PTIFD

J&D2007

'Post traumatic infertility disorder: I think I may have made that up. But, I don't know what else to call it! Last night, DH was saying how he keeps thinking about our future little girl standing right here in this room being sassy 'like his mom' and looking forward to all things babies and kids. He says 'he's sure I'm thinking about things like that all the time'. But, here's the thing. I'm not. I have not thought about actually having a child at all. I don't believe it's real. I don't look past today and I worry every minute that the little bean is already gone. We've had 4 great u/s so far. We've had no spotting, bleeding, cramping, etc. My mind will not accept that this even possibly could turn out right. I am really saddened by the fact that I am not enjoying this time I have waited so long for. I cannot excitedly share our news (haven't told a soul), I cannot think about the nursery, or maternity clothes, or just smile when I think ahead. For all of you further ahead, does this sink in and can you finally be happy like a normal pregnant person? When? Did you go through this at all?

sailorgal

I keep saying "if" we have this baby so I'm right there with you. And your history is much longer than mine so I can't imagine. Hopefully someone here can provide good advice to ease your mind and lead you into the joy of it all.

pblge

((Hugs)) It's a slow process of acceptance for a lot of PAIF and PGAL ladies. The good and bad news is that you have several months to adjust to the idea. For me, getting through the NT and A/S exams were the biggest hurdles. It still send more abstract than real to me, though.

I wish infertility got recognized more often as the slow motion traumatic experience it is.

chicory

I feel it too. DH is in full-fledged nesting mode, and I'm only 14 weeks. I still feel like this isn't real. DH got a book from somewhere for dads-to-be. I don't remember the title, but I flipped to the chapter on where I'm at in pregnancy right now and it described to men reading that your partner's emotional state at this point could sometimes be described as "ambivalent." (And this is not even specifically referring to PAIF women.) I personally feel like that (ambivalent) a lot right now. I KNOW I am pregnant. I KNOW there are babies in there and they will be making an appearance in a handful of short months. But it's still so easy to feel like nothing has changed, or that I should try not to think ahead because "what if." Maybe when I can start feeling the babies move it will sink in! Anyway, you're not alone.

Lady2010

It took me a while - probably until the Anatomy Scan at least to really feel more connected and excited.  I was very cautiously excited / optimistic.  We didn't tell our parents till 10 weeks, and 11 weeks for siblings.   We then basically embargoed them and didn't start sharing with extended family / friends until 16 - 18 weeks and really didn't tell most of our friends until 22 weeks.  Even in November (30ish weeks) we still hadn't told some friends.  And we have kept this off social media just as a precaution.

Feeling the baby move regularly definitely helps make it more real and got me more excited.  But I don't think it ever goes away completely - now that our LO is nearly here I keep panicking that something may be / go wrong. 

You are definitely not alone, and I think what you are feeling is completely normal.

sorrellam30

I feel the exact same way, and I've noticed I get kinda annoyed when the people that know treat me like a normal pregnant person, I know that should be awesome but I don't feel like a normal pregnant person!

Aimothy

{{Hugs}} definitely not alone in those feelings.  Up until the antamony scan, I always said, "if we have a baby...if this happens."  Never WHEN this happens. It was a slow realization that this is actually happening and even now, at 23 weeks, I still have moments where I dont' think it's a real baby coming out. 

J&D2007

Thanks ladies. I agree with you all. I always say 'if' we end up having a baby when talking with DH. And I get a little angry when he talks about it like its a done deal. For some reason, when he starts with 'what do you think about this or that for a name' or 'I can't wait to teach him how to swim next summer', etc. It's like I get upset and just want him to stop. I want to scream 'this isn't really real! You know that don't you?' We are planning on telling his parents this weekend and I think I'm a little stressed about it because I think it's too early (but they are leaving for the winter and we really wanted to tell them in person). I want to postpone it until after our 10w u/s on Monday. FU IF!!

luvboston

With my rainbow I never imagined her real until she had been in the nicu two weeks she wasn't real because I couldn't take her home. We bought nothing and I never talked about her. Until the day I was forced to buy a car seat and do the test I felt like she would still be taken away. I think it's perfectly normal considering all the crap I had been through I also think it's what I did to survive and not get hurt horribly yet another time.

Even with this pg until this baby comes home from the hospital with me its not real. Because unlike all the naive ppl in the world I know too well a baby can be taken from you even once you pop it out. There is no book that says you have to believe this is happening or imagine what your baby will be like. Feel how you feel and let others think whatever they will.

When a doc asks me if I'm excited I say I will be excited when I bring the baby home safely.

Regan1976

I know there's stuff I need to get done for the baby, but I'm still procrastinating at 22 weeks. It's slowly getting there as I pass each milestone. First N/T, then A/S. now 24 weeks, I don't know what will be my next goal yet. It's like I want a certain level of "this will definitely happen" before I get rolling. So, I think it's more common than they let on. 

J&D2007

Regan1976 said:

I know there's stuff I need to get done for the baby, but I'm still procrastinating at 22 weeks. It's slowly getting there as I pass each milestone. First N/T, then A/S. now 24 weeks, I don't know what will be my next goal yet. It's like I want a certain level of "this will definitely happen" before I get rolling. So, I think it's more common than they let on. 

Regan, just curious how long it took you to get results from the mat21? I get mine drawn Monday and I leave for vacation a week after that. Thanks!

luvboston

Mat 21 took 10 days

Regan1976

@J&D2007 similar to luvboston, around 9 days, but they say to allow up to 2 weeks.

Hmm, can't fix the tag.

Grateful&Thankful

I definitely can relate to this. I kept telling myself that after each major milestone that I'd be/feel more confident, but it never really happened. Infertility stole 80% of my pregnancy joy. I hate that, I hate that I'm so scarred. I know that sounds so sad but I'm just being brutally honest. My religious faith is the only thing that got me through. (((HUGS)))

bears1011

I've heard the saying "pregnancy is a 9 month prayer" and boy is that true! Let alone for us that have been through IF. For the first 12 weeks I kept saying "if". The NT scan helped but I also had several bleeding episodes through 15 weeks so that obviously didn't help. At 16.5 weeks I felt baby move so that has been a huge help in calming my nerves between appts. We just had our A/S on Monday and found out gender which was so exciting...then last night I had some red spotting, which hopefully was from a polyp, but it was enough to kind of put me back mentally a bit, when I was finally starting to enjoy it. At 20 weeks, my next mental goal is 24 weeks...hopefully that will bring me some more relief, but honestly I don't think I'll be truly ok until I have my baby in my arms. So what you are feeling is completely normal and I think unavoidable.

kmc84

With DD1, I really only used "if" until after 24 weeks.  Things got slowly better with each u/s, but even after I had pushed her out and was looking at her and hearing her cry, I still wasn't convinced.  It took a few hours after she was born to really feel like I had a baby that really was mine. 

This time, we are going through the motions, getting another room ready, and I'm feeling more optimistic in general, but still not like my 'non IF' friends.  My MIL wants me to jump for joy every time she asks how I'm doing, and I just can't.  When this baby is out and healthy, I'll feel much better about things.

Do things as you're ready to do them.  If you don't want to tell people yet, then don't.  It's a hurt that no one really understands unless they have been through it.  My DH is a pretty understanding person, but even he had a hard time understanding why I wanted to wait so long to tell people each time.  

((hugs))

iheartsippycups2

It's a real thing for sure. Even being 22 weeks now, it still doesn't feel real. It is hard for me to picture a life with 2 kids (I have a 4 year old). And it makes it worse because my 4 year old son talks about "his baby" ALL THE TIME, like things they will do together, and how he will share his toys, and he wants bunk beds, etc- I just pray every single night that I continue to have a healthy pregnancy & baby, not only for mine & my husbands sake, but for my sweet innocent little boy's sake too.

shelbeans82

I'm so glad you posted this.  I have consciously tried very hard to be happy about this pregnancy and to try to move forward like a normal pregnant person.  DH and I have discussed names, nursery themes, I started buying maternity pants last week.  That being said, I feel like those moments are short lived, and most of the time I am still fearful, or maybe the fear takes over more than the joy/happiness.  I have had a SCH and intermittent spotting for 5 weeks and each time I have more spotting I get thrown back into a bad place where I don't feel like this real or somehow our dream will be ripped away from us before we actually have a take home baby/ies.  The fact that there are two heightens it as so much can go wrong with twins.  I have my NT scan and I am hoping that milestone will make me feel better. 

katers79

I'm right there with you. I've been anticipating the worst at every step...negative beta, decreasing beta, blighted ovum, disappearing twin. I'm a negative nancy.

My husband is like- "are you kidding?? Can you please be optimistic?" NO! It's not a guarantee yet. Maybe once I get out of the 1st tri, but I think this is just how IF fucks up our brains. Stupid infertility.

((Hugs)) to you. You aren't alone.

AmCheri

Big hugs. I wish I could say there was a point at which I felt like a "normal pregnant person" as you put it, but there wasn't. It did get easier to open myself up to excitement and to looking forward, but the concern that the other shoe would still drop was always there. And then there's the oh so fabulous guilt factor when you're not enjoying it, as if fighting IF somehow means you're supposed to love all things about pregnancy. Nope. With our daughter, I didn't shop for baby stuff or buy anything until after 20w. Even then, I felt like a fraud. Very hard to explain.

You're still trying to get used to the idea of even being pregnant. It'll take more time for the thoughts and feelings that your husband described to come to you. There will be good days and bad days. Just remember there is no correct way of feeling and thinking about this. IF screws with us in profound ways. Just be patient with yourself. And don't put expectations on how any of this experience should be. You're ok as you are. And I promise you will have good moments and some nice memories.

DoublePortion

((hugs)) I'm late to this post, but wanted to say too that what you're feeling is completely normal. I thought it made me a bad person to not feel excited, but really it's just self preservation. I finally started feeling like it was "real" close to the beginning of 3rd tri.

BrideJackie11

I just happened to be lurking and I hope you all don't mind if I comment. I am not sure if some of you remember me but it makes me so so happy to see you all on PAIF that were cycling with me in the past throughout my first 3 IVF cycles.

I felt the same way.  I wanted so bad to enjoy it since I knew how hard it had been to finally get pregnant but it was so hard to.  I was scared to become too attached since in the back of my mind, I knew it could be taken away unexpectedly.  It didn't feel real for a long time, probably until I started to really have a big pregnancy belly in the third tri.  I still couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted but it did definitely get easier.  I bought a doppler that I used nightly in the second trimester which really helped me to connect to little one.  It was our nightly bonding time.  This is not for everyone though.  Once I found out the sex through the panorama testing and that she did not have a trisomy, it felt a little more real and I could start envisioning a life with a daughter.  Just know, you are not alone.  Sending you hugs!

lincoln79

I struggled with this a lot because I wasn't carrying our LO. I had lots of nightmares that it was all a dream.

Time and counseling definitely helped.

Hugs.

Sunny B

I definitely have this. I'm just so worried. I won't say anything about the babies in the future without saying G-dwilling.

RunCC37

You are definitely not alone. Hugs to all I'm so sorry for all of us that we had to struggle so much in the first place to even get here. And now that we're here, the struggle not only continues but it intensifies.

I still haven't accepted this as real. I have moments every day where I find myself in tears because when I take the time to let it in, it's overwhelming. I went to a prenatal yoga class today for the first time. The class was lovely - the stretching felt good and the meditation at the end was wonderful. As I laid there, I found myself thinking about how hard it was to get pregnant and our rocky start in this first trimester (SCH, vanishing twin, Wharton jelly cysts & Sjögren's syndrome increasing our chances of fetal heart block). My thoughts along with the instructors words of gratitude and blessings... I was sobbing on my yoga mat. Pregnancy was supposed to be a dream come true, but I've found it to be more like a living nightmare. I wish I could snap out of it and enjoy this... But I'm traumatized and just fighting to make it to August. I pray every day that this is our take home baby. I don't know how I'll survive this pregnancy let alone try again in the future.

Hugs to all