Intro and a question

SteffieR13

Hello! I have been lurking here since DS was born in September. DH and I were married in October. He has an 8 year old DD. She's so sweet and loves her little brother. I love her so much. She lives with us every weekend currently. DH and BM had been switching off weeks, but his schedule changed to where he works late into the night, and was only seeing his DD every other weekend. Because BM works weekends, this works very well for all. BM and I get along very well, and I am so thankful for that.

My question: In a few weeks, DH will be taking a week off from work. I am hoping to visit my parents who live 3 hours away during that week for 3 days with him, but not over the weekend. Part of me feels as though this is excluding my SD, though, even though that is not our usual time with her.

My parents love SD, and would love if we all came up as a family on a weekend, but she is horribly allergic to cats, and they have 2. If we ever go up there with SD, we have to stay in a hotel, which we cannot afford right now.

Our general rule is to not do anything that will exclude one of the kids, unless it is an activity the baby can't participate in (movies, ice skating, etc), or if it is a one on one activity. It is almost always us as a family when we have SD.

What do you all think? Do you view this as excluding her, even though it will be done during days she is not with us? I never ever want her to feel excluded. Her BM and her family do take weekend trips without SD when we have her, and she has never mentioned feeling left out, but her BM doesn't have any other biological children, so that may be different. Sorry this is so long-winded...my thoughts are all over the place.

TIA!

FinallyHappy84

Welcome and congratulations! I also had my LO this past September.
I don't think it's excluding SD, especially if your finances can't work in a hotel. I also don't think you mention it that you went without her if you feel it will upset her though.

o_so_in_love

Can your parents come visit you instead? My SD lives much further away so we only see her four times a year, but when we schedule family trips like visits, reunions, vacation we always make sure it's when she will be around.

There are a lot of unspoken feelings in a child's head. I wouldn't want to do anything to make them feel excluded. Even if you don't mention it to her, surely group photos would be taken that could eventually see and wonder why she wasn't in them.

Just my two cents

HoolyGo

We struggle with this too, as our schedule is similar to yours and I travel for work and bring DS and DH with me most times. It's only going to get worse as the baby gets older and aware of events that are taking place, so it's good you're thinking about it now.

With some advice from the ladies here and after talking it over with DH we have decided that we will include SD as much as possible, meaning we schedule vacations around her visiting and try to go to events while she's here. However, DS will not miss out on things that can't be scheduled around SD being with us as that's not fair to him either. For instance, if there is an event happening for 2 weeks straight, we will wait to go when SD is with us. Recently, though, there was an event at the zoo that was only on Monday nights. SD isn't with us on Mondays and it's not fair that DS doesn't get to go because just because SD isn't around.

So, I'd say that this is a case where it would be unfair to your DS to miss spending time with your family just because SD can't come.

SteffieR13

Thank you for all of your input--gives me some things to think about.

@FinallyHappy84 Congrats on the birth of your LO as well! If we decide to go and mention it to her, and she flat out says it would upset her, we wouldn't go. I just hope she'd be honest, and I think she would be.

@o_so_in_love My parents have come down several times already, so that is an option. Part of the reason we would like to take this trip is to also visit some of my friends who have not gotten the chance to meet DS (and DH!)...I should have mentioned that, too. That is great that you plan your trips around when she will be with you, and you make a really valid point that there are things that go on in a child's head. We try to be so careful to not make her feel left out, but we never know what she is really thinking. We wouldn't keep it from her if we decide to go, because it would be worse on her feelings to find out we did the trip without her after the fact, I think.

@HoolyGo I like that example you give about waiting if at all possible to do something until SD is there. We will try to go by this, because I really like that idea. I can think of many things where this will come into play...Pumpkin patch, fairs, etc. It does seem like taking this trip would be more of a one time opportunity for DS. 

Lots to think about and bring up with DH. You all are so helpful.