Confused and Sad, in need of advice

vamommies

We need advice, we are starting to lose hope and confidence that will be able to start a family.  I am sorry that this is a long post, just very emotional and lost.

My wife and I have been trying to conceive since Aug 2014, we started at Shady Grove doing IUI, my wife who wants to carry, she is 31, healthy, they ran all the test, we had the HSG done, everything showed there is no reason she shouldn't get pregnant. Our first 4 IUI cycle all ended up in BFN, they were even medicated, and trigger shot. We decided to switch insurance companies that covers 50% of IUI and IVF. During the switch over, we stop going to shady grove, and did ICI at home, with medication, ended a BFN. We have switched our donor 3 times now, we are using frozen sperm from a cryobank, the mobility numbers of the donors have been from 20k-30k% which we know is good! 

When we got all the insurance stuff worked out with Shady grove, we went back and told them that we feel we are wasting our money on the failed IUI/ICI, they felt the best choice was to go to IVF, so they put in with our insurance (Kaiser federal) to go ahead for IVF. Reason we switch to that crappy insurance, they told us it did not matter if we were using donor sperm or not. WELL surprise surprise, they denied us cause we are using donor sperm (funny though, they approved us for IUI with donor sperm?!?!) We told Shady grove we are going to appeal to the insurance company, and take a break.

While we are getting our stuff together for the appeal, we did another ICI at home, 3 vials, preseed, one on OPK night, 24 hours later, then 36 hours later, also used soft cup after injection/orgasm(tmi) We made it a nice fun date night, with a little wine and dine, relaxing each night. We thought we would get real lucky this time, but today her temperature drop, and the other night had a little brown/red mixed into her CM (which we know by now that means her AF is coming) 

We don't understand what the problem is, she is on vitamins, not drinking coffee, we are on a fertility diet, cut sugar and carbs. We have tried everything we've seen floating around with information that could help with trying to conceive. We don't know what to do, shady grove is no help, our obgyn is no help, we feel lost. We are scared to go back to shady grove do more medicated and trigger cycles knowing that they won't work. We don't want to pay out of pocket for IVF (if Kaiser won't approve us) knowing that we could also lose out on 10k. We have 3 ICI vials left from our current donor we've paid for. We plan to use our last 3 vials next cycle as we wait for our appeal. Any advice on how to best time our tries at home?

ATXmommas

I'm sorry that i can't offer offer any advice since I never tried at home, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you've experienced repeated BFNs and that your having such trouble with the insurance situation. TTC can be such an emotionally draining experience at times. Be good to yourself and take care of each other. Best wishes to you moving forward.

KH826

Hi there - welcome! I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. I also never tried at home, so I can't help in that department. I had 5 failed IUIs before moving to IVF (which we paid out of pocket for 100%), and we got pregnant on our fresh IVF cycle. From start to finish our TTC journey was about 8 months before we conceived. That being said, I consider us very lucky as I know many people (many here) who go through a lot more over a much longer period trying to make a baby. That is something I had no perspective on at all until I was living it and posting here and seeing my friends struggle! My point is that everyone's journey is different, and it is soooo very unfair that it is long and hard for so many who want it so badly and will make wonderful parents. Please join us here -- I know we have many who have successfully conceived at home who can provide pointers, and if you end up taking the IVF route, many of us who have been there too! Chin up -- it can be hard to see the path ahead on this journey sometimes, but I promise it is worth all if this. Best of luck!

briij

Hi there. Look I'm going to be frank. Ne and my fiance of 7 years are not rich. We both have crappy insurance and wanted another child. We already have a 6 year old son that she gave birth to but I have been there since before he was born. When we mrt she was pregnant and didn't know. I styck around :-) but this is how we did it. We asked the father of our first son if he would be our donor. He said yes. Get a sterile cup and syringe and do it yourself. Its called at home insemination. Google it. It inly took 3 times and in currently 18 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Good luck!

redrockmama

I got pregnant with ICIs at home. Is your wife temping or tracking other fertility signs? 3 vials would seem to cover the fertile window. Are you sure she is ovulating without the trigger?

Anecdote, when I got pregnant we did one vial about 12 hours after the +opk. No preseed, no cup. Taking Charge of your Fertility was the most useful book we read.

Twochickshavinachick

Hello.

Most of what I was thinking to say has already been covered by others (and far more eloquently than I could have) I would definitely second the book recommendation made by @wittyandwaiting. 'the Ultimate Guide' is one of the main sources A and I used in the planning, trying and carrying stages of our pregnancy (and to be honest, I was a little disappointed there wasn't a child care section/sequel - it was that handy!) It's well thought out, accessible and written in a friendly tone.

Whilst there are so many things I could say about our experience getting pregnant through at home DIY insem, I won't go indepth here because I'm sure you've heard all the practical tips many times before (please don't hesitate to pm me, if you'd like to talk. Just bear in mind, I can't respond before Thursday) what I will say is hold on to the faith that it can happen. The month we conceived, I was almost convinced we hadn't: we insem'd once, the day after ovulation because I thought that month was a no show and on the day of testing, we got a BFN.

vamommies

Thank you everyone, this forum has been much more helpful and friendly than other boards and websites we are on for TTC. We are very happy to have found this forum

Thank you for the recommendation for the book, we just bought it and since we have two weeks before our next try, we have time to read it. For the most part we track her BBT and use OPK's. In the signature is my most recent chart. The past one is strange as there was no coverline and it didn't say she ovulated. It could be due to the fact she wasn't on any fertility drugs. She only used an HCG trigger once. But we did have positive OPK two days in a row. We are assuming she ovulates on the second day sometime after the positive OPK, but BBT are hard to read (at least to us). 

As for donors, we don't know anyone we would actually want to be the donor in our lives. We felt safer going through a sperm bank as they would have been tested for STD's and genetic testing as well. Plus we don't have to worry about him seeking custody later on as he has already gave away those rights when he donated to the sperm bank. The state we live in isn't the most LGBT friendly and the donor would most likely win. We have actually met someone who this happened to. 

We plan for our next cycle to use speculum for me to find her cervix and headlamp to ensure I am actually getting there. If this time around is a BFN, we plan to wait around for our Kaiser appeal for IVF. If they deny us, we may go to another clinic for a second opinion and possibly IVF and pay out of pocket and hope for the best. 

valeriegp

I'm sorry you are frustrated and I understand. I don't really have any advice, except to say that IMHO four in-office IUIs with BFNs is not necessarily a sign you can't get pregnant, so I wouldn't give up. At age 34, it took 6 in-office IUIs over 8 or 9 months for me to get pregnant (same donor, frozen sperm with great counts), the last two with Folistem and a trigger shot (and the first ones with clomid and/or femara, which I didn't respond to much). These were well monitored cycles: many ultrasounds, tracking temperature, and using ovulation kits. 

And remember that your chances of getting pregnant in any one month are only around 15%, even if you are straight and having well-timed sex.  

Good luck!! 

ball.and.chain

valeriegp said:

I'm sorry you are frustrated and I understand. I don't really have any advice, except to say that IMHO four in-office IUIs with BFNs is not necessarily a sign you can't get pregnant, so I wouldn't give up.

This!

But I totally understand the frustration.  I did 9 IUIs and none of them worked.  We did eventually moved on to IVF (see siggy for more details) and eventually that resulted in a take-home baby.  I was lucky enough to have insurance coverage for IVF, and will keep my FX that your appeal works out...or you get lucky in the meantime!

2brides

We also used Shady Grove - though many years ago now. The truth is that with frozen sperm and IUIs you are only looking at a 17% chance of getting pregnant each cycle (I am pretty sure that was the statistic I remember.) We ended up doing 2 home ICIs, 3 unmedicated IUIs, 2 IUIs with Clomid and a trigger, and 2 IUIs with Clomid, injectibles, and a trigger. That's 9 cycles.  I was also 31y, healthy, all tests were great, etc. And insurance wouldn't pay a dime of it.

All that to say that it could happen. Soon. But it is an horrible waiting game. Good luck.

vamommies

Thank you all for being so understanding and helpful. We understand the statistics associated with TTC and takes straight couples the same amount time. It is hard watching your friends and them going 1-2 cycles at Shady Grove and getting pregnant while we are still trying. It can really deflate you and make you feel like there is something wrong with you. 

We didn't like Shady Grove, to us it felt like we just another number on their breeding line. It was so impersonal, you never had the same doctor or nurse. My actual doctor never did any of the inseminations and she's the one telling me what to do...without actually seeing me?! And we kept telling them that we felt that timing maybe off for us. When we did do a monitored cycle, it still felt like they weren't really checking on us. It felt like we did it too late again. 

One thing we like doing about ICI, we can do it at home and be more relaxed. Plus if it works I can actually say "My wife knocked me up" We haven't given up, it's just frustrating with the insurance and watching our money disappear. We try to not make it about the money, but when it's gone, it's gone and it scares us that we may miss our chance. 

vamommies

We have had one medicated IUI cycle, but we were also switching insurance at the time to one that was supposed to cover fertility. We had to pay out pocket for that one and it wasn't cheap. Once our insurance kicked in, we had to go in to get a referral. But that process took too long as well, so our Kaiser OB gave us clomid and progesterone to do one at home ICI. We have been approved for IUI now with Kaiser, but our RE suggested to go the IVF route since we've already had many BFN's. So Shady Grove put in a request to do IVF, but since we are using donor sperm, it was denied. They only cover it if using my husbands sperm...haha well lacking that. We are appealing on that basis, so we shall see. 

While in this hold pattern, we did another at home unmedicated ICI. We may have to do another at the end of this month if we don't hear back from our appeal. Our plans if we are denied, we will then go back to Shady Grove and probably switch doctors and do the three medicated IUI's we have already been approved for. Then if those fail, we will take a break and save up for IVF. 

unoriginal

Our 1st time around it took 7 IUIs (all medicated with either Clomid or Femara and the trigger shot).  We used donor sperm and paid for everything out of pocket.  It was the most difficult and depressing experience. 

I also had done all testing before we began trying and everything came out clear and we were given the go ahead.  It was so difficult trying to understand why it just wasn't working.  

We decided to take 2 months off and find a new doctor.  We wound up getting pregnant on the 1st try with the new doctor.  

Of course, in the end, it was all worth it.  But when we decided to try for #2, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that all over again.  We had set a limit of 3 and then taking a break.  We got pregnant on the 2nd try.

Officerofthelaw

Hi!
We felt the exact same except we don't have insurance that covers fertility. We went through 6 IUI's and switched donors in the middle and still no baby. It was so frustrating. The most frustrating part is that we did all the tests also and nothing is wrong with me. We used Clomid and the trigger. All the IUI's were done in a doctors office, three with an Obgyn and three with a fertility clinic. We made the decision to move forward with IvF even though financially it was hard on us. We start IVf next month and although I was stressed about the finances, I feel so much better moving forward with IvF. I think you two really need to sit down and think about the decision. It's a big one, mainly from the financial aspect. But think about how much you've already spent on IUI's and sperm, going the ivf route could essentially save you two money. The best advice I can give you is to go with what will be the best for the two of you. Sometimes timing is everything and although the timing might be right, the stress on the body might prevent the pregnancy. You guys will make it work:) don't lose hope. You will have kids. Stay on top of it and chive on.

vamommies

We have made a plan, we are using our last three ICI vials this coming week. I have been tracking BBT prior to reading the book, but now much more aware of the cervical mucous than before, we are picking up our tank on Monday. Once I get the fertile mucous, it's game on We are going to use a speculum to help find the cervix to ensure we are getting it as close as we can. Then insert an instead cup and go to bed. We will inseminate on all three days I have the mucous and hope  

We submitted yesterday to our insurance our appeal for IVF coverage. We'd love to change clinics, but our current one is the only one our insurance will cover. We may switch doctors if approved and ask to be more proactive with monitoring my cycle. If we still get denied and our lawyer says it's not worth it, because it might be us suing the federal government. (I like my job and don't want to lose it). We will switch completely to another clinic and pay out of pocket, we may have to wait a bit to get the funding. But the appeal may take months, luckily it's tax season, so we should get something back to help.

Everyone has been great on the boards here! We hope we get a BFP for Valentine's Day!

Officerofthelaw

Good luck:)

vamommies

Thank you, as long as the snow stays away, don't want it stopping us from getting the goods

channe9

Hey @Knottie0954378 Feel free to come and join our weekly TTC check-in thread if you feel so inclined!