VBAC
Getting Hubby on Board
I'm pregnant with my second child due in August. My first baby was a csection due to "failure to progress" AKA failed induction (I WASN'T READY! I TOLD YOU!). Before I even consented to the CSection with my daughter, I demanded my OB commit to allowing me to VBAC my second. I had already done a LOT of research on birth methods and was not happy about the CSection.
Flash forward two years - I am a terrific candidate for VBAC. Never got to active labor, "childbearing hips," within delivery and BMI requirements, and have the desire. I've done a lot of research about the risks associated with both VBAC and R/CS (about 2 years of research) and am very aware that for me, the VBAC is the way to go. I'm exceptionally committed to my decision and feel strongly about it.
However - I have NO support around me. My mother in law believes that I am being "risky" and my husband can't understand why I'd risk a uterine rupture - his comment was, "If I told you 1/200 people died in a plane crash, would you ever fly?" He also mentioned that if I had to work so hard to find a supportive provider, it's probably not a safe option. In the past two years, I have shared multiple VBAC stats with him, we've had the conversation 100 times, and yet I still don't feel that I have his support. I'm terrified that without his support, I will get to the delivery room and cave to the "easy" R/CS. The most frustrating part? Until I first brought up the conversation of a VBAC, he didn't realize that it was even an issue after a c/s. Gah!
How did you get your husbands and support people on board? Did they have concerns? How did you address them? Did you have your hubby's full support in the delivery room? Did it make a difference?
Re: Getting Hubby on Board
Ugh. I feel your pain @Wering.
Some background: I had a traumatic emergency c-section with my first due to baby's heart decels. After, of course, I opted for the cascade of interventions which, i do believe, played some role. Fortunately, OB told me right after coming out of recovery that I was a good candidate for a VBAC. I am now due with baby no. 2 in April.
My first birth was really scarring to me and I spent a lot of time over the last 2 years with the what-ifs, and self-blame, and anxiety on how I might have done anything differently to have avoided the emercency C. A VBAC ... or at least a TOLAC, has been so important to me, I wanted to try everything possible to make it happen ...
My husband has always been ok with the VBAC because the doctor said it was ok, but his limit is at anything the doctor recommends. There were a few times early on in this pregnancy where I was questioning my OB and asking about options and telling him, for example, that it "might not be so bad if my water broke to wait a while at home" even though the doctor said she'd want me to come in right away for monitoring... that sort of thing. That did not sit well with him and I have learned that if I do anything to insiunate that I'd do anything more "naturally" than the doctor recommends, or if I imply the doctor might have other motives (like a hospital's labor "clock") he gets very uncomfortable and angry, accuses me of being a conspiracy theorist. At one point - even threatened that if I "continue to act like this, this will be our last kid." (We have always planned on a third.) Basically, I was going through the motions of educating myself and he couldn't really understand and saw it as me being "crazy" and irresponsible.
Anyway, I ultimately recognized we were coming from the same place - we both want what's safest - but were on different pages about how to achieve that outcome. We just sort of hashed out where we were each coming from. He was always going to default to Dr.'s orders. I have done more research than him and know that doctors DO have certain institutional concerns that don't always make them the most VBAC friendly people on earth. On the other hand, I've read some loss birth stories where women took the natural birth/trust-yourself-over-the-doctor thing too far and THAT would be the kind of regret I simply couldn't live with. Once he recognized safety WAS my number one concern (and not just having a "special birth experience") he was much more willing to open up to me.
After many, many discussions with him about safety, and my own personal trauma and feelings, we have come to a place where a) we UNDERSTAND THE ROOT of what is driving the other person's feelings (we both want what's best for me and baby) and b) are educated about the best ways to get there. We are now both comfortable with me exploring my options during labor, but that if the baby's safety is in jeopardy I have read enough research that I won't push a natural birth over a "safer" option. Basically, if baby's in jeopardy during my TOLAC, we're heading for the OR. End of discussion, and I'm comfortable with that.
That said, I think your husband needs to get educated about the dangers that come with repeat c-sections. Could he sit down with your doctor and hash out his concerns? Doesn't he recognize that if your doctor is suggesting a VBAC, that's the superior option? Talking personally with the doctor was helpful to my DH.
Sort of related: I showed DH stats on how doulas are helpful and he agreed we could get one! Apparently he's a facts-driven man ... so find out what's driving your DH and work from there. But to get to where we're at now, it took about 6 months of long discussions, etc. So prepare thyself.
Good luck!!!
ETA: Per my doctor (and the reading I've done) non-VBAC-friendly docs just aren't delivering you at a hospital equipped for an emergency c-section/NICU in the case of a (very rare) uterine rupture. My understanding is that if the hospital is equipped for that unlikely scenario, most providers are willing to try a VBAC. So in other words, it's not that the provider feels it's unsafe or a bad option, it's just that they need the right facility to manage you if something did go amiss.
@Wering. That is the absolute hardest part. Embarassingly, what ultimately worked was that I constantly nagged, talked about it, e-mailed him articles, repeatedly explained how traumatized I was ... until he came around and realized this was a big. freaking. deal. to me and I wasn't about to let it go. And unless he wanted to hear me yak every moment of the day he was going to be a little more open minded...
Still, when we had our last doula visit (2 weeks ago) I started weeping a little bit telling her how upsetting parts of DS' c-section birth were for me and afterwards DH said he "had to try so hard not to laugh" at me when I was crying. My jaw about hit the floor! Especially because he is generally a nice guy and not an a-hole.
I think it is just that as a man he is physically incapable of understanding the importance of childbirth for women. Anyway, I just decided that this was gonna be one of the few things I REALLY put my foot down about and I wore him down.
How can you help him see that a VBAC is statistically safer than a repeat? What's his language? Is it numbers or real life stories or scientific articles or movies?
I had a very helpful talk with my OB about when a c-section (or intervention for that matter) is "a discussion" versus an emergency. It was really useful and helped me, her and DH all be on the same page. My DH was also very worried I was going to "go rogue" and throw common sense out the window. We both got educated and are on the same plan now. If the OB tells me there's no time for discussion, then no discussion. Period.
Took me a long time to figure out what went wrong with birth 1, though, which also freaked my DH out. With my first, all the interventions (pitocin, etc.) were presented as "here's what we're doing" when it really should've been a discussion. To be fair, I didn't know I had options so I COULD'VE asked for more time or other options and OB would have obliged, I just didn't know. Cue "cascade of interventions" ... cue an actual emergency DID arise. For a long time though (and this is key) it was hard for me to separate the interventions from the c-section ... I was convinced "I had an unnecessary c-section" - but that wasn't really true. My c-section WAS necessary, but very likely because I allowed some UNnecessary (more convenient for the doctor) interventions beforehand. But, yes, my DH kept hearing me say the CS was unnecessary and the doctor saying it was a true emergency and rightfully thought I was acting like a nut. But now we've sorted everything out and DH knows I will make the logical choice. It was amazing once everyone had all the facts, the right choice are clear for everyone. Birth can just be so confusing, especially with birth trauma. No wonder I had no idea what was going on.
Mom to Carter (6), and Calianne (1).
Proud VBAC, natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering momma!