Mom of 3 in Need - Real Life Example and Input Needed

ally2011

Ok - here is a real life example I am dealing with right now and not sure what to do.  Since my mandatory birth control idea was shot down ya'll give me ideas on what to do:

Mom of a 1 yr old and 3 yr old was due with another baby in January.  Had baby early so now has a preemie too.  Earlier this fall I raised money for her power bill to keep it from getting cut off, then she got evicted, helped raise money for new place to live, confirmed w/ a person that knows her that the new rent was set based on income and would be a better fit.  Then baby came early.  She is now messaging in need of bassinet or somewhere for baby to sleep, clothes and basically everything for a baby plus clothes for her other 2 kids, especially the 1 year old.  I have someone donating a pack n play and a couple people checking on clothes.  Our pastor has spoken with an agency in town that knows her and has helped her a lot.  They said she has been helped over and over and cannot seem to get it together.  Drugs may or may not be involved, that is unclear.  Dad is no longer in the picture, I think they recently divorced or split or something.  

I am taking the pack n play, a rock n play and some clothes tomorrow.  I am trying to collect other things and will take those too.

But today she also says DSS is now involved and to please not tell them that we are helping her.  Hmmm.  She doesn't know I am a foster parent, though we are licensed in a different county, but a cousin is the deputy director at DSS in the county in which she lives.  She doesn't know me personally at all, we have only messaged through the church page.  

I am just curious to know what else I should be doing.  Should I call DSS?  Should I wait and see what happens?  I have feelers out to see if anyone still needs a family to adopt for Christmas, but I am also cautious of passing this family on because of the history.  We are already doing several kids, but I will still probably get them a gift card to either a consignment store or grocery store depending on need.  

I really struggle with this - I have a hard time finding the balance between helping someone and enabling harmful behavior to continue.  Obviously a third baby should not have happened, but that ship clearly sailed.  But what else is going on that additional help could be enabling? Is help allowing just enough stability to keep kids out of foster care?  And if so, is that the best thing?  I might also message the person that knows her and see what she thinks.

Thanks for any input. 

ally2011

She has already been reported to DSS by someone else, she just mentioned that and said not to tell DSS that we are helping her because it would not help her case.  An experienced foster mom told me once to be careful about the help we give to birth families when their kids go back because she said you don't want to artificially prop them up and have the kids remain in a situation that ultimately is not safe/stable for them to be in.  That is my concern here.  Of course I will do what I can for the immediate needs right now, as we have been doing.  It just sounds like from what we have heard from the other agency that she has not been willing to do some of the things they have been willing to help her do to get herself in a position to prevent similar needs from continuing to occur.  I am going to talk to the agency person on Monday directly to get his thoughts as they have worked with her for awhile I think.  

ally2011

Apparently now the husband is back and the agency that has been helping her is not sure he was ever gone, even though the fundraising for the rent happened under the guise of "single mom needs help" (that was the GoFundMe name or something like it).  And the friend won't answer my emails now.  Sigh.  I don't feel like things smell right, but I can't put my finger on it.  I offered to bring the stuff tomorrow and she said her husband would be there but she had a lot of stuff to do.  I told her I would only come when she would be there so now she's saying she might be able to be there sometime tomorrow and will see.  She also won't acknowledge me asking about him since the last time we communicated she told me he left.  Sigh sigh sigh.

ally2011

Thanks.  It is so hard to know what to do when kids are involved.  I have to work hard not to let my emotions override my discernment.  It's a constant battle.  I am taking the rock n play, pack n play, a bath and some baby clothes this afternoon when she gets done with an appointment.  I am going to feel her out then.  If things seem legit and I feel good about it, our Sunday school class will help them further for Christmas.  However, if things seem off and like they might be taking advantage, then we won't.  And if the kids seem at all in danger or seem to not be cared for, I will call DSS immediately.  Otherwise I won't.  Thanks for your encouragement @Luxannie, I struggle so much with these situations.

ally2011

Update - took the stuff yesterday.  Apparantly mom can't be around the kids alone right now per DSS without her mom there.  Dad is taking care of them in the house and she is sleeping other places.  She had a mental health evaluation yesterday and pending the results of that, she may be able to come back unsupervised.  I met the kids and saw the tiniest baby I have ever seen in my life, including the 5 pound foster we brought home in the early summer.  The house is a wreck, stuff everywhere and they need some furniture.  We have some bookshelves and a dresser that were donated to whoever needs them first that we have been storing.  They also need lamps. I volunteered to come and help the mom and the grandma get it organized, haul off stuff, bring the furniture, etc.  I like organizing (other people, lol) and am good at it so maybe they will take me up on it and let me help. I would love to help create a stable environment for the kids.  We might see if our church group that does house projects might be able to come and clean up the yard/back.....broken glass, piles of clothes, stuff needs to be dealt with.  Maybe I could get them to build a small swingset too, we'll see  The dad can't work right now b/c the baby can't be in daycare (obviously) so he asked if I knew of any babysitters that he could pay to watch her if he got work (car body shop so not consistent).  I told him I might could watch her (for free obviously) but would need to talk to my husband.  If mom ends up being able to come back soon without supervision, that would solve that problem.  

Anyway, I am going to pitch to our sunday school class some ways we can help with getting the house set up and stable and see if they want to do that.

Just wanted to update ya'll since I drug you into it too

ally2011

Took bookshelves and dresser today.  Found out mom can't be around the kids b/c the baby was born drug addicted.  And mom has been reported 5 times in 18 months to DSS.  Dad seems to want to get it together so we are going to work with him to try to help get the house set up and kind of just be a friend to mom but know that she is not always telling us the truth.  I am a little put out with the friend of hers that did the GoFundMe for the rent because it didn't go down like she said it would and she didn't have her facts straight on mom.  I don't guess it serves any purpose to address it now with her, but I still may.  I did learn a lesson from that.  Next time something that like that comes up (if it does), I will find a non-profit, or our church, willing to take in the money and hold it until it is ready to be used for its intended purposes.  It did cover some housing costs to live in a motel, but now I suspect all of it may not have been used for what it was supposed to be.  I hate that because my friends give because they trust me (we raised $940).  On the one hand, it did keep them from being homeless and probably did help them get into this place.  On the other hand, some of it may have gone up her nose and that's not helping, that's enabling.  Sigh.  The smarter thing would have been for our church to take it in and pay places directly on her behalf.  Lesson learned.  

ally2011

Oh, and I did tell them that I needed their social worker's name to call her and let her know they had some support and introduce myself.  I told them we all needed to be on the same page to do what is best for the kids.  Mom didn't like it, but dad seemed to think it was a good thing.  Either way, I did not want to be artificially propping them up and have DSS bow out too soon thinking they were self sufficient before they were.  I have left a message but have not heard back. 

TarheelMama202

@Ally2011, I really admire everything you did here to help this woman and her family. You really did go above and beyond what 99% of people would ever do. Cheers. 

ally2011

luxannie said:

I'm sorry that it wasn't the best of outcomes for you.  But seriously, don't beat yourself up.  You can't always dictate the way people will use the help you offer.  And you have no proof that even a dollar of that money went to anything illicit.  Even if it did, you helped.  The housing was going to have to be paid for one way or another.  You helped her, helped her kids and went above and beyond what 99% of people would ever do.

A huge Christmas hug to you @ally2011.

Thanks, I have one person that keeps saying "where did all that money go?" I just don't want people to get jaded, know what I mean? Thanks for your sweet words.

ally2011

TarheelMama202 said:

@Ally2011, I really admire everything you did here to help this woman and her family. You really did go above and beyond what 99% of people would ever do. Cheers. 

Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement. I am going to keep working with them for a bit and try to enlist some others to as well. They need mentors and direction as much as anything.