Dear Diary, Life is hard.

stemi

Apologies in advance for the Dear Diary entry, but my head is spinning right now, and I need Internet stranger perspectives.
I'm feeling a lot of ambivalence about TTC right now. I want to be a mother so much, and know my time is running out, but I don't know if DH and I are ready!
This year, I started my business, quit my stable (but soul-sucking) job, got engaged, planned a DIY wedding, got married, moved, and NOW we're trying to conceive. It all happened so fast-- and intentionally. But now I'm starting to doubt everything.
My business is still in the red(and to be fair, I had planned to AT LEAST give it a year), my MIL has not spoken to us since the wedding(and she is our neighbor and H's employee), H is now looking to jump ship and start a whole new career (we're talking minimum wage-ish for at least a year), and these stressors (plus the everyday stuff) have already started to wear us down.
We're both starting to look at each other like "WTF did we do?!" I know it takes time to work through the kinks in a marriage, but it is really disheartening to be feeling this way a month and a half in.
Oh yeah, on top of this, I weaned myself off of Cymbalta(under the watchful eye of my DR). I have struggled with major depression since I was twelve, and have been on medication for most of my teen/ adult life. AF is imminent and last night I started to crash and burn, so I started an Rx for Prozac. I really wanted to be med-free while TTC/pregnancy, but I'm not sure that is in the cards for me.
Pshew! You made it this far? Sorry for the rant. Here is the advice I'm looking for: I'm 36-- do I have time to wait; to figure out my marriage and my career? WWYD? Thank you so much for bearing with me.

kelley72

Oh @stemi  wow, that is alot!   I would take care of myself, take the prozac/needed meds for you to be stable, happy, enjoying the wonderful life you have created.   I think with all the major life changes it is only natural for you to feel a little overwhelmed and worried.

If it were me I'd get myself worked out and let your dh figure things out for himself in regards to his career and mother relationship while concentrating on building my business.  Speak with your dr regarding risk/reward of meds while ttc and do what is best for you.  

I cannot speak to your exact fertility status, but for most of us at 36 we have time although not a decade so for me I'd continue ttc.  I wish you peace and happiness.

stemi

@kelley72‌ thank you for your kind words and advice! Before TTC, I didn't think my age was that big of a deal-- but after talking with doctors and other random people, there is so much pressure to conceive, like, yesterday. On the one hand, I'm thinking, "this is your one life-- don't let fear prevent you from doing/having/making what you want in this life." On the other, I'm thinking it COULD be really irresponsible to dive into this just yet.

Austrogermokee

I would ask your doctor for some fertility bloodwork. There is no magic age at which fertility falls off a cliff, and all women see their fertility decline at different rates. If you get your AMH, FSH, and estradiol tested, it will give you an idea of how your egg supply is looking. That will help you make an informed decision on whether you need to TTC right away or not. Good luck!

stemi

Thank you for your helpful responses, @Austrogermokee‌ and @clgsquared‌. I have worked with an excellent cognitive behavioral therapist in the past. Unfortunately, I've had a hard time finding a good therapy fit where I live now. I will keep looking, because I absolutely agree it is important! I will also get the testing done-- that may give me some peace. Thank you both!

stemi

@b0710‌ thank you!

Nikolie93

I am sorry you're feeling so stressed. I agree with clgsquared regarding your health being the most important thing. I can understand your urgency due to your age but TTC on top of everything else right now may be enough to have negative impact on your mental health. 

I most certainly would never tell anyone what they should do but if it were me, I would take a step back and breath. I would try to get some other things in order before TTC, you have a lot going on. Therapy and some of the testing that was mentioned would be my first things. Also, if I was onlyin the marriage for a month and a half and had all of that going on, I would concentrate a bit on my relationship with MH as well. 

Have you talked to him about it? What are his thoughts on TTC? 

Oh and *hugs* for you.  

tlc35

Austrogermokee said:

I would ask your doctor for some fertility bloodwork. There is no magic age at which fertility falls off a cliff, and all women see their fertility decline at different rates. If you get your AMH, FSH, and estradiol tested, it will give you an idea of how your egg supply is looking. That will help you make an informed decision on whether you need to TTC right away or not. Good luck!

I agree with this and I totally get it.  My career is a bit of a disaster right now but I just can't stomach waiting on that to TTC.  My other question is: do you think you want more than 1 kid?  IF so that may put some more urgency into your plans.
I get it though.  I hate having a looming deadline
Hugs

Davie813

Austrogermokee said:

I would ask your doctor for some fertility bloodwork. There is no magic age at which fertility falls off a cliff, and all women see their fertility decline at different rates. If you get your AMH, FSH, and estradiol tested, it will give you an idea of how your egg supply is looking. That will help you make an informed decision on whether you need to TTC right away or not. Good luck!

As far as the TTC part of things goes, I agree with @Austrogermokee.  Some basic testing will let you know how urgent the situation is, and may well put your mind more at ease.

I'm really sorry you're struggling with everything else--you have a lot on your plate!  If you decided to continue TTC in the immediate future, have you talked with your doctor about medication for your specific situation?  I don't know much about it, but there may be something that will be as effective as the Prozac/Cymbalta, but that you'll feel comfortable taking during TTC/pregnancy.

Hugs and good luck!

stemi

Thank you all for your support!
@Nikolie93‌ we have talked about it-- he wants to make sure I am healthy, and he is supportive of whatever decision I make. I agree-- our marriage should get some TLC first.

@tlc35‌ I would love to have two kids-- but will take what I can get.

@Davie813‌ yes, I went back in this week to get the rx for Prozac to have on hand. All antidepressants are Class C, which means there is simply not enough research to know what effects they could have on a fetus/long term outcomes. I got off Cymbalta because it is a newer (and more complex) medication that would be a greater risk than Prozac. Prozac and Zoloft are older, and the most commonly prescribed antidepressants during pregnancy. While still Class C, they are the "safer" bets. I still have a huge guilt about using them during TTC/pregnancy.

Thanks again for all the advice/support/hugs!

tlc35

We want 2 kids as well so that is part of my reasoning for not stopping TTC but I think getting basic testing and then listening to your heart make sense for now.  Good luck with your decision.

hooligans4

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.
While I don't suffer from depression my husband does. I know from going through it with him that everything seems worse to him when he is off his meds. I know it's is best if you are med free when ttc but if it is interfering with your well being then it's not best. My SIL took Zoloft during both her pregnancies because being med free was not an option for her.
You are still young so I do agree with pp about getting bloodwork to check reserves. If they are good then waiting a year won't be too bad.
You need to do what is best for you and your husband both.
I got married, bought a house and had a baby in 10 month. Then when my son was a year old I started my own business. It was stressful and our marriage was tested but we made it through.
There is so much in life that is unpredictable do you need to take control of what you can.
I'm glad you can vent here and we will listen to all your woes. That's what us bumpies do best.
Hugs to you.

flyliceandcoffee

that really is a lot of stuff going on @stemi, I can only begin to understand the stress and pressures you are feeling not to mention adding ttc on as well. I don't have much else to add that others haven't already, but I have had friends on antidepressant medications while being pregnant and everything turned out a'ok. If that is a route you are considering, it may just require additional monitoring, but like others said, your health comes first. If you aren't healthy and in a good place, that makes pregnancy that much harder as well.

Nikolie93

I am glad you are able to talk you him about it, that's one of the most important things!

I wish you well  

lcwed

@stemi, you have gotten some great advice.  I would just add marriages are full of ups and downs but you seem to be hit with the downs all at once, so big hugs to you.  It sounds like you guys have great communication which is key to a successful marriage.  If you do get the blood work done and find out time is an issue, you could always go to NTNP and not use OPK and FF until you feel like you are in a more secure place and then seriously TTC.  The most important thing is to do what is best for you, your overall health and your relationships.  Hang in there.

MySallyGirl

Sending thoughts and prayers your way @stemi  You sure are dealing with a lot of unknowns at the moment!

TAT2MAMI

I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed, and with reason!!

PP have given wonderful advice and I agree with it. I would have to say that you want to be in the best possible mental state when pregnant and onto being a mother, so focus on that, even if it does take some time! All my best to you!

wannabmama23

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this! I have been struggling with some of the things you discussed, too. We have decided to still TTC but maybe not quite as intensely as we would if timing was better for us...and see what happens.

I definitely agree with PPs that working with your docs about the benefits and risks of being on depression meds and TTC, but I do have friends who were on depression meds throughout pregnancy and have healthy babies.
As for the other stuff, it's never going to be perfect timing but you probably are ok taking a breath, even for a cycle or two while you and YH figure out the best plan you can (knowing of course the saying...best laid plans and all that...)

For us, I want to change my job but am going to hang on another year or so to see what happens with TTC while DH builds his business, and the hope is he'll be better set in a year or two and hopefully I can get out of mine. I agree with PPs the best thing is that you're talking about it and figuring it out together!

Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

wvarn

Sorry your feeling this way.  I can understand.  I met my DH, bought a house, got married and now TTC all very quickly.  But I'm like you. I'm afraid to no TTC now because I'm 36 also.  

I think all the PP gave some great advise.  Get some labs, see what they say before you make any concrete decisions.  Above all take care of yourself.  Find some meds that work for your depression that your Dr oks while TTC if you continue that journey.  

stemi

Thanks again, everybody! Your advice really has helped put my mind at ease. I had a really great discussion with DH concerning all my stress/fears, and that also helped set my mind at ease. It's amazing how healing communication can be-- getting the stuff out of my head and gaining new perspectives. I'm seeing a midwife at the end of the month (a recommendation from SIL for if we do get KU) and will request the labwork, plus SA for DH.