*Sensitive/Triggers: Need help dealing with the holidays and a pregnant friend
AnneK1234
member
Hi, I'm Annie. This is my first post, though I've been
here for close to 2 months. There will be a bunch of triggers here.
I'm already crying again just thinking about what I'm going to write,
but I need some insight and to know if I'm just creating a pity party
for myself or if I actually have the right to be upset about what
happened this Thanksgiving. I'm posting here and on another site, really looking for advice on how to handle this situation.
A little background:
I would be 10 weeks along with my first if I hadn't miscarried 2 weeks ago today. We had only told a couple of people we were expecting, close friends with young children who could give us some advice early on, one of them being a friend and coworker of SO (and her husband, of course). She is pregnant, about a month/month and a half ahead of me, so SO had talked to her quite a bit about pregnancy, asking questions, and told her first when we lost the baby. He was talking with her about it on an almost daily basis, so she definitely knew everything that was going on while I was pregnant and when I miscarried.
Fast forward just a bit to the weekend before Thanksgiving (barely a week after I lost the baby). We had the first Thanksgiving party and she was there. I wanted to be there because most people didn't know anything and I wanted to try to relax and feel normal again. I figured seeing friends and being busy at the party would help take my mind off of everything. SO talked to her ahead of time and asked her to skip baby talk around me. I don't think this was unreasonable. She wasn't banned from talking about her pregnancy/baby, just asked if she could avoid doing that in front of me. I would think most people would avoid doing that out of common courtesy anyway. I wasn't worried about hearing some baby talk, she is pregnant after all and some of the people at the party hadn't seen her in awhile. As long as they were in the other room or at least not right on top of me, I felt like I'd be okay.
So, party is in full swing, most people are in the living room and dining room, I'm in the kitchen cooking (read: I can't leave the room) and this girl and one other are in there with me. The other one starts asking SO's friend about her pregnancy. She starts into a whole gush about everything baby: all of her excitement, nursery decor, feeling movements, ultrasounds, etc. RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I gave her a few quick looks, like "maybe you could take this into the living room". I even asked her if she could take a dip into the other room for everyone, giving her the perfect excuse to move the conversation. She took the dip to the table and came right back into the kitchen to continue the happy baby talk. Really?! I ended up having to step outside for a few minutes, sacrificing the brussel sprouts to get a little burnt. SO finally caught on and mentioned to her on the side that she might want to lay off the baby talk. She looked completely dumbfounded. I don't know her terribly well, but she has always seemed like a very sweet person and I don't think she was being malicious at all, but clueless as they come. Apparently, if she isn't the one who brings up the topic in the first place it's fair game to talk all she wants even after being asked to be sensitive to the situation not even two hours early.
Sorry this was so long. I guess it's half rant, half asking for help. How do I deal with this kind of situation? Particularly with the holidays in full swing. I don't want to be a hermit and skip seeing family and friends because a few are pregnant, but I don't think I can do that again anytime soon. It hurts to see pregnant women and to hear a little bit of baby talk, but I can handle it. Her full blown gushing talk and showing off her belly were too much and I felt like I was losing my child all over again.
Re: *Sensitive/Triggers: Need help dealing with the holidays and a pregnant friend
I hate to say it but triggers are everywhere. Your loss is very new so the triggers are even worse right now. I am not saying you will forget about your lost little one all together but as time goes on it does get easier.
If there is one thing I learned through all of this is that people don't really think. I don't want to say they are bad people, just that are just a bit clueless, especially if they've never had a MC. I am really wondering why she acted that way if your SO talked to her ahead of time. I can understand a little blip but after you gave her the eye and even asked her to bring the dip into the other room I can't imagine that the conversation with your SO didn't click with her.
I am not sure of what advice I have to say except the best you can do is let people know if they are upsetting you. Some may not understand but your hurt and your sadness is totally justified.
I am hoping that the gush talking isn't normal and you won't run into that again. Since you were in the kitchen cooking I can understand why you couldn't get away but in most situations hopefully you will be able to quietly excuse yourself from the room.
So sorry you had to deal with that.
As for your friend, I think you have every right to be disappointed but remember, it's hard to know what you would do if you had on someone else's shoes.
She may feel bad reaching out to you and she may not know what to say or how to act. If I were you I would reach out to her and tell her that you're hurt with the fact that she hasn't reached out and ask her why. I can't imagine that would stress her out too much. Just be ready to have the conversation where you tell her that you can still be happy for her. You are best friends and she may want your support just as you want hers.
She must be a good person if you're best friends with her so I guess all I am saying is give her the benefit of the doubt and that maybe she doesn't know how to react to the situation. The only way you will ever know though it so reach out to her.
Good luck!
I am like you and would feel extremely hurt and bothered by it. While I do think it's her job to be a good friend and be sympathetic towards you, maybe she is just feeling awkward and doesn't want to upset you? If she is your best friend, I would try writing to her and being honest about your feelings.
I hope you are able to heal from this pain you're feeling :-(