurt each other and get everyone to school/daycare/work on time I got the call from the nurse to congratulate me because it was, in fact, positive. 

My first pregnancy was induced due to pre-eclampsia, with baby number two I had gestational diabetes and due to the stress I went through with my oldest delivery and the risks involved, I was scared out of my mind. I had a very difficult time trying to be happy about the fact that I was pregnant and feeling like a monster for my reaction but not being able to help myself. 

With my second daughters birth being relatively easy and her showing me right off the bat that it was entirely possible and quite easy to love another human being as much as i loved my first child, I faced this pregnancy with excitement. We're not in the best situation financially and just moved into a two bedroom house that wouldn't accommodate another child without some complications, but I was confident that it would work and we started planning - talking baby names, getting on the waiting list at the daycare my youngest is enrolled at, sharing the happy news to a select few. 

Then two weeks ago on a Thursday I started spotting. I didn't think anything of it at first and went about life. On day five of light but continuous spotting I started getting concerned, called my doctor and went in for labs. They got back to me the next morning to tell me that my HGC was on the lower side of normal and that my progesterone was at a 4.7. I had to look up why my progesterone level being that low was a bad thing because she didn't tell me really. I asked what the low numbers meant and she said "it could possibly indicate a miscarriage." I had a mini-freak out and scheduled the next round of labs to be done the following Friday to re-check levels.  

Never made it to Friday. By the next day the spotting had increased and I got that gut feeling that something just wasn't right. 

Thursday night I got a massive headache that wouldn't go away and started clotting which prompted a visit to the ER where they did a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm there was no fetal heartbeat. My HGC levels came back at 6400. I already knew what they were going to say and had prepared myself for it so no hysterics or anything. Just...quiet acceptance that there was nothing I could do and everything he was telling me (one of out six pregnancies, my wife went on to have six more after two, this happens all the time...you guys know the drill) was something I had already heard. We went home, told my mother-in-law what was happening and then I went to the bathroom...and it happened. I'm not going to get into details. Know it wasn't what I expected at all...told my hubby I was okay with it and then sat in the bathroom praying, apologizing and not knowing what the hell to do. When my DH asked if I was okay I yelled "No, I'm not okay!! There's a tiny fetus in the gd toilet. How the h*** am I supposed to be okay?!" 

Since then the cramping has minimized, the bleeding continues, and I haven't been sleeping very well...at all. 

I lay in bed at night and relive it...or just have a very difficult time trying to shut my brain off and go to sleep. The past three nights for sleep have just been horrible. My relationship with DH is fine for the most part but I find myself really reluctant to be intimate with him...even if it will be a while before we can. I find myself having difficulty having any positive thoughts towards intimacy. 

For about a week I told people I was okay, I felt like I was okay and today...I don't feel like I'm okay. I'm angry and sad and just experiencing a riot of emotions that are making me feel entirely unstable...and I'm at work. 

I'm angry that this isn't over yet - that I'm still spotting and that my body still feels like things are shifting back into place (like my hips...ugh). I'm angry that I have to wake up every morning to a reminder that this has happened. I'm angry that I was told my the nurse that next time I get pregnant my progesterone levels will be monitored very closely. And I know that it sounds really stuck up and I'm sorry....but I'm angry that I can't even have the hope of one normal pregnancy. So much so that for the past three days all I've been thinking about is how I DON'T want to get pregnant again and have to face the possibility of going through this or being afraid of going through this again. 
I keep thinking things that seem irrational to me....like wondering if those that I told think this entire thing is actually the truth or if I just fabricated some huge story or thinking about the personalities of my girls and how unique they are and wondering what my angel baby's personality would have been like. I go back and forth so often emotionally that I'm really starting to fear for my sanity and how well I'm actually handling all of this. 

I'm looking into scheduling a time with a counselor. There's so much stress in my life that isn't related to this (and that I wish I could share but can't) that I'm afraid for how I'm going to manage to hold up if I don't do something. 

And above all...I just feel this overwhelming heartache that a very selfish part of me wishes would just go away, even though I know it never will. 

yl1m32015

I think all of that it honestly normal. It's ok to go through these emotions. You're going to go through many stages of grief and that's ok. Losing a pregnancy just plain sucks and there's no way around it. It hurts

lilp2015

I'm sorry your are going through all of this. I just had a miscarriage/DNC last week. The physical seems so easy to deal with compaired to the emotional toll it takes on us. Luckily my dr prescribed me an anxiety medicine that I can take as needed to help relax me. I'm not sure I would be getting any sleep with out it

Manda6453

I agree that everything you're feeling sounds normal. There's such a flood of emotion and sometimes I just want to convince myself it wasn't a baby but just something else. Not that I want to believe I'm still pregnant, but more that I want to deny the whole thing. Then of course I feel guilty and selfish for wanting to be so cold. I just don't want to hurt anymore. Don't for a second think your feelings aren't okay. That being said, if there's ever a reason to talk something through with a therapist, this is it. GL on your healing.