help, please. (a new and long post)

stewie.griffin

Hi everyone, I am new to the board. I am a 31 year old stay at home mom of 4 month old twins. In the last 2 weeks I have hit a wall and today was truly the last straw. I should start by saying that we tried to conceive for 7 years. I got pregnant in february after 2 rounds of IVF and initially, I was thrilled and scared. I thought something might go wrong due to the fact it was a high risk pregnancy and as someone who has a history of anxiety, I don't really deal well with prolonged stress. At 26 weeks I had to go on hospital bedrest and gave birth at 32w5d. There is nothing like having a mental breakdown terrified you'd go into labor any day. Our kids spent 4 weeks in the NICU before coming home. I honestly thought that since we had wanted them so badly and that I would have no problem taking on this challenge of being a mom to twins entirely on my own. My husband was home with me for a few weeks and when he went back to work, I was at home with the twins from 7 am until 6 pm every day entirely on my own. There were some days when I could go to target or the grocery store for an hour some days I couldn't eat, brush my teeth, shower, or leave the house. I thought things would get better and easier over time. Instead, the only thing I have the energy for is feeding and changing the kids. Literally, that's it. I have a really hard time talking to them or interacting with them. I feel like I work with them whenever I am awake so much so that it is a job. One that I cannot enjoy. I work and work and work and it feels like I can't delight in their progress. I'm not sure how others feel but I feel guilty, ashamed, and empty because I am overwhelmed, can't complete everything, and end up feeling awful for it. I sob and apologize to them for being unable to be a better parent. I don't know if I Love my kids or anything else anymore. I look at them as these two entities that cry, eat, poop, and sleep and I am the one that needs to fix everything as soon as they cry. As they have been home for exactly 3 months now, I am sinking deeper and deeper into the sense of despair. We don't have family who can or wants to help out. My husband's mom likes to lunch with her friends has mentioned that she is a grandma not a babysitter. I feel numb. I have stopped enjoying anything, stopped wanting to eat, stopped wanting to talk about my feelings or explain where I am coming from. stopped wanting to see friends, I am exhausted and all I want is to drift off into sleep. My husband mentioned that we were operating at a net negative so I know that hiring someone is out of the question. I cancelled our cable in an attempt to save and now that it's me, my thoughts, and two infants, it just helps me sink deeper into the abyss. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I can't snap out of it. Today, I was just staring at lights too tired to talk, think, or feel. tt feels like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't go see a psychiatrist because I have no one to ask for help between 7 am and 6 pm. I can't hire someone, no friends or family to help, and without help I think this will get worse. Please, someone, anyone who has been there, please give me advice.

deanna1313

You NEED to see someone immediately! Whether you start by going to your OB and they refer you to who to see or call a psychologist and make an appt. My psychologist was fine with me bringing my son.
I think you know you probably have PPD and don't need to be told, but you have to see someone. They say the sooner you get help the better and shorter recovery time.
I struggled with a lot of the same things you mentioned. My son is 8mths and it gets so much better.
By the way, a lot of mothers if multiples and mothers that struggled to conceive struggle with PPD. You're not alone.

KelseyHunter210

I agree with pp. please make a phone call and set up an appointment to see either your OB or a therapist. My OB was able to recommend a PPD specializing therapist and since I've been seeing her, things actually seem better. You are so so not alone. It's not your fault. My therapist lets me bring H when my husband can't watch him, and I'm sure yours will too, at least for the first apt.
Sending you a big hug, deep breath, and long cry. It will get better.

George2n

Yeah take your babies if you have to! Definitely go see someone.

Also, My PPD didn't come until 4 months post partum. I literally remember thinking and feeling the same thing though, even when my daughter was older, that all I could do was feed her and change her diapers and hold her. So there were many days that that was all I did, and I still think she is turning out great. This won't last forever! 

3JTMom

You are experiencing what a lot of women go through. Calling for an appt to talk to someone is the BEST thing to do. You can move through this and get past it, I am so glad you are reaching out for advice and assistance. If you want to call 1-800-A-Family, you can talk to a licensed counselor for free. The counselors at Focus on the Family talk to women like you all the time. They understand. Please call and the person who answers will set up a call back appt. Maybe you can give a time when you know the twins will be sleeping. Hugs mama, you can do this!!!!  -Cookin'Quiltin

stewie.griffin

thank you. So, so much to everyone who responded. I am at this odd place where I feel like I haven't been engaging with the kids enough/at all. I realize that instead of throwing up my hands and saying "I can't undo the damage I have done"  at least I say, well people have bad days and "I will try to do better tomorrow." I keep thinking that they are preemies and I need to work extra hard to engage and make sure that they don't fall behind and instead I am not even doing what a normal mom would do. So, today I engaged with them more. I sang to them and made both of them laugh a lot. It felt really good. Even though I was at home alone with them from 8 am until 9 15 pm. I thought maybe just trying to do even a little more feels better. Today may have been an aberration but I can keep trying. I also realized that it was really important for me to go back on antidepressants. Without them it feels like I can't function.  

dsmedly

I don't know if you've tried this but I was at my wits end with my one month old, getting two hours of sleep at a time, then my friend told me to try white noise. Nothing fancy just ten hours of raindrops from YouTube in my laptop played loud and he'll go down and wake up once at night and take a three hour nap in the afternoon. I know with two it's so much harder but I can take a nap then start some laundry and relax and feel better when he wakes up. Keep plugging along and love yourself and know that there are some mamas having problems too and we can stick together.

Charmedseed

@stewie.griffin I do hope you're feeling better! I've been struggling as well, and understand your financial troubles. That always seems to make things doubly hard.

Check out https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/ 

I was able to find several FREE support groups that WELCOME babies, often at locations with lots of other resources for you, too!  Find your location and see what's out there.

And get on FB and ask for help. I did in my local suburb FB group and all this stuff happened - people brought meals, came by to watch LO so I could nap, ran errands, everything. There is a community around you, and they are wonderful. It can be difficult to ask, but be grateful instead of guilty (be kind to yourself!).

fourdieters

I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I have had postpartum experience. I had postpartum depression with my first and got past the point of help. I ended up at the doctor and with my family angry at me. I truly wish I would have sought help and am extremely grateful God gave me a second chance. I am here to say it gets better. I am 5 months pregnant with my second child and know that if I get any of those same feelings I will seek help immediately. There are a ton of online resources and counseling services. Postpartum depression is not made up and it is not something that people understand unless they have been there. I pray that you check out the free resources posted by the other moms under your forum. If you have health insurance, look up their online counseling services. Hang in there and know there is hope!

SharonB222

Assuming your DH has insurance, check to see if there is a nurse line specifically for pregnancy/post-partum issues and/or a mental health line - at my company both are available 24-hours a day, free. I have called in the middle of the night. There are national 24-hotlines for most issues - look some up - write them down In Case of Emergency (or acute anxiety). I had 8 yrs IF/RPL and when I am present to my frustration I grit my teeth and chant "this is a happy problem, this is a happy problem" - and I do believe it, I do feel lucky. I ask my BFF and DH to keep tabs on my moods - I don't think my DH would be useful, but my BFF I trust to alert me if I get weird. Ironically IF/RPL taught me some good techniques for coping with anxiety (given a more-or-less normal biochemistry). Babies are hard; twins doubly so. Hang in there! I am glad you are aware of your challenges and seeking help. That's a good thing for a tough situation.