NBR: Need advice about being in a wedding

MrsPope1770

Hey ladies. Little backstory here: I have been friends with this person since about 2009. We have an on again, off again friendship---meaning sometimes we spend a ton of time together for a stretch and then go for a stretch where we don't. We are currently in one of those stretches where I never hear from her/see her.

She was in my wedding in April at 7 months pregnant. Came to shower, didn't come to bachelorette party. She was there for the wedding day festivities, but of course left early into the reception due to fatigue (hello, she'd been doing wedding stuff for 8 hours--NBD!). I guess I was just a super laid back bride. I committed to being in her wedding as well back in February when they got engaged.

FF to now. She has a six month old, and is having her wedding (more like a pretty princess day, since they got married out of the blue right before baby by JOP in June, wedding was initially planned for 2016) in mid-May. Her other BMs are all like super involved and super into everything wedding (not married, no kids) and they all live within ten min of her, where I live about 45 min away. They continue to plan random last minute things, and I feel like I keep looking like the shitty BM/friend. I feel like SHE feels this way, and that this is why we aren't so close anymore.

Biggest issue is that my due date is 3/28, so after baby is born I would be expected to do a bachelorette night out (they are wanting to do a whole weekend!), and the "wedding", within 6 weeks of baby arriving.

I'm sorry for such a long post, but I had to get the backstory out there. I don't really like the pretty princess day thing anyway, but I would still be willing to be there for her. I just feel like I'm being the party pooper and maybe it would be better to just step out of the wedding party and be there for her with my husband and baby to help her enjoy her day, rather than me being crazy and having to (hopefully) deal with pumping/BFing throughout the prep/photos/etc. Would that make me a bad friend to step out?

mamajack86

I think you should try and plan a date with her where you could sit and express your concerns. She has a baby so she should understand. Sometimes exiting a bridal party is difficult because no one wants to find a "replacement" and most likely they have a groomsman paired for you already.
Personally I had two bridesmaids unable to attend my bachelorette because of work/school conflicts and I was okay with it. Now you have a much better excuse, so she should be okay too. Maybe you can contribute in other ways.

MrsPope1770

I have mentioned to her about how I feel and she hasn't really acknowledged it. She actually was kinda standoffish when I was on bedrest (this was when they decided out of the blue to go do a dress fitting--I planned mine two months in advance) and basically said "if you need to drop out since you can't do stuff that's cool". I declined at that point, idk if it was a pride thing or if I just convinced myself that I would be a "bad friend" if I dropped out. Now I feel like maybe I should've just accepted then--but when I was on bed rest and fearing for the life of my child I wasn't ready to drop out of her wedding.

I wasn't a bridezilla at all, I really probably SHOULD have been more assertive than I was, but I just wanted everyone to enjoy it. It's hard when people have different personalities, I guess.

MrsPope1770

mamajack86 said:

I think you should try and plan a date with her where you could sit and express your concerns. She has a baby so she should understand. Sometimes exiting a bridal party is difficult because no one wants to find a "replacement" and most likely they have a groomsman paired for you already.
Personally I had two bridesmaids unable to attend my bachelorette because of work/school conflicts and I was okay with it. Now you have a much better excuse, so she should be okay too. Maybe you can contribute in other ways.

She made it very clear that I would be "expected" at the Bachelorette---even though she dropped out of mine after her seat had already been paid for.

CarterWA

She should be able to understand that you are pregnant and can't be all over the place all the time. She was pregnant once, she should know. I would just sit and talk with her about it. And she definitely shouldn't expect you to be able to just leave your baby after s/he arrives.

DM718

Talk to your friend about her expectations before pulling out. My sister had a recovering alcoholic in her wedding and was completely fine with her bowing out of certain festivities. But (sorry if this offends some people here) - there is often very little that is rational about girls who have pretty princess day weddings after they've embarked on real world life. Like having a baby. So it could go either way.

mamajack86

@MrsPope1770‌
Well sounds like she is a bridezilla for sure. Hopefully it doesn't ruin a friendship, but if she's willing and sounds fine letting you exit the party id say go for it. I was such a laid back bride so I could never understand how people could be any different, it almost makes me wonder which they care about more the marriage or the wedding.

corysgirls

I'm having a similar(yet kinda not) problem. One of my best friends, and the last one of our group to get married, is having her wedding on March 8th...I'm due the 7th. She had let me know that if I need to bow out, there is no problem and the health of me and the baby is most important but I reallyreallyreally want to be there for her. The are 8 bridesmaids, including me, and they all have kids but they are all out of the toddler age. They are planning all these fun things that I really can't or shouldn't go to, so it looks like I'm just bowing out when I'm not wanting to. So yeah. Sucky situations for both of us.

Skrittens

I wouldn't feel any guilt at all - I have missed bachelorette parties - it happens. If your friend is really not understanding she has issues. Big ones that I would not want to be a part of. One of my bridesmaids was 8m pregnant and I was just thrilled she was able to be at the wedding.

I was a laid back bride though and didn't expect my maids to do anything - I even bought most of the dresses...

Sugarplum0217

Sounds like your friend is being a super bridezilla for her pretty princess day. I don't see this ending well either way. Personally I would cut my losses and drop out. For me that's just too much stress I wouldn't want to be put through. I understand how you're feeling and I'm the exact same way, maybe even a little too laid back. I have two bridesmaids from my first wedding that we had been friends for years who I don't speak with anymore over the silliest little things and my wedding wasn't stressful at all! It's just drama I chose not to associate myself with.

Good luck with your decision! I really hope you don't lose a friend but I really hope you don't stress out for nothing.

ruemorgan

I agree that if she were a good friend, she would understand. Even if you stayed in the wedding party, how can she expect you to go away on a bachlorette weekend with a 6 week old baby at home? I would back out now while she still has plenty of time to find a replacement.

Whitfry

If I were in your shoes I would back out of the wedding. If she can't deal with it, then she was never a great friend to begin with.

I currently have a wedding situation with a close friend who is getting married three times. The first was just signing the paperwork and eloping. Nbd. But then she wanted to do a ceremony just for her grandma, and since its in my home town I'm apparently supposed to arrange everything. Which I don't have time for. She bought a brand new wedding dress for this, too. Then there's the big wedding next summer that I'm supposed to be in. She wants a weekend long celebration and the only options for lodgings are ridiculously expensive. I'll have a very young infant and she wants me to stay in the "party" house. I'm so over it at this point that I kind of want to bow out gracefully and just attend as a guest. Or not at all, since I'll have seen her marry the same guy twice by that point.

So I definitely feel your pain and would urge you to take the route that I really want to take for myself, lol.

skootnshoot25

This sounds like a bad situation over all. Normally I would say have a candid conversation about what you can reasonably commit to at this point (maybe the wedding but not the bachelorette party??) and if she wouldn't accept, to back out at that point. But it sounds like you have had conversations like that so now you just have a tough decision to make. Since she doesn't seem to be acting reasonable considering that she had a child herself, you're probably not going to be happy with the outcome.

I have a similar situation but with a reasonable bride. She asked me to be in her wedding in July, in the Dominican. If the wedding was going to be in my state I probably would have committed with a huge disclaimer that we were trying to get pregnant (we didn't know we already were yet) and let her decide if she was comfortable with that. However at that point I told her we were trying and I couldn't commit until I knew if/how my pregnancy would line up with her wedding. As it turns out I'm due 3 weeks ahead of her wedding so I declined, but I'm still more involved than some of her bridesmaids.

If you think there is a way to keep involved without your friend being unreasonable and that would make you happy, do that.

MrsPope1770

Thanks for the input everybody. Just FYI, the PPD ("pretty princess day") is a term that comes from the boards on The Knot, so I'm sure a lot of the posters here are familiar with the term. I didn't make that up being a jerk--I used it as clarification in my post BC people know what it means.

@beckyj2013‌
Also, yes I have obviously known I was pregnant since July. I actually think I was being extremely UNSELFISH to continue to try to stay committed and be involved throughout this trying few months. Definitely not being selfish.

Skrittens

@MrsPope1770‌ - I fully agree with @Darbie914‌ - you are not selfish. At all.

lisap0924

Sounds like a tough situation, but it also sounds like you need to make a decision, soon!
Sounds like you need to make a decision about what YOU are comfortable attending and not attending. If the bride is not ok with YOUR plan-then you bow out.
Yes, this is her day, and I'm sure you want to help her make it special, but your main priority should be what's best for you and your child.

ngolimento

A) It's not even a wedding, just a masturbatory "ME!" show. Participating at all is super gracious of you.

B ) You cut her a lot if slack around her child, and if she is being a snatch about reciprocating, then who cares what a snatch thinks.

C) Having a family means putting them first. If she doesn't understand that your family is more important than her stupid expensive fake play, then I suggest you remain off again friends. She'd have to be a total witch.

lawsonellis

@Peledreamsofrain‌ I love you for bringing the term "snatch" back in to my life.

OP- I'm in a similar boat. I am insanely close with my soon to be sister in law and she asked me over a year ago when they got engaged to be her maid of honor. Then I got pregnant. Since then we've had several discussions about the wedding and what I'll have to do, and what I can't do. Basically, she's pretty cool with me making what I can, and leaving the rest up to her other 'maids. But she's also fairly laid back. What bothers ME is that my LO could come anywhere between a month from now and march 13- so it's hard to plan what I can and can't do. I think the key is communicate clearly, and often. If she gets angry with you about it, then her priorities are a bit out of whack and I wouldn't feel bad just bowing out entirely.

createmagic14

Whitfry said:

If I were in your shoes I would back out of the wedding. If she can't deal with it, then she was never a great friend to begin with. I currently have a wedding situation with a close friend who is getting married three times. The first was just signing the paperwork and eloping. Nbd. But then she wanted to do a ceremony just for her grandma, and since its in my home town I'm apparently supposed to arrange everything. Which I don't have time for. She bought a brand new wedding dress for this, too. Then there's the big wedding next summer that I'm supposed to be in. She wants a weekend long celebration and the only options for lodgings are ridiculously expensive. I'll have a very young infant and she wants me to stay in the "party" house. I'm so over it at this point that I kind of want to bow out gracefully and just attend as a guest. Or not at all, since I'll have seen her marry the same guy twice by that point. So I definitely feel your pain and would urge you to take the route that I really want to take for myself, lol.

Oh goodness, I'd be backing out of that in a heartbeat!

@MrsPope1770, that's a tough situation.  Is there any time you can sit down with her, one-on-one, and have a little heart-to-heart about the whole thing?  Maybe turn it into, "I know this day is super important to you, and I want it to be special.  What would be best--missing the last-minute things and being less involved but still there, or bowing out completely?"  Make her realize you are doing what you can, but she makes the decision, essentially--except that you're really giving her an ultimatum on it.  If she wants you there, then she agrees to stop making you feel bad.  This depends on how much you value the friendship.  If it's one of those things where you don't particularly care either way, then just bow out, IMO.

FWIW, my BFF was 7 months pregnant at my wedding.  I didn't expect her to be heavily involved with the pre-wedding festivities, but surprised me and flew up from MD for the shower, bachelorette, and wedding (3 separate trips).  We're super close though, and id do the same for her, if the situation were reversed. OTOH, I have another friend who sounds more like the one you describe...we talk, I enjoy her company, but we don't tend to go out of our ways if something is inconvenient.  She didn't even come to my wedding, although invited, and lives a half hour drive from me.  Sounds terrible, but it's just the way it is.  Different relationships call for different expectations.  The first friend and I would have a long talk if we were in your situation, the second friend I'd bow out if the wedding.

KD32412

If she's a keeper, she will understand. If she isn't, good riddance!!! I have a friend who was my "bitch for the day" on my wedding day, ran around like crazy and did it with a smile. She wasn't even a bridesmaid (cause I wanted a very small party). When she got engaged, she asked me to be her MOH. I declined because of my high risk pregnancy, and she totally understood - but she wanted to give me the option to decide. I helped her with whatever I could, and co-hosted her shower. FF to her actual wedding day that I almost missed - our dog was diagnosed with heart failure and we thought he was going to die that day. Again, she told me not to worry and to spend the day with him, even though I had a to-do list to help set up that day. Luckily my dog was stable enough and I was able to help out and attend her wedding. Sorry, rambling. My point is that you already know what you want to do, don't feel obligated to her. Good friends are understanding of each other's situations. Hope that helps.

MrsPope1770

I actually finally was able to talk to her about everything last night, and she was awesome about it. She agreed that it would be better all around for me to be able to be there and enjoy being a guest than to try to work in feedings/be exhausted from a newborn throughout the ten hour day they have scheduled. I think I stressed myself out about her potential reaction to the max. I feel like so much weight is off of my shoulders! DH is in a wedding the next weekend, so it is going to be tiring enough just getting me and baby to both of them two weekends in a row! Whew!

lisap0924

MrsPope1770 said:

I actually finally was able to talk to her about everything last night, and she was awesome about it. She agreed that it would be better all around for me to be able to be there and enjoy being a guest than to try to work in feedings/be exhausted from a newborn throughout the ten hour day they have scheduled. I think I stressed myself out about her potential reaction to the max. I feel like so much weight is off of my shoulders! DH is in a wedding the next weekend, so it is going to be tiring enough just getting me and baby to both of them two weekends in a row! Whew!

Glad to hear your friend was reasonable about everything! I'm sure you will feel much less stressed being able to attend the wedding as a guest

allachkat

@Darbie914‌
Totally agree. I'm a bit biased against big weddings. I had a small ceremony with family and was very happy with it. I think planning not 1 but 2 weddings after a civil ceremony and expecting so much out of bridesmaids, family, etc is ridiculous.