Who's at the delivery?

COlumstad39

So I've been thinking/planning on DH, my sister, and my mom being in the delivery room when the time comes. But when I talked to DH about it, he wants it to be just the two of us. He says its a moment for us to share together. My mom and sister are upset and think he's restricting me. But, LO is as much his child as she is mine. I don't know what to do! Anyone else in this situation?

Josie400

That's exactly how H feels, and I agree with him, so we don't have any issue. Do they all want to be in the room to support you and help you? Because I feel like that's a lot of people doing the job of one person and then just getting in the way. Or do they just want to be in there to feel important?

COlumstad39

I think they just want to be a part of bringing her into the world. I was there when my nephew was born (holding a leg actually) and it was special to me. My sister and I are really close.

MusicFanatic

That's tough, I wasn't in that situation. I had my mom and best friend in the room the whole time- they are both my world and my husband didn't mind at all. He just wasn't in the mind frame of "it should only be shared between us" type of thing.  

Can you compromise? Perhaps they can stay in the entire time you're laboring and just head out while you push? (I know, that's probably the important part- but the only thing I can think of right now). Either that or sit down with H again and let him know just how much it means to you.

BookitBoo

Our plan was everyone in the room up until the pushing. It was a spacey room and got crowded quickly, and it wasn't exactly a bonding experience for us, since i was more focused on everything else.


That being said, I feel like you're the one pushing and if you'd feel better with your mom and sister in the room
Then you should talk to your husband again and let him know.

BookitBoo

I want to add that with the ER csection DS, DH, and I all got split up. It was really nice for DH to go with DS and for my mama to come distract me until we could be reunited.

mmooki

Last time I was adamant I didn't want anyone there. Dh's family lives local and mine does not. However , since she was early, mil ended up being in the room while I labored. Since I had a c/s, she wasn't there for that, just dh was. I just didn't want the whole freakin family in the waiting room, because that is what they do. In the end, I was glad she was there.

MusicFanatic

saiven said:

 She explained that labor is not pretty and you say and do things that are completely out of character. So, you need to be surrounded by people who you're okay seeing you like that. Be honest with yourself about who that is. My mom and I had to have a frank discussion about how I might say really hurtful, mean things or I might rip all my clothes off. She was fine with it (having been there before). Basically, I wanted people around who will still love me in the morning

True story for me. 

LaBellaVida

Only dh will be in the room with me. It's a bonding time for us, I don't want everyone seeing my vagina being stretched, pooping all over ect.

Not to mention how crazy chaotic it gets. I don't plan to even have visitors until a few hours + because of how busy that time is. Nursing, sleeping, nurses waking you up every second, eating. Idk... I've learned my lesson. I want to bond with us 3 for as long as possible before life takes over going home.

cmaceachern

My husband feel the same way. I did want my mom there and a really good friend who is a midwife. He was really upset about that. He also felt that if my mom was there than so should his mom because it was her grandchild too. That was going to be one crowed room! Since I didn't agree, having his mom there was not the same as having my mom, I agreed to just the two of us.

BackseatDriver

We will just have DH and me in the room, but it is something we both agree on. Perhaps as the pp suggested you could have your mom and sister there for pushing, but spend a couple hours in recovery with just the three of you before taking visitors.

mshepherd20

It will be my husband and I int he room again this time. We had my parents in the room to visit leading up to pushing, but like someone mentioned, I was more focused on contractions and the whole birthing experience that I didn't socialize much.

thompnia

With our son it was just my husband and me, and we loved it. We told our parents we were going in for induction (my dad stayed overnight with our dogs,) but no one came until after he was born. My mom came about an hour after he was born and braided my hair so I looked presentable when the rest of family showed up about an hour later.

This time we will do the same. My mom will have our son, and she will bring him first. We plan on having him introduce his baby sister to everyone as his special big brother job. My mom had me do that for both of my younger siblings.

AlfiesMOM

My parents were in the room till I was ready to push. It was just my husband and I for the pushing and I wouldn't of had it any other way. It was such an emotional and special moment and I am glad it's just his and mine!

csjsmom

I planned on having my mom and sister leave when I started pushing for DS2. But I did a med free VBAC and they were both doing a "job" for me and I wouldn't let them. They asked if they should go. I said no at the time.

pleirey

For DS I had a room full of ladies: my best friend's mom, best friend's sister, and another close friend of mine.  But that's because DS's dad was and still is a dead beat, those ladies were my support system through my pregnancy, and my mother is nowhere near trustworthy enough to be in labor and delivery with me.  I'd probably strangle her. But I digress.

This time around, I only want it to be me and FI.  But if my best friend is in town then yes, I would like her to be there at least during labor, and maybe for delivery if, and only if, FI is okay with it.  He's never been through all this as it's his first baby.  Best friend has been there, done that.  So she'd be just as much a support for me as a coach for him. 

Good question, @COlumstad39!  I hadn't thought about any of that until now. 

Milagros315

It will just be H and myself. We don't have any family nearby. My parents plan to get on a plane as soon as I'm in labor, but even if they get here before the baby is born I think it will still be just H and myself. I trust that H will be able to help me in any way that I need him too, so I'm not worried about having any extra support. Well actually, I wouldn't mind if they came in before pushing time and I'm sure my H would welcome the break if it's been going on awhile.

I do know that I don't want any visitors for the first few hours while we're cleaning up and trying to get the baby to eat for the first time.

I don't think it's restrictive of your H to not want other people in the room. It is his baby too and he really can't help it that he's not the one actually giving birth. However if you feel you do need the extra support I think it would be nice for him to listen to your concerns and come up with a compromise. Maybe you can have others in the room up until pushing time?

snowbaby1214

I don't even want DH in the room this time.  Is that bad?

houseofthree

We are planning to just have DH and the midwives in the room. We dont plan on calling anyone until after the baby gets here. My sister and I are really close and she is not happy about our decision, but she can deal. I want to have those few moments with just the 3 of us and our new family.

kellyfo14

I was induced with my first and had DH and my Mom with me. DH never even questioned it at all. Personally I think it is your body, your choice. You are the one who is experiencing the ordeal and maybe your DH would change his mind if during labor you are yelling for your mother. I understand he wants the privacy but honestly, he isn't the one pushing the baby out. I say discuss it with him and explain that as important as he feels you should be alone is how important you feel about having them with you, and this is your mountain to climb. My induction ended in Csec and they wouldn't let my mom in surgery but I wanted her and DH there. She helped me more through the most difficult contractions. This is hard and if you are super close to Mom and sis I don't think he should stand in the way of having them there.

SRose1005

DH is the only one I want in the room for the birth, and he agrees that that should be a moment for just the two of us. I don't mind if family wants to come and distract me and hang out while I'm in labor though. If in the moment I feel I would rather not have them there I know I'll be able to tell them to get out without offending them. The first couple hours after the baby is born I also want to be just me and DH.

vjdk07

With my son, we had my mom, MIL, and DH in the room for the entire thing.  I had originally planned to do the same thing this time but DH has been adamant that he just wants it to be he and I.  At first, I didn't want to cause trouble because of course, both of our mothers just assumed they would be there this time around as well but I've decided to do it his way and just be the two of us.  While I'm laboring, I don't mind visitors as long as everything is going ok but once it's show time, they have to go.  DH will go out to the waiting room once she is born and let everyone know when they will be able to come back and visit.

cotyb

I'm having a similar "struggle". H doesn't really mind at all either way but his mother INSISTS on being there.. I'm a more "private and sentimental" type, I want H there and have considered letting my sister, who I'm VERY close to be there also, mostly because since H works such crazy hours she's been there for all of my appointments and she knows me well and I feel she'd be an excellent source of support throughout the process and she won't care what I say, whether I mean it or not. With MIL, I already have to bite my tongue on a regular basis and I could only imagine what I will say with no filter and I don't feel like hearing about it later on from her.. plus she's a "story-teller", she'd have everyone within a 50 mile radius informed of specifics of my L&D and I'm not comfortable with that.. This is my first and I want it to be a special, as stress-free as possible experience!  I want to add, I don't necessarily mind who is there beforehand, during the laboring process but when it's time to push I want who ever is in there to respect my wishes and now throw a tantrum over it and I also want a few hours of H and I ALONE with baby after the delivery. Everyone will have plenty of time to meet him when we get home, or they can be patient and come back later or hang out in the lobby.  

LadyXaverian

This is such a personal decision. I hate that you aren't on the same page. I feel like you should get a little bit more of an edge when it comes to deciding who can be in there, but I know not everyone feels the same. DH did defer to me last time, and I had just him and one other support person.

This time, whether I have a VBAC or c-section, it will be just the 2 of us. If my mom lived closer, I'd want her in there, too. 

cotyb

saiven said:

@cotyb your doctor/midwife and L&D nurses will not allow anyone in you don't want there. That means if you tell them "no MIL" they will tell her she can't go in and come up with some helpful medical reason why. Just let them know in advance. Another great excuse is that "only X people are allowed in the room" whether it's true or not. Again, L&D will back you up. The last thing they want is a stressed out woman in labor surrounded by people who won't be helpful.

Thank you, @saiven I'll be sure the staff there are fore-warned, I'm already less stressed about it now (:

llambrose

With my first I had this idea that it should just be him and I because I wanted a special moment and all of that, when I was in labor both of my parents were hanging out which was fine and then when it came time to push, they planned to leave but my mom really wanted to be there and was being way more helpful and supportive than my husband so I had her stay. I was super glad I did, my husband was just sort of overwhelmed and stood there. My mom (having had 3 kids) was a lot more in time with what was going on and what I needed. I was so glad I let go of my original plan and I really hope that she will be there this time too.

It might not be the most popular opinion but I think when it comes to labor and delivery, it is really your choice who you want there and what makes you feel most comfortable and supported. Yes, it is his baby too but the labor and delivery is really about the mom with the baby being the end result. It is quite an ordeal and I would stand up for myself if we had differing opinions on who should be there. Whatever works best for you is what you should do, he can have a say in visiting afterward but it is your body that will be doing everything.

Pips09

With my first, my H and my mom were there while I was in labor, and when they took me back for the c-section, it was just my H. 

I think you should take your H's wishes into some consideration, but ultimately, it is your body, your labor, and you are the patient, so whatever makes you most comfortable is what goes. 

bigbobdole

With my daughter I was only allowed to have 2 people in the room with me. It ended up being an emergency cs and I could only have one person with me. Of course, after 30+ hours of labor, I really didn't give a crap who was in the room.  

This time, its the same thing. Since I'm going for RCS I know it'll just be me and the husband. My aunt, best friend, and daughter will be in the waiting room. 

Disneygeek77

I understand where your husband is coming from, but on the other hand, you are the patient and will be going through the most uncomfortable pain of your life.  If your mom and sister can provide comfort and support in a way that your husband can't, then why deny you that ?

honeybeee3

I'm planning on having my mom, dad, stepmom, and both of my sisters(plus MW and possibly a doula) at the birth. DH family will come after the baby is born. This is what we did with our first baby and it was great.

I think it's important for you to have all the love and support that you want while you're in labor. If that means having your mom and sister there, then he should repect that. Hopefully you can communicate your feelings with him and come up with a solution that makes everybody happy. GL!

robsbabygirl08

DH only!!!! There is no one else in this world I could fathom watching me shit myself! )

marvan5

My DH and I initially talked of just him and me at my birthing time, but the closer I get the more I think I might want my mom and sister there as well. As I continue my Hypnobabies and visualize what I want, I will figure it out. In the end I know my DH will support me because it's what I need to stay calm and relaxed which is best for the baby and myself. If it ends up stressing him out for some reason (he might feel like his actions and emotions are on stage and being judged, which isn't true but that's just how he can feel about things sometimes) then I will err on his side because I need him to totally focus on me. But one thing I know for sure is my MIL will not be there. She will just make me anxious, and then tell my birth story to everyone in existence later. She and the rest of the family can wait in the lobby until I have been able to take a shower after my 2-3 hours of bonding with our baby.

funinthenorth

I'm having a c-section so just dh.  My Mom will be at home with our son if he's not at school and if he is at school I'd be shocked if she's not at the hospital.  She won't be in the delivery room - but if dh goes with baby while I"m in recovery I'd love her there for some company.

Stephij1

I'm of the opinion that unless your mom or sister are there in some specific capacity (doula, etc) that you should err on the side of making it a special moment for you and your husband. Your mom and sister didn't help create the baby, but baby is as much dh's as he/she is yours. Yes, you're the one in labor so you should be comfortable, but this is a big moment for him too. I also think that whatever decision you make should be between you and dh, regardless of how your mom and sister feel.

BriannaCaitlin

robsbabygirl08 said:

DH only!!!! There is no one else in this world I could fathom watching me shit myself! )

This is basically exactly how I think. Haha. My mother has never even crossed my mind on being in the room, and neither have any of the other women in my family. Not even my sister. But I did think for about ten minutes that maybe I would want my best friend there, but nope. The more I thought about it the more I realized how I was actually totally against that, too. I really think it just depends on the kind of person that you are. I'm not close to my family, and T is really the only person (besides my beautiful unborn daughters), that I can honestly say I love with EVERYTHING in me. And your relationship with different people will dictate how you feel about people being there. I feel like it's such a personal and emotional experience. Something you only get once. Even if you have multiple children, you only meet them for the first time ONE time. T and I both love the idea of it just being us. But if your husband wants something different than you do, I think you should listen to his reasoning for not wanting them in the room before shooting down his wishes. He may really feel that he will be left out or just really want the bonding experience to be for you and him first before everyone else. I know that's how T feels, but luckily I feel the same way. But, in the end, you ARE the one who gets to make that decision and you'll know what feels right for you.

SpaceGirlSpiff

Just me and H...and the medical staff of course, during the pushing part.  That's all I'm comfortable with...we both feel it's something for he and I to experience together.  

I'm OK with little visits from close family beforehand, while I'm chilling in bed with my epidural... the room was pretty big, it wasn't too suffocating.  But I dont want anyone else but H in there during any sensitive things like cervical checks or if any issues come up, and then of course the pushing.

jmcmoe

Stephij1 said:

I'm of the opinion that unless your mom or sister are there in some specific capacity (doula, etc) that you should err on the side of making it a special moment for you and your husband. Your mom and sister didn't help create the baby, but baby is as much dh's as he/she is yours. Yes, you're the one in labor so you should be comfortable, but this is a big moment for him too. I also think that whatever decision you make should be between you and dh, regardless of how your mom and sister feel.

I'm on this train as well! No one will be there until after the baby arrives which is how we did it the first time! I would never change that, you can't get back those first few moments between the three of you and someone else there would just cramp my style! Depending on who is watching DS for us, he may get to come visit, but only if he is with my parents or grandma.

thompnia

My labor nurse also made a lot of comments about how it was so nice that it was just my husband and me. It really made the.focus on me and the birth. Sometimes it gets too chaotic with too many people in the room.

Maebb

With DS, it was just me and DH, but I think that's because my water broke at 11:30 at night, and no one else felt like coming that late. I was kind of grateful for that.

We talked about how we'd be ok with other people being in th delivery room (my mom, MIL, and both SILs), but we would kick them out when it's time for me to push because we want to be the only ones in the room for those first few moments with the baby.

sfgiantsgamerbabe

I'm allowed to have three people but it will be DH and my mom. I'm a big 'ol mama's girl and I know I'm going to want my mom.

babyzap20

DH and I have decided it will just be us in the room. It's a special moment meant for our new family. Everyone else can wait.