PLEASE give me some advice

whatasurprise89

Hi everyone. I have a really long and complicated story, and I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point. Please don't judge, as I already have been crying a lot and for my unborn baby's sake, I want to keep it to the minimum. So here is my story:

I'm 25. I've dated a guy on and off for a total of 3 "ons" for the past 3 years. The first two times it was ended was my decision because I basically wasn't ready for the relationship. I was in college, and then grad school, I was in an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship before that and I think I just needed my college experience... The last time we were together was from Jan2014 to July2014. Everything was great. We had our moments, but all in all, we def were saying ily and enjoyed spending time together. He's always been pretty head over heels for me. He always wanted what was best for me and while we didn't see eye to eye on everything, we were, looking back now, a pretty great match. Anyway, I suddenly became uninterested in him, and so unemotionally available in July, and I didn't know why. I went from hot to cold so fast. I blamed it on my hypothyroidism, because I looked around online and it said if your thyroid is messed up, emotionally you can be messed up too. I went to the dr...I explained everything, and he found out my thyroid levels were off. Well long story short, by the time the thyroid levels were back to normal I already pushed this guy far away. I told him to stop calling me babe, because it made me sick to my stomach and I stopped being intimate with him, no cuddling even. just completely disengaged. I explained how i felt and why i thought i felt like that, but I also didn't make any effort, and he got tired of trying i guess. long story short: we ended it for the third time, and both of us weren't about to continue trying when we were already looking like idiots to our family/friends. 

So then I went to the dr in October, and found out i was pregnant. 23 weeks 6 days pregnant!...I couldn't believe it, but it started making sense...why my thyroid was suddenly irregular and needed to be upped in dosage that summer...why my hormones were weird...and yes, i realized why i wasn't getting my period, but my period has always been extremely irregular so I didn't exactly think that was a big deal prior to the dr appt. Anyway, it's hard enough to tell a guy you're pregnant, but telling him at 23 weeks and 6 days pregnant, when you dont talk anymore, and the last time you guys dated you were starting to hate him and think of all his cute/nice traits as flaws...I just didn't want to deal with it with all this on my plate. So I told my parents I wanted to tell everyone it was a sperm donor. I'm 25, I have a great job, and I also didn't think it was fair that his life completely change when he had the chance at a "normal" life, especially since I "knew" i didn't want to be with him because he made me so sick the last time we were together. ...so my parents said to think about it, but at that point I was set on my decision and convinced myself it was the right thing to do. 

So then I started reading about first trimester hormones and how sometimes it makes you pretty much disgusted by your partner. Everything people were saying, described how I felt about him before we broke it off. I hated how he walked, how he looked, his jokes, everything. So I was like "shit, what if we are meant to be, I have this kid, and he doesn't know it's his, and the reason we broke it off last time is because of first trimester hormones that we both didn't even know about. 

Finally I got the nerve to text him this past week, and he told me he was spending vday with the "new girl" from about an hour away. He said "I think you know i tried everything to be with you"...and that's when I decided again that if he is moving on, for the first time in forever (he's been head over heels for me since we started years ago), that it might be wrong to tell him that in 2 weeks he's going to have a child.  

Today I sat up and looked at emails/letters we wrote to each other and I cried while reading his 100 reasons he loves me...his birthday letter to me...etc. I truly believe we would be together if I didn't think those first trimester hormones were just my thyroid...and I knew I was supposed to feel that way. Now i want to run to this guy and tell him everything...but i just can't i feel. In 2 weeks or less this baby will be here and everyone thinks its a sperm donor, when really its this amazing guy, and I just don't know how to tell him. Part of me wants to tell him after the baby is born because it might be too much for him to hear that in 2 weeks the baby will be here, and then hes expected to change everything and come to the delivery room? After we weren't together all this time and didn't even talk much besides the random facebook messages with him saying how much he wishes things were different...? IDK. 

I also want the best for my baby, and i know people would feel so lucky to have a baby daddy whose not a complete bum, bc this guy isn't. so i feel even more guilty to my daughter. 

What would you do?

Kyklingborg

tell him now. Its his decision if he wants to be in the delivery room.. And be there. You can't take that away from him. If he decides it's too much and he wants a normal life.. Then that's on him too. But it is his child too.

mands1125

I'd tell him immediately

t8keepr03

I agree with others. Tell him and let him decide how much he wants to be involved.

junebugjam

You need to tell him now. It will only get harder the more time you let go by. It's just as much his child as yours and he has a right to know.

babybou3

I agree with the above. I would tell him, but you will also need to prepare yourself emotionally in case he doesn't want to be a part of your life anymore. You are young and it sounds like you have a lot going for you and you have a strong head on your shoulders. Just be sure to put baby and you as the top priority. He is a big boy, and he will have to make his own decision. **side note, my husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years (baby 3). My emotions and hormone levels were so far off this time around I had the same emotional/physical connection with him that it sounds like you had in your relationship. I even went as far as thinking he was just a roommate and I didn't ask him for help with anything concerning me and the kids. This has caused a few rocket months for us. But it'll all work out. - ask yourself, what are you wanting from him. Are you looking for a dad for your daughter, are you looking for a husband/relationship with him, how do you want him to be a part of your family? Do you want child support? He may also ask for a paternity test - which try not to get worked up over. This will just give him a piece of mind. Once you know the answers to these questions, consider what you would "accept" as an answer. If it's not what you would accept be ready to walk away.

whatasurprise89

thank you so much. I'm really not sure what I want. I don't want to let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like the ideal situation would be starting out as parents, and if we got along well enough and were able to form a relationship that's lasting...(slowly, for the sake of the child's psychological well being)...i would want to possibly be able to become a family...

 How do you suggest I tell him? Do I tell him everything at once...starting with why i left? or do i just explain that I'm pregnant and she is his ...

babybou3

Something that might help you is to write out what you want to tell him. Bullet point it or whatever works for you. This way you say everything on your mind and don't regret/forget something that is important to you. Try and keep your relationship (past and future) expectations out of this conversation. It should be about your daughter. Bring the cheat sheet if you need it when you meet up. I would anticipate his questions - and don't make excuses for the past. I would just say that after thinking about your emotional/hormonal state after the two of you separated you knew something wasn't just right so after however long you decided to go to the doctor where you found out you were pregnant. The rest of the discussion would be informing him that you are prepared to have the child on your own, but also wanted to provide him with the opportunity to be involved in your daughters life including the birth. I would anticipate his questions (such as child support, paternity test, etc). Inform him of what your wants are. Then wait for his reply. Don't be worried/nervous if he doesn't say anything and doesn't know how to act/reply. You just threw a lot at the guy in a 20 min conversation. It might be nice if you tell him that you don't expect an instant answer in anything that you mentioned, but he should think about and let you know. Make sure you give him the info re: labor/delivery date (if it's scheduled) and the hospital that you will be going to. That way he has it in case your little one comes before a follow up conversation you have with him. you can just call/txt him them stating your in labor and at the hospital if he would like to be there. **after this conversation relax and treat yourself to something nice. You are being a very strong women to confront your fears/emotions. ** just don't expect to much from him after you tell him. He might just sit there without any emotion. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

crispywheats

whatasurprise89 said:

Hi everyone. I have a really long and complicated story, and I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point. Please don't judge, as I already have been crying a lot and for my unborn baby's sake, I want to keep it to the minimum. So here is my story:

I'm 25. I've dated a guy on and off for a total of 3 "ons" for the past 3 years. The first two times it was ended was my decision because I basically wasn't ready for the relationship. I was in college, and then grad school, I was in an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship before that and I think I just needed my college experience... The last time we were together was from Jan2014 to July2014. Everything was great. We had our moments, but all in all, we def were saying ily and enjoyed spending time together. He's always been pretty head over heels for me. He always wanted what was best for me and while we didn't see eye to eye on everything, we were, looking back now, a pretty great match. Anyway, I suddenly became uninterested in him, and so unemotionally available in July, and I didn't know why. I went from hot to cold so fast. I blamed it on my hypothyroidism, because I looked around online and it said if your thyroid is messed up, emotionally you can be messed up too. I went to the dr...I explained everything, and he found out my thyroid levels were off. Well long story short, by the time the thyroid levels were back to normal I already pushed this guy far away. I told him to stop calling me babe, because it made me sick to my stomach and I stopped being intimate with him, no cuddling even. just completely disengaged. I explained how i felt and why i thought i felt like that, but I also didn't make any effort, and he got tired of trying i guess. long story short: we ended it for the third time, and both of us weren't about to continue trying when we were already looking like idiots to our family/friends. 

So then I went to the dr in October, and found out i was pregnant. 23 weeks 6 days pregnant!...I couldn't believe it, but it started making sense...why my thyroid was suddenly irregular and needed to be upped in dosage that summer...why my hormones were weird...and yes, i realized why i wasn't getting my period, but my period has always been extremely irregular so I didn't exactly think that was a big deal prior to the dr appt. Anyway, it's hard enough to tell a guy you're pregnant, but telling him at 23 weeks and 6 days pregnant, when you dont talk anymore, and the last time you guys dated you were starting to hate him and think of all his cute/nice traits as flaws...I just didn't want to deal with it with all this on my plate. So I told my parents I wanted to tell everyone it was a sperm donor. I'm 25, I have a great job, and I also didn't think it was fair that his life completely change when he had the chance at a "normal" life, especially since I "knew" i didn't want to be with him because he made me so sick the last time we were together. ...so my parents said to think about it, but at that point I was set on my decision and convinced myself it was the right thing to do. 

So then I started reading about first trimester hormones and how sometimes it makes you pretty much disgusted by your partner. Everything people were saying, described how I felt about him before we broke it off. I hated how he walked, how he looked, his jokes, everything. So I was like "shit, what if we are meant to be, I have this kid, and he doesn't know it's his, and the reason we broke it off last time is because of first trimester hormones that we both didn't even know about. 

Finally I got the nerve to text him this past week, and he told me he was spending vday with the "new girl" from about an hour away. He said "I think you know i tried everything to be with you"...and that's when I decided again that if he is moving on, for the first time in forever (he's been head over heels for me since we started years ago), that it might be wrong to tell him that in 2 weeks he's going to have a child.  

Today I sat up and looked at emails/letters we wrote to each other and I cried while reading his 100 reasons he loves me...his birthday letter to me...etc. I truly believe we would be together if I didn't think those first trimester hormones were just my thyroid...and I knew I was supposed to feel that way. Now i want to run to this guy and tell him everything...but i just can't i feel. In 2 weeks or less this baby will be here and everyone thinks its a sperm donor, when really its this amazing guy, and I just don't know how to tell him. Part of me wants to tell him after the baby is born because it might be too much for him to hear that in 2 weeks the baby will be here, and then hes expected to change everything and come to the delivery room? After we weren't together all this time and didn't even talk much besides the random facebook messages with him saying how much he wishes things were different...? IDK. 

I also want the best for my baby, and i know people would feel so lucky to have a baby daddy whose not a complete bum, bc this guy isn't. so i feel even more guilty to my daughter. 

What would you do?

If he's a good guy, I think it's only fair you tell him.

yoursincelery

Tell him everything you're certain about. Thyroid and pregnancy emotions totally clouded your judgment? Tell him. Be completely open and honest. Leave nothing unsaid because you might regret it. Best of luck!!!

ems0523

I agree with PP's about telling him everything. From your original post, he sounds like a great guy and deserves the opportunity to be a dad. Best of luck to you, please let us know how everything goes.

cndupree15

Tell him and give him the opportunity to decide what he wants

majoah

Tell him now, but also be prepared for anything... Good luck!

mrs&mrsk

tell him. 

did they not test your blood when you got your thyroid medication increased? seems risky.

whatasurprise89

I know! my dr is an idiot!!! That's part of the reason I took so long to find out (besides probably subconsciously refusing to accept why I was showing pregnancy signs)

whatasurprise89

SO I told him. sort of. I told him through fb message that I wanted to meet and talk. I said that I have been rewriting and erasing a message for days now and I don't know how to tell him something ...he asked what it was about and I told him I'd rather talk in person. he wouldn't really accept meeting up with me without knowing why...I think it might be because he doesn't want to screw up what he has with the "new girl", and also because he doesn't want to be surprised...he's not really one to handle drama.  Long story short, I asked him "hypothetically, if I was pregnant and it was your child, would you want me to tell you or let you live a normal life"...like i said, I didn't want to just up and tell him on fb message. He ended up answering the question with "normal life" ... he also said that he would kill me (figuratively not legit)...because I didn't tell him it was his before this. I kinda probed further by saying "but hypothetically, if i got pregnant, and didn't know I was pregnant and found out and started telling people it was a sperm donor because we weren't talking anymore and you would have a chance at a normal life...blah blah blah would you want to know or have me not tell you and keep it a secret?"  the answer was normal life. So i said okay and when he asked the due date I told him ...well what if it was in like March, or in a week, would you wanna know or would you want that "normal life"...he said nah (he wouldn't wanna know). 

when I told my friend about this...she said she was proud of me for actually going 70%...she also said she thinks any sane person with half a brain would know why I needed to ask that question, and that after he processes it for a little while, he will probably call me and want to meet up or ask me for the real reason for the "hypothetical" question. At this point, I feel like if he doesn't call he pretty much is being given that chance for the "normal life" without having to feel guilty for it? Idk. 

camilu87

He knows. If he doesn't call that is his decision. Let him stew and if he calls, he calls. If not you were already ready to do this on your own. Let him be and see what happens. Focus on you and the baby.

StephanieLBerg

whatasurprise89 said:

SO I told him. sort of. I told him through fb message that I wanted to meet and talk. I said that I have been rewriting and erasing a message for days now and I don't know how to tell him something ...he asked what it was about and I told him I'd rather talk in person. he wouldn't really accept meeting up with me without knowing why...I think it might be because he doesn't want to screw up what he has with the "new girl", and also because he doesn't want to be surprised...he's not really one to handle drama.  Long story short, I asked him "hypothetically, if I was pregnant and it was your child, would you want me to tell you or let you live a normal life"...like i said, I didn't want to just up and tell him on fb message. He ended up answering the question with "normal life" ... he also said that he would kill me (figuratively not legit)...because I didn't tell him it was his before this. I kinda probed further by saying "but hypothetically, if i got pregnant, and didn't know I was pregnant and found out and started telling people it was a sperm donor because we weren't talking anymore and you would have a chance at a normal life...blah blah blah would you want to know or have me not tell you and keep it a secret?"  the answer was normal life. So i said okay and when he asked the due date I told him ...well what if it was in like March, or in a week, would you wanna know or would you want that "normal life"...he said nah (he wouldn't wanna know). 

when I told my friend about this...she said she was proud of me for actually going 70%...she also said she thinks any sane person with half a brain would know why I needed to ask that question, and that after he processes it for a little while, he will probably call me and want to meet up or ask me for the real reason for the "hypothetical" question. At this point, I feel like if he doesn't call he pretty much is being given that chance for the "normal life" without having to feel guilty for it? Idk. 

This doesn't sound like he knows at all and he deserves to know the truth, over Facebook or not, and deserves the chance to make up his own mind on whether or not he decides he wants to be in the picture. Mostly, I feel he should know strictly on the principle that he hasn't signed his rights away, if that's what he would decide to do, and then you get a wild hair up your ass later and decide to slap him with child support, which is totally (and shittily I may add) legal even though he wouldn't know he had a child out there. At least if you tell him, it'll give him the chance to decide to be in her life, or decide to walk away completely. But I feel he deserves the chance to protect himself legally and financially.

Don't be a puss and beat around the bush, grow some balls! Call him, tell him you're pregnant, and let him decide his best options. "Normal life" or not, both of you are acting like children and need to be adults about this. Take it from someone who's mother used her against her own father, and vis versa, all her life because her parents weren't emotionally ready and mature enough to handle raising a child! Get your affairs in order now before she even gets here so you both can decide where to go from there, it's no longer about you and him sweetheart, from now on this baby comes first and you need to be putting HER best interest and comfort ahead of your own!

TexasMamma0809

Yeah, this doesn't constitute telling him. He has a right to be angry so don't take it personal when he is. But be straightforward. Being shady is only going to ruin whatever communication lines you might salvage still. Call him.

Mommalawyer

I'm sorry, but this is a painfully heartbreaking awful story. Good Lord. For a moment I stopped feeling sorry for myself over my crumbling marriage and impending birth.

Talk to him. Tell him the situation. You haven't exactly put the ball in his court. You need to. If he's a nice guy, like you profess then he'll do the right thing, whatever that may be. If he's an ass, then move on. Being a single mom isn't easy. But it's easier than being with an ass. Trust me. I wish I wouldn't have told DDs "father" I was pregnant. He was packing to move across the country and I wish I would have waited until he left before telling him. Things would have been much easier.

whatasurprise89

Well I called and asked to meet up sometime this week, or at any time soon and he said he has a wonderful gf now and doesn't want to. So I said it's not about getting back together. He didn't care and was very short with me. I still feel like If he said he would rather me not tell him in a hypothetical situation, he a. Wouldn't want to have this be a part of his life and b. Knows.

He isn't an idiot. And he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't ask him that without there being truth to it. I asked him more than once. And I asked him enough Times for him to realize it wasn't just a what if story. one time he even said "please" after I said "what if I just didn't tell you though, you would rather that, and have a normal life?" But if I just come out and say it, he wouldn't be able to say he wants a normal life. And Tbh if that's his choice I think it's better off that he isn't involved, at least for now. Not just for his sake, but my daughter's and my own sake. I'm too stressed already. Just telling him this and his response made me start crying, so I feel like im happy with it at least for now. I have 9 days until she is born and I wanna focus on her, not him and how he is processing it. I want to be excited, not hear about how this is gonna change his life bc I say it upfront and force him to take responsibility when he obviously is not ready to.

I feel like at this point, I opened the lines of communication and asked him to meet up. I told him that I would meet up at any time, but that sooner would be ideal.

He can either call or not, as nice as he is, he's also not stupid. He knows what I meant when I said hypothetical.

anxiousmommy85

Are you friends on Facebook? Because he can file for custody just as easily as you could for child support and that would be far more stressful. I'd recommend being straight forward and telling him that if he wants a "normal life" as it's been dubbed that he'll need to sign papers terminating his parental rights. No emotional limbo for anyone that way.

mrsclark731

anxiousmommy85 said:

Are you friends on Facebook? Because he can file for custody just as easily as you could for child support and that would be far more stressful. I'd recommend being straight forward and telling him that if he wants a "normal life" as it's been dubbed that he'll need to sign papers terminating his parental rights. No emotional limbo for anyone that way.

Best advice you've received. Cover your ass...! 

srcr2011

If it were me, and someone hypothetically asked me question,I would think they were just trying to get me back with some story. You need to flat out tell him you are pregnant. No hypothetically BS. He deserves to know, regardless of how the chips may fall in the end. Good luck to you and your daughter!

ryanmichael1208

I think the ladies are right, you need to be completely honest and tell him. You may have thought you were doing the best thing, but in reality it's not. This isn't just about you and your ex, but an innocent baby. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I come from a place of familiarity. There's not enough room to type the bat shit crazy story, but trust at the end of the day you have to be honest for the baby who has the right to know. Best of luck!

CatyP

I think you need to be straightforward and tell him. It's his child as much as yours and he should be able to choose if he wants to be involved or not. Also think about what you will tell your child in 10 years when he is curious about his dad. Would you be comfortable telling him it was a sperm donor when you know who the dad really is? I wish you the best of luck with this!

janetngreg

This is definitely a tough situation. The hypothetically comment might just make him think you're testing him to see if he would get back with you, like a control issue. If you've hurt him in the past he's obviously going to be reluctant to meet up. I think you need to flat out tell him you're pregnant, it's his, you don't expect him to know exactly what to do but you thought he should know. Then just be still. Wait and see how things unfold and move forward knowing you were honest.

whatasurprise89

So I had him meet me tonight, at my house, and we sat in the car and talked about it. He was not angry but he was very surprised. His initial reaction is as follows: he is moving to the other side of the country in like a year and doesn't see how he could do this. he doesnt mind financial obligations (brought up by him, not me), but does not see it possible that we ever have a house and kids and all that together...he is upset i didnt tell him sooner but he isn't at the place in his life to be a father...and doesn't see how him coming around every once in a blue moon is going to be good for the child. we sat in the car and he kept asking if I understood what he was saying and he said it was his initial reaction but he needs to talk to his father and then hes going to call me tonight to talk about it. He asked me what I expect of him and I said it's really not my choice how he deals with this, I can't force him to do anything either.

Kinda nervous about what he's going to say.

tropicbreeze

JMO, he might flip flop a few times on what he says he is going to do since all this information will take a bit to sink in. Good job on telling him.

whatasurprise89

Thanks, he just called me again and said that his parents told him he has to make the decision on his own, and he said he doesnt see how it would be a good thing for him to be involved at all.

whatasurprise89

I told him I would feel more comfortable telling him if the baby is being born and I'm at hospital and he didn't oppose. When I go in should I let him know? Also, do you think he will eventually regret this and want to be in her life, or does a guy whose actually a genuinely nice person really have the ability to go through his life not knowing his own daughter or asking about her?

StephanieLBerg

whatasurprise89 said:

I told him I would feel more comfortable telling him if the baby is being born and I'm at hospital and he didn't oppose. When I go in should I let him know? Also, do you think he will eventually regret this and want to be in her life, or does a guy whose actually a genuinely nice person really have the ability to go through his life not knowing his own daughter or asking about her?

All great questions that only he can answer, sadly. Only he can decide how he wants to handle his half of the situation and all you can do at this point is handle your half of the situation to best of your ability.

whatasurprise89

Just an update hoping for some responses.. Texted him I was in hospital and he never responded. I told him I was in labor and no response to that either. I find this incredible. My baby is the best but I do feel bad for her. She is a healthy baby and everyone says she is so beautiful and perfect it's annoying that he didn't even request an update. But yea!

knowmeinadifferentlight

whatasurprise89 said:

Just an update hoping for some responses.. Texted him I was in hospital and he never responded. I told him I was in labor and no response to that either. I find this incredible. My baby is the best but I do feel bad for her. She is a healthy baby and everyone says she is so beautiful and perfect it's annoying that he didn't even request an update. But yea!

Congratulations on your healthy little girl.

I cannot predict what he will do, but please keep in mind that even though you've only known since week 23, you've had more time to wrap your head around it all than he has. PP is probably right that he will flip flop. He probably ended up thinking you practically hated him, and now he finds out he is a father. I'm not trying to guilt you or take his side, but I'm practical in thinking that news like this has to be mulled over and processed a few times, at least for most people. He was on one path, and suddenly several forks in the road appeared out of nowhere right before his eyes. Hang in there and try to be understanding that he may be pacing the floor every day, trying to figure out what to do. I wish you the best, and particularly your baby girl.

whatasurprise89

He told me he sees no reason to stop telling people it's a sperm donor... And I told him that that's fine but I will be telling her the truth (which is the right thing to do right?) and he doesn't really care as long as nobody he knows knows it's his... I'm upset but I agree it can take time