First pregnancy & miscarriage

scrogs435

Hi there,

This is my first post and I'm more looking to vent than for advice. Wednesday last week, I went to the doctor to discover the my husband and I were expecting our first baby. I was 5 weeks along with our little peanut and I thought I was going to burst with excitement. We had been trying for about 6 months so elated was an understatement.

The timing was perfect, I was to be due in July and my mom was coming to visit (from 1,000 miles away) the following week so I could tell her in person. We could announce to friends around Christmas and I didn't need to be super pregnant in the hot Texas summer. My husband and I told one of our best friends just because we needed to tell SOMEONE, we were so excited.

The following Saturday I woke up with fairly heavy bleeding and immediately called the doctor who asked if I was having cramping (no) and told me to take it easy and come in Monday if it continued until then. It had only increased by the time Monday came so I went to the doctor with my husband for another blood test. The next day (today), I got the call that our little peanut was gone.

I'm devastated. I know I never met or even saw the little peanut but I loved it so so much. We had made plans, started talking about the future and I saw a side of my husband that I never had before. We were so ready to be parents and just like that, it's gone. I know everything happens for a reason and it likely didn't take because something was wrong. But that doesn't help me feel any happier.

So what's next? I'm keeping busy. I have to tell my friend. I'm keeping my chin up. I'm trying not to cry while I'm still at work. We'll keep trying and we will have a family. I know everything will be ok. I know this. But it still hurts.

Love and support to all that have felt this pain - it's deep even this early on.

Erin

 

snzhill

I am in the exact same situation as you.  Miscarried just before 6 weeks and was also due in July.  Husband and I were thrilled and couldn't stop talking about how perfect the timing was.  We had told our parents and they were over the moon excited, only for me to miscarry a week later. It's been devastating, especially watching my husband deal with the loss.  He has been dreaming of becoming a father since way before we got married.

 I, too, am struggling with where to go from here.  We want to feel the joy of pregnancy again but I am terrified of another loss.  I know this struggle is very personal but just know that you are not alone.  This is actually my first post after lurking on the boards for these past few weeks, but our situations are so similar I felt the need to speak up.

I would also welcome any insight from others who miscarried their first pregnancy.

Nikolie93

Hello ladies, welcome and I am so sorry for your losses. 

My first MC was similar to both of yours so I know how you feel. The sadness, the disappointment, the emptiness, and the fear to try again. I won't say you will ever forget this, but it does get easier. It's a rough time and hard to talk to others about that have not been through the same thing. I hope you are able to speak with your significant others about it. Some also find that counseling helps as well. 

@scrogs435 "it happened for a reason" or "it happened because something didn't take" shouldn't make you feel any happier. No one wants to think this happens for any reason. It's sucks. Also don't feel bad for getting attached to your little peanut so early, that's pretty normal in pregnancies. 

It's absolutely normal to feel scared to try again. Just remember that it's important you heal both physically (your Dr should advise you when it's ok to start again) and mentally before trying again. The only thing I can say is that the only way you will know you are ready is when the want to have a baby outweighs the fear. Sounds silly, I know, but that's all I got. 

I suggest you read the Advice and experiences thread, there is some great info there. Also lurk and learn. There is so much good information on this board for when you're ready to try again. 

Hang in there, ladies *hug*

flyoffeve

@Nikolie93 has said it all.

@scrogs435 and @snzhill I am so sorry to each of you for your loss. (Hugs)

Edit: Tag

scrogs435

Thanks so much ladies for the kind words. Even just typing everything out helps.

ashleyann62215

@scrogs435‌ I was due in July too. We would have been 13 weeks the week of Christmas so we were excited to announce it. So I know how you feel. I am sorry for you loss. You sound like you're trying to stay strong but I hope you're allowing yourself time to grieve. I try to hOld it all in and it doesn't work. @Nikolie93‌ said it best!

snzhill

@scrogs435 thanks for sharing your story with us.  Please keep us posted with updates.  I think it will help just like your first post has.  None of my friends or family members are even thinking about having kids right now so I really don't have anyone else who can relate except for the ladies here on this board.

Just so you know, talking everything out with my husband has helped a lot since the MC happened.  And while I am still terrified of having another MC down the line, I am just starting to find hope again that a family is in my future.  @Nikolie93 made a great point about the want to have a baby outweighing the fear.  Some of the ladies here have been through hell and back trying to conceive, but it seems like none of them have given up.  So neither should we! 

PS (mini vent) - I absolutely despise when people try to console me by telling me that miscarriages happen all the time.  Has this happened to you? How do you respond?  Just because we miscarried at 5/6 weeks doesn't mean it isn't still a devastating loss. I wish people wouldn't downplay it.

Anyway, wishing you all the best and hoping that you will find strength to move forward.

scrogs435

@snzhill Thanks again - it'd oddly comforting that you're on a similar timeline.

I just got the phone call this morning from my doctor that I miscarried so I haven't even seen my husband since we found out. I've been at work all day trying not to cry if I'm being completely honest. This post has been my saving grace. We'll talk it out tonight for sure - he's been so supportive through everything and I count my lucky stars that I get go call him mine.

We only told our one friend that we were expecting (she does my hair and we told her to cancel my color for the appointment in a few weeks) so luckily I won't have to deal with numerous people bringing it up. I don't know that they happen "all the time" but even though they are frequent (I read online that 1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime) it doesn't make you feel any better, right? Because it's never happened to you. Or if it has, I'm sure its different each time because there's a different bond with the baby.

I wish you the best too. We'll all move forward -  I am meant to be a mommy and it will happen when it's supposed to. Just have to accept that I can't be in control of everything - that's my problem.

Thanks again all,

Nikolie93

@snzhill‌ people will say things to downplay it all the time. It's frustrating but some people just don't know what to say. They think that saying "MC's happen all the time" will comfort you since it doesn't only happen to you. It's bullshit, I know. Sometimes I find myself wanting to get snarky but it's best for me to just kind of nod and move along. It's not worth continuing the conversation and getting my blood pressure up.

@scrogs435‌ I really don't want you to lose hope when I say this but please understand that when you say you are meant to be a mom and it will happen when it's supposed to could be hurtful to other ladies on this board. We all want to be mom's but for some it just may not happen. Just a bit of advice if you decide to move into another section of the board.

ashleyann62215

When I miscarried somebody told me "it happens all the time so don't get your panties in a twist." All I wanted to do was cry. Yeah it happens, but nobody wants to be the mother who it happens to.

mylittlegemini

@scrogs435 I am so so sorry for your loss. I read your post and it sounds very similar to my story. I was 10 weeks along and had started spotting and went for an ultrasound and blood work only to find out the fetus wasnt there and my blood levels had dropped significantly. I was absolutely crushed. It literally felt like someone ripped out my heart. And I'm sure we can all agree on that feeling. It's something that no woman should have to feel. What made the day even worse was that I had a very important job interview in the morning (I have been waiting for this interview for years believe it or not and I had a feeling I was miscarrying because we just know our bodies). So I had to fake a smile and pretend to be happy knowing I was miscarrying. As soon as the interview was over, I rushed to the hospital to get examined. I still can't believe it happened. Today would have been my prenatal screening My husband and I had some break down moments together when we first found out.  It broke my heart. What makes me even more sad, is that I feel like my husband had to rush his grieving. He is a resident and has his own patients to take care of so he didn't get a lot of time to grieve and heal. I understand but it kind of breaks my heart knowing that he only really had 1.5 days to really show his emotions. I, on the other hand, was in a slump for about two weeks. I'm just now starting to leave my condo and get back out.

@snzhill I totally understand what you mean about people saying "oh it's common". Yes its common, but doesn't mean it hurts any less. I have realized its hard to talk to people about it who haven't experienced it. My one gf who miscarried her first pregnancy, has been super supportive and sensitive. She gets what I'm going through. Some of my other gfs who havent ever been pregnant, while supportive, I feel like they don't truly understand the physical and emotional pain I've had to go through. That's why I am so glad we are all here on this board to help each other through this difficult time (although obviously I don't wish we were on this board....)

snzhill

agpjt413 said:

I'm so sorry for your losses ladies. **PG mentioned** @scrogs435‌ - I welled up a bit reading your post b/c I felt that I saw another side of my husband as well when we learned that were expecting. @snzhill‌ - Other than my OB saying that it's more common than not (although she said it tactfully & with compassion & sincerity), the only other person who said it to me is my closest girl cousin. It actually did make me feel better and gave me a great sense of hope since she too had a m/c around 8w like me and it too was her first pregnancy. She went on to have two healthy sons.

I'm sorry about your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy to hear that your friend went on to have to healthy sons.  That definitely gives me hope! 

@mylittlegemini I can also relate to what you said about your husband and his grieving.  I had to return to work right away and actually had to work through the majority of my miscarriage.  I have always thought I was pretty tough about getting through hard times, but this hit me in a totally different way.  It was so hard trying to go about my day as if the most devastating thing in my life wasn't happening right then and there.  

I often find myself questioning if I am grieving properly or if I have given myself enough time, because the thought of wanting to try again is already creeping back up in my brain.  I haven't even had my first period yet since my MC, so I know it's definitely too soon, but it's hard not to want that joy back as soon as possible. 

The plan for now is to wait a little while before trying again, at least a few cycles before we revisit the topic.  In the meantime, I'm going to try and stay be healthy as possible both physically and mentally.  I have good days and bad days, but I'm doing my best to stay hopeful for the future.

Hugs to all the ladies on this thread, it's been such a great help already to be able to talk about all the things going on in my mind.

snzhill

Sorry folks if I'm using this quoting/replying system improperly, still trying to get the hang of things here!

scrogs435

Thanks ladies again for all of your support - each day is better than the next and I'm so thankful for this warm environment to vent and relate to others.

Nikolie93

I am glad you're feeling a bit better @scrogs435 !

Don't get discouraged if you feel good one day and the next you're down. Sometimes there are triggers that really throw us for a loop, even after quite some time. Hang in there! 

liser67

I'm really glad I came across this thread, since I'm in the same situation. I was about 6 weeks, and would have been due in July. Just like you, my husband and I were thrilled with the timing. We were planning on announcing the pregnancy at Christmas, wouldn't have a hard time waddling through the snow since I probably wouldn't really have much of a belly until late winter early spring, and would have delivered before going through the hot summer. Last Tuesday I started bleeding, and it was enough to require a pad. We went to the ER right away. I had been in and out of the hospital every second day last week going for blood work and multiple ultrasounds. The doctors told me that everything appeared to be progressing as normal, and that some women tend to bleed during early pregnancy rather than just spotting. They weren't too concerned since I didn't have any cramping. This was comforting to hear, and gave us hope. Unfortunately, yesterday morning I started with light cramping and by yesterday evening, it had turned into severe cramping. We went back to the ER and the doctor told me that I had lost the baby.

I completely understand your frustration, and your need to vent. On top of the heartbreak that I am experiencing, I'm also dealing with a lot of anger and frustration because of this. When my husband and I started trying to conceive, I changed my diet, started taking pre-natal vitamins, and tried to live a healthier lifestyle. When I found out I was expecting, I made sure to eat nothing but healthy food, took my vitamins daily, did everything I could to be as healthy as possible for the baby. Despite my best efforts, I lost the baby. I see people all the time who smoke during pregnancy, drink energy drinks or multiple coffees a day, just completely irresponsible with their precious gift, and they tend to go on to have normal healthy pregnancies. I feel that it isn't fair that I have to deal with this loss. I know that miscarriages are common, and they can happen despite our best efforts, it's just really frustrating, and I can't help but ask "why me?", just like I'm sure everyone who experiences this does.

I'm doing my best to be as positive as possible right now, even though it is really hard. Although I'm angry that I lost my baby after only a week of knowing I was pregnant, I'm angry that I never got to hear my baby's heartbeat, or feel my baby move, or even see my baby on an ultrasound, but I'm thankful to know that I am at least able to conceive and I had that short-lived joy, while some women will unfortunately never know that feeling, or experience the joy and happiness I had during my short time with my baby.

Just like you, I became very attached to our little Sweet Pea. I know some people don't consider it a baby at this point, but I did. It was my baby, and I loved it so much from the second I found out I was pregnant.

It's nice to know that I'm not alone, and it's especially nice to hear stories from people who are in a similar situation as me. This has been such a devastating experience, and I hope to never go through this again. Despite my fears of ever having another miscarriage, I'm eager to try again. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort during this time, especially knowing that you are not alone in this. Just reading this thread and writing down how I feel seems to have brought me a little bit of comfort. Just need to try and stay strong, and pray for the best for our future Peanuts and Sweet Peas.

Nikolie93

@liser67 I am so sorry to hear about your loss. All of the emotions and thoughts you're experiencing are quite normal. 

It's devastating and disappointing , regardless of how far along you are when it happens. 

*hugs* to you. 

snzhill

@liser67 so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story.  As we've mentioned already on this thread, hearing about other people going through similar situations has brought a bit of comfort to us all.  The best thing you can do is be unapologetic about all the emotions you are feeling.  There is no "right" way to grieve but my guess is that it can't be good to keep everything in side, so vent away! even if it's just typing it all out here on this forum.  I still have good days and bad days, and I can definitely relate to all your frustrations.  It seems that sometimes things happen that are just out of our control (which I think has been the hardest part for me - as I admittedly have been a bit of a control freak about everything else in my life).  It's so great that you took such good care of yourself while you were pregnant and you should take pride in that.  I am currently working on trying to get my body pregnancy-ready again so that hopefully I can carry a baby to full term in the future and know that I've done all I can to facilitate that.  For me, so much of this struggle is mental, so really I'm just trying to do whatever I can to get away from all the fear that come along with pregnancy after a loss.

I wish you the best going forward and big hugs to you.

mylittlegemini

@liser67 I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I feel exactly how you're feeling. The question of "why me" still haunts me and boggles my mind. I actually just found out that a good friend of mine just miscarried too. She was 11 weeks. Essentially we were a week apart and we got married on the SAME day (She lives in a different province than me). How crazy is that? I have really been giving her a lot of support and she is so thankful she can lean on me because I just went through it. But at the same time, it was like I was reliving it because it happened so close to my M/C.

I wish I can hug all the ladies that have to endure this pain :-(

srk2010

Reading this has me both feeling better that I am not alone, but also sobbing for what we have all lost. I was pregnant with my first & just found out this morning that I am misscarrying.

@liser67‌ I have been fighting the same anger as you about leading a healthy lifestyle. I work out & eat clean and did EVERYTHING "right" for this baby. Seriously, I am one of those people who won't even put "chemicals" on my skin. Why did this happen?? I know in my head that there was obviously something that made this not a viable pregnancy but it still makes me angry. I am struggling not to blame myself.

For those of you going on with your work, I admire you. I am a wreck. I called into work for today & will not go back until after the holiday.

scrogs435

@srk2010 & @liser6,  ladies I'm sad to hear that you are both going through these feelings too. I know for me there were 10,000 different emotions and thoughts going through my head. It helped me to keep busy though - try and keep my mind on other things. Again this is just me - but it helped to not dwell on it. Everyone absolutely needs to grieve and mourn this heartbreaking loss, but I'm also a big believer in having faith that there's a bigger plan that I may not be aware of.

Everyone of us will have her own time line of when we begin to move on but I think that dwelling on the past can almost make it worse and that's where friends and family come in to help us pick up the pieces and keep going. I've found so much comfort in relating to the brave woman on this and other boards and with the support of my husband, days keep slowly getting brighter. I hope this happens for you all as well.

 

liser67

I was always scared to experience a miscarriage, but I never could have imagined just how hard it would be. We only knew about our baby for just over a week, yet we both feel this incredible loss.

I want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words. It really is helpful hearing from people who know what you are going through. My loved ones try to comfort me, but it's hard for them because they don't know what to say. I have found strength from this post, and received a lot of encouragement from research I have been doing for the last couple days trying to figure out what to do now.

I truly hope that everyone who has experienced this unfortunate tragedy, including myself, are able to find peace and comfort, and are able to stay positive during these trying times. I, for one, am trying my best to get back to normal routine and keep my head held high. Although I am fearful of experiencing another miscarriage, I am eager to try again.

 

Charmndmom

So sorry that you also going through this. I am in the middle of miscarrying at nine weeks. It is really hard but it helped to reach out to others for comfort and prayers. I will pray for you all.

4N6s

It sucks, plain and simple.
I'm so sorry for your loss
Good luck with everything!!

cherish1986

I hate that I'm posting here but I am. I too was suppose to be a July mommy, expecting on the 12th. On the 11/17- I started to bleed. That saturday 11/22- we went to the ER, they said I was bleeding because I had a hematoma but our little bean was okay had a heatlhly beating heart at 122. The bleeding continue but we went in to my OB for my next ultrasound. I was skeptical that anything would be there but on the 27th we had a little gummy bear. It heartbeat was 142. We saw it on the screen. The tech said everything was on track. We told our family on thanksgiving and now three days later on the start of its 8th week. It left us this morning at 3am.
To say my DH and I are devastated would be understatement, we have never experienced this pain.
We end up saying our little gummy bear was a baby girl and her name is Clover. We love her so much and wish we had the chance to hold her. I bought a baby book before all of this happened and we're gonna fill it with what we think her life would have been.

We'll always love our little Clover Grace.