Can I come back? (loss mentioned)

KirstenAlecia

cross posted in a couple places cause i can't bear to type it several times

Well friends, sad sad news. I can not believe I'm sitting here typing this. 

My 1st appt did not go as planned. I didn't get to cry happy tears when my baby popped up on the monitor for the sono. 

Instead the Dr said "Im so sorry Kirsten, this looks like its going to be a miscarriage"

LO stopped growing a few weeks prior apparently. Im beyond heartbroken. Im so confused. Im very angry and hurt and don't even know what to do with myself. I have to find a way to break the news to my parents when they come home from vacation. My brother and my sister in law who is ecstatic cause we are supposed to be having babies together and within weeks of each other. 

I love my husband and he has been good to me about this in letting me be sad and cry and whatever i need.......but inside Im mad at him for being prepared for this in such a way that if he wanted to he could say "i told you so" While he would never do this....Im still irrationally mad at him  for being so mentally prepared for it. 

I don't even see sadness in him. He says he is but it doesn't look like it. I told him i can't go up north this week and so we are staying home. He says he understands but he still thinks that we should sort of. 

We are waiting to see if my body takes care of the inevitable naturally but honestly I don't thing it will. I think Dr. intervention will be necessary. I can't even imagine how bad this is going to get mentally once that happens. 

Im sorry for the long vent. I know so many of you have been here before so you get it...I guess I just need to figure out whats next. 

kelley72

I am so sorry.  Please be kind to yourself.  I wish you healing and peace.

vh2014

Oh no! I am so sorry. Tons of support flowing your way.

Davie813

Oh no, @KirstenAlecia, I am so sorry to hear this. Vent here if you need to (we've all got your back!)  This just plain sucks.  Hugs to you...

wannabmama23

I'm so sorry. I'm sending good thoughts of care and peace to you.

sonpetitlapin

@kristenalecia I am so sorry.  I am at a loss on what to say.

Don't worry about your parents or you brother and SIL and how they will feel.  It is important how you are doing and they will be concerned about you and should be there for you.

You have every right to feel whatever emotion you need to feel right now.  Men, they process things differently and grieve differently.  It sucks!!!  You want them to experience what you are with you.  And they do, just not the way we do.  I am more logical than emotional.  SO and I are like that.  But when I had my loss it hit me so bad for a couple of months.  In the beginning, he was great.   Understanding and empathetic to my grieving.  For me is consumed me as time went on.  Finally at the end of a couple of months, he had to give me a mental slap.  It was hard and I wanted to physically slap him back.  But he was right.  And after I left and gave myself time to process, I realized he was right.  I finally was able to move forward. Lean on DH and those you trust the most. You deserve to have your feelings and emotions looked out for right now and taken car of. 

flyliceandcoffee

oh no!!! I'm so sorry @KirstenAlecia, I know how much this meant to you. Like others said, don't worry one bit about everyone else, just focus on yourself. If you need anything, even just to vent, yell and scream, we're here for you.

Nikolie93

I am so sorry to hear about your loss *hug*

I felt the same about MH, he seemed "ok" during this last loss and it frustrated me, even angered me. I didn't understand why I would just be sitting there one minute and the next bust out crying yet I would look over and MH was watching a TV show laughing.

I had to take a step back and realize that (1) my emotions were very raw and I was so very sensitive to everything, and (2) everyone grieves differently. 

I hope it passes quickly. 

kindershlitz

I'm so sorry @KristenAlicia. You are in my thoughts.

MySallyGirl

I'm so sorry. 

hooligans4

My heart is breaking for you right now. I'm on the verge of tears.
I'm sending New York hugs over to California.
Men handle things different. My husband was an ass after my first loss and said that maybe now was not the right time for another baby so the loss was for the best. After unleashing my hormonal rage on him he changed his mind quickly. You let him deal with it however he needs to and you worry about yourself.
I won't lie and tell you it will be easy. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through. But I got through it. I'm sad still and my first loss is almost two years ago.
I am here for you always.

Radiantly

KirstenAlecia I am grieving for you!  What a blow and right before Thanksgiving and with your telling family, the timing could not be harder. I am so sorry honey.  I think the previous posters gave realy good advice about how people process grief differently. I hope that in a little time your DH will realize what a devastation this is, even if he didn't get his hopes fully up at first. It will take time to sink in. But stay open to him, stay vulnerable. Cry. Hydrate. I am so sorry.

vballbaby

I'm really sorry for your loss @KirstenAlecia‌. Men are so different from women when they express their emotions (or lack thereof rather) try not to take it to heart. Remain close and just let him comfort you. I wouldn't want to go out of town either. You need to rest and take care of yourself now. *hugs*

CML11

My heart literally sank when I saw this. I feel so bad. Saying sorry just doesn't come close.
Sometimes I think it's different for most men, they don't have the same mental attachment that we form so early on. At least they are strong for us to lean on through these hard times.
Big hugs to you.

KirstenAlecia

Thank you ladies. 

Im so very sad. I thought that IF something happened I would handle it a little better than i actually am. I think part of it is I had started to let the thought creep into my head that H and I could not get PG.

So of coarse H is trying his hardest to soften this blow. He says things like "something wasn't right" and "Now we know we can" and even "Im gonna get you PG the minute they say its safe........just watch"

Im scared to try again. I am at this moment amazed at the strength that you ladies who have been through this multiple times have. 

I feel like when the actual MC happens and it passes maybe i will be able to start healing but at the moment i feel like I'm carrying LO around with a body thats in total denial. I just want it to happen already. 

At least i have this board to come back to...

WinoGrrl

So, so, so sorry. Tons of T&Ps your way

sonpetitlapin

@kristenalecia oh Hon.  We just don't know how we would react to something until it happens.  I have thought, "Oh, I could handle this or that" on traumatic experiences and was SO wrong when I went through them.  I have taken the view in life: I hope the best, brace the worst and do my best.  As that is all I can do, is my best. 

It is hard not to, but try not think about the tomorrows when it comes to TTC.  Take care of the here and now and allow yourself to move through this emotionally and take care of you.  Tomorrow, next week, next month is a whole new day. Right here and right now is what matters.  HUGS

TAT2MAMI

@KirstenAlecia - I let out a huge "OH NO!" when I read the title to your post!! I am So, So sorry for what you are going through!! We are all hear for you. Please take care of yourself and feel free to vent as much as you need to! Sending you big hugs!! xo

tlc35

Shit, I am so sorry. I couldn't even tell my parents. I had to tell my sister and have her pass it on to everyone else.
And I'm sorry your H is saying those hurtful things. I know he thinks he is trying to help but it doesn't.

wvarn

So sorry for your loss. I agree with PPs. Men process thing different. My ex DH left me at the hospital alone when I lost mine. But his was he was just a ass hole thing. Most likely it is hurting him as much as it is you but a lot of men in this situation feel the need to "be strong" for us. So They don't show just how sad they are.

creamcheese17

I'm sorry for your loss. T&P to you and your family.

KirstenAlecia

tlc35 said:

Shit, I am so sorry. I couldn't even tell my parents. I had to tell my sister and have her pass it on to everyone else. And I'm sorry your H is saying those hurtful things. I know he thinks he is trying to help but it doesn't.

You know.......its not really hurting that he is saying them. I mean I know him so well so i know his intentions are not to hurt.......so in that way its not hurting me any more. I think he just doesn't get the fear that i have at the idea of trying again. I will not make that decision until we get through this. 

Nikolie93

I think it's smart that you're waiting to make that decision. You are still going through this and you need time so give yourself all the time you need. In the meantime we are here if you need anything!

URMySunshine77

I am so heartbroken to see this news, K. Although we can't support you in person, we are here to lend an ear. So many hugs to you tonight.

emsmama15

Oh no! I'm so sorry! Take care of yourself!

stemi

I'm so sorry for your loss.

lcwed

No! NO! NOO! NOOO!  This is so not fair!  Why does it seem the universe is picking on our board.  I am heartbroken to see this after all you guys have been through.  As PPs have said, people process things differently.  When we had ours, DH was upset and sad, but he was in the it will happen again (BFP) camp, we can try again.  I think a lot of men 1) as @CML11 said, don't have the early attachment we do 2) don't think as far into the future as we do, so they haven't thought past first trimester, where as a lot of us have already started thinking nursery options and delivery preferences 3)  They don't worry about the time is ticking urgency, diminished ovary capacity, or increase in genetic problems/miscarriages AMA brings and have the "it will happen again no need to worry" mentality that my DH has.  Thoughts and prayers of comfort and healing to you.

KateLouise

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that whether naturally or through Dr intervention the physical process isn't too taxing.

Huge hugs. Please come and vent here whenever you need to.

susykat77

I am so very sorry for your loss. And I think you should take care of yourself whatever that may look like. My hubby trys to be supportive but he doesn't quite understand the attachment we, as women, have. Sending hugs.

meredithcarole

I am so sorry. I had a missed miscarriage, too, and for me that "missed" part was an added blow. Here I blissfully thought all was well, and instead my body had kind of lied to me for weeks. MH has also said the lines about "not the right time" or "something was wrong" and like you I know he meant well, but of course what I wanted was for none of those platitudes to be necessary in the first place. It is so unfair and I wish there was something I could tell you to ease the pain. If you need anything please let us know.

Austrogermokee

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Lesliem0901

I'm so sad to read your post...it's so unfair. Try to be easy on yourself. Sending you hugs and caring thoughts your way....

peregrinefalconx

I'm sorry It is a blow. I know your mind is going there already, but please just process what is happening now instead of worrying about the future. Some people want to try again while others need some definite time off. You won't know until you get there. But for now, just focus on being good to yourself. It is a weird time, waiting to miscarry. I waited a month (which is not good--but I didn't know better and I ended up under nobody's care)...are you pregnant? are you not pregnant anymore technically? Just do what feels right at the moment.

You'll get through it. It stinks, but you can do it.

rspalding001

Im so sorry for your loss. Men don't understand since its not happening to their bodies. Even when you do have a baby he won't understand or think of it as real until the baby is born or pretty darn close. Its just different for them. I'm sure he is upset that you are upset because he loves you and wants you to be happy. Be good to yourself today!