Calm your tits. Nobody here called you low class. We just explained why you should not throw your own shower.
You, in turn, have thrown a fit, stomped your feet and kept whining about what a speshul snowflake you are.
You really don't hear your own bitchiness do you?
Oh ffs.
I have a feeling anyone who doesn't tell you exactly what you want to hear, princess, is going to sound like a bitch to you.
No honey someone that refers to me as a "speshul snoflake" is a BITCH to me.
Calm your tits. Nobody here called you low class. We just explained why you should not throw your own shower.
You, in turn, have thrown a fit, stomped your feet and kept whining about what a speshul snowflake you are.
You really don't hear your own bitchiness do you?
Oh ffs.
I have a feeling anyone who doesn't tell you exactly what you want to hear, princess, is going to sound like a bitch to you.
Didnt your mother ever tell you if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all?
Yes, and I am totally OK with the idea of having a BBQ. The problem was that people immediatly jumped on me and called me gift grabby and attention needy for considering to have my own shower instead of offering other ideas. And some people CONTINUE to do that continuing to say I'm entitled and spoiled instead of offering anything useful. I love the idea of doing a BBQ. I think part of the missing out feeling is the whole baby aspect of it (for the millionth time, not the gifts!) but the fact that its all about the pregnancy and the joy and celebration of that, not just come over for a random party or BBQ. I wanted to do something special for the fact that we are expecting but aparantly thats simply not acceptable. As I said before I will be packing up my house and family to move cross country shortly following the birth which is why I was trying to do something during the pregnancy instead of after. Thank you for your ideas.
I don't know what else to tell you. People have the right to post what they please. If the part that stood out to them the most was "" Should I throw my own shower ?" then they can comment on it. Maybe they really wanted to emphasize that point.
I mean we aren't mind readers and will comment on the information you provided. If you only wanted sympathy, then you should have left out the part of throwing your own shower.
*facepalm* I dont ONLY want sympathy I guess it was wrong of me to assume that fellow pregnant woman would naturally be sympathetic my bad...when I posted this I honestly thought I was just asking an innocent question of hey heres an idea. But then people responded very unkindly and honestly it pissed me off. They are more the welcome to comment on whatever part of my post they like, but I wasn't expecting women to be nasty to me about it.
You've built a shower up in your head to be some magical thing and it's really not that big a deal. If all you really want is a party... Throw a party! Just don't call it a shower because that communicates TO YOUR GUESTS that gifts are required because that's what a shower IS. A party to give you gifts.
So just throw a different kind of party. Throw a brunch with your lady friends. Have a memorial day barbecue or a barbecue on a different weekend or invite friends over to watch the super bowl or March madness or whatever. There's a million ways to have a party or hang out with your friends without having a baby shower.
You are 100% right and I get what you are saying. Those are great ideas. Its just that what I wanted wasn't GIFTS it was to celebrate the PREGNANCY, the baby, the family, the joy, the excitment etc. Any other party is just hey come to my house for this random party and we'll probably talk about the pregnancy too but it isn't a celebration of the joy of pregnancy. In my head I picture a baby shower being eating themed cupcakes, discussing motherhood and expectations, playing baby themed games, gossiping etc its just not the same if its just a group party for the superbowl or memorial day or whatever. It sounds dumb I know but it was just something that I would have liked to do that, no matter which way you slice is (not having a party at all or having a different type of party) its simply an experience that I wont get to have.
Why wouldn't you fly home for a shower with your family?
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Why wouldn't you fly home for a shower with your family?
Because we will be moving cross country shortly after the birth we cant afford to go home just to visit when we are going to be moving back just a few months later. I wish we could.
*facepalm* I dont ONLY want sympathy I guess it was wrong of me to assume that fellow pregnant woman would naturally be sympathetic my bad...when I posted this I honestly thought I was just asking an innocent question of hey heres an idea. But then people responded very unkindly and honestly it pissed me off. They are more the welcome to comment on whatever part of my post they like, but I wasn't expecting women to be nasty to me about it.
No one was nasty, blunt and honest yes! Mean, no!
So the woman who called me a "speshul snoflake" was just being blunt and honest?
I dont understand why it would be unacceptable to have a shower and simply tell everyone
GIFTS ARE NOT EXPECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like what is so wrong and socially unacceptable about that?
I've tried to be nice to you but now you are acting like a twit.
OMG no its called I really dont understand. The issue here seems to be that a baby shower MUST equate to gift giving. That its acceptable for me to throw any type of party, even if its with the intent of celebrating the pregnancy as long as its isn't JUST about the pregnancy, because then people will be obligated to bring gifts. So I'm honestly confused about why I can't just have a pregnancy themed party and TELL people NOT to bring gifts? What is the problem there? Why is that unacceptable?
Why wouldn't you fly home for a shower with your family?
Because we will be moving cross country shortly after the birth we cant afford to go home just to visit when we are going to be moving back just a few months later. I wish we could.
So if you're moving home to your loved ones, just have a party then.
Or save your money and fly home early for a shower.
You have options.
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OP, I don't want to be "that guy", but you are Six. Weeks. Pregnant.
Do you have any idea of the potential heartache that might lay before you? The myriad of tests that could come back with a bad answer? The sheer stress and terror of waiting for results? The fact that first trimester loss is not uncommon?
Understand, I do not wish ANY of these things on you, or on any other mother. But they are an irrefutable part of reality, and it is a reality not everyone escapes. These boards are full of women who have experienced heartbreak and loss and who are trying so hard to keep it together. Women who are so grateful for the chance to be pregnant.
First trimester... Especially six weeks in... Is just not the right time to be outright panicking over something as frivolous as a baby shower. I understand you are excited, and I pray your pregnancy goes well. But you might consider just taking a step back, breathing deeply, and being thankful. Nothing in this world is guaranteed.
My suggestion is to wait until the end of your second trimester, then try this forum again. A lot can change in six months. One way or another, a lot WILL change. This is not worth all the ridiculous drama it is causing. Just step back. Be grateful. Be patient. You're pregnant, why can't that be enough for now?
1. Who are these people who apparently throw their own birthday parties and engagement parties? No one I know has ever done this? In fact, no one I know has had a birthday party since their Sweet 16. And before that, they stopped at 11 or 12. And yes, throwing your own gift giving event of any type is still gross, no matter what the occasion. (I honestly don't even like the idea of an engagement party - it seems so bizarre to me. Mine was forced on me - it was "Oh, DH's aunt is throwing you a party on this date. While nice, I really, really wish one hadn't been thrown because it was just so awkward to be like "Hey, let's celebrate the fact that we aren't married yet." But that's just me.)
And, as PPs have said, gifts are sometimes, but not always, exchanged at birthday parties and engagement parties. I was legitimately shocked that people brought gifts to our engagement party. I thought the idea was just to mingle and let the families get to know each other.
2. You seem to be equating stuff with love. Like if no one throws you a shower, it means they don't love you. There are LOTS of reasons why someone may not host a shower - expense being one of the big one. It doesn't mean they don't love you. If my best friend called me up tonight and told me she was pregnant, I would be so happy for her and I would probably buy her a bunch of stuff. It doesn't mean that I can afford to shell out a few hundred bucks on a party.
And, again, the fixation on gifts. People will get you stuff. They don't need to do it over cake and ice cream. Trust me. People I've never even met sent us stuff when our girls were on the way. (Friends of DH's family, friends of DH's grandmother.) Is it nice to be able to sit around for an afternoon and chat with them while they give the gifts? Sure. Necessary or life changing? No.
3. Yes, you waited a long time for a baby. You do realize that there are women who have endured years of painful infertility for longer than you have that don't necessarily get a shower, right? Doesn't mean no one is excited for them.
4. Yes, some of us DO know what it's like to move away from family and friends. DH and I moved to our house 5 years ago, which is 2 hours from family and friends. I have about 2 women friends in the area, but they aren't exactly what I would call close friends. Yes, it is lonely. But you know what? It's the life DH and I chose and I can't complain about it.
5. No one has been rude. We've been honest. Blunt, maybe, but this forum does NOT sugar coat things. Read any thread on here about hosting your own shower or having a shower for any baby other than the first.
6. Again, 6 weeks is too early for anything at this point. There is no reason to get all twisted up about a shower right now. Not being mean, but have you even seen the doctor yet to ensure that it's a viable pregnancy? (ie - seen a heartbeat yet?) As someone who's lurked around the infertility/pregnant after infertility boards, I've unfortunately seen too many times where a poster is excited about their pregnancy only to find out that it's ectopic, or a chemical pregnancy, or that a heartbeat never developed. I'm hoping you do get your baby to bring home, honestly. Just being a realist.
Showers are typically thrown after the 24 week viability date (when the baby is most likely able to survive outside of the womb, God forbid of an early delivery). Most are thrown closer to the 8th month mark. That's a lot of time between now and then. Is there any chance you might be able to visit home? Is there a possibility that someone might surprise you with a shower? (My bridal shower was thrown as a surprise, for example.) Being 6 weeks along doesn't give anyone much time to even consider how to fit in a possible shower for you if they wanted to and were able to.
7. As for the mani/pedi question, I've heard that it is safe as long as you are in a ventilated area. My doctor okayed coloring my hair so long as I was by an open window/not in an enclosed space. You can always double check with your OB though, as every pregnancy is different and so is every doctor.
8. I don't think anyone here meant to hurt you by saying that "this is the life you chose." We're not saying that you don't "deserve" to have a shower. (No one "deserves" a shower - it's a gift, not an entitlement. It's like saying that everyone "deserves" to get a car on their 18th birthday.) But it IS true to a point. Whenever moving is involved, chances are that some things are going to be sacrificed. My shower moved across the country when I was pregnant - she's missed almost every event with them other than their Christening. I don't get mad and neither does she - it's the life she chose and she knew that she would have to make certain sacrifices. It's the way of life.
I don't think any of us doesn't appreciate what you've done for America. We appreciate that fact that you've had to make sacrifices. But it still doesn't mean that etiquette gets to be bypassed. Etiquette is all or nothing - you either abide by it or you don't. There is no cherry picked based on a situation.
I'm sorry I skipped replying to you, I didnt see your message until now.
1. I know lots of people who throw their own parties. One of my best friends threw his own engagement party. It was originally supposed to be his birthday party, I brought him a gift. I found out at the last minute that it was a combination birthday & engagement party and was rumored to have "snubbed" his fiance by bringing specifically him a gift and not an "engagement gift". I have gone to many birthday parties over the years, generally they include your friends paying for your dinner if you go out to eat and a night out partying where everyone else pays for your drinks. Maybe thats just military culture but thats the way I've always seen it done. Even going away parties, we threw our own going away party when I left Germany after 3 years but we never asked anyone to pay for anything- yet we still had our drinks paid for the entire night because it was considered customary to give a goodbye gift. However I want to point out yet again that I am not having a shower just to get gifts, just saying that the people I have been around my adult life have all done stuff like this.
2. Its not so much about "love" I know people love me, I have a lot of close friends. Its just the blunt realization that none of them are here. Many of them have moved away and the odds of me seeing them ever again, maybe the occasional visit, is slim. Even in the event of having a baby I probably wont see most of them. So it made me feel very lonley that I dont have close people here to share this with.
And again for the millionth time as I've said I would be fine having a party that stated DO NOT BRING ME ONE SINGLE GIFT PEOPLE SERIOUSLY. Its everyone ELSE on here that is fixated on the idea that a baby shower equates soley the purpose of getting gifts and that you MUST get gifts to have a baby shower.
6. Yes, it has been confirmed.
8. The reason I took offense to that was the offhanded way it was sort of assumed that because I chose to be in the military, I chose to happily give up my own happiness and enjoyment of stuff. I did choose to give up spending holidays at home- but that didnt make my any less sad last year when I was in Afghanistan during Christmas. Just because you make that choice and accept the cost doesnt mean you are happy about it. Its like just because we chose this life, to do what is best for the people we take care of and support our families, that we automatically loose the right to be sad over anything. Thats why veterans don't talk about lonliness and depression- oh youre sad your wife cheated on you while you were deployed? OH well man thats the life you chose you knew it was a possibility! We are sitll people with hopes and enjoyments and disapointments just like anyone else.
Thank you for saying you appreciate my service- I appreciate that. I just felt taken aback by the immediate bluntness of "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THIS WAS OK?!" just for asking a simple question.
OP, I don't want to be "that guy", but you are Six. Weeks. Pregnant.
Do you have any idea of the potential heartache that might lay before you? The myriad of tests that could come back with a bad answer? The sheer stress and terror of waiting for results? The fact that first trimester loss is not uncommon?
Understand, I do not wish ANY of these things on you, or on any other mother. But they are an irrefutable part of reality, and it is a reality not everyone escapes. These boards are full of women who have experienced heartbreak and loss and who are trying so hard to keep it together. Women who are so grateful for the chance to be pregnant.
First trimester... Especially six weeks in... Is just not the right time to be outright panicking over something as frivolous as a baby shower. I understand you are excited, and I pray your pregnancy goes well. But you might consider just taking a step back, breathing deeply, and being thankful. Nothing in this world is guaranteed.
My suggestion is to wait until the end of your second trimester, then try this forum again. A lot can change in six months. One way or another, a lot WILL change. This is not worth all the ridiculous drama it is causing. Just step back. Be grateful. Be patient. You're pregnant, why can't that be enough for now?
I know its early but the reason I asked is, as I have said over and over again, is that I literally sat down today and realized I have no one here that would want to host a shower for me. So I innocently, STUPIDLY thought hey why dont I ask the ladies on The Bump what they think about hosting your own shower? Then all the stupid freaking drama happened. I thought I was just asking a little question that would get a "nah thats tacky dont do that" "I wouldn't reccomend it, it can be seen as poor taste" "Go ahead do whatever you want" etc not long windeded responses about how I'm attention needy, gift grabby, that its incredibly socially unacceptable how dare I even consider it, special little snoflake type crap. All I wanted to ask was a simple little question because it occured to me today. How silly I was to think a group of women could respond in a manner that WASN'T primarily catty.
OP, I don't want to be "that guy", but you are Six. Weeks. Pregnant.
Do you have any idea of the potential heartache that might lay before you? The myriad of tests that could come back with a bad answer? The sheer stress and terror of waiting for results? The fact that first trimester loss is not uncommon?
Understand, I do not wish ANY of these things on you, or on any other mother. But they are an irrefutable part of reality, and it is a reality not everyone escapes. These boards are full of women who have experienced heartbreak and loss and who are trying so hard to keep it together. Women who are so grateful for the chance to be pregnant.
First trimester... Especially six weeks in... Is just not the right time to be outright panicking over something as frivolous as a baby shower. I understand you are excited, and I pray your pregnancy goes well. But you might consider just taking a step back, breathing deeply, and being thankful. Nothing in this world is guaranteed.
My suggestion is to wait until the end of your second trimester, then try this forum again. A lot can change in six months. One way or another, a lot WILL change. This is not worth all the ridiculous drama it is causing. Just step back. Be grateful. Be patient. You're pregnant, why can't that be enough for now?
I know its early but the reason I asked is, as I have said over and over again, is that I literally sat down today and realized I have no one here that would want to host a shower for me. So I innocently, STUPIDLY thought hey why dont I ask the ladies on The Bump what they think about hosting your own shower? Then all the stupid freaking drama happened. I thought I was just asking a little question that would get a "nah thats tacky dont do that" "I wouldn't reccomend it, it can be seen as poor taste" "Go ahead do whatever you want" etc not long windeded responses about how I'm attention needy, gift grabby, that its incredibly socially unacceptable how dare I even consider it, special little snoflake type crap. All I wanted to ask was a simple little question because it occured to me today. How silly I was to think a group of women could respond in a manner that WASN'T primarily catty.
You asked your questions. You got your answers. They weren't what you were looking for, but you received them nonetheless. Most of the drama here is being created by you.
I reiterate: take a step back. Be grateful. Come back in 6 months and try again.
Why wouldn't you fly home for a shower with your family?
Because we will be moving cross country shortly after the birth we cant afford to go home just to visit when we are going to be moving back just a few months later. I wish we could.
Lurking here...are you saying that you're moving back home shortly after baby is born? Would you be able to host a sip'n'see once you move back? I totally get the atmosphere you're going for, but in my experience when a group of women hang out and one (or more) are pregnant or have children the conversation naturally turns towards all things pregnancy related.
I usually wouldn't suggest the following because I disagree with the concept of a gender reveal party because it's kind of attention whorish, but why not host a BBQ or brunch etc and let everyone know what you're having (if you're finding out) with cupcakes or something and that would definitely steer the party towards the vibe you seem to be looking for. I am not suggesting telling people ahead of time that's what you're doing, but you could just work it into the get together.
Thank you, thats a great idea. I had kind of just planned on having a few girlfriends over to meet the baby when I get home but not really a full on party. But I'm not against the idea. Like I said I really just thought it would be no big deal just to host a baby shower (in my mind its just a get together thats pregnancy themed) but everyone went bananas on me about it. I'm probably just going to do something like that because I dont want to offend people and aparantly there is no way to win this one....I cant have a shower because thats rude to throw your own shower....I cant have a shower and tell them not to bring gifts because aparantly thats rude too....so I guess I will just have a regular old BBQ at my house that isnt pregnancy themed or a special "pregnancy party" and work it in with them. Most BBQs and stuff with my friends tend to just be hanging out, watching TV, drinking, playing dominos etc. I have mostly guy friends. Thats why I felt more comfortable inviting female coworkers and wives I have casually hung out to a specific "baby shower" because thats more "girls only" versus hey guys come have some ribs and a brewski and by the way lets talk about me being preggo lol. But I really see that a lot of people are highly offended by even the concept of throwing your own baby shower so I guess thats what I'll have to do.
Seriously OP you really need to lurk more. All of your questions have been answered hundreds of times on here. You didn't get the responses you want so now you are acting like a whiny brat.
Wow, no its called people were RUDE. You can say "Hon, look, I get why you want to do this, but trust me it isn't a good idea. It just comes off bad."
Versus
"you are attention needy. You just want gifts. You have no ettiquite. You just want gifts. You cant throw your own shower its wrong. You just want gifts."
@wonderland449 if I were you I would read some posts on this board before asking this kind of question. If you had done that you would have already learned what the general consensus is and you would have been smart enough not to ask. Based on what has been said in other posts, IMO you are crazy to expect anything different than what you have been given.
It's like a liberal politician expecting a bunch of conservatives to agree with him...do your research first.
Honestly, I'm not sure it is acceptable to throw your own e-party or birthday party. Our e-party was hosted by my parents and I've never thrown myself a birthday party.
This. You don't throw gift giving events for yourself. Christmas (or Hanukkah or whatever holiday) is a holiday.
I am a military spouse too and a fire department wife and don't throw pretty princess parties for myself. People can get you gifts and you and your husband can celebrate without you throwing your own shower which is pathetic and sad in addition to poor taste.
Also 6 weeks pregnant is a little soon to be buying all the baby stuff, don't you think? I know I'm not the only loss mom that felt immediately worried and concerned for you on that point. Get a heartbeat on an ultrasound or two and make sure things are okay before you set yourself up for a huge dramatic meltdown if you have any issues...which are common and natural.
BFP #1: It's a GIRL! DD born October, 2012 BFP #2: m/c at 7w, February, 2014 BFP #3: It's a BOY! Please be our rainbow! Due February, 2015 *everyone always welcome*
I'm on page one, so this either fantastically explodes or OP starts making sense. I'm going with it's like hitting your head against a board.
First, you are 6 weeks. Frankly, I can't believe you're buying all that stuff yet, let alone thinking about a shower. I mean, it's your business when you tell, but you must have told everyone as soon as the pee stick was dry. Calm down and just let things go for a bit. Even if someone was to offer to host a shower, they're not going to off until probably second tri, and you're not going to want to have it until after 24 weeks at the earliest. Probably closer to 30. That's a long-ass way away.
Second, my H is Air Force, so I don't know about Army, but if you have work friends, it's entirely likely they will throw you a work shower. We do it for squadron members as well as for spouses of. But it's not planned at 6 weeks. There's a booster club for the squadron, and a Key Spouse, and they get a little party together in the conference room and there are cupcakes and punch and presents. I've been to or sent a gift to at least 5 in the past year. It just seems like a pretty done thing.
It's rubbing me the wrong way that you keep mentioning how long you waited to start a family and have this pregnancy. Lots of people wait for all sorts of different reasons. Don't play Pain Olympics with that.
I'm also Southern, and one thing I know is that etiquette is important. My mother would be very stern with me if she thought I even had an inkling of throwing my own shower. I'm also married to a service member. There are things I give up, there are things he gives up and we give up. Things that are so much more important than a baby shower. I get that it's disappointing not to have one, I probably won't and I'll be a little sad, but I'll hopefully still get the baby, which is the best part.
TTC #1 since 11/2012 Me-31, H-27 **Loss 1-Cycle 7(June 2013) at 5w6d-CP**Loss 2-Cycle 11(October 2013) at 5w4d-CP** **Loss 3-Cycle 14 (January-February 2014)-M/C dx 2/10, EP dx 2/24, MTX 2/25** Beta Hell--hCG finally down to 0 - 6/20/14 SA normal. Genetic testing normal. Hormonal testing normal. HSG 6/30/14 - found blocked left tube and 2 'bubbles' on uterine wall. Hysteroscopy/Lap--8/4/14 - Tubes unblocked. Polyps removed from uterine wall. Septum removed. 9/30/14--Off the bench! Unmedicated TI through December 2014 BFP 12/14/14!!! Beta #1, 12/16: 990 Beta #2, 12/18: Over 2000! Beta #3, 12/22: over 8000! U/S #1, 12/23: gestational sac, possible heartbeat U/S #2, 12/30: HEARTBEAT! 128bpm, measuring right on at 7w EDD: 8/19/2015 U/S #3, 1/9: BPM in the 180s, IT'S HAPPENING!!!
lurker here. but i'm gonna be as honest as i know how. OP, you are 6 weeks pregnant and honestly, a shower would be the last, last, LAST thing on my mind in that very exciting, scary, nerve-wracking, crazy awesome time. plus, you don't actually know yet if no one will throw you a shower because that's not something that is even discussed until oh, 6 months or so. RELAX.
plus, i have to say it... as someone who has battled infertility for many years and still can't get pregnant, i'm asking you to please chill with the shower nonsense and just enjoy every single amazing second of your pregnancy. there are lots of women that may never get a shower because they'll never have a baby to celebrate. be thankful. and be thankful you're able to provide all the great things you've already bought without even needing a shower!
also, if you're really feeling that lonely and down, look into joining some of the other boards here if you haven't already. you may even find some ladies close to you to become friends with! internet friends rule.
bottom line is you've got a long way to go here. don't let something so silly derail your happiness. congrats on your pregnancy, by the way. and thank you for your service.
trying for #1 since May 2012... we're adopting!bringing home baby boy in january 2015!
OP you seriously need to relax. I honestly think the only reason you want to have a shower is to validate yourself in some way. You are so hung up on saying how people are "talking down" to you, how you are being treated like you're "low class" and how you "have no one to throw a shower" for you that I really think you are currently suffering from some low self esteem. I really recommend you step back from the internet and agree with pp that some counseling or therapy would benefit you. I truly mean this in the kindest way.
O.k. - so what you want is a party to celebrate your pregnancy. Not a "shower". Here's the thing- I also think it's obnoxious to 'celebrate your pregnancy'. I really don't need to celebrate THAT. I want to celebrate my friends taking a huge new step in their lives (becoming moms), I want to celebrate their new baby. I do NOT want ot celebrate their big belly.
Also, you said:
eating themed cupcakes, discussing motherhood and expectations, playing baby themed games, gossiping
I can honestly say that I've never been to a baby shower where we sat around and "discussed motherhood and expectations". This is where it's clear that you've built up a baby shower into something more than it is. It really is like any other party except the focus is on the MTB and we give her presents to help get her started. People sit around and tlak about whatever they normally talk about. Their lives, what they're doing that weekend, the TV s how they watched last night. They aren't all sitting around talking MOTHERHOOD!!!
GUYS. I don't want gifts and I don't want just a party... I want a party without gifts but with me as the centerpiece. My pregnancy, my belly, my family, my life!! I want this whole party to celebrate the awesomeness that is MEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
But, no gifts. Why is this so wrong? I am awesome and magical.
All of this. Seems to me that OP just wants to be the center of attention at a pretty princess party. She wants everyone to focus on her, so clearly gifts wouldn't be required. Just pay attention to meeeeeeeee
When you get further along someone may ask to throw you a shower. But it's not some right of passage or life changing event, I swear. And it should be the last thing on your mind at 6 weeks pregnant considering any possible shower would be like 7 months away.
Your close family and friends won't be able to make it anyways, and you don't need the gifts, so what exactly would be the point of a shower? I'm sorry you chose a job that keeps you and your friends constantly moving around, but it is just part of it unfortunately. Anyone who wants to get you a gift will do so with or without a shower, even the ones who don't live close by. I have also known people to have e-showers via webchat when someone is in the military or lives far away.
You already have all that stuff at 6 weeks?! I am 31 weeks and don't have all of that yet. You need to slow down or you will have nothing to do for the next 9 months. I do really hope you have a healthy pregnancy, but 6 weeks is scary early to be counting your chickens before they hatch or thinking about showers at all. Just my two cents, I know everyone is different but just the idea of everyone knowing so soon and making big preparations makes me feel so antsy!
I think the missing link here is that you don't understand it is odd to throw yourself any type of gift-giving party. I've never seen someone throw themselves a formal/planned birthday party, or a wedding shower, or a graduation party. That would come across as very self-absorbed and tacky to just about anyone invited. Conversely, totally fine to throw a Christmas party, Halloween party, random weekend party, etc. where it's assumed you aren't expecting gifts from the guests.
Not only is it tacky, but it would be ultra embarrassing. You are basically showing all invitees that no one wanted to throw you a shower. It's just plain awkward.
If you want to celebrate, then celebrate. Invite your friends over for a barbecue closer to your due date just to hang out and enjoy each other's company, and to show them the nursery. Don't send invites or expect gifts though. I'm thinking this won't make sense to you either but here's hoping.
First, you are only 6 weeks, you have plenty of time-- Second, how do you know your close friends that moved away would not come back to throw you a shower- if they know how much this means to you, and you are close to them, I would think they would be willing to host it for you-- you don't have to live there to host a shower.
1. A shower is NOT a "life event." It isn't the birth, it isn't a wedding. It's a party. And one that is meant to be gifted to you at that.
I disagree, a baby shower IS a life event. That is, because it represents the celebration of your new baby. Birth is a life event, and therefore, a baby shower celebrating your baby is also. I totally understand your frustration!
That said, I do agree that it is rude to throw your own shower and also you have a lot of time before you need to worry about this. I am sure one of your friends or co-workers will throw you one. I would not fret about this yet. Worst case scenario, you could throw a meet-the-baby afterwards, and I don't think it would be inappropriate to throw that yourself.
I know I'm a day late (and a dollar short), but I just wanted to add my 2 cents.
To the OP:
1. I understand how disappointing it must be to realize that in all likelihood, no one is going to throw you a shower. You must feel really lonely and isolated, and I am sorry for that.
2. You are 6 weeks pregnant. I don't wish this on anyone but as has been mentioned by others, it's way too early to be worrying about this. There is a reason most people don't announce pregnancies until after 12 weeks, and that's because there is a high risk of loss prior to that date.
3. It's an internet forum. You can't come on and ask for advice and then expect everyone to be sugary sweet and tell you that whatever you want is fine, or even to really sweetly tell you that they disagree with you. FWIW, I don't think anyone started being rude to you until after you got snippy with them. You just got a lot of opinions that throwing your own shower is tacky, and someone saying that throwing your own shower is tacky is not the equivalent of that person being a bitch.
4. If all you are sad about is a lack of companionship, not having anyone to celebrate with, etc., why don't you just throw some other sort of party or get together. A holiday cookie exchange. A New Year's Party. You can even announce your pregnancy at the party so you get lots of excitement of sharing it with people. Or you can throw a party after the baby is born, as others have mentioned. Or, I suppose if you really want to throw a baby related party before the baby is born, I personally detest them, but you could always throw yourself a gender reveal party. I am pretty sure the parents usually host those anyway since no one else can really know the gender before the parents, right?
5. Baby showers are kind of overrated. I mean you hang out with a bunch of women making small talk, eat, and you get gifts. Pretty much 98% of the purpose of the shower is to shower the mother to be with gifts. It's not like the equivalent of not getting a bat mitzvah when you turn 13, where you're missing out on some huge party with a DJ and a 3 course meal and dancing and all that. It's about as exciting as a wedding shower.
6. I have never been to an engagement party or a birthday party for an adult which involved gifts. Just alcohol.
7. You keep SAYING you don't want gifts, but honestly, I find it hard to believe, because again, that is basically the whole point of a shower. If you really didn't want gifts, like really truly did not want them, you would not think twice about just throwing some other party, or just having a girls' day before the baby comes. It's like people keep making these suggestions for other things you could do, and you're like, no I really want a shower. But not because of the gifts. Well then why do you really want a shower? If you're REALLY just wanting the companionship and you REALLY DON'T want the gifts, there are about a million other parties you could throw that aren't a baby shower.
8. If you don't like people disagreeing with you about things, parenthood is going to be a rude awakening for you. If you use daycare, you're going to get slammed. If you stay at home, you're going to get slammed. Breast is best, but only until age __ and then you're a weirdo. Formula is the devil. You give your kid a paci? For shame! You don't give your kid a paci? For shame! Get used to it.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here! BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
Omg, why not just have a special dinner with your husband to celebrate? The way you keep hammering home that you feel like you want people to care & throw the party to prove it.
Why does someone have to host a party for you to feel special? Why are you so fixated on throwing your own shower?
If you only have casual acquaintances then it might be weird for you to throw your own shower & invite them. They might feel it is presumptuous that someone they don't know well is inviting them to celebrate their occupied uterus. Like, if someone I just met invited me to their baby shower they were hosting then I would feel very awkward. Yet another good reason to avoid throwing your own.
As desperate & lonely as you sound-- that will be the message you will send by throwing your own. It's supposed to be a gift & an honor.
It's not like you suck as a human or a pregnant lady because you don't have someone to throw you a little party.
Lord, you are way too worked up over a little party. Is it because you want others to squee for joy & welcome you to motherhood?
You can do that without a party. Really, I get wanting a shower. I also understand being far from family & friends.
What I don't understand is this foot stomping & berating other posters for just telling you what is usually considered proper behavior.
I mean, if you throw your own then it won't really matter. It will be forcing the matter & you might not feel that special because you had to force people to celebrate you. Odds are folks will feel bad if they decline-- so they might attend, but holy awkward.
#anecdote story: a girl I worked with just moved to town. She threw her own shower & invited just work ladies. Right down to the ladies she had never met. It was a desperate ploy for gifts & adulation/squees from us because we are women etc. it was so very awkward & we all felt odd celebrating a stranger. I attended because I didn't want to appear icy & mean. Later I found out that was everyone's reasoning as well. We sat through 3 hours of small talk, games & presents for someone we had known less than 6 months. It was weird-- please don't be this girl.
Good God! no one said you were needy or gift grabby they simply stated that throwing your own shower makes you APPEAR that way. In your original post you even stated that you KNEW it was frowned upon, but essentially it's like you want a waiver because of your military situation.
Do you think you are the only military mom to go through this or these feelings?
I'm a civ, I have many family members in the military, some are now retired, they MISSED their childs births for fucks sake! THAT would be something to be upset over. But a baby shower?
Damn, I'm 20 weeks along and no one has offered or even asked about a shower. I don't know if anyone will, and I am a little bummed that no one has mentioned it as of yet, sure, but I'm not going to stress it. I know deep down that all my family and friends are thrilled that we are finally 7 years down the line having our first child. Yes I'd love to experience a shower to welcome me to motherhood the same way all my other mommy friends have, but It's not going to change the way I feel about myself, my pregnancy or my friends and family if it doesn't happen. I know without a doubt that they love me and are happy for DH and I. Shower or no shower that doesn't change.
If you are that amped to celebrate the pregnancy then you maybe should throw a "pregnancy party" with your girlfriends so you can squee over the fact and get the celebratory feeling you're looking for, but honestly that is NOT a shower. I've been to so many of them and it's just not how it is. I've had friends throw themselves a "last hurrah" before baby comes, and that's not the same as what you're seeming to want either, so the only solution I can think of is suck it up and wait for someone to offer or throw yourself a Pregnancy Party and make it super clear that it's NOT a shower or last hurrah but that its just to celebrate your finally being pregnant.
I'm also wondering if you have no one close enough to throw you a shower exactly who is close enough that you would invite? Considering all of your friends have been recently stationed far away how would they even be able to travel if they wanted to? I'm pretty sure they don't just let you take leave for something as silly as a baby shower especially since they just got to their new locals. Edited for punctuation.
Re: Feeling unfair about baby shower ettiquite.
Didnt your mother ever tell you if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all?
You are 100% right and I get what you are saying. Those are great ideas. Its just that what I wanted wasn't GIFTS it was to celebrate the PREGNANCY, the baby, the family, the joy, the excitment etc. Any other party is just hey come to my house for this random party and we'll probably talk about the pregnancy too but it isn't a celebration of the joy of pregnancy. In my head I picture a baby shower being eating themed cupcakes, discussing motherhood and expectations, playing baby themed games, gossiping etc its just not the same if its just a group party for the superbowl or memorial day or whatever. It sounds dumb I know but it was just something that I would have liked to do that, no matter which way you slice is (not having a party at all or having a different type of party) its simply an experience that I wont get to have.
I dont understand why it would be unacceptable to have a shower and simply tell everyone
GIFTS ARE NOT EXPECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like what is so wrong and socially unacceptable about that?
Do you have any idea of the potential heartache that might lay before you? The myriad of tests that could come back with a bad answer? The sheer stress and terror of waiting for results? The fact that first trimester loss is not uncommon?
Understand, I do not wish ANY of these things on you, or on any other mother. But they are an irrefutable part of reality, and it is a reality not everyone escapes. These boards are full of women who have experienced heartbreak and loss and who are trying so hard to keep it together. Women who are so grateful for the chance to be pregnant.
First trimester... Especially six weeks in... Is just not the right time to be outright panicking over something as frivolous as a baby shower. I understand you are excited, and I pray your pregnancy goes well. But you might consider just taking a step back, breathing deeply, and being thankful. Nothing in this world is guaranteed.
My suggestion is to wait until the end of your second trimester, then try this forum again. A lot can change in six months. One way or another, a lot WILL change. This is not worth all the ridiculous drama it is causing. Just step back. Be grateful. Be patient. You're pregnant, why can't that be enough for now?
I'm sorry I skipped replying to you, I didnt see your message until now.
1. I know lots of people who throw their own parties. One of my best friends threw his own engagement party. It was originally supposed to be his birthday party, I brought him a gift. I found out at the last minute that it was a combination birthday & engagement party and was rumored to have "snubbed" his fiance by bringing specifically him a gift and not an "engagement gift". I have gone to many birthday parties over the years, generally they include your friends paying for your dinner if you go out to eat and a night out partying where everyone else pays for your drinks. Maybe thats just military culture but thats the way I've always seen it done. Even going away parties, we threw our own going away party when I left Germany after 3 years but we never asked anyone to pay for anything- yet we still had our drinks paid for the entire night because it was considered customary to give a goodbye gift. However I want to point out yet again that I am not having a shower just to get gifts, just saying that the people I have been around my adult life have all done stuff like this.
2. Its not so much about "love" I know people love me, I have a lot of close friends. Its just the blunt realization that none of them are here. Many of them have moved away and the odds of me seeing them ever again, maybe the occasional visit, is slim. Even in the event of having a baby I probably wont see most of them. So it made me feel very lonley that I dont have close people here to share this with.
And again for the millionth time as I've said I would be fine having a party that stated DO NOT BRING ME ONE SINGLE GIFT PEOPLE SERIOUSLY. Its everyone ELSE on here that is fixated on the idea that a baby shower equates soley the purpose of getting gifts and that you MUST get gifts to have a baby shower.
6. Yes, it has been confirmed.
8. The reason I took offense to that was the offhanded way it was sort of assumed that because I chose to be in the military, I chose to happily give up my own happiness and enjoyment of stuff. I did choose to give up spending holidays at home- but that didnt make my any less sad last year when I was in Afghanistan during Christmas. Just because you make that choice and accept the cost doesnt mean you are happy about it. Its like just because we chose this life, to do what is best for the people we take care of and support our families, that we automatically loose the right to be sad over anything. Thats why veterans don't talk about lonliness and depression- oh youre sad your wife cheated on you while you were deployed? OH well man thats the life you chose you knew it was a possibility! We are sitll people with hopes and enjoyments and disapointments just like anyone else.
Thank you for saying you appreciate my service- I appreciate that. I just felt taken aback by the immediate bluntness of "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THIS WAS OK?!" just for asking a simple question.
Its rude to tell them that I dont want any gifts just the pleasure of your company?
You asked your questions. You got your answers. They weren't what you were looking for, but you received them nonetheless. Most of the drama here is being created by you.
I reiterate: take a step back. Be grateful. Come back in 6 months and try again.
Thank you, thats a great idea. I had kind of just planned on having a few girlfriends over to meet the baby when I get home but not really a full on party. But I'm not against the idea. Like I said I really just thought it would be no big deal just to host a baby shower (in my mind its just a get together thats pregnancy themed) but everyone went bananas on me about it. I'm probably just going to do something like that because I dont want to offend people and aparantly there is no way to win this one....I cant have a shower because thats rude to throw your own shower....I cant have a shower and tell them not to bring gifts because aparantly thats rude too....so I guess I will just have a regular old BBQ at my house that isnt pregnancy themed or a special "pregnancy party" and work it in with them. Most BBQs and stuff with my friends tend to just be hanging out, watching TV, drinking, playing dominos etc. I have mostly guy friends. Thats why I felt more comfortable inviting female coworkers and wives I have casually hung out to a specific "baby shower" because thats more "girls only" versus hey guys come have some ribs and a brewski and by the way lets talk about me being preggo lol. But I really see that a lot of people are highly offended by even the concept of throwing your own baby shower so I guess thats what I'll have to do.
Wow, no its called people were RUDE. You can say "Hon, look, I get why you want to do this, but trust me it isn't a good idea. It just comes off bad."
Versus
"you are attention needy. You just want gifts. You have no ettiquite. You just want gifts. You cant throw your own shower its wrong. You just want gifts."
It's like a liberal politician expecting a bunch of conservatives to agree with him...do your research first.
I am a military spouse too and a fire department wife and don't throw pretty princess parties for myself. People can get you gifts and you and your husband can celebrate without you throwing your own shower which is pathetic and sad in addition to poor taste.
Also 6 weeks pregnant is a little soon to be buying all the baby stuff, don't you think? I know I'm not the only loss mom that felt immediately worried and concerned for you on that point. Get a heartbeat on an ultrasound or two and make sure things are okay before you set yourself up for a huge dramatic meltdown if you have any issues...which are common and natural.
BFP #2: m/c at 7w, February, 2014
BFP #3: It's a BOY! Please be our rainbow! Due February, 2015
*everyone always welcome*
First, you are 6 weeks. Frankly, I can't believe you're buying all that stuff yet, let alone thinking about a shower. I mean, it's your business when you tell, but you must have told everyone as soon as the pee stick was dry. Calm down and just let things go for a bit. Even if someone was to offer to host a shower, they're not going to off until probably second tri, and you're not going to want to have it until after 24 weeks at the earliest. Probably closer to 30. That's a long-ass way away.
Second, my H is Air Force, so I don't know about Army, but if you have work friends, it's entirely likely they will throw you a work shower. We do it for squadron members as well as for spouses of. But it's not planned at 6 weeks. There's a booster club for the squadron, and a Key Spouse, and they get a little party together in the conference room and there are cupcakes and punch and presents. I've been to or sent a gift to at least 5 in the past year. It just seems like a pretty done thing.
It's rubbing me the wrong way that you keep mentioning how long you waited to start a family and have this pregnancy. Lots of people wait for all sorts of different reasons. Don't play Pain Olympics with that.
I'm also Southern, and one thing I know is that etiquette is important. My mother would be very stern with me if she thought I even had an inkling of throwing my own shower. I'm also married to a service member. There are things I give up, there are things he gives up and we give up. Things that are so much more important than a baby shower. I get that it's disappointing not to have one, I probably won't and I'll be a little sad, but I'll hopefully still get the baby, which is the best part.
Me-31, H-27
**Loss 1-Cycle 7(June 2013) at 5w6d-CP**Loss 2-Cycle 11(October 2013) at 5w4d-CP**
**Loss 3-Cycle 14 (January-February 2014)-M/C dx 2/10, EP dx 2/24, MTX 2/25**
Beta Hell--hCG finally down to 0 - 6/20/14
SA normal. Genetic testing normal. Hormonal testing normal.
HSG 6/30/14 - found blocked left tube and 2 'bubbles' on uterine wall.
Hysteroscopy/Lap--8/4/14 - Tubes unblocked. Polyps removed from uterine wall. Septum removed.
9/30/14--Off the bench! Unmedicated TI through December 2014
BFP 12/14/14!!! Beta #1, 12/16: 990 Beta #2, 12/18: Over 2000! Beta #3, 12/22: over 8000!
U/S #1, 12/23: gestational sac, possible heartbeat
U/S #2, 12/30: HEARTBEAT! 128bpm, measuring right on at 7w EDD: 8/19/2015
U/S #3, 1/9: BPM in the 180s, IT'S HAPPENING!!!
I really recommend you step back from the internet and agree with pp that some counseling or therapy would benefit you. I truly mean this in the kindest way.
Also, you said:
eating themed cupcakes, discussing motherhood and expectations, playing baby themed games, gossiping
I can honestly say that I've never been to a baby shower where we sat around and "discussed motherhood and expectations". This is where it's clear that you've built up a baby shower into something more than it is. It really is like any other party except the focus is on the MTB and we give her presents to help get her started. People sit around and tlak about whatever they normally talk about. Their lives, what they're doing that weekend, the TV s how they watched last night. They aren't all sitting around talking MOTHERHOOD!!!
That said, I do agree that it is rude to throw your own shower and also you have a lot of time before you need to worry about this. I am sure one of your friends or co-workers will throw you one. I would not fret about this yet. Worst case scenario, you could throw a meet-the-baby afterwards, and I don't think it would be inappropriate to throw that yourself.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
"baby shower
a party given for a pregnant woman, to which guests bring presents for the baby"
Reference: https://dictionary.reference.com/browse/baby+shower
www.mylifeasanatkinson.blogspot.com
Why does someone have to host a party for you to feel special? Why are you so fixated on throwing your own shower?
If you only have casual acquaintances then it might be weird for you to throw your own shower & invite them. They might feel it is presumptuous that someone they don't know well is inviting them to celebrate their occupied uterus. Like, if someone I just met invited me to their baby shower they were hosting then I would feel very awkward. Yet another good reason to avoid throwing your own.
As desperate & lonely as you sound-- that will be the message you will send by throwing your own. It's supposed to be a gift & an honor.
It's not like you suck as a human or a pregnant lady because you don't have someone to throw you a little party.
Lord, you are way too worked up over a little party. Is it because you want others to squee for joy & welcome you to motherhood?
You can do that without a party. Really, I get wanting a shower. I also understand being far from family & friends.
What I don't understand is this foot stomping & berating other posters for just telling you what is usually considered proper behavior.
I mean, if you throw your own then it won't really matter. It will be forcing the matter & you might not feel that special because you had to force people to celebrate you. Odds are folks will feel bad if they decline-- so they might attend, but holy awkward.
#anecdote story: a girl I worked with just moved to town. She threw her own shower & invited just work ladies. Right down to the ladies she had never met. It was a desperate ploy for gifts & adulation/squees from us because we are women etc. it was so very awkward & we all felt odd celebrating a stranger. I attended because I didn't want to appear icy & mean. Later I found out that was everyone's reasoning as well. We sat through 3 hours of small talk, games & presents for someone we had known less than 6 months. It was weird-- please don't be this girl.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Edited for punctuation.