Does anyone else worry about family members

trytry38ever

This will be my first baby and I am not to worried about my family more of my husband's. I really don't like the way his mother raised them and think she treated her girls like slaves. I am having a baby girl. Which scaRes me and she keeps referring to it as her baby and she even set up a nursery in her house. She also demanded that she go to the ultrasound and had me and my husband fighting because I did not want her there. His excuse for her is that it's her first grand baby but same with my mother too. We could only have one other person there and even my mom was saying that it's our private business and should go alone. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was constantly thinking about what a mistake having a child was because I really do not like his mother and it got to the point I wanted to run away with it or have an abortion. And this is after trying to conceive for almost a year. She also keeps buying stuff that I specifically told her not to because of the new safety protocols. The way she sees it is they used it back then it's safe for now. At this point I really don't even want her arround my baby. And my husband keeps saying that after its born I'll change my mind and not to make her mad because she's going to be helping a lot with the baby etc. I do not think so because one my mother is closer to us even my aunt is and i I would trust her more. Two we hardly ever see her now let alone when I'm going to be tired and cranky from the baby and still have to keep up with the house and stuff. I don't want to be rude and refuse her to see the baby but like I said before I do not want her around and I have talked to my husband and all it does is cause fights. I'm wondering if I'm just over protective and my nerves will calm down after the baby is born.

Baby3forus

LOL...I kinda feel you on this at times.  My daughters first haircut was given by M-I-L...no permission was given for her to do so,she took no pics, and did not even save a lock of hair for me to put in babybook.  I was pissed.  Now that i am pregnant again baby will not be with her alone if up to me.  I will not have these issues again.  My suggestion for you is .... You know you have to let her see the baby but limit it to when you feel ready and have a time limit.  You absolutely do not need to take her suggestions just let them go in one ear and out the other.   If you are like I was with my first then no its not your nerves and no it won't calm down after baby is here...it'll get worse.  LIMITS given up front to hubby and m-i-l will definitely help manage those after baby is born visits.

heatheremanderson

I worry about my sister in law. She has a scary case of hand that rocks the cradle syndrome and already stated 'you may wake up one time and the baby will be with me'........because that isn't terrifying.....

Good thing we are moving out of the city

pixieprincss

Ultimately--and I mean this in the nicest, gentlest way possible--this sounds like a boundaries and communication struggle between you and your DH. Is he open to growing in these areas? If so, a few counseling sessions focused on strengthening your skills in this area could be helpful or a marriage communication class or even a book to read and discuss together. Babies rarely, if ever, make communication simpler. If you can use the time until baby comes to find a unified front as a couple that is your best bet.

tyke29

When my first was born, I made the rule that my MIL could come over to visit with my DH here.  That helped us a lot. 

PS - She still does not keep my son.  I am not comfortable with it, so it does not happen.  He is 4.5 years old.   

kacdanz

No one has an impact on your child like you will. My grandparents were complete opposite of my parents and I spent a lot of time with them. However, my moral center or everything about me is basically shaped by my parentals!

xcitdmomma

My husband and I took measures while we were dating to ensure his mom wouldn't be bothering us incessantly. Your husband needs to confront her, so you guys need to be on the same page first.

As far as appointments and such, just don't tell her about them. Or is your husband? If he is, again, get on the same page. These battles cannot be fought independently.

Good luck!

AngieD82

Ugh! MIL's are so irritating! I'm sorry your husband is such a mommy's boy too; I know that doesn't help things. The things she bought for your baby, are they at your house? If so, you could take it back to wherever she got it from or just plain don't use them.

I myself am married to a bit of a mommy's boy. His parents live clear out in upstate New York, so thankfully I don't have to deal with her constantly; however, when she does come around, my husband is constantly taking her side, giving her the benefit of the doubt and never ever stands up for me. I feel your pain; it's maddening to be married to a mommy's boy.

PrimRoseMama

ladycersei said:

I became extremely agitated while reading this. Idk how you deal with your MIL who seems to keep your DH's ball sack firmly in her purse. Nothing you have said makes me thing you are overreacting. If anything, your DH is severely under reacting. He tells you not to make her mad??? What is he, 6 years old??

Hold your ground. Have a serious come to Jesus talk with your DH. Do not be afraid to put your foot down about things that you feel strongly about. I'm not saying to ban his mom from all things baby but feel freaking free to set up some strong boundaries with her. This is your baby. You do what you feel is right and do not let that woman try to run you over with her demands. Stand strong. I'm rooting for you.

All of this. My MIL is a controlling, Tiger-Mom from Hell. My H has been on my side & setting boundaries with both babies from the beginning.

My MIL still bitches & tries to back-seat parent. I've had to calmly & politely remind her many times that we are the parents & our rules are the ones everyone is going to follow.

She's pissed & moaned, but has respected our rules so far. Your husband needs to be a united front with you. Otherwise you will seriously resent him & it will eat away at your marriage.

Have that come-to-Jesus with him ASAP. You made the baby with him, not his mother. If you don't want her in the delivery room or up your ass after delivery then put your foot down.

Who cares if she's butthurt or harps on your husband? He's a big boy now. He needs to handle his mother & not worry so much about "making her mad". She will live.

Your needs in delivery & post partum trump his incessant need to please his mother.

gypsea1109

My Husband and his mom hardly get along, but his mom wedges herself in all the time! She raised 7 kids and thinks she knows everything. But that was a different time! 

Crunchy mamas (like me) are not going to listen to advice from mothers who raised their kids totally opposite back in the 80's. Like you (OP) said, safety protocols are different now! 

I think you need to get your Husband in your court, and make sure he knows, this is your baby. This is not her baby. She can set up a nursery and do whatever she likes, but that baby might never spend a night at her house if you say no. 

And you never have to feel bad about telling family other than your Husband to get out of the delivery room. They need to respect you!

ksdphillips

This is definitely a conversation your husband needs to have with her. Battling with his mother is not up to you. Boundaries need to be set and he needs to be the one enforcing them. My husband had to have a similar conversation with his mother, not fun by any means but it needs to happen before that baby comes. If he won't stand up and deal with it, you need to seriously look into getting some marriage counselling so a 3rd party can help with the communication issues. And from there, set the boundaries yourself - if you don't want your baby sleeping there, then don't let baby sleep there, limit time spent and put your foot down in regards to appts and delivery room attendance. Hope it gets better!

maryruthy12

I'm worried about my MIL!  She takes a lot of prescription drugs, I think she is addicted. There have been plenty of times where she spaces out and slurs her words. It is a very sad sight, and she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with her. I want her to be apart of our sons life, but will never feel comfortable leaving her alone with him. She isn't alert when she is on the drugs, and she has admitted to not having any emotions. I have talked to my husband and told him he will be the one who has to the have to the conversation with her. Although it is our son, I feel that it is his place to deal with his mother. And if he doesn't I will have to and I won't be so kind about it. I love her, but I will not trust her with the life of our son. She just seems selfish and I wish she would listen to us and get the help she needs, but denial is an ugly thing. Hopefully when our son is born in august (My MIL birthday month too) she will wake up.

CaliforniaDream87

That's his mother. You can just say "you don't want her around". There has to be a compromise WITH restrictions that your husband must put in place. Your husband needs to address this with her. If you two aren't on the same page with her then you have a problem.

trytry38ever

I have not replied to this because most postings are super rude. First of all I never said I have had any problems with my husband. Most of you obviously do not realize that his mom is his mom and my mom is my mom. He is most likely more comfortable with her watching the baby then my mom because he knows her and was raised by her and does not see the wrongs she has done. By all means my mother is not a saint either. But I am more comfortable with her flaws then my MIL. So for any of you saying oh he needs to get his balls back etc I feel bad for and will not comment on what you can do.

But since I posted this my DH has realized that she is 1000% crazy and has talked to her telling her to think before she acts, to not stock up at her house because we need the stuff not her and that it is our baby not hers etc. I think it's because he thought that's how everyone acts with the first grand baby but eventually realized she took it to the extreme.

What made me the most upset in my original post was she thought the baby would be over at her house so much and therefore needing a nursery of her own. This being my first baby I am not comfortible leaving that baby for sleepovers anywhere and I do not believe will be happening till after she is older. I relieze of course that she is part of the family and I have no intention of keeping the baby away from her. She may baby sit if it is easy on us but as in my first post she lives out of the way so honestly I don't think that will be happening much because we have closer easier alternatives.

So all in all I believe we have finally came to a understanding of each other and she has calmed down quiet a bit after my DH spoke to her thank you for those of you who actually gave good advice on not just ragging on my relationship or my DH. I think I was a bit emotionaland overwelmed at the time I posted and well my MIL was nuts for a bit.