Help! Am I going crazy? Rant.

Cadamsxo

So my husband and I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. I've always been a stay at home mom who does everything. My husband is super neat and likes everything to have a place, which is fine I married him right. I'm pretty clean myself. My mil and sil always compliment how clean my house is and how unusual for a house to be that clean.

Currently my husband works full time and is completing his masters which I've been extremely supportive. How could I not be he's doing it for our family and I'm very thankful for his hard work. I really don't like taking about my husband TO ANYONE or shining a bad light on him.. it really makes me feel bad but I desperately need some advice because I feel like I'm losing it.

Here's my dilemma.. Since having our 3 month old he's expected me to continue doing all I was doing pre baby. If I don't get it done he freaks out. He'll start doing it himself and get kind of stand offish. He sent me an article to read saying "how to get your stay at home wife to clean the house" which had some really mean comments in it. Then last night on New Years I was soooo tired and wanted to go to sleep and he called me boring. Idk if I'm just being over sensitive or that was really mean. I've also been very forgetful lately (my guess is in sleep deprived and don't have any help-none) and if I don't remember to do something he gets annoyed with me. I just don't know what to do. It's really making me get down on myself like I just don't feel good enough. Then I start questioning myself like do I have ppd- I don't think I do. I just feel so overwhelmed.


How did you guys handle going from 1 kid to 2. House work. Finding time to sleep. Making sure each kid has 'their' time. Heck even remembering to eat! Ect.

jamjoyful

Basically, my husband knows better than to comment on the state of the house. Sometimes it is perfectly clean, sometimes just picked up, and other times it is a disaster. He knows my priority is the kids and if they have a rough day or we just get caught up playing then the house won't be perfect. He rarely comments on it but when he does I just tell him to help clean up if it bugs him.

Bottom line: being a stay at home mom doesn't mean you have to be the only housekeeper. He needs to pitch in too. I would have a talk with him and let him know you are overwhelmed.

caybeh

Ditto, you need to sit down with him and talk about this.

I have a 2 year old and 5 month old. DH doesn't expect the house to be spotless. I try to do a little cleaning each day, but if it doesn't get done, it's no big deal. He understands that the kids take priority and some days I just don't have time to get it done. He helps out on the weekends and or at night.

nolemomma14

I'm only home with one baby, and if my DH was making comments about the house like yours is I would point him to the cleaning supplies and say have at it. Like pp said, some days the house is very clean and some days it looks like a disaster. It's been tough transitioning with 1 baby, I can't imagine adding another. I would definitely have a talk with your DH. Tell him you are doing your best, and instead of criticizing the house, he can help you.

ETA: if my DH sent me an article about how to get your wife to clean, we would have a big problem. That is not the way to communicate.

Spin313

He's being a giant asshat...I'd flat out tell him that.

MesmrEwe

DaisyBlinks said:

Anytime my husband comments on my housework, I leave him with the kids on Saturday afternoon. That usually does the trick. 

I was going to say - it sounds like the OP needs a week out of town and he'll shut up for a while...  It's the "Smug parent of one" vs. "the reality of two!!!" ... 

OP - please take care of you!!!  It may not be PPD it very could be simple good old fashioned sleep deprivation (DS didn't sleep for 15 months for more than 90 minutes at a stretch - it'll mess with the head of the best of them!)..  But under those conditions, the LAST thing I ever thought about was cleaning house.  I just wanted a shower and sleep, then once in a while a meal.  You need some part-time backup!  A part-time DCP was the best choice we ever made for the family because it gives me time to get some things done sans kids and recharge a bit..

Cadamsxo

First off Thank you ladies so much for validating my feelings and telling me I'm not crazy. I've been getting a little down on myself.

I'm definitely going to have to sit down and have a talk with him. He's a good husband/dad I just think we need to communicate better.

Best quote I found. I'm a stay at home mom NOT maid. :P I think it's one for the books.

vettymama

You need to have a talk woth your husband. He needs to understand that he needs to help out a lot more than it sounds like he has been. Also, you may need to work on our communication as a couple.

skibunny59

I lurk on here.  I am a working mom currently home on ML for 9 months with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 month old.  I think your DH is being really mean.  Being home with 2 kids is freakin' hard work and honestly, he should not be expecting you to do all of the house work.  

My DH actually helps out more now than he ever did when I was working fulltime and we just had one kid.  And he doesn't complain about it either.  He realizes that when I'm home with the 2 kids, I either have the baby attached to my boob or I'm tending to my toddler.  Or sometimes I have to multitask and tend to my toddler WHILE the baby is attached to my boob. 

Keeptruckin

You have a 3 month old! Your DH needs a kick in the balls. I have no advice because I can't imagine such a husband, sorry.

teedaalee

That’s a tough situation! I appreciate your heart for your husband. I agree with others that it would be helpful to sit down with him and communicate expectations. Transitions can be hard! Hang in there momma you’re doing a great job!

teedaalee0712

PrimRoseMama

DaisyBlinks said:

Anytime my husband comments on my housework, I leave him with the kids on Saturday afternoon. That usually does the trick. 

100 percent this. My husband hasn't said a word since.

mandymack

His expectations are completely unrealistic and I'm sorry he's not offering you the support you need right now with your new infant, that's so hard.

I agree he needs to FEEL what it's like to have both kids all day ALONE so, as soon as you can make that happen, do it. Leave him with them both (between nursings if you breastfeed - you can always come home to nurse and then leave again!) as he really needs to experience it, not just hear about it from you. It's hard for anyone to empathize when they haven't done it themselves. I'd also leave a list of the chores you do daily and/or are expected to do daily and let him know it needs to be done by the time you come home.

Hang in there and don't worry so much right now about one-on-one time with each child - they are both young and just happy to have their mom. I find quality time when I take my 8yr to the store on Saturday mornings, helping with her homework in the afternoons while the younger one naps; and when reading books to the 3yr at bedtime while the oldest is getting herself ready and during the day when the oldest is at school. You'll find your ways, too. 

rovingminstrel

I've found that having an honest discussion about it is the best remedy for this - trying to leave him alone with them (18mos and 5mos) usually backfires, because he loves them to death and really enjoys taking care of both of them instead of working on papers for his Ph.D or going out to work....ha. (Sometimes I wish we could switch spots, but then I remember how much I hate writing papers.) So remember, one day taking care of two kids is much different from 24/7 taking care of two kids for the last 3 months - it might not get the point across. Then again, it might give you some needed time off. 

Along those lines, can you get some help from your mil or sil? That's the only way I've survived so far!! And when MH is really busy and I feel like I'm dying, he'll often call his mother and ask her to come help me. I really appreciate that, because I don't like asking for help.

Good luck, mamma, and hang in there!!

hlm184

I make it clear to MH that caring for children is a full time job.  Keeping a spotless house is also a full time job.

That's two full time jobs.  That's not reasonable to expect one person to do.

Samiantha101

While I am not currently a SAHM and my husband is far from neat, I use to stay at home with my DD for almost the entire first year of her life. During this time, my husband just thought I had it made, as if being a SAHM wasn't any work at all. During this time, I actually babysat for another infant my daughter's age. Anyways, when I went back to work, I didn't work an 8-5, rather noon to eleven pm Sunday through Wednesday. Because of this, he had to be "Mr. Mom" to our daughter after work and on Sundays. Him and my daughter really struggled with this new schedule. It really awakened him to the fact that being home with the baby isn't soap operas and sweat pants.

I tried to discuss how much work it was to SAH prior to going back to office work, but it never really sunk in. Maybe you need to take a long weekend vacation to yourself and let him experience the household tasks for himself.

estefyp4

yea your husband needs a good bitchin out.. my h is in the army and works 12hr days and sometime even weekends and still he helps out.. we have a toddler and I am 6mths preggers and sometimes cleaning the house is just no something I want to do but for the most its a pretty clean house we have instilled pick up time for our toddler as well so that he helps mama out when picking up his toys.. regardless the h never 'expects' the house to be clean but he does appreciate it.. talk to him and be passive aggressive I say treat him as he is treating you so he gets the point that he is being an ass and that it does not feel nice to be talked in such a manner also as PP mentioned leave him at home with the littles and see how he handles it because it sounds like he has never had to really watched them.. anyways good luck and make sure you let your voice be heard.

Cadamsxo

Thanks everyone for your advice and support! We talked and it went rather well! You all helped me find my voice and he actually took it a lot better than I expected. I'm appreciative to you ladies
Thanks again!

heathertoni5

(Newbie) @Samiantha101 "being home with the baby isn't soap operas and sweat pants." LOVE THIS!

sweetmama101226

Just lurking... I am a working mom but sometimes he likes to comment on my house work when I get out of work, which believe me, I still clean and now pregnant I still do and then sometimes I just pick up the house as well. so when he is off on a Tuesday, I obviously work so he knows how much work is to take care of our LO. After him seeing how much work it is, he shuts up now  )